I glanced over at Leah beside me on the blanket that we spread out in front of the house. The air was cool and refreshing after the hot day, which made it much easier to breathe.
The blistering heat had always bothered me, but today I think it was something else entirely.
I’d achieved something that I never thought I would.
I opened up to another person, and she opened up to me.
Leah had told me something personal about herself, something that had caused her pain, and still did for that matter.
Even though we were two very different people, from very different backgrounds, we shared something deep.
Pain.
The pain of losing people we cared about, and the guilt that came along with it.
“You did good today,” she said as she glanced up at the stars overhead.
“You think so?”
“Don’t you?”
“I guess.”
“Well, even if you’re not proud of yourself, I am.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” she said.
“What’s that?”
“You don’t like small talk much, do you?”
I chuckled at her question.
“Not particularly, no.”
“Why is that?”
“I believe important things need to be said, and the rest is just words to fill the silence,” I explained as I stared up at the blue velvet sky scattered with stars.
“But what classifies as important and what doesn’t?”
“Hearing about your day, your feelings, how people made you feel alive, what inspires you, what drives you. If it’s an important part of you, then it’s important. I don’t believe in saying something for the sole purpose of filling silences. Silences are often needed.”
She looked over at me and smiled.
“What?”
“So you weren't being rude, or anti-social when I first got here? You just had nothing to say to me?”
“Exactly.”
“I must be honest, I thought you were scary as hell the first time I saw you.”
“You were scared of me?” I asked.
It didn't surprise me.
People often mistook intimidating for scary, but nevertheless I wasn't offended that this was the first impression Leah had of me.
“Yeah, you scared the crap out of me that first day. You showed up out of the blue, a big muscular man covered in tattoos. You barely spoke five words to me and then you walked off into the sunset like something from an old Western movie. I was convinced I’d conjured you up in my mind and that I was going insane. I mean I’d already impulsively bought a ranch.”
“You thought I was an illusion?”
She laughed sheepishly.
“You weren’t driving a vehicle and the ranch is out here in the middle of nowhere. When you walk around, you never make a sound. So yeah, at first, I thought you were a sexy figment of my vivid imagination.”
“I wish I was that elusive.”
“Well, you were Special Forces,” she pointed out.
“True,” I answered. “Do you miss it sometimes?”
“Miss what?”
“Your life in the big city?”
She laughed at the idea.
“Sometimes I miss air-conditioning, cellphone reception, internet and of course vermin-free houses.”
“All that sounds amazing,” I replied.
“It was,” she replied. “And lifeless too.”
“Would you ever go back?”
There was a long pause.
When she didn’t answer right away, my heart stopped in my chest.
Is she already thinking of moving back?
The thought of losing her now was almost unbearable to me.
“No, I wouldn’t,” she finally replied.
“Why did it take you so long to answer then?” I asked.
“Because it’s not just a simple yes or no answer,” she said. “If I made a mess of this place, then I would have to. I’m not filthy rich. Eventually I’ll need to make a living somehow. Whether it’s here at the ranch or somewhere else.”
“You won’t make a mess of things here. You’re already thinking of ideas of how to make a go of it.”
“You have more confidence in me than you should,” she said.
“If there’s one person who can make this place the best it can be, it’s you.”
She sat up and gave me a big smile.
“What is it?”
“For a tough guy, you’re really sweet,” she said.
“Who told you I was a tough guy?”
“Well, wimps don’t get tattoos like you do, nor do they push me over the edge of the earth with a mere kiss, or a fingertip,” she said with a sexy wink in my direction.
“That’s true.”
“Why did you get all of the tattoos? And what do they mean?”
“For every person that I lost in the war, all my brothers-in-arms, I got a tattoo in honor of them.”
“All of them are from people in your unit that died?”
“Yes.”
She ran her fingers along my skin, following the lines of the tattoos as they flowed across my arms and my chest.
“It doesn't really look like they’re honoring anything to be honest,” she said.
“When we were in basic training, each of us had a song.”
“What kind of song?”
“Whenever things got tough, the song would carry us through whatever it was that wanted to pull us down.”
“Like a motivational song,” she said, getting the idea of it.
“Sam’s was Eye of the Tiger.”
“Hence the tiger,” she answered and pointed to the tiger on my right arm.
As she pointed to the different elements of my tattoos, I gave her the names of the guys in my unit, and she guessed the songs right a few times.
“What was your song?” she asked.
“I can’t tell you that,” I replied.
“Oh, come on. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone.”
I shook my head.
“I can’t sing it or even say the title out loud anymore. It brings up too many memories. I still have my song to sing and they don’t.”
She grew quiet and squeezed my thigh.
“I understand.”
“The song was one of my mom’s favorites too. I think that was one of the reasons why I chose it. It reminded me of her.”
“Is she still alive?”
“Alive and well in Austin, Texas. My dad didn’t want me to join the Army. We fought about it quite a bit. He couldn’t understand why I would want to ‘throw my life away’ as he put it.”
“What about your mom? Did she feel the same way?”
“If she did, she never said it. She never tried to push me into a pre-determined path. My dad never understood that I wanted to do something important in my life. To make a difference somehow.”
“And you did.”
“It sure doesn't feel that way.” I sighed and pushed myself into an upright position. “I guess that’s why I haven't been to visit them.”
“When was the last time you saw them?”
“It’s been a long time. I haven’t seen them since I returned from the Middle East. I was too screwed up when I first came back. Maybe I was afraid Dad would say, ‘told you so,’ or worse. I kept telling myself I would visit them when I got better. I guess I’m still waiting for that to happen.”
“How about the other guys in your unit? Have you seen any of them since you came back home?”
“I went to Mac’s wedding a couple of years ago. He was one of the guys from my unit.”
I didn’t mention the fact that Mac was one of the few who came back alive besides me.
“You went to a wedding?” she asked in surprise.
“Why does that surprise you? Is that weird?”
“A little. I can’t see you all dressed up at a wedding.”
“I was one of the groomsmen. I had to be there. For Mac. I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. He needed my support.”
“Did you wear a suit?” she asked.
“Of course,” I answered with a frown. “Everyone else was wearing one. I couldn’t get out of it. Believe me, I tried.”
“I would’ve loved to see that. I bet the women were crawling all over you. I know I would’ve been.”
“No, I kept a low profile. Big, fancy events aren’t my thing as you might’ve already figured out. I couldn’t wait to make my escape and get out of there.”
“Is he still married?” she asked.
“You mean my buddy, Mac?”
She nodded.
“It’s funny you should ask that. I heard that him and his wife split up after a year or so. He came back from Afghanistan with a bunch of baggage too. It was hard on his wife. She expected Mac to be the same, happy-go-lucky joker who was always goofing off and playing around when they were dating. He went through too much to come back the same way. She couldn’t handle his issues.”
“Their relationship might not have worked anyway,” she said. “People mature and change. No one is the same person at thirty as they were at eighteen.”
“That’s for damn sure,” I said. “I know I’m not.”
I stretched out my legs and pulled her closer to me.
“Are you serious about turning this place into a breathing place for broken people?” I asked.
“Absolutely, and I’d love for you to be my partner in this.”
“I’m just a caretaker here.”
“No, you’re much more than that.”
I hoped she realized how much her words meant to me even if I couldn’t express it.
I leaned in closer to her and touched her soft lips with mine.
There was nothing passionate or sexy about the kiss.
It was loving, pure and simple.
The exact way I’d imagined it would be when I fell in love for the first time and forever.