Locke

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Waking up this morning, I felt different. I wasn't imprisoned behind bars in my mind, I wasn't weighed down by fear and anger. I met a man, a man who made me smile and have the ability to see beyond my past and into my future.

Cole had opened my eyes, he had helped me to see that I had become my own worst enemy. I had been living an existence that was barely more than a caged animal. I spent every day trapped behind walls and barbwire, afraid to step outside and let people in.

I was done with all that. I had to be. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone, withering away to nothing. I was still here, I was still breathing, it was time for me to stop being scared.

It's time to let people in, not push them away.

Fingers played an invisible violin, my head bopped to the metronome tick of the beat as I strummed to the classical song only I could hear.

I tried to forget the person I had seen in the alley, I forced myself to not go down that road again. Maybe I was over dramatizing the entire damn thing, maybe none of it was real. It was possible, my mind had been a train wreck for so long.

If someone was there, they could have been more afraid of me with how I reacted. I ran across the road like a fucking insane person, keys protruding from my hand like Wolverine.

I couldn't even say for sure that I wouldn't have sliced them where they stood before they even had time to explain a fucking thing.

If I was them, I would have run too.

Stepping out onto the street, I tucked the bag of cow tails into my purse and started for the bus. This feeling, this heightened sense of happiness, I was going to use it the best I could.

I didn't pay attention to the swarm of people passing by me in both directions, I didn't keep checking over my shoulder and staring at every face to see if they were watching me.

For the first time in years, I actually just walked without paranoia tensing my muscles and eating away at my gut.

Sitting on the bench, I checked the time on my phone. Visiting hours went until eight at night, I had plenty of time to get there and get back home before dark.

Daytime I could handle for now, reminding myself that there were people everywhere, that the odds of something happening in the bright light were slim to none. Nighttime, when the sun went down and the moon sprouted between weeds of clouds, taking its place in the sky; that was a different story.

The anxiety I already felt was heightened ten fold when darkness coated the streets like a thick layer of paint.

Gripping the edge of the cold iron, I kicked my feet back and forth as I watched a cluster of birds land on the wire across the street. Today was going to be a good day, I had to believe that.

An electric blue car pulled into the break down lane, sending the birds into a flurry of flight. A glare from the sun blocked me from seeing inside, reflecting back only my own image.

Who the hell is this?

Pushing back, I glanced around, looking to see if someone was coming to meet the car. There was no one else waiting for a ride.

Curling my fingers tighter around the bench, my knuckles drained to white as I nervously waited for something to happen.

Who is this? Why are they stopping right there?

The window rolled down and I couldn't help but smile. Instantly my heart warmed and my muscles tingled.

Cole was behind the wheel, leaning towards me with his chin rested on his fist. “Your chariot has arrived, where to?”

Giggling, I stepped up to the passenger door and draped my hands over the edge and into the car. “What are you doing here?”

“I was driving by and saw you waiting. Want a lift?”

Shaking my head, my lips stayed plastered in a tight smirk. “No, but thank you, the bus should be here in a few minutes.”

“I don't mind, let me drive you.” Nodding his head, he checked his mirrors. “You should probably just climb in, I'll get a ticket if I stay parked here too long.”

I wanted to say yes, but the voice inside my head said no. It was my mother's voice, the sweet sound of her tone and concerned pitch as she reminded me he was still a stranger.

She was telling me that I shouldn't get into the car with someone I didn't know. That it was irresponsible to trust someone I just met.

I remembered the conversation so vividly, even the scent of her sunflower perfume resonated in my mind. Hovering over me, her hair tickled my forehead as she held my shoulders. The small orchid necklace she had for as long as I could remember, dangled outside the collar of her yellow blouse, gently swinging back and forth.

Her caring and motherly tone was stern but full of love as she explained a danger I would probably never see, but should be aware of anyway.

I missed that, I missed her and who she was.

There were no more embraces, no more talking and confiding in her the way I used to. The mother I had, the mother I remembered, she was gone.

Lifting a hand to my chest, I touched the light purple flower as it mimicked the swing I remembered, and squeezed it in my palm. “So don't stay parked. You can go, I'll take the bus like I always do.”

“Come on, let me give you a ride. It's the least I can do.”

Cocking my brow, I eyed him. “The least you can do? You don't owe me anything, and you have no clue where I'm going. What if I'm leaving town, what if I'm going miles away from here?”

Scrunching his nose, Cole's mouth drew taut. “That's not what you're doing.” Strumming his thumb over his chin, he dragged it down his throat.

My eyes followed, watching his fingers touch the tensed muscle in his neck as he swallowed. My veins tightened as his head lowered and tipped back up, his gaze firmly set on mine.

Flashes sparked in his eyes, holding me still, removing every natural impulse my body had to push away and flee. I tried to breathe, but I couldn't. I tried to think, but my brain had shut down. I tried to speak, but my tongue refused to move.

I was suspended in him, in how he made my body come to life so easily when it had been asleep for so long.

I felt my heart, my nerves, my muscles. I could feel my pulse beat under the skin and a sizzle in my fingertips. My blood ran hot, my sex grew wet. It was like fresh air had been breathed into my lungs, giving me new life.

He did things to my body that no one ever had. Things that made me feel good for once, things that seemed too natural to ignore.

I couldn't ignore him.

“I know what you're trying to do.” Holding up his finger, he bounced it in my direction. “And I'm not going to let it happen. Let's go, get in.”

“And what is it you think I'm trying to do?” The corner of my lip perched high, challenging him and what he thought he could see in my eyes or hear in my voice.

“You're trying to avoid this.” Flicking his finger between us, a bright smile etched its way across his face. “It won't work.”

“You don't know what I'm thinking.” Ticking my head side to side, my brows arched high. “You don't know me.”

“I don't need to know you, I get paid to read people. Trust me, that's exactly what you're trying to do. But you can't deny it.”

“Deny what?”

“That you really love this car.” The corner of his lip twisted into a crooked smile, his lids balanced half open as he explored my face. “You can't avoid what you feel.”

Squinting one eye, I sucked in air through my lips. “What you don't realize is that avoidance is my specialty.”

“And corruption is mine.” Wiggling his head for me to come in, he chuckled. “Maybe it's time for you to walk forward, not backwards.”

A tiny voice inside spoke up, growing and taking shape. Go, you'll be fine. That small voice pushed me forward, it egged me on and gave me the strength to step out of my comfort zone.

Closing my eyes, I hung my head. I can't believe I'm going to do this. Pulling open the door, I climbed inside. “You're sure you don't mind?”

“Not at all. Where are you headed?”

“The Bridge's center.” Keeping my eyes in my lap, I waited to hear a confused gasp or questioning grunt.

He didn't react at all.

“Bridge's center it is.”

Fiddling with my fingers, I braided them together, only to un-braid them and braid them again. I wasn't good at starting conversations. I spent so much time keeping people away, that small talk wasn't a natural thing for me.

I spent all my time alone, my life was boring and that was exactly how I had wanted it. It just didn't make for good topics of discussion. Who wants to hear about how I spent my Saturday night cleaning my oven and organizing the records I had by year? Other than the few elderly customers that came into the bar, no one.

The only conversation I ever really had was with my cat. The rest of the time, I would let the narrator speak and I would just agree. Working at the bar did nothing to help me open up, it only made me more introverted.

The job had failed me. . . No, I failed myself.

Cole cleared his throat, filling the space between us with his husky, deep voice. “So, you volunteer there or something?”

Shaking my head, I smiled. “Not exactly.”

“What's that mean, not exactly?”

“I'm going to visit someone.”

Nodding, he kept his eyes on the road, repeatedly flicking them between the mirrors. “Someone who?”

“Someone I know.”

His hands splayed open on the wheel as he allowed his eyes to drift to mine. “I'm sorry, I'm not trying to pry.”

“I just don't really want to talk about it, okay?”

My reason for going there was hard enough for me to deal with, saying it out loud to someone I hardly knew, that was impossible.

If I told him who, it would only open the door for more questions. I didn't want questions.

Questions would lead to my past, questions would bring me back into a state of panic and fear. I had made the choice to move forward, to move on. I couldn't do that if I had to explain it all over again.

“That's fine, I understand.” Smiling, Cole's eyes draped over my face, searching for the answers without sound. “It's none of my business, I get it.”

The way he stared at me for that one second, the way his eyes licked my body in one quick swoop; it lit something inside me. The tiny flame burned weak, but it was there.

“It's not that, it's just—” Cutting myself off, I turned my face to the window. “It's complicated and I really don't like talking about it.”

His hand swept over mine, linking our fingers together. “Just so you know, I'm a good listener, but I get it. You don't have to tell me anything, it's fine.”

Looking up at him, his lids hooded as he smiled. Nodding, I gripped his hand tighter and smiled back. “Thank you.”

That was the first time I actually wanted to be touched by a man, the first moment that I didn't want to run far away. His touch wasn't poison on my skin, it didn't burn and sting to have his fingers mixed with mine.

The urge to cower and hide to protect myself from harm didn't surge to life and make me grip the handle, ready to jump out of the car.

I wanted it, I ached for it. And I couldn't understand how he did it.

How did this man I had just met, make me feel so much from nothing?

We had coffee. . . That was it.

But it didn't feel like that was it, it felt like so much more.

The way he spoke at the bar made my heart sing a symphony of songs. His small note left me giddy and smiling for an entire day. The way he gently touched me brought out feelings that I thought had shriveled up and turned to dust.

I was beginning to realize that I was wrong. That no matter what you go through, things don't vanish, they only fall asleep until someone else comes in and revives them.

I could never escape my past, that was a burden I had to deal with on my own.

But my future. . . That was still open to the hands of creation.

The sign came into view and Cole turned into the parking lot. “Do you want me to wait? I can give you a ride back when you're ready.”

“No, I can't ask you to do that.” Teasing the metal pull with my fingers, I forced a smile. “Thank you though, I appreciate it.” Popping the door open, the wind whistled through the crack and ruffled my hair.

Reaching out, Cole brushed the loose strands back behind my ear. Goosebumps broke over my skin, riding my spine and making me shiver. “Really, it's not a problem. I don't have anywhere to be, I can wait for you.”

“No, it's alright, I can grab the bus back.”

“Okay, how about this then. . .” Pausing, he stared out the windshield with a light twinkle in his eye. “I'll come in with you and then after, you let me take you out for dinner. How does that sound?”

Arching a brow, I couldn't stop the smile from exploding across my face. “Dinner? You want to take me out to dinner?”

“Yeah, that's what I'd like to do.”

“And you want to come in with me?”

“Sure, why not.”

“Cole, I appreciate the offer, I do, but you coming in—”

Holding up his hand, he silenced me. “I really don't have any place to be right now, let me come with you. I won't ask questions, I promise. And, well, I like you, Locke.”

There was something about his sincerity that made me run the idea through my head. Maybe it could help, maybe him coming in with me would be a nice little change that could make a difference.

All my visits were usually spent with me talking and her sitting like a mute, staring out the window. Bringing Cole might get a reaction from her, it might throw a ripple in the stagnant water and help her to come alive. . .

Even a glimmer in her eyes would be progress.

And at this point, I'd take anything to know she was still someplace inside.