17
Death wasn’t supposed to be pretty. It wasn’t supposed to be pure. But Tessa had thought it would be something. Knowing the end had come to someone she’d begun to truly like and admire should have done something to her body, right? To her mind? She should have felt grief or fear or hate or sadness or something.
Instead, she was just numb.
Murphy’s friend from childhood, the same friend who had been there through all of Murphy’s illnesses was gone, and there was nothing anyone could do.
Abby would have to have their baby without Max. She’d have to raise their child without its father. She’d never get her wedding after all this time.
Max was gone.
And Tessa had no idea what to do.
“Tessa?”
Murphy’s voice brought her out of her thoughts and back into the present. They had come home soon after Liz had walked into the room to let them know that Max had passed away. Though Liz hadn’t been able to say what had happened to Max, Tessa was sure they would find out soon.
“Yes?” Her voice sounded crisp, short, and she was pretty sure that it had been the first time she’d spoken since she’d run from the room to tell Liz that something was wrong with Max.
Murphy gave her a weird look and looked down at his phone. “Abby just texted.” He swallowed hard, and Tessa told herself to go to him but she couldn’t. She was so damned scared. “They think Max had a blood clot that moved to his heart, and his heart was already weak from all the shit they’ve put into his body over the years.”
Murphy didn’t add that he too had gone through similar treatments.
That he too could get a blood clot.
That he could leave her with just a gasp of breath and a set of wide eyes on a pale face.
“They’ll know more later, and Abby said she’d tell us if we wanted to know, but yeah…a fucking blood clot. It’s a danger to all of us on the meds we’re on, but most of us put that thought aside, you know? Because no matter what, we’re still going to fight. As long as we can, at least. We’re facing cancer, so the idea that a blood clot can take us seems so arbitrary. Fuck, Tessa. I can’t believe he’s gone.”
Tessa didn’t say anything, she wasn’t sure she could.
“Tessa?” Murphy’s voice sounded closer, and she forced herself to look up to find him standing in front of her. They weren’t touching, but they were close enough to do so easily if they reached out.
Only neither of them did.
“Max died,” she whispered, her voice hollow. “How…why is that right? Why did he have to die?” She blinked up at him, tears finally stinging her eyes. “I keep asking myself these questions, and yet in the back of my mind, all I can do is be thankful that it wasn’t you today. How horrible am I? A man is dead, and all I can think about is the fact that you aren’t. Max isn’t going to watch his child be born. He’s not going to be there for everything that happens in that child’s life. Abby isn’t going to be able to say her vows and be with the man she loves. Ever. All that is gone in the blink of an eye, and yet some part of me knows we should have been thinking about an outcome like this the whole time. He had cancer. You have cancer. You could leave me, leave us, and it would be out of your control. Everything just seems out of our control. And yet all I can do right now is be happy that it wasn’t you. What kind of monster feels happiness that someone else is dead? Maybe it’s not happiness. Maybe it’s relief. And, somehow, that feels even worse. A man died, and all I can do is think about how you are here, yet you could’ve been the one to die.”
Tessa closed her eyes, putting her hands over her face so she wouldn’t have to look into Murphy’s eyes after she’d rambled all the horrid things going through her mind. And the thing was, she hadn’t even been aware she’d been feeling those things until she blurted it all out for him to hear. She wouldn’t be surprised if he packed up and left her right then.
And frankly, she wouldn’t blame him.
With those words, she’d become the person she hated once again, the person she’d thought she had buried down deep after her mom had gotten hurt because of her. Apparently, she hadn’t grown up much, after all. She was still the same Tessa that hurt others because she was afraid of being hurt.
Only she was hurting right now, and she had no idea what to do about it.
Murphy reached out and cupped her face. “You aren’t a horrible person.” He swallowed hard, and she saw the sheen in his eyes. Damn it, he couldn’t cry, or she wouldn’t make it. “Baby, none of us were expecting what happened, and however you’re feeling is okay. We all respond to grief differently, and if your response that you figured out what you’re feeling for me and that you want me to be part of your life, that’s okay, too. None of us are perfect, Tessa. We are human. We are fragile. That’s why we were at the clinic today. I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that Max is gone. He just came back into my life, and I had thought we would be able to survive together. I don’t know what’s coming next, but whatever it is, I don’t want to do it without you.”
Tears were falling freely down Tessa’s cheeks now. She wasn’t numb anymore. “I was so scared. I’m still scared. I just found you. I just let you in. I just figured out what kind of man you are and how much you mean to me. I should have known that far earlier than this. I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Murphy.” She was baring her soul to him, and she prayed that he would understand; that he would take what she had to give and find a way to make it work.
“I’m scared, too. I’m scared every damn day that somehow this is going to be my last. I was scared even before I found the bruises. I spent so much of my life early on just trying to have another day that I forgot to figure out who Murphy is. Then, when I finally started to figure that out, life hit me upside the head again. Or maybe not life. Maybe that was fate just reminding me that sometimes you have to look backward before you can move forward. I’m scared every time I have to work, and I find out that I’m not strong enough to be the Gallagher I was before this. I’m scared every time I go into the clinic that they’ll say that the cancer is worse and that my treatments have to get harsher and even more complicated. I’m scared that because my body doesn’t look like I’m going through chemo and that cancer’s inside me, I’m going to forget to fight. And then I’m scared that I’m putting everything into a single word: fight, while those who lose their lives to cancer fought just as hard as I did. I’m scared because it’s not a matter of fighting, it’s a matter of medicine and luck, and everything else is out of our control. Through it all, though, I’m scared that I’m not going to have you by my side. Hell, I’m scared how much I need you by my side. You fell into my life at the same time as I fell into yours, and I feel like everything moved so fast, and yet it’s not moving fast enough. So, yes, it’s okay to be worried about me. It’s okay to be relieved that it wasn’t me lying in that chair today. Because I’m thankful, too. Yet I’m broken up like jagged shards of memory and pain because a man that I called my friend, a man who was truly a better person than I could ever hope to be is gone.”
They were both crying then, and Tessa didn’t know what to do so she wrapped her arms around him and just held him close.
“I love you,” she whispered, the words forced out of her in a rush. She hadn’t meant to tell him that, not yet, maybe not for a long while. She had wanted to make sure those words were true, wanted to make sure she wasn’t just over-feeling things. But she loved this man. “I love you so damn much, Murphy Gallagher, and I can’t lose you.”
“Jesus Christ, Tessa. I love you so damn much, too. I’ve been trying to think about how to tell you all day, and then everything went to shit, and I was afraid if I told you now, you’d think it was because of what happened. But damn it, baby, I love you. I love you so much. I never thought I’d feel this way, and I tried my best not to fall for you because you’re my best friend.”
“And your roommate,” she teased, her body shaking. The ups and downs of the day were taking their toll on her, so she just held onto Murphy, doing her best not to hyperventilate with all she was feeling.
He smiled down at her, tears mixed with sheer happiness in his eyes. “And your roommate.” He leaned down and kissed her, and she melted into him, needing him closer and never wanting to let go.
This isn’t who I was before, she thought. She’d never thought she would crave a man as much as she did Murphy. She needed him in her body and soul. Yet it felt as though it had been the right thing all along because she wasn’t merely giving herself to him, he was giving himself to her in return.
This wasn’t like before, this wasn’t like her controlling ex or Brent or any of the men she’d casually dated in the past.
This was Murphy.
And he was everything.
He ran his hand through her hair and hugged her tightly. “I…I need you,” he whispered. “I need to hold you, to be with you. I need to remember this day not for what was taken, but for what can come from us. Are you up for that?” He kissed her again, his touch tentative, sweet. “Tell me what you’re thinking?”
She went up on her tiptoes in answer and kissed him again. “I need you, too. I need to remember what it feels like to have you in my arms and inside me. I need…I just need.”
And with that, he tugged her back to her bedroom and slowly stripped her out of her clothes as she did the same to him. There were no words needed as they kissed and touched. There would be time for words later, time for grief over what was lost. For now, they only had each other, and their touches and caresses were proof of that.
When she wrapped her hand around his already hard cock, he let out a groan and pulled away. “I’m sensitive,” he whispered against her mouth before sliding his fingers between her legs. “I won’t last long with your hands on me.”
She sucked on his tongue before pulling back. “You had treatment today, Murphy. Let me take care of you.” Gently, she pushed him back onto her bed so he lay with his head on the pillows and his body spread before her. After quickly getting out the massage oil and condoms and a hand towel from the nightstand, she went to straddle his waist, careful not to put her body weight on him and end up hurting him.
“Let me love you,” she whispered.
His hands went to her waist. “As long as you let me love you.”
She swallowed hard. “Always.” And she prayed that always would be far longer than a mere breath. After squirting some of the oil on her hands, she rubbed her palms together to warm it up, then began massaging his chest and arms. Murphy gathered up some of the oil as well and rubbed her arms and chest too, playing with her nipples and breasts just enough that she had to squirm where she sat.
Soon, they were both panting, and they’d only innocently touched one another, so she wiped her hands on the towel and opened the condom before sliding it down over his length. Then, keeping her eyes on his, she slowly lowered herself on top of him. They both moaned, their bodies slick, wet, and ready.
“I love you,” he whispered, his voice tight. “I didn’t expect to fall in love with you, but you’re my best surprise.”
She rolled her hips, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she did so. “You’re my favorite surprise,” she said softly. “I love you, too.”
They made love slowly as if they were afraid if they went too fast, it would all be over soon and out of their grasp. And when they came, they did so together, collapsing in a pile, holding onto one another as if they couldn’t let go.
She rested her head on his oiled and sweat-slick chest, knowing they both needed a shower, but not caring. She needed to hear his heartbeat, needed to feel it beneath her cheek.
A man had died today, and yet it wasn’t Murphy. The fact that it could have been sent a chill sweeping over her. The man she loved held her close, and she knew her thoughts weren’t that much different than his.
Time was never on their side, but maybe, just maybe, Tessa could believe in hope. Because without hope, she wasn’t sure she could go on.