Something wet touched my right ear.
I might have slept through it if not for the sharp volley of impatient barking. When I tried to roll over Roxie jumped on my chest.
“Gimme a break,” I muttered, knowing it had to be pretty damn early in the morning because I was still dead tired.
Roxie smacked me with her paw. “Woof.”
The dog wasn’t the only thing making noise. The plaintive wail of an infant reached my ears and for an instant I was confused about why there were crying baby sound effects echoing through my apartment.
Then I remembered that they weren’t sound effects.
The dog’s ears flattened and she whined as she glanced at the open bedroom door before jumping off the bed.
“I’m up,” I groaned, blinking hard to clear my head a little. I was in my old bedroom, the one room in my dad’s house that had been untouched by renovation projects. Sports pennants and half naked women still decorated the walls, frozen in time as the dwelling of a teenage boy. The room was the same as it had been when I last lived here.
All that had changed was absolutely everything else.
Roxie barked again. The translation was either, “Get that damn kid to stop crying,” or, “Why are you sitting there scratching your dick instead of running to take care of the baby?”
“I’m going,” I groaned, stifling a yawn.
Colin’s room was on the other side of the second floor, right beside what had been the bedroom of his parents. So far I’d avoided looking in there. Even the sight of the closed door made me feel a little sick.
I had hoped they died in their sleep, the smoke from the swift moving fire overtaking them before they had a chance to react. But I’d since learned that was not the case. My father and his wife had been found beside their pickup truck. Upon waking up to discover the world was on fire my dad must have grabbed Heather and made a run for the vehicle, hoping to escape. In that final moment they would have realized it was already too late. Their hands were still joined when the rescue crew discovered them.
I paused at the doorway to Colin’s nursery. When I lived here the boxy little room with grey textured wallpaper had been used to store some inventory for my father’s store on Garner Avenue. Now it was an eruption of color with expressive painted animals on the walls amid happy scenes filled with balloons, smiling suns and rainbows. A teddy bear observed me from the corner rocking chair and a stuffed tiger slept at the foot of the crib where my brother paused for breath before belting out another cry.
Roxie nudged my hand like she was trying to push me forward. I crept over to the crib slowly so I wouldn’t startle the kid. He didn’t know me yet. Only two days had passed since the funeral of his parents.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, attempting to sound soothing and self-assured. Instead my voice scraped out of my dry throat and sounded more like a growl.
Colin stopped crying, opened his eyes to stare at me for a few heartbeats, and then erupted again, kicking his legs and waving his tiny fists with impressive four-month-old fury. Roxie made a sympathetic noise from the doorway. I sighed and scooped my hands under the baby’s writhing body while trying to crush a stab of unease.
There wasn’t much that could scare me and I had a habit of running head first into challenges. Sometimes I even pursued the worst of them. But every time I picked Colin up there was this new and uninvited sense of fear trying to push its way to the front, sharpened by a very hostile thought.
I have no fucking business being here.
Colin was still squirming and twisting and I realized I should probably check his diaper. Sure enough, it was heavy and saturated. I had him on the changing table, trying to figure out which way the new diaper was supposed to go, when he let out a squawk, followed by a stream of piss that hit me square in the chest.
“Good aim,” I muttered, managing to get the diaper secured on his body before wiping my chest off with a fist full of baby wipes.
Once he was wearing a clean diaper Colin agreed to be snapped back up into his stretchy one piece. Somehow I did it wrong because I wound up with a front snap that had no match and made the whole outfit look lopsided. But hey, the kid was clean and no longer crying so I wasn’t going to make a thing out of it. I carried him to the kitchen to retrieve one of the last remaining bottles Kat Doyle had prepared. She’d given me two cans of powdered formula and a lot of very precise instructions that I immediately forgot because there was only so much information I could stuff into my head in the space of a few days. No big deal. I’d just add bottle preparation to the long list of things I’d need to figure out.
Colin began energetically drinking a bottle in the cradle of my right arm while I tried to operate the coffee machine one handed. Normally I avoided caffeine but this seemed like a good morning to make an exception. I was surprised to see that the time on the clock above the stove said 8:50 am. My sense of time was all screwed up. I’d assumed it was earlier.
The coffee machine splashed one final stream of liquid into the mug that said ‘Hawk Valley Happiness’. There’d been a half dozen just like it in the cabinet. I didn’t bother with cream or sugar, swallowing the contents as fast as my mouth could stand the heat.
Meanwhile, Colin finished his bottle and let out a whimper. I thought he might still be hungry so I offered him another bottle. He seemed happy to have it.
The knock on the kitchen door almost made me drop my mug of Hawk Valley Happiness. Roxie jumped up. She watched the shadowy shape outside, barked once and then started wagging her tail.
“Did you forget you’re a watchdog?” I asked, flicking aside the yellow curtain covering the glass panel.
Kathleen Doyle waved to me from the other side and I didn’t know whether to groan with annoyance or fling the door open with gratitude. Mostly Kathleen was all right. No longer the skinny nerd who used to follow me around, she was all grown up with a kid of her own and she was obviously grieving over her cousin’s death. Plus she adored Colin and she seemed to know everything about babies so she’d been amazingly helpful. But she could also be exhausting. Kathleen was packed with high energy and extreme competence and at the moment dealing with her felt like a real pain in the ass. Still, I opened the door because she didn’t deserve to see the dickhead side of me.
“Good morning,” she said brightly, preparing to step over the threshold before I’d invited her in. She had her kid with her, a little girl with brown pigtails and a pouty expression. She didn’t look like Kathleen. She probably looked like her father, whoever that was. I hadn’t been rude enough to ask.
Colin responded to the sound of Kathleen’s voice, forgetting the bottle and trying to launch himself in her direction. Kathleen cooed and plucked him out of my arms without asking. Roxie was delighted with her sudden visitors, thumping her tail against the stove and licking the kid’s face.
“I like this dog,” the girl announced, giggling.
“Emma,” her mother warned. “Be careful about petting dogs you don’t know.”
Emma scowled at her mother. “But he likes me.”
“She,” I corrected, cracking a smile. “Her name is Roxie.”
“See Mommy? It’s a she. She’s nice.”
“You still need to be careful.”
I turned to Kathleen. “Look, it’s fine. Roxie wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
Kathleen wasn’t listening to me. She was too busy fussing over Colin. “Are you hungry, angel? You want more ba-ba?”
Ba-ba??
Kathleen grabbed the bottle from me and deposited it back into Colin’s mouth. She hummed and rocked him back and forth. I had to admit, the kid didn’t seem bothered by all the attention. He stared up at her with infant awe and seized a clump of her curly red hair, waving it around.
“Is he getting everything he needs?” she asked and finally looked my way. What she found caused her to blink, purse her pretty red lips and return her gaze to the baby.
I was still bare chested, wearing nothing but a pair of boxers, but I wasn’t going to break a sweat running upstairs for something better. Kathleen had barged in here unannounced. So if she wanted to scowl and blush and pretend like she was trying not to stare then I hoped she had a damn good time. I took another sip of coffee.
“He’s fine,” I said, slightly bothered that she was questioning whether I was taking care of Colin.
She checked out his crookedly snapped outfit. “Really?”
“Sure. We’ve been having a great time together, invited a few strippers over last night, huffed some glue and partied until the sun came up.”
“Mommy, what’s a stripper?” Emma asked.
Kathleen was annoyed. “Something we’re not going to talk about right now.”
“Why?”
“It’s my fault, Emma,” I said, setting my mug down. “I said a bad word. I’m sorry.”
The child stopped petting Roxie and squinted up at me. “Who are you?”
“Honey, this is Nash Ryan,” Kathleen said. “You’ve met him. He’s Colin’s big brother.”
The little girl was doubtful. “He doesn’t look like a brother. He looks like a dad.”
Kathleen tried again. “He’s Uncle Chris’s oldest son. Remember?”
“Oh yeah,” Emma said and her face fell. It must have been explained to her on some level, the tragedy of Chris and Heather. But there was no telling how much a little kid really understood about death. She probably wasn’t even in kindergarten yet. I’d been a teenager when I first encountered real tragedy and I’d still been totally blindsided by the permanence of it.
But then Roxie licked Emma’s face again. Emma laughed and the dark moment passed.
Kathleen cleared her throat. “Hey, Nash, can I ask you something?”
I yawned. “What’s up? You want some coffee?”
“No thanks.” She pointed to the empty bottle on the counter. “Did you just give Colin a bottle?”
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “He just woke up and he seemed really hungry.”
“So this is his second bottle?”
“Unless the rules of arithmetic have changed.”
“And have you burped him?”
“No. He didn’t seem like he needed it.”
Kathleen exhaled a little too loudly and scowled a little. I got the feeling I’d just given her the wrong answer.
There was still a little bit of liquid left in the bottle but Kathleen withdrew it from Colin’s mouth and began to transfer him back to me.
“It’s okay, sweetheart,” she said in a singsong high-pitched sweet voice when Colin grunted in protest. “Your big brother’s just gonna burp you.”
Kathleen loved holding Colin so I figured there must be a reason she was so abruptly handing him back to me. I didn’t have time to think about it because during the attempted baby handover the back of my hand accidentally brushed Kathleen’s shapely left breast. My neglected dick threatened to awaken and all of a sudden I was sorry I was standing there in nothing but flimsy boxer shorts.
Think of something else, anything else. Hamburgers. Dog shit.
“Uh, hold on,” I said, swerving over to the sink while Kathleen continued to hold the baby out. “I’ve got to wash my hands.”
This was fucking ridiculous. I wasn’t some horny teenager drooling over the first feel of a tit. Just because I hadn’t touched one in a while didn’t mean I was on the verge of losing control.
“Nash?” Kathleen said, sounding exasperated.
Baseball. Road kill. Dryer lint. Anything but tits. ANYTHING BUT TITS!!!
“Just a second.” I squirted hand soap into my palms and struggled to tame my impulses with completely sex-free thoughts that had nothing to do with unintentionally touching Kathleen Doyle’s boob for half a second. I needed to get off as much as the next guy but this girl sure as hell wasn’t going to volunteer to play hide the salami. Anyway, there were other priorities besides sex.
For the next twenty seconds I became the most industrious hand washer in the state of Arizona. I didn’t rinse the soap off until I was sure my dick had calmed down and wasn’t going to come popping out of my shorts.
“I’m good now,” I said, shaking the water off my hands and turning back to face Kathleen.
She gave me a funny look and stuck my brother in my arms.
Colin kept squirming while I tried to pat his back. I noticed Emma was still on the floor with Roxie. She was petting the dog and whispering something while Roxie stared at her with rapt fascination. Kathleen moved to go lean against the far wall, staring at me with her arms crossed like she was waiting for something to happen.
A few seconds later I figured out what that ‘something’ was when Colin bobbed his head, opened his mouth, and spat slimy white baby vomit all over my right shoulder.
“Fuck,” I said.
“Eww!” Emma shrieked.
Roxie barked.
Colin started to cry.
“Aw, it’s okay my precious sweetheart,” Kathleen said and for a weird second in all the confusion I thought she was talking to me.
She wasn’t. Once again she snatched Colin away while murmuring to him in that sugary sweet tone of voice that made me want to either roll my eyes or barf. Kathleen carried the crying baby upstairs, leaving me covered in puke while her kid gaped at me.
“You need to clean that up,” Emma informed me and then resumed petting Roxie.
“Thanks, I will,” I muttered.
I grabbed a handful of paper towels to absorb the bulk of the mess but that didn’t get rid of the stickiness. Plus I now reeked of sour milk. Not once had it ever crossed my mind that I’d end up serving as a canvas for both piss and puke in the same morning.
Meanwhile, I could hear Kathleen upstairs. She was singing some nursery rhyme about bunnies in the forest and Colin had stopped crying. I tossed the gross paper towels in the trash. More than anything I wanted to take a few minutes to clear my head in the steam of a hot shower.
“Listen, “ I said to Emma, “will you be okay down here for a few minutes?”
The girl looked at me, blinked her big brown eyes and then laid her head down on the kitchen tile beside Roxie’s paws. Roxie sniffed at her hair and licked her face. I took that to mean all was well so I jogged up the stairs.
When I peeked into Colin’s room Kathleen had her back to me while she cleaned him up on the changing table. The blue flowery skirt she wore was loose and long and didn’t hide the fact that she had a great ass. I might be a piece of shit for doing it but I stayed long enough to get a real good look at the view before retreating, then grabbed a change of clothes from one of my suitcases and retreated to hall bathroom.
The old pipes groaned as I switched on the shower but the water was blissfully hot. I felt slightly better after about thirty seconds under the spray but I was still amped up in a way that water couldn’t solve. For the past week my life had been all sadness and funeral arrangements and anxiety and regret. I needed something else. A release, just something brief and sordid to refocus my thoughts. My dick twitched and then hardened when my hand closed around it. With everything going on in the house at the moment it wasn’t really an ideal time to jerk off while thinking about a flower-covered ass and firm tits. I did it anyway. No one would have to know.
By the time I emerged from the shower and threw on some clothes, Kathleen had taken Colin downstairs. I found her in the kitchen, pouring some ghastly looking pink cereal into a bowl. Colin had been happily installed in his bouncer and placed in the middle of the wide kitchen table. He was clean, wearing a different outfit, and his wisps of light hair had been combed. He seemed content to swat at the colorful toys that hung from the bouncer. Emma sat on a booster seat at the table and Roxie’s head was in her lap. It seemed my dog had found a new master.
“I hope this is okay,” Kathleen said, retrieving a spoon from a nearby drawer and setting the bowl of cereal down in front of her daughter. “Heather watched Emma so often she tended to keep her favorite foods around.”
I shrugged. “Fine by me.”
Kathleen looked me up and down. I didn’t know what she was looking at. I was no longer almost naked so there was nothing to see. I wore jeans and a green t-shirt with the letters so faded I’d forgotten what they had once said.
But in case Kathleen’s legendary intelligence included psychic powers I grabbed a bottle of all purpose cleaner and started spraying down the tiled countertop so she wouldn’t guess I’d just jerked off to an imaginary fuck in which she’d played a starring role.
“Looks like your hand is all healed,” she said, pointing.
I looked at the back of my hand. There was still some bruising and scabbed skin but there was no need to wear a bandage anymore. Still, I was reminded that Kathleen was no fool and I needed to pick my words carefully.
“Yeah,” I said, keeping my tone even. “I’ll be more cautious in the future.”
“Nash, you can be honest with me if this isn’t working.”
I stopped spraying and stared at her. “What’s not working?”
She glanced at Colin and looked sad. “You don’t seem ready for this. You never expected to be the guardian, did you?”
I set the bottle of cleaner down a little too hard. The resulting noise was a bit loud. Roxie’s head popped up and she looked at me, startled. Kathleen crossed her arms again. Emma continued eating her cereal.
I spread my palms on the countertop and tried to keep the anger out of my voice. “It doesn’t matter what I expected. Heather and Chris didn’t expect to die. This is the way things are. And despite what you seem to think of me, I’m not going to flake out on my responsibilities.”
She raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t implying that. You just really seem to be struggling.”
“Kathleen, give me a break. Two days ago I buried my father and his wife and found out I’ll be raising a kid for the next eighteen years. I’m still trying to let it sink in. My life has been turned upside down.”
She let out a small hiss, a sound of disgust. “This isn’t about you nailing yourself to the cross, Nash. This is about what’s best for Colin.”
“And you don’t think I’m capable of doing what’s best for Colin.”
It wasn’t a question. She was being pretty clear.
Kathleen cocked her head. “Do you think you’re capable of doing what’s best for Colin?”
My temper was rising. Maybe it had something to do with her imperious attitude. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that she was honing in on my worst fears. The truth was I really wasn’t sure I had it in me to be everything Colin needed. I didn’t know if I was capable of being a good parent, or even a satisfactory one.
Or maybe I just resented the fact that Kathleen looked sexy as sin even when she was driving me crazy.
“What would have been best for Colin,” I said in a tight voice, “is if his parents had never fucking died.”
Kathleen grimaced. “Of course. But that’s not reality.”
“No, it’s not reality. The reality is that Heather and Chris are dead. The reality is they chose me as the guardian for their son, who also happens to be my brother.” I exhaled and lowered my voice. “So that’s what I’m going to do. Be his guardian.”
She didn’t look convinced. “Just like that? Don’t you have a job back in Oregon?”
“I’m a freelance website designer. I can do that anywhere.”
“But you can just pick up and move with no notice?”
“Sure.”
“There must be other things to consider.”
“Like what, Kathleen?”
“Well, don’t you have a life, Nash?”
I was sick of her questions. “Don’t you have a life, Kathleen?”
She flinched. “I have a life,” she said quietly and reached out to touch her daughter’s head.
Emma glanced at me and then kept eating her cereal. I had the feeling I’d touched a nerve. I hadn’t meant to. I appreciated everything Kathleen had done. I was glad she cared about Colin. And I really didn’t know what her personal situation was. Kathleen Doyle had been born brilliant, one of those people who’s expected to go out and conquer the world. But here she was back in her hometown living in a run down duplex with a little kid and no ring on her finger.
“Actually I didn’t have much of a life,” I said and Kathleen looked surprised. “Not really. I lived alone. I didn’t go out much. I existed. So I’m not losing a thing.”
All that was true. Yet it wasn’t the whole truth. I didn’t feel obliged to explain every thought in my head to Kathleen. She didn’t need to know that something still burned inside of me, something that had ignited the day my mother was murdered by a man she trusted. Something that compelled me to creep around in the shadows and mete out small doses of justice when I found the chance. Kathleen struck me as the type who would never endure violence, even when it was necessary. If I had admitted the real story behind my injured knuckles she wouldn’t understand. She might decide to cause a problem.
I stepped around the counter and approached the table. I squeezed a spongy pink pig that hung from Colin’s bouncer. It made a shrill squeaking sound. He kicked his legs and smiled. I smiled back.
“I’m in this for the long haul,” I said in a soft voice, talking more to my brother than to Kathleen.
“I’m sorry,” Kathleen said. “I didn’t mean-“
“Don’t be,” I said sharply. “Let’s just forget it.”
She nodded. “Okay.”
For a few seconds there was no sound but Emma’s crunching.
I decided I needed another cup of coffee so I refilled the mug.
“You look like you were on your way to work,” I said. I had no idea what Kathleen Doyle did for a living, nor did I particularly care, but the conversation needed a new direction.
“Ah, work,” said Kathleen, pulling up a kitchen chair and having a seat. “That’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. And I’ll take that cup of coffee if you’re still offering.”
I filled another one of the Hawk Valley Happiness mugs and handed it to her. She smiled when she saw it but I didn’t know why. I watched as she tossed her thick red curls over one shoulder and raised the mug to her full, sexy lips.
“What’s this about work?” I asked to keep my mind on G-rated topics.
“Yes. I wanted to discuss the store, to see what you had in mind. It’s been closed for a week already, which is of course understandable. But I was wondering what your thoughts were on a timeline for reopening.”
I’d given exactly zero thought to my father’s store on Garner Avenue. The place had experienced a number of transformations over the years. When my grandfather bought the building it was a failing bar. He remodeled and opened up a café called Ryan’s Place. It limped along for a good number of years but then my father took over when I was a toddler. Running an eatery was complicated with a slim profit margin and Chris Ryan had other ideas. He thought Hawk Valley was on the verge of a renaissance and Garner Avenue would become some kind of artisan mecca, attracting tourists and art shoppers like the places in Sedona and Scottsdale. So Ryan’s Place became Hawk Mountains Gallery. It was a miscalculation. One measly gallery wasn’t enough to draw the collectors to the area. So once again a change was in order and Hawk Valley Gifts was born. It was just a common souvenir shop where you could buy all kinds of kitschy crap with your name embossed in gold lettering but there was a sizeable area in the back where local artists sold their creations on consignment. At least that was how things stood the last time I was in there. I had no idea what was going on with the store these days.
Kathleen awaited my answer.
“I’ll give it some thought,” I said even though the store was low on my list of concerns.
“I could meet you down there this afternoon,” she offered, checking her watch. “I’ve got to drop Emma off at preschool and then I have to meet a couple of clients but I can carve out some time around two.”
I didn’t know why Kathleen should care so much about the store. It sounded like she had more than enough to keep her busy.
“Maybe another day,” I said, glancing at Colin in his bouncer. He was still enthralled with the dangling pig.
Kathleen was not pleased. “Nash, there are really some things that warrant immediate discussion where the store is concerned.”
“Fine. Just not today.” I had some other things to figure out, like child rearing. And my own work had been put on hold. There were half a dozen unfinished projects sitting on my laptop and there was probably a limit to my clients’ sympathies.
Kathleen frowned. “You also have two employees to consider, you know.”
Nope, the thought hadn’t even occurred to me.
“Are you one of them?” I asked her. That would explain why she was so insistent, although I would have thought Kathleen and her mega brains could do much better than working at a small town gift stop.
She shook her head. “No. Well, sort of. I mean, I wasn’t one of the employees I was referring to. But I’ve been doing the books for the last three years so I can tell you everything you need to know about the store’s financial status.”
“You’re an accountant?”
She shook her head. “Closer to a bookkeeper. I operate independently and a number of Hawk Valley’s small businesses are my clients.” A sad smile touched her lips. “I have Heather to thank for that. She convinced your father to hire me when I had no degree and no experience and then she recommended me around town.”
Kathleen dug around in a small brown handbag, plucked out a business card, and handed it over.
KATHLEEN DOYLE
SHOEBOX BOOKKEEPING
Serving small businesses all over Hawk County.
Let me take care of your needs!
I had to stifle a snort over the last tagline. I might go to hell for thinking it, but I’d be glad to outline a few ways she could ‘take care’ of my needs.
“Are you laughing?” Kathleen asked.
I shoved her business card into my back pocket. “Nope. Just had to clear my throat.”
She played with a long red curl and eyed me. “So does two o’clock work for you?”
I had the feeling she was going to pester me until I agreed. Besides, I should take a look at the store and consider the options. My dad’s will had left me in charge of all managerial decisions and the store was something I’d have to deal with sooner or later.
“I’ll make it happen,” I said. “I’ll just clear my blistering social schedule.”
Kathleen smiled, a real smile, not a melancholy one. She might be bossy and occasionally condescending but this girl could compete with the sun. She was beautiful.
Emma sulked when her mother told her it was time to leave. “I wanna stay with Roxie.”
“It’s time for preschool, sweetie. Remember, it’s a special day. The class is getting a new goldfish.”
Emma crossed her arms and then I saw her resemblance to her mother. “But I wanna stay here.”
“Hey,” I said and the kid looked at me like she’d forgotten I existed. “You can come back and see Roxie anytime. I mean that, Emma.”
And I did. I’d be a cold-blooded creep if I wasn’t at all moved by a little girl who loved my dog.
Emma smiled. She kissed the dog on the top of her head and reached for Kathleen’s outstretched hand. Kathleen mouthed the words, “Thank you,” and I nodded.
“By the way,” Kathleen said before she closed the kitchen door behind her, “that white minivan parked in front of the house was Heather’s. There’s a car seat already in the back and the keys should be on the hook beside the front door.”
“Okay.”
“If you take Colin anywhere you’ll need to strap him into a car seat.”
Seriously? I was no baby specialist but for crying out loud l knew at least that much.
“Thanks, Kathleen,” I said, a little sarcastically.
She didn’t notice. “See you at two?”
“I’ll be there.”
She broke into another brilliant smile and waved at Colin. “Bye bye, beautiful baby boy,” she said in a voice that made her sound like she’d been sucking on helium.
Once the door was closed the room felt awful empty. Roxie whined and gave me a puzzled canine look, probably wondering what I’d done to drive her new best friend away.
“Forgot to feed you this morning, didn’t I?” I asked.
The bag of dog food I’d thrown in the truck before we left Oregon was almost gone. I poured the rest into a dish and set it on the floor. Roxie dove right in and my own stomach growled. There was a stack of casseroles in the fridge, all brought by well-meaning neighbors, but nothing sounded good right now. I needed to go grocery shopping today. I needed to do a lot of things.
Colin kicked his legs and waved his arms, hitting the fuzzy pink pig in the process.
“Well little guy,” I said, trying to sound half as cheerful as Kathleen and failing, “what should we do first?”
The kid made a weird face, turned bright red, and expelled an unmistakable sound; wet shit hitting a diaper.
“My fault for asking,” I said.
My brother grinned at me.