Chapter 20

Nicole

It didn’t take me long to get into the rhythm of touring. The days were all pretty much the same. Long hours on the bus. Interviews. Screaming fans. Late nights. Random soccer games between the band and the roadies whenever we could squeeze them in. The sole difference was that each night was spent in a new city. But as Mason had warned, we never got to see much, rushing from one location to the next.

Not that I regretted my decision to join the guys. Even after nine weeks on the road with them, I was having a great time. Nolan, Jared, Kirk, and Aaron had become like brothers to me.

Mason, not so much.

We still hadn’t had sex since September, on the last night of the band’s break. Instead, before they were due onstage Mason and I would disappear for a few minutes to make out—all for the benefit of the fans, mind you. Even though Mason was still restless compared to when he was staying at my house—especially since I knew he wasn’t hooking up with groupies or anyone else—the kissing seemed to help. And given that it was the only time I allowed us to kiss, I craved the moment like a flower craved the rain—more so with each passing day I spent touring with them.

The hallway we’d disappeared down was empty, like every time we slipped away from the band to do this. His hands rested on my waist, and every nerve in my body felt alive.

This wasn’t the same feeling you got when the man you lusted for touched you, and all you wanted was for him to fuck you until your body shattered around him. No, this was more than that. It was like being cocooned in a warm, soft blanket on a cold winter day. It was heaven.

I sank into him, and let him consume me as I consumed him. Our kisses weren’t pure hunger anymore. They were now sweeter. Sweeter, but at the same time still hot.

My tongue glided against his, and I moaned. I was completely done for. The man who didn’t have all of the characteristics on my list of what a perfect man needed—other than that he was kind and sweet, had a great sense of humor, was honest, and had no bad addictions—had become the man I was in love with.

Fine—maybe I was willing to ignore the parts about him not being a professional (like a dentist or a doctor or an accountant) and having tattoos.

But there were two things I couldn’t ignore. First, he wasn’t the kind of guy who’d settle down and have a family. And second, his life revolved around his job. Thanks to his touring schedule, I wouldn’t get to see him much. It wasn’t easy for both Hailey and Callie when it came to the men they loved, but they made the best of the situation. They were better people than me—I knew I could never live like that.

Not that it made a difference. Other than our kissing, there was nothing to indicate that what we had between us was going anywhere.

“Break a leg,” I murmured, my lips so close to his, we were sharing the same breath.

He laughed. “I’ll try not to, but thanks for the sentiment.”

We returned to the room where the band and Callie were waiting. She had flown in that afternoon to join Jared for the weekend, since the tour was spending two nights in New York City and we were staying in a hotel. Logan was with Jared’s parents in L.A.

Callie was sitting on Jared’s lap, and he didn’t look like he was ready to let go of her anytime soon, his arms tight around her. He’d been restless for the past week, unable to wait any longer to see his wife.

Mason and I sat next to Nolan on the couch, Mason took his smartphone out of his back pocket and opened the crossword-puzzle app he had downloaded a few weeks ago. “Five-letter word for ‘snooze,’ ” he said to me. Nolan, Kirk, and Aaron were busy debating where to eat after the show.

I pulled my feet onto the couch and wrapped my arms around my legs. What I really longed to do was straddle Mason’s hips, but that hardly seemed professional.

Not that the narrow gap separating us could be considered professional either. We were in each other’s personal space…just so I could help him solve the crossword puzzle. Or so I liked to tell myself.

“Sleep,” I replied, after working through a few possibilities in my head.

He entered the word into the app. “Correct.”

“And the crowd goes wild at my sheer brilliance.” I faked a fanfare.

“As if there was any doubt.” Mason’s dazzling smile had my heart doing a quick little happy dance. That was the same reaction his smile always got whenever it was leveled in my direction.

My life would be so much emptier once that smile was no longer part of my day.

He bumped my shoulder with his, and my body buzzed with need. In the nine weeks I’d been touring with the guys, that hadn’t changed. If anything, the more time I’d spent with him, the more my body reacted to him. I’d never felt this way about a guy before—comfortable around him and at the same time hyperaware of everything about him.

We continued working on our crossword puzzle until it was time for the guys to go onstage. Then Callie and I escorted them to the stage entrance. We hung back as they climbed up the metal steps, and had to cover our ears at the screams and cheers as the first beat of Mason’s drums filled the arena.

“If this is what it’s like when they’re just the opening act,” I said, “can you imagine what it will be like when they’re headlining?”

She laughed. “I’m afraid to.”

From our location offstage, we could pretty much see the show. Despite how many times I had seen it during the past nine weeks, I had yet to grow bored of watching them in concert. If anything, I’d become addicted to the nightly performance.

“The guys have a TV interview tomorrow,” Callie said at one point, loud enough for me to hear her over the music. “Do you want to go shopping with me?”

“You don’t want to be there for the interview?”

“Not really. I’ve been to them before in L.A. I love watching the guys, but that whole scene just isn’t for me. Besides, I want to go lingerie shopping and get something special for Jared.”

I pressed my lips together, doing my best not to laugh. “Jared likes to wear sexy lingerie?” I knew what she meant but couldn’t resist.

“Ha ha. Very funny. But you have to admit that guys love their women in sexy underwear. It’s a massive turn-on for them. And you could get some for Mason to…um, admire.”

My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. “Why would I want to get Mason underwear to admire?”

“Seriously? You have to ask? It’s obvious you two have a thing for each other.”

“We don’t have a thing for each other.”

She laughed shortly. “So how is it in Delusional Land? Is the view nice?”

“Honestly, there’s nothing going on between us. He’s my boss. Nothing more.” A boss I kissed before every concert, but that was in my unwritten job description as his personal assistant, a responsibility I had acquired after the first week on the job.

“Oh, please. I’ve seen how you look at him and how he looks at you.”

“And how is that?”

“You’re in love with him and he’s in love with you.”

I vehemently shook my head. “He’s not in love with me.”

“I knew it!” she practically squealed.

“Knew what? That he’s not in love with me? That’s kind of a given. Did you forget the part about him being my boss?”

“That’s not what I meant. You were quick to mention that he’s not in love with you, but you never said anything about not being in love with him.”

Busted. “You didn’t give me a chance,” I quickly pointed out.

“Give me some credit, Nicole. I’ve seen the way you are together. And I’m not the only one. Even Jared’s noticed. Mason looks at you like you’re his sun and he can’t imagine a day without you.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re crazy. He doesn’t look at me that way.” But that made me wonder: was that how I looked when I was around him? The last thing I needed was to let him know how I felt. This gig wasn’t going to last much longer. Renovations to the flower shop were moving along rapidly, and we were expecting to reopen in six weeks—too late for the Christmas season, but in plenty of time for Valentine’s Day.

“I’m not crazy,” Callie said. “When are you going to admit to yourself you feel the same way about him that he feels about you?”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Sure it is.”

I glanced back at the stage, where Mason was doing the thing he loved most—his job. “You’re okay with the man you love doing this.” I gestured at the stage. “But this life isn’t for me. I love traveling with them, but that’s because I know it’s not going to last forever. It gets tiring with all the long hours on the road. The rushing to interviews. The late nights.” The screaming fans who hung out at the radio stations, eager for a glance at their favorite musicians. The living on the bus with five men and not getting much privacy.

“I know that you and Hailey don’t tour with the band,” I continued. “You have your lives back in L.A. But I couldn’t do that either. I couldn’t stay home and only see him every month or two, and even then just for a few days. I admire you two for being able to balance it all and still be there for the men you love. I wish I could be like you.”

Callie let out a sigh that I had no idea how to interpret. She watched the guys for a moment before saying, “It’s not easy. None of it’s easy. But I love Jared, and I couldn’t imagine him giving any of this up for me. It’s his life….I know Logan and I are his life too, but I want him to have this for as long as he can. I had to give up my dreams once, when Logan came into my life. I never want that to happen to Jared. And as long as we can make it work, I’ll do what I can to be the supportive wife he deserves.”

She smiled at me, the gesture warm and filled with understanding. “But I also know what you’re saying. It is tough, and this life isn’t meant for everyone. But when it comes time to leave the band, will you be able to walk away so easily?”

I laughed, the sound more bitter than amused. There would be nothing easy about leaving Mason, but it was something I had to do. And eventually I would move on and find love again…hopefully…maybe. “No,” I admitted to her. “But I’ll have to.”

I could feel my heart starting to splinter, and had to remind myself that I was being ridiculous. Anything to keep the damage from becoming too great. Despite what Callie had claimed, Mason wasn’t in love with me. Whether or not I was willing to be the ideal girlfriend to a rock star was irrelevant in the end.

All I could do was focus on my job and enjoy my final weeks with the band and with Mason.