16
Murphy was oddly elated yet fearful for his appointment, and that didn’t make for an easy stomach. His cancer didn’t have a cure—few did—but his treatment plan was much different than those he’d heard of before everything had happened this summer. He only had to deal with a few weeks of taking a pill that would try to combat the attacking cells in his body. Then, he just needed blood transfusions to make sure he had enough energy to keep going.
Today was his last chemo day of this round of treatments, and would hopefully be the last chemo day ever. He would still have to come back to the clinic every week for a little while to get his blood checked to ensure his stability until his check-ins could be tapered off to once a month and then maybe even less.
Tessa wrapped her arms around him from behind, and he leaned into her hold. They were standing outside of the clinic and had been for a few minutes. Tessa hadn’t said a word, she’d just taken his hand and leaned into him. Now, he was the one using her for strength. When all of this had started, he never would’ve thought he’d have Tessa by his side for some of the scariest parts of his life. Now, he honestly didn’t know what he would’ve done if she weren’t there. She wasn’t only his roommate, or the woman he was sleeping with, or even just his girlfriend, she was becoming something far more.
Right then, however, he couldn’t dwell on that and think about how it made him feel. He needed to get through today and what it all meant, and then he could start thinking about a future. When someone tells you that your life is going to be forever changed and that you might not have that much of a life at all, it’s hard to put everything into perspective. Murphy had been spending most of his time trying to figure out how to get healthy rather than thinking about what could happen if he didn’t. He’d needed a distraction from the idea that this might not work, but Tessa hadn’t been it. If anything, she had been the one to make him focus.
“Murph?” Her voice had gone soft as if she were afraid she’d spook him. She wasn’t wrong.
“Sorry.” He rubbed his hands over hers and tugged on her wrist, so she moved to stand in front of him. He slid his hands through her hair and rested his forehead on hers. He just needed her touch, her presence to center himself. He didn’t know when that had happened. When had he grown to rely on her for more than a laugh and a heated glance? Regardless, he wasn’t as scared of the possibilities as he once had been.
“I’d ask what’s on your mind, but I can probably guess.”
Probably not…
She shifted and kissed his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her, tugging her close. Did she care about him as much as he cared about her? He wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer. She’d been hurt in the past, and he knew coming back from that hadn’t been easy. He didn’t know what she wanted from him in the end, and wasn’t sure what would happen when the dust settled and she realized that they were not only a couple but also living together. He spent more time in her bed than his, and yet they hadn’t discussed it. There just had been too much going on in their lives with the move, his treatments, her work, the incident at the brewery that they still didn’t have answers for, and their slow turn into something more as a couple.
“Let’s get you inside,” she whispered. “The faster we get you in there, the sooner we can get you out, right?” She gave him a sad smile, and he kissed the edge of her mouth.
“That’s one way to look at it,” he agreed. “And the way that I’ve usually been going about it.” He pulled back slightly and rubbed his chest, a little more sore today than he had been earlier in the week. The treatment was taking a lot out of him, and he wasn’t working as many hours as usual, but his body was still taking a hit. “I just…I have this weird feeling, you know?”
Her eyes widened, and her hands tightened on his hips. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know…I just…I can’t explain it other than I don’t know if I want to go in there.”
She pressed her lips together before blowing out a breath. “It’s just one more pill and a check-up today, Murphy. That’s it. You can do it. Then we can go home, and I can cuddle you before I need to head into work. How does that sound?”
He rubbed his cheek on the top of her head and sighed. “Sounds like I should get in there and get it over with.”
Tessa pulled back and cupped his face. “If I could do this for you, I would. If I could take some of your burden, I would. It’s not fair that this keeps happening to you. It’s not fair that so much is out of our hands. But I’m going to sit right next to you and hold your hand during this last part. Liz already assured me that I could have one of those folding chairs so you wouldn’t be alone. So anything you need from me? It’s yours. If you need to scream, shout, be angry at something, I’m here for that, too. I’m here, Murphy. I’m here.”
He loved this woman. Loved her more than he could say. And one day soon, he’d find a way to tell her.
“You…you are amazing.” He kissed her then, just soft enough that it was a bare brush rather than a full kiss.
“I try,” she said with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She’d been off since they’d found the tires slashed on his truck, and for some reason, he thought she blamed herself. He’d tried to make her feel better, but she’d waved him off. They were both in their own heads so much recently, it was a wonder they could even stand here like this at all.
“Okay, you two,” Liz said as she walked out of the front door and out toward them. “I’ve been watching y’all for ten minutes now—as have most of the people in the waiting room—and while you’re both adorable, and I wish I’d thought to bring my camera out here for a photo, you need to get in here.”
Liz had tried to sound stern when she spoke, but Murphy had seen the softness in her expression.
“Let’s do this.” He gripped Tessa’s hand, and they made their way into the clinic, a sense of urgency pounding through his blood more than before.
By the time he got through the paperwork and was in his chair, Max was already there, with Abby sitting beside him on one of those folding chairs. The staff had set up another chair for Tessa by Murphy as each of the treatment chairs were filled with patients needing one therapy or another.
“Full house,” Max said with a grin. “I think they’re here just to throw you a party.”
Murphy sank into the chair and snorted. “Sounds festive.”
“We try,” one of the older women said from her chair on the other side of the room. She’d been in there a few times at the same time as Murphy, but he didn’t know much about her other than that her name was Ester.
Murphy smiled despite their setting and let his nurse start his IV since he needed fluids that day. Tessa took his free hand and leaned into his chair. This was the first time she’d come into the clinic with him like this, and while before he hadn’t thought he needed anyone by his side, he knew he was wrong.
He needed Tessa.
And not just for today.
“So, what’s on your agenda after this?” Max asked, his free hand twined with Abby’s. She had her other hand on her small baby bump and was also leaning into Max’s chair like Tessa was. “Maybe a cruise? Or a big dinner?”
Murphy snorted. “Those two things are kind of on opposite ends of the scale.”
“True, but I wanted to cover my bases.”
“I was thinking more of a nap. A long one.” He glanced at Tessa and winked. She didn’t blush or hide; instead, she rolled her eyes and gave him a look that spoke volumes.
“All by yourself so you can rest and rejuvenate. Understandable. I’ll be sure to leave you alone in bed for the next week or so just in case.” She kept her face expressionless, and he couldn’t help but smile.
“You wouldn’t do that.” He leaned down and whispered so only she could hear. “You like my dick too much.”
She whispered right back. “I have a very nice vibrator and dildo set. I’m good.”
Murphy closed his eyes and pictured her using those on herself to make herself come, and he had to hold in a groan.
“If you aren’t careful, you’re going to need an extra blood transfusion since everything you have seems to be going to Little Murphy right now,” Tessa said dryly, her voice low—just not low enough apparently.
A few of the other patients started laughing, and Tessa’s eyes widened. But instead of blushing, she just raised her chin and smirked at Murphy.
“Well, it’s true,” she defended, and that set everyone off again.
“It’s good to see you like this,” Max put in once the din had died down. “We need laughter in a room like this. Most days, we just sit here and not talk to one another and pretend that everything’s going to be okay. Yeah, everything damn well better be okay, but it’s nice to see that sometimes it can be.”
Murphy studied his friend from childhood that had become an even better friend now. He didn’t know how Max did it every day, with what was racing through his system, but the man always had a positive head on his shoulders. He did everything he could every day to strive to be a better person for his fiancée and for their unborn child. Seeing Max be who he was with such a careless grace had perhaps changed the way Murphy saw his own disease. If Max could be this kind of person despite everything coming at him, maybe Murphy could try to be something similar. He had to credit Max and some of the other patients in this room for just being. Without seeing them strive for a better life even while sick, Murphy wasn’t sure he would have done everything he’d done over these past few weeks. He had fallen for his best friend and roommate because he’d given himself that chance. Had things not gone as they did, he might have been too worried about the consequences of what could happen if things went wrong to continue, and would have stayed far away, doing nothing because he thought that it was a safer option. He had been wrong for as long as he had known Tessa because he hadn’t let her be a part of his life.
Maybe it was the fact that he was staring down his own mortality that he kept thinking about what people in his life truly meant to him. Without his brothers and their wives and husband, Murphy knew he wouldn’t be the same man today. He had gone into this whole experience being scared. But looking at his sickness as a journey to get through, he could see an end in sight and something he could live for, rather than an end to the journey he couldn’t escape. Because of the cancer, the timing of everything had accelerated to the point where he still wasn’t sure that the fact that he had cancer again to begin with had even truly hit him yet. He was just going day by day, trying to get healthy, trying to keep his family in the loop without harming them in the process. He tried to keep working and looking at his business as something he could be part of for years to come. And he tried to see himself in the future with a woman he hadn’t let himself fall in love with until he had broken down the barriers that had kept him safe and alone for so long.
And maybe all of this was just a little too much, and his chemo was making him hallucinate to the point where he was having some very deep thoughts that should’ve scared him and yet only pushed him to keep going. To fight. To live.
“We all need a reason to smile. Every damn day.”
Tessa squeezed his hand, and he turned to her. “You need to introduce me to Abby,” she whispered fiercely. “We’ve only seen each other in passing, and now it’s awkward.”
He winced, pulling his thoughts out of self-revelation and into the present, then he turned to Max. “I think we kind of forgot to introduce our women to each other.”
“Our women?” Tessa, asked her voice rising at the end. “Caveman much?”
Murphy let out a small growl. “Be quiet, woman, before I pull your hair and drag you off to my cave later.”
She fluttered her lashes. “Oh, really? How dreamy? I’ve always wanted a big, bad caveman to knock me over the head and treat me like a little woman.” He knew she was joking considering that he never really acted like a controlling jackass around her, but she had also been through hell with her ex, so he had to tread lightly. “Anyway, hi, Abby, I’m Tessa, Murphy’s girlfriend. I saw you out in the waiting room a couple of times, but I really didn’t know if you were Max’s wife or not.”
Abby waved from her seat, not letting go of Max’s hand. “Hi, it’s good to finally actually meet you, Tessa. Max’s been talking to me about you from what he knows from Murphy and what he’s seen himself when you’ve been around the clinic. I’m glad that we’re both here today to celebrate Murphy’s last treatment.”
“I hope the boys have been telling you good things,” Tessa said wryly. “I’d hate to have to start kicking.”
“I bruise, baby, be gentle.” Murphy lifted their joined hands and pressed a kiss to her skin.
She rolled her eyes. “I always am.” She paused. “Well, only if you ask nicely.”
The others in the room laughed again, and Murphy relaxed into the chair, feeling as though he were hanging out with friends, not waiting for the drugs in his body to fight the cancer that had tried to take over.
He should have known something would happen to change it all.
He should have fucking known.
Max and Abby talked about their upcoming wedding as Tessa added bits of advice that she’d picked up from helping plan Liz’s. Liz herself came in to check on everyone a few times, along with Murphy’s nurse. They were busy that day, so Murphy didn’t have time to stop and chat with Liz.
A sense of foreboding crawled up Murphy’s spine as he looked at Max and frowned. The other man was rubbing his chest, a grimace on his face as he blinked quickly. Max looked over at Murphy, his eyes wide before he turned back to Abby. Max’s fiancée’s smile fell as she stared at the other man before she stood up, her face pale.
“Max?” she said quietly, her voice a rasp.
Murphy’s friend didn’t respond.
“Max? Max!” Abby shook Max’s shoulders, but the other man just slumped down.
“Liz!” Murphy called out, practically screaming. Tessa was on her feet and running out of the room before he could even look at her, and Murphy tried to unhook himself from his IV so he could help his friend. Not that he knew what he could do, but he couldn’t just fucking sit there when something was wrong.
The others in the room were either trying to do the same as he was or looking as shell-shocked as he felt.
This couldn’t be happening.
This couldn’t be fucking happening.
Doctors, nurses, and staff rushed into the room at that moment, Tessa on their heels. They surrounded Max, blocking Murphy’s view. Someone came over to Murphy’s chair and checked his IV in his arm while unhooking it from the lounger.
“We need the space,” the young nurse said. Maybe she was a nurse, perhaps she was a lab tech. He honestly didn’t know, but he stood up with Tessa by his side and went to stand by another chair so those who knew what they were doing could help.
“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice was hoarse.
“Let them work, Mr. Gallagher. Just remain calm so you don’t hurt yourself.”
Murphy went numb, his body no longer hot or cold…it just was.
Tessa gripped his hands, but she hadn’t said a thing. Her face had gone so pale he thought she might be sick, but she didn’t stay anything. She just stared blankly at where the staff tried to work on Max.
Things moved quickly after that. Somehow, there were enough people on hand to move everyone out of the room and into other parts of the clinic where they could continue their treatments. One of the nurses had pulled out Murphy’s IV since he was finished, but he didn’t leave the spot where he stood. His body ached, and his stomach turned violently, but he couldn’t move.
Then the sound of a keening wail hit his ears, and everything went blank.
Abby.
That was Abby.
“That poor girl,” Ester from her seat beside Murphy and Tessa. “Life just isn’t fair to the young ones.”
Someone else said something, but Murphy couldn’t hear them. He could only focus on the door in front of him and pray that it was all a mistake. Max had just been smiling and laughing with them.
He couldn’t be dead.
He couldn’t.
Then Liz walked through the doorway, her eyes shiny, and her mouth set in a firm line. When she shook her head, Murphy needed to sit down. His world crashed from beneath his feet, and the reality of what had just happened and what could still happen smashed into him.
Max was dead.
Abby was breaking.
Murphy was still here.
And Tessa? He looked over at the woman he loved and tried to figure out what to say, but she just stood next to him, her arms wrapped around her middle as she listened to Abby’s cries. She hadn’t said a word, and Murphy wasn’t sure there was anything to say.
Cancer had taken another victim.
And Murphy was still here.
What kind of fairness was that?