I debated whether or not to bring Colin with me. I could have found someone to watch him for a few hours. But in the end I decided to pack up the diaper bag and bring him along. Today’s journey belonged to him as much as it belonged to me. He had a right to be there.
Car rides usually lulled Colin to sleep and sure enough he was knocked out less than ten minutes into the drive. I turned the radio down to low volume and piloted the mini van up the winding roads that led deep into the mountains.
Years had passed since I’d been up here but I still knew the route by heart. Some of the hairpin turns were a little harrowing but there was no one else on the road. We were still a few miles away from the cabin when blackened vegetation began to appear on both sides of the road, a reminder of what had happened up here in the not too distant past.
There was something eerie and unnatural about the giant charred trees flanking the asphalt. This pocket of the world had always been lush and green and would be again someday. But it would take awhile.
I passed the turnoff to the small lake where my dad and I had spent our disastrous fishing excursions. I hoped it had been spared the devastation that rocketed through here on a night of high winds and brutal destiny.
Here and there were private unpaved lanes that meandered off the main road and led to rustic mountain homes. There were people who lived up here year round but not many and none of them were in the zone where the fire swept through with such ferocity. There was only one tragic story from that night and I was about to confront it.
My stomach clenched when I came to the turnoff. I pulled off to the side and idled at the mouth of the dirt road leading to the two bedroom cabin that had been in my family for fifty years. The tall pines that had once stood proudly along the half mile corridor leading to the cabin were now singed husks. I wondered if this had been a mistake. I wasn’t sure what I hoped to gain by coming up here.
“In these parts you’ve always got to pay attention to the fire warnings, Nash. Take the No Burn days seriously and get the hell out of Dodge the minute you smell smoke.”
Forest fires weren’t that unusual in the mountains. On average there’d be a notable one about once every four or five years. Fatalities were uncommon. Typically there was a warning with enough time to escape the fire.
I turned up the road, unsure of what I’d find at the end of it. Kevin Reston had said the cabin was unsalvageable, just a burned out pile of logs. Steve Brown told me about some insurance on the place but I just told him to do what he needed to do and not bug me about it.
The damage was worse around here. This must have been where the fire had reached its peak before the combined efforts of fire crews and full rain clouds put an end to its ferocity. I hated to think of the two of them in the middle of it, their final moments of terror, their agonized thoughts of the baby boy they were leaving behind.
Someone had been here recently to pay their respects. A friend most likely. Chris and Heather Ryan had so many friends. There was a fresh floral arrangement in the middle of all the devastation, a spot of bright pink among the ruins. The cabin itself was unrecognizable. It looked like someone had taken a pile of Lincoln Logs, scorched them in a barbecue and haphazardly rearranged them in the dirt. My father’s truck had been towed out of here so there was no sign of where it had been parked but I would bet he’d parked in the same spot he always parked, a small clearing along the west side of the cabin. That’s where they’d been found, beside the truck.
I opened the windows and cut the engine. There was absolute quiet but somehow it wasn’t horrible. I’d imagined it to be horrible, a thick silence full of death. But this was more peaceful than I’d expected.
Now that we’d stopped moving, Colin stirred in his car seat. I hopped out and slid open the door to extract him, checking his diaper out of habit. My little brother blinked at the sunlight overhead as I settled him on my hip and grabbed the objects I’d brought along with me. I’d found them in the attic the other day when I was stowing some of the crap I’d brought from Oregon. At first I thought maybe I could used them sometime, when Colin was older. He might like to learn how to fish. But I decided the best idea would be to retire these poles and get new ones. These fishing poles had too much to do with my dad and me. Colin deserved one of his own.
I set the poles down in the middle of the clearing. One full-sized pole, one child-sized. They looked a little plain there so I plucked one of the pink roses from the flower arrangement and carefully set it on top. I assumed whoever had placed the flowers there wouldn’t mind sharing.
Colin uttered a few babbling consonants, something he’d been doing lately. I was aware of how much responsibility I had. There was so much to tell him. Of course some pieces of the story he’d never have to know. There were a few parts I would have done over again if I could.
“Goodbye, Dad,” I whispered, staring down at the fishing poles I’d placed side by side.
I still wondered about their reasons, why Chris and Heather had chosen me to take care of Colin if they couldn’t.
“Because he knew you’d rise to the challenge, that you’d love and protect that baby boy. Chris and Heather never doubted you”
That’s what Kat had said. I just didn’t understand why it was true. What the hell had I ever done to earn this kind of trust from them? I wished there was someone I could ask.
If Kat were here she’d probably have some fitting words to say at an emotional moment like this. Kat was good at words. She was good at everything that mattered. But Kathleen Doyle’s best talent proved to be awakening my heart in a way that no one else ever had.
I thought about her down there in Phoenix, bravely facing her own troubled past for the sake of her daughter. I was glad she’d decided to go. I’d be even more glad when she came back. There were things we needed to talk about.
“Let’s get out of here,” I said to Colin and kissed his cheek before carrying him back to the van.
The scars on the land would fade but I doubted I’d come back to this particular spot again. That didn’t mean I wouldn’t return to the mountains. Despite what happened I was sure my father would want Colin to know the woods, to have the satisfaction of pulling a fat rainbow trout out of the lake and appreciating how much brighter the stars are in the wilderness. I could show him those things. Maybe Kat and Emma would want to come with us.
Suddenly there was a plan in my head. Actually, it had been there for a while, right on the fringes. Now all the pieces were falling together and it was time to act. A new beginning could happen. All I needed was a little bit of help to get there.
I felt far more relaxed on the drive back down the mountain. Even though there was probably some kind of rule in the baby books against it, I took Colin to an ice cream parlor and shared a vanilla cone with him. He freaking loved it, practically gobbled my hand right off while I was holding the thing.
While we were sitting at the table closest to the window, I spotted my old nemesis Travis Hanson coming down the sidewalk. I’d heard how he’d been arrested last week. The story around town was that one of his employees had pressed assault charges against him. So it seemed that sometimes the wheels of justice turned just as they were supposed to.
Travis must have sensed someone watching him because he suddenly stopped and raised his head. Our eyes locked and I waved to him on the other side of the glass. He scowled and stalked away. I chuckled to myself and polished off the rest of the ice cream cone.
Unfortunately we couldn’t hang out and eat ice cream all day because there was too much to do. In the parking lot of the ice cream place I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel and considered my options. Asking for help still wasn’t a thing I got excited about.
I turned around and addressed Colin’s head in his rear facing car seat. “Let’s do this, little man.”
He belched.
I grinned. Then I called my aunt.
“Jane,” I said. “You free today? I was wondering if I could get your help with a few things at the house. And if Kevin’s around it would be great if you could bring him along. Oh, and I don’t have the number for Kathleen’s mother but if you could call her and ask her to meet us there at the house I’d appreciate it. Yeah, I’m sure.”
Before I drove home I stopped at the store and bought some moving boxes. I didn’t know how many I’d need but I figured this stack was a good start.
It was time to move forward. Things would happen. I was determined that from now on they would be only good things.