The forecast didn’t call for rain today but the skies opened up and the crowd began drifting away from the ceremony. There were a lot of unfamiliar faces, people from out of town. Maybe they were morbid curiosity seekers. The fire and its tragic conclusion had been all over the news.
“The husband and wife team owned a souvenir shop in the picturesque town of Hawk Valley. They leave behind an infant son. Now back to you, George, for the traffic report.”
A news truck from one of the Phoenix stations was hovering in the parking lot. I wondered if it carried the same reporter who had encountered Nash this morning. He’d told her to fuck off before she finished her sentence.
As the grievers who’d been circled around the burial site began to back away and glance up at the threatening sky, Nash remained in place with his head bent and his big hands hanging at his sides.
The pastor concluded the ceremony and touched Nash on the shoulder before following the crowd. He appeared to say something but I was too far away and it didn’t seem to matter anyway. Nash ignored him.
My left heel wobbled in the slippery grass as I made my way over to Nash. I avoided looking at the two caskets covered with bright flowers. I didn’t want to think about what they contained.
Nash didn’t look up as I approached and I couldn’t see his face.
“Nash,” I said as the rain intensified. “Are you okay?”
Now he looked up. A loud overhead thunderclap punctuated the moment. The expression in his blue eyes was so anguished I was tempted to reach for him. But Nash Ryan was not the kind of man who would lay his head on anyone’s shoulder and weep.
“It’s over,” he said and seemed surprised. I wondered if he’d been listening to the service at all or if he’d been too lost in his bleak thoughts. This wouldn’t be the first funeral he’d sat through, not the first time someone he loved was taken in a brutal manner.
“Yes,” I said. “It’s over.”
That was true. At least this part was over. The authorities had mercifully released the bodies quickly and the funeral was able to proceed only four days after the fire. A lot of people in town had stepped up to help but Nash insisted on personally handling the arrangements himself. Maybe he just liked keeping his mind occupied.
Perhaps that’s why he’d been too busy to spend any time with Colin.
In the short term there was no shortage of people happy to fill the void and take care of the baby but sooner or later there was a critical decision to make. I knew what Heather and Chris had wanted. My cousin had told me about the visit to Steve Brown a few months ago. The attorney was probably waiting until after the funeral to share the contents of the will.
People wondered and whispered among themselves. “What about the baby? What will happen to him?” And I stayed silent because I didn’t have the right to gossip, especially when Nash himself hadn’t yet been informed about the role his father intended him to play.
Nash’s observation suddenly took on a deeper meaning. Yes, the funeral was over. But now he’d need to figure out what came next.
Nash walked silently at my side as we trailed after the sea of black-clad figures heading for the parking lot. Even though the rain was coming down steadily we didn’t hurry. I held my handbag over my head to serve as an inadequate umbrella while thunder rumbled above. Nash didn’t seem to notice that he was getting soaked to the skin.
We’d encountered each other plenty of times in the days since he returned to town but we hadn’t been alone together or had a one on one conversation. The vibe between us wasn’t awkward exactly, but it wasn’t comfortable either. From what I’d seen of Nash so far, he didn’t go out of his way for the sake of good manners.
“Your car?” he said, gesturing to my pile of old Ford bones that was probably a grocery store trip away from sudden death.
“Yes.” I unlocked the driver’s side door. “I’ll see you at Nancy’s house?” I asked him.
Nancy Reston, often referred to as ‘Saint Nancy’ had been Hawk Valley’s mayor for two decades and retired last fall because she loved children and wanted to run a daycare. She had volunteered to host a gathering at her house after the funeral so the family didn’t have to be bothered with such plans. Nancy herself had missed the funeral because she was watching Colin and Emma.
Nash didn’t answer and was staring off into the distance so I thought he hadn’t heard the question.
“There will be food,” I said, feeling as if I needed to fill the silence with words. Even stupid words. “Nancy hired a caterer. It was nice of her to go to all the trouble.”
Nash said nothing. He could have been a statue. A square-jawed, absurdly good looking sculpture permanently posed beside the hood of my car.
I cleared my throat. “I meant to ask what you want to do about tonight. Nancy had Colin last night but I don’t know if she’s up to covering two nights in a row. I can take him tonight if you want…”
My voice trailed off because I finally realized what he’d been staring at. From here the Hawk Mountains were only ragged shadows. The smell of smoke was long gone and from afar there was no hint about what kind of disaster had unfolded up there. You’d have to get a lot closer to see the scars left by the fire.
Grief flooded me. It had been a constant companion lately but every now and then the ache sharpened to a crippling pain. Heather was nine years older then I was so we hadn’t been close while growing up. In my narrow opinion my perky blonde cousin was somewhat conceited and superficial. But when I returned to Hawk Valley four years ago as a pregnant college dropout who’d just exited a toxic relationship and didn’t feel up to answering questions about anything, Heather glued herself to my side and became my biggest champion. She helped me find work. She was there at the hospital holding my hand when Emma was born. And when she saw a long awaited positive sign on a drugstore pregnancy test, I was the first one she called with the news.
The tears I’d managed to contain throughout the funeral were now threatening to engulf me.
“Oh god,” I moaned and found myself leaning on the wet car for support.
There were suddenly arms around me, strong arms lifting me from my slumped position and pulling me against a broad chest. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and breathed in the pine scent of his aftershave. Nash said nothing as he held me and that was fine. It only lasted for a moment and in that moment we were just two anguished people clinging to each other in the parking lot of a cemetery as a cold rain fell. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been held by anyone and I would have gladly hung onto him a lot longer. But Nash let go and backed away.
“I’ll see you later,” he said before heading to his truck.
I didn’t have a clear idea whether he planned to show up at Nancy’s or whether he needed me to take care of Colin tonight. However, I didn’t feel like chasing after him for answers so I sighed and ducked into my own car. I shrugged out of my wet blazer, relieved the blouse underneath was mostly dry, before making the short drive to Nancy Reston’s house.
The house was in the oldest part of town, only two streets over from the one where Nash and I had grown up. Years ago my mother had sold her old house in that neighborhood and moved into a fairly new condo across town. As for the gorgeous Victorian that Chris Ryan had spent years restoring, I would assume it belonged to Nash now. Well, Nash and Colin.
Nancy had only invited the friends and family of Chris and Heather so there wouldn’t an obscene number of people to deal with. The silver haired former mayor greeted me at the door with a warm hug and produced an embroidered pink towel so I could do something about my damp hair. I was still standing in the foyer and toweling off my messy hair when the small hurricane that was my daughter sped past me.
“Hey there, missy,” I said, trying to scoop the giggling girl into my arms.
Emma was not a child who liked to be contained. She wriggled away.
“Look what Grandma gave me,” she announced, triumphantly holding up a five dollar bill.
The last time my mother gave Emma money, my daughter had decorated Abraham Lincoln’s face with bright red crayon and then wrapped the bill around a ball of clay. The lesson should have been to avoid offering paper money to a three year old but my mother was a slow learner sometimes.
“And where is Grandma?” I asked her.
Emma pointed. “In there.” She scrunched up her face and my heart skipped because for a second she looked exactly like her father. I should be used to the resemblance by now but somehow it still caught me off guard.
Emma resisted when I took her by the hand but I couldn’t let her tear through the house getting into all kinds of trouble. Nancy had her hands full with the arriving guests.
My mother offered me a nod from her place by the picture window beside Uncle Ben, the oldest living member of my family. His thin hands trembled and his face was confused as my mother yapped in his ear between bites of lemon cake.
Emma stopped trying to struggle out of my grip when I directed her to the table of refreshments and piled fruit on a plate. Emma loved strawberries the way other kids loved chocolate bars.
Jane was seated on a small sofa with a napping Colin in her arms. Her posture was rather stiff and she kept her eyes on the baby. Jane didn’t often volunteer to hold her nephew and never offered to babysit. At first I thought it seemed Jane was almost afraid of the child, yet after observing she over the past few days I didn’t believe that was it. Jane wasn’t afraid of the baby. She was afraid of herself, maybe of her ability to hold him properly. Heather once described Jane as ‘painfully fragile’ and that was an accurate description. I knew the whispers about her history. The breakdowns. She’d supposedly been steady for quite some time but since the fire she seemed to be withdrawing more. Heather and Chris had come to their decision for a reason. Jane would never be up to the task of taking care of Colin.
I settled Emma on a nearby chair with her plate of strawberries and eased down on the chintz sofa beside Jane. “Do you want me to take him?”
Her nod of relief was immediate. “Yes, thank you.”
Colin awoke as he was shifted into my arms. “Hey, little man,” I said and he smiled. I moved him to an upright position, wondering if it was time for a bottle, but for the moment he seemed content to lay his head on my shoulder and try to grab my chunky turquoise necklace.
“He loves you,” Jane said, a little wistfully.
I didn’t point out that Colin was a baby and didn’t know how to love anyone. Babies required things. Comfort, feedings, clean diapers, affection. They didn’t yet have anything to offer in return.
Kevin Reston materialized with a thick cardigan sweater. He carefully draped it over Jane’s shoulders.
“You doing all right, honey?” he asked her with such tenderness my heart seized up a little. Jane hadn’t been lucky in many aspects of her life but she’d been lucky enough to find love. Many of us would search forever and only find pale imitations of the real thing.
“I’m fine,” Jane said, though anyone who looked at her would have some doubt. There were dark circles under her eyes and her small frame looked slighter than ever. I doubted she was sleeping much. Or eating.
“Mommy?” Emma piped up. “Can we go home now?”
“Not yet, baby.”
“I want to pet Bruno.”
“He’s been jailed in the back bedroom,” Kevin said, referring to his mother’s wily terrier. He grinned at Emma. “Otherwise he’d be jumping on everyone and stealing all the food.”
Emma considered and then changed tactics. “I want to go in the backyard.”
“It’s raining, Ems,” I told her.
She crossed her arms and looked unhappy. The days since the fire had been confusing for her.
Kevin cleared his throat. “Actually, I was just outside and the rain seems to be letting up.” He winked at Emma. “What do you say? How about we rescue Bruno and let him run around the backyard?” Kevin glanced at me. “If it’s okay with your mom.”
“That’s more than okay,” I said. “Thank you, Kevin.”
Kevin tried to get Jane to accompany them to the backyard but she shook her head and pulled her sweater more securely around her body.
After Emma bounced away, trailing Hawk Valley’s fire chief, Jane craned her neck around.
“Where’s Nash?”
I was about to admit I wasn’t sure he was even coming when the doorbell rang. Nash walked in looking slightly less sodden than he had in the cemetery. I had to admit, he wore the disheveled look well.
“There he is,” Jane said and a slight smile curved her lips.
Nash evaded Nancy’s attempt to towel him off and then stood awkwardly in the parlor doorway, surveying the quiet gathering. His gaze landed on Colin, who was still happily installed on my left shoulder. I wished I had a window into Nash Ryan’s head to see what he was thinking.
“And Steve Brown is here,” Jane noticed and there was surprise in her voice. The lawyer was the kind of guy who kept to the corners of any room and was easy to miss. “I wonder why.”
“Steve and Chris were good friends,” I told her gently, thinking she should be aware of the fact already. “They went to high school together.”
Steve Brown approached Nash. He had the look of an archetypal attorney; slightly balding, slightly overweight and perpetually serious. He’d been practicing on the upper floor of a brick building on Garner Avenue for as long as I could remember and carried the legal secrets of many of Hawk Valley’s longstanding residents in his solemn, bespectacled head.
“Oh,” Jane nodded. “Right. I forgot.”
Through Steve’s mellow murmurs I picked out the words, “Tomorrow,” and “My office.”
Nash seemed irritated. “Let’s just talk now,” he said, a little more loudly than necessary.
Steve obviously didn’t like the idea but he sighed and led Nash out of the room, presumably to someplace more private.
“What’s that about?” Jane wondered.
“I’m not sure,” I said.
Of course that wasn’t true. I knew exactly why Chris’s friend and lawyer would have felt obliged to corner Nash only an hour after his father’s funeral. There wasn’t just the matter of the store, the house and property to deal with. Those things could wait. But a child couldn’t.
Colin gurgled next to my ear and I rubbed his small back, feeling a surge of fierce maternal emotion. He wasn’t my child but I loved him. I would fight to protect him.
In my head I began cataloguing everything I knew about Nash Ryan.
Loner.
Unpredictable.
Detached.
Wickedly hot.
Unforgiving.
It didn’t sound like a good recipe for a parent. There’d always been a tumultuous relationship between Nash and Chris. Still, Chris would have chosen to believe the best about his eldest son. Despite everything I’d ever heard about Nash Ryan, Chris and Heather must have had their reasons for assuming he would be the best guardian.
My opinion was still up in the air. So far Nash hadn’t inspired much confidence where Colin was concerned.
Jane opted to head out to the backyard after all. Colin began fussing after a few minutes so I decided to hunt down a bottle for him. Nancy likely had one ready to go in the fridge.
There was a cozy rocking chair in the kitchen so I took a seat and let Colin eagerly latch onto the bottle. The window in front of me had a nice view of the backyard. Emma looked like she was having the time of her life, running around Nancy’s green grass with the hyper terrier chasing, fluffy tail sweeping back and forth excitedly. Jane was also out there now and Kevin wrapped a protective arm around her while I watched. Emma tossed a small red ball in the air and then squealed with delight when the dog leapt up and caught it. I smiled. It felt good to smile after so many sad days in a row.
A shadow in the doorway made me turn my head and I stopped smiling. Nash stood there, appearing shocked and more than a bit pale. He looked at Colin, who was happily sucking away at his bottle and oblivious to being examined.
“Do you want to hold him?” I asked. I expected Nash to refuse. I was right.
“Not now,” he said.
“Then when?” The question was sharp. I hadn’t meant for it to be. But not once had I seen Nash hold the baby.
He answered the question with one of his own. “Where’s Jane?”
I gestured to the window. “Out back.”
Nash lowered his head and moved toward the back door.
“He told you, didn’t he?” I blurted. “Steve told you about the will.”
Nash looked at me. “You knew?”
“Yes.” I tried to read his expression. “What are you going to do?”
But Nash Ryan had already proven he didn’t answer questions he didn’t feel like answering.
Maybe he didn’t know the answers yet.
He left the kitchen and I watched through the window as he spoke to his aunt. Once he raked a hand through his dark hair and glanced toward the window. Our eyes met and a chill of unease traveled down my spine.
All along I’d wondered, and feared, what Nash’s reaction would be when he learned he’d been named as the sole guardian of his baby brother.
From the look on his face, it seemed he wasn’t handling the news well at all.