“Me?” I’d croaked in disbelief. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding.”
Steve Brown, my father’s longtime friend and attorney, raised an eyebrow but tactfully confirmed that no, he was not in the habit of kidding around about child custody arrangements. My dad and Heather had actually named me as the sole guardian of my four month old brother.
“You are also the executor of the estate,” Steve explained. “The largest assets are the house and the store, half of which are bound up in a trust for Colin but you will be empowered to make all financial decisions and-Nash?”
I’d left him behind to babble about trusts and other bullshit on his own and sought out one of my few remaining relatives to explain a few things.
“You seem unhappy,” Jane said in the backyard of Nancy Reston’s house after I gave her a rundown of the conversation with Steve Brown.
Kevin Reston kept his arm around my aunt and shot me a wary look. I couldn’t blame the guy. He remembered me as the asshole teenager I’d been back when he volunteered to help coach the football team at Hawk Valley High.
“Just caught off guard,” I said, noticing that we weren’t the only ones in the backyard. A dog and a little girl were trampling Nancy’s flowers. I’d seen the girl around enough in the last few days to recognize her as Kathleen’s kid.
I tried to sort out my thoughts. “This is a lot to take in.”
That had to be the understatement of the millennium. The relationship between my father and me was messy. I’d always assumed he didn’t hold me in high regard. He’d told me so enough times. So why in the hell would he name me as Colin’s guardian? There had to be other options.
Not my grandparents. They’d been dead for years. Heather’s mother was gone. Cancer or something. Her deadbeat father was still alive but I’d heard he was living in Idaho and muttered ‘stupid bitch’ when called with the news that his only daughter was dead. He didn’t even come to the funeral.
And not Jane. She would have been the logical choice. If only she was stable. My aunt was a nice lady but when I was in high school she streaked naked through the Chicken Delight restaurant in nearby Boland while shrieking, “Stop the carnage! Save the chickens!” Jane wasn’t a caregiver. Jane was someone people took care of.
Yet I still didn’t understand how I’d landed at the top of the list. Chris and Heather Ryan had lived in Hawk Valley all their lives. They couldn’t walk to the mailbox without tripping over a half dozen friends. At least a few of them must be steady folks with jobs and parental instincts.
Kathleen, for example.
When I’d found her in the kitchen a few minutes ago she’d looked like a breathing advertisement for tranquil motherhood, the kind of woman who might be cast in a commercial for vegan organic baby carrots or some shit.
“You’ll get to stay here in town now,” Jane said and I saw the idea made her happy. She just took it for granted that I’d jump at the chance to abandon my old life and become an instant parent.
Fuck.
I ran a hand through my damp hair and tried to think. I’d never even changed a goddamn diaper.
Then I looked up and saw Kathleen Doyle was staring at me through the kitchen window. In her arms my baby brother continued to happily suck the contents of his bottle. He didn’t know that he was an orphan. He didn’t know that the peaceful, happy childhood his parents had imagined for him was gone.
I was a selfish person. Some might call me a dangerous one. But my heart wasn’t cold enough to feel nothing for the tiny human who was now my responsibility. My father and Heather knew what kind of man I was. If they’d left Colin in my care it was because they couldn’t think of a better option. And anyway, they must have figured this would never come to pass. I’d only been chosen as a precaution.
“Nash?” Jane called because I’d abruptly turned and headed back through the door to the kitchen.
Colin had finished his bottle and Kathleen was patting his back. She looked startled when I busted into the room again. I wasn’t sure what she thought of me and I didn’t care much. I had only one priority now and she wasn’t it.
“Can I hold him now?” I asked.
A surprised eyebrow popped up and she glanced at Colin as if she wanted to hear what he had to say about the question. Then she sighed and eased up out of the rocking chair.
“Of course,” she said, reaching me in three graceful steps.
I reached out but she pulled back and handed me a blanket.
“You’re still wet from the rain so drape this over your chest. And wait, move your arms closer to your body. You’re holding a baby, not catching a ball.”
Kathleen Doyle sure liked handing out orders but I was willing to accept a little direction. If she assumed I didn’t know what I was doing then she was right. I’d learn though. I’d learn everything there was to know.
Colin produced a low mewl of protest when moved from the warm comfort of Kathleen’s arms to endure my awkward cradling. I thought he’d be heavier. He peered up at me and a wrinkle formed between his brows, like he was worried about why he’d been handed over to some unshaven stranger. The hair on his head was wispy and blonde, like his mother’s. I had a sudden flashback of Heather throwing her had back and laughing at something. It was something I’d said, although I couldn’t recall what. I wasn’t a funny guy.
If babies were capable of doubt, there was definitely doubt in this kid’s eyes. He hadn’t gotten those eyes from Heather. They were bright blue, like my father’s. Like mine. His mouth suddenly puckered and I thought he might cry.
“It’s all right,” I said. “It’s me. It’s your big brother.”
I tried to touch his cheek but he grabbed at my finger, curling his hand around it with more strength than I would have expected.
“Don’t worry, Colin,” I said with confidence I didn’t feel. “I’m not going anywhere.”
That was the truth. I really wasn’t going anywhere. I couldn’t take him back to a tiny one bedroom apartment beside the ocean. The life I’d led there was solitary and sometimes reckless and it was over. Colin’s parents had wanted him to grow up here and there was no one else to do the job.
My life had just been irrevocably altered and I felt the need to tell someone about it. I looked up and caught Kathleen Doyle’s eyes staring at me.
“I’ll be staying right here,” I told her, as if daring her to argue with me.
She didn’t.