Jonathan
“So Kate, tell us about your family.”
The four of us had moved from the dining room to the sitting room with our cups of cappuccino, and even though there had been a slight air of tension during dinner it had evaporated now, and to my surprise Jess had put the skepticism behind her.
My mother put her cup down and leaned eagerly towards Kate, who looked across at me slightly uncomfortable, and I realized that I, myself, didn’t know anything about her family. They could have been serial killers, abusers, or dead for all I knew.
“I’d love to meet them before the wedding,” my mother continued, and Kate shifted in her seat.
“Um, yes. Of course.”
“Are they here in New York too, or would they have to fly in? I’m sure Jonathan could get Helen to book a couple of flights for them.”
“Yes, they’re here… I mean, they’d have to fly in,” she turned to me with an unreadable expression. “Would anyone like anything from the kitchen? I’m just going to… please excuse me.”
She put her cup down and stood up, leaving the room quickly. We all watched her, confused.
“What was that all about?” Jess asked, turning to me. “Sore subject?”
I didn’t want to say yes, because admitting that I didn’t know her family ailments proved that I didn’t know her enough to marry her. I was going to walk down the aisle with a woman who had some deeper issues than I had previously thought. I knew she was complicated, she’d told me many times, but just how complicated?
“Go after her,” my mother said firmly. “I think she needs you.”
I got up, leaving the room and walked through the house until I found her outside sitting on the front steps.
“Kate?”
She sighed but didn’t turn around.
“I’m sorry, Jonathan. I just… it was just…”
I sat down and put my arm around her back. Comforting someone had never been something I was particularly good at, and I’d always managed in some way or another to coast through life without having the need to do it, but I couldn’t stand the sight of Kate hurting and the sudden new desire to protect her made me feel uneasy.
“You don’t need to ever apologize to me,” I whispered, kissing her shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it? Talk about what’s getting you?”
She shook her head, looking out at the scenery around us, and suddenly she reminded me of a lost little girl in a big city with nowhere to go and no one to turn to. I pulled her close to me in an embrace and kissed the top of her head, and to my surprise the sudden act of the comforting I’d given her gave me the overwhelming feeling of wanting to take away every last bit of pain and sorrow that she felt in her life. The only person I’d ever wanted and felt that for was my mother.
She turned to me, her eyes large and bright, and the urge to pull and kiss her was so unbearable that I reached forwards, my hands sliding around the back of her neck, and I pulled her lips against mine.
Her lips were warm and inviting, and after a moment of hesitation she parted them and let me in.
I felt the electric connection between us and I shifted on the step to move my body closer to hers, my fingers caressing the soft skin beneath her ears. I felt her melt into me, giving up a part of herself that had been off limits for longer than she probably remembered and then as soon as she did, abruptly she pulled away, staring into my eyes for a moment, shallow breaths causing her chest to rise and fall quickly.
“Kate?”
She pulled herself up quickly and I followed, holding onto her arm as she tried to turn and go back inside.
“I think we should get back to our guests,” she said, the fragility of her character only moments before now gone.
“Wait, what just happened here? Stop Kate. Speak to me.”
“I think only you can answer that question, Jonathan,” she said, her voice now hard, and even though her eyebrows were furrowed slightly she still looked as beautiful as the day I’d first met her at the hotel bar.
“You mean the kiss?” I asked, trying to think over what I’d done wrong. “I’m sorry, I just…”
“You can’t mess with my head like that,” she said, and her words cut through me like a knife. “This is real for me, it’s not a game, okay? I’m not one of those girls you absorb into your life and play with. This is serious. You can’t just reel me in and throw me out when you’re done! You can’t kiss me like that, Jonathan. You can’t make me feel like I mean something to you one minute and then push me away the next. No love and no feelings remember? So when you kiss me like that, you and I both know there’s more to it. You kissed me like I actually mattered, like you cared My life depends on this working Jonathan, if this fails, I don’t have another option.”
“I’m sorry about your job,” I whispered firmly. “Believe me when I say this, you won’t need to work again unless you want to. I’ve corrected that wrong. You’ll have everything Kate. How do you know what my kiss meant? How do you know I don’t care?”
She opened her mouth to say more, but the image of my mother in the doorway stopped her and she sighed, irritated, turning to her.
“Mrs. Davenport, it was a pleasure to meet you and I hope we can meet again soon.”
I watched my mother reach out and shake her hand.
“Of course dear, we’ll sort something out. I’ll have Helen arrange lunch soon.”
“Sounds lovely. I should go. I’m a little ill at the moment and…” she turned to me, an unspoken disappointment radiating from her to me. “Say goodbye to Jessica for me.”
We both watched her walk back into the house, and I let out a big sigh, annoyed with myself. Annoyed because I’d overstepped the line. We were together in a business deal and that was it, nothing more and nothing less. I was marrying her because my mother wasn’t going to make the year and I knew it would be the best send off for her to attend my wedding. I wanted her to go believing I was content and settled in myself. Kate needed me just as much as I needed her.
“Sorry about that,” I said to my mother, who watched me intently.
“I just want to know that you’re happy,” she whispered, taking my hand. “There’s nothing more I want right now than to know that you’re going to be okay.”
“I am. I promise. Look at me, I’m getting married.”
“But are you happy?”
I nodded, hating to lie and deceive her, but I knew how much it meant to her.
“Is this what you really want?”
I nodded again slowly.
“Then as long as you’re happy, I’m happy. Just make sure you understand the value of your fiancé. Forget about the other women from your past and put everything else behind you. Just focus on the both of you and treat her right, Jonathan. Marriage is long term, and I can see that woman in there cares about you. Don’t abuse that. Give her tonight, but make sure you fix whatever is going on here, otherwise the gap will just get bigger until you can’t fix it.”
We walked back inside the house, but her words were ingrained in my head and I couldn’t forget the image of Kate’s hurt eyes after I’d kissed her. I thought about the expression on her face of disappointment and confusion when I’d left her in the study.
Our needs, marriage, and entire relationship was supposed to be nothing but professional, though as I sat down beside Jessica and listened to her talk about her plans with Evan, I couldn’t stop thinking about Kate. The only thing I wanted to do above anything else was run up there, put my arms around her, and let her know that I was never going to hurt her again. I wanted to explain to her that the urge I had to kiss her wasn’t pretend. I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t know how to define it, but I knew for certain that I cared more than I should have. I wanted her to know that more than anything, but that would go against the wedding clause and I couldn’t risk the marriage. I needed it to happen more than I think she even knew.
All I could do was forget about the kiss and forget about anything that I thought I might be feeling.
It was going to be business as usual from now on, no matter how hard it was going to be to resist her.