Chapter Twenty-Two

Elle

Over the next couple of weeks, I discovered several new things about this screwed up world. Time does not heal all wounds. Love is not a many splendor thing, and most of all, heartache hurts, really hurts. It’s not some stupid metaphor like I’d always assumed.

I spent my days in a numb, zombie state, not dead, but not really alive. Nana tried, but she could see in my eyes that it was hopeless.

Jeanna tried. More than once. Spending long afternoons up in my room with me. Telling me funny stories about her sisters. Offering to go shopping with me, if and when I ever got off being grounded. But still, nothing worked to rid me of this evil emptiness inside of me.

Even my mom tried. But I really wasn’t talking to her. So no, that wasn’t going to work.

Thankfully. After a week, Jimmy finally decided to talk to me. Well kind of. He asked me to pass the salt. I almost started crying right there at the dinner table. But we weren’t the same. Not really. He still got that betrayed look in his eyes every time I tried to explain. Then he’d huff and walk away before I could even get started.

My heart would turn over, I’d shake my head and push back the tears and return to my room. Alone, buried under a mountain of guilt.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t a hopeless basket case. I was able to make it through the day. I sort of kept my grades up, barely. But then what else did I have to do? I was sitting around in my room all the time avoiding the rest of my family. The least I could do was study. Or try to, anyway.

No, I wasn’t a complete wreck. I had enough pride not to become a blithering idiot. But I wasn’t right either.

And of course, there was always Nate to remind me of what had happened. Nate, the big, wonderfulness that was Nate seemed to haunt me. I’d see him in the hall and my insides would tighten up with fear. It was like coming face to face with a bear on a mountain path. There was nothing I could do and nothing would save me.

Every day, at some point, that sudden sharp pain would eat into me when I caught a glimpse of his dark hair or wide shoulders. If he turned, and those silvery blue eyes caught me. I was twisted into a dozen pieces.

There was a sadness about his eyes that pulled at my heart. He wasn’t happy either. I could see that. The thought didn’t make me feel better. We didn’t both have to be miserable, I thought.

Secretly, I watched him every chance I got. But only when he wasn’t aware. My pride couldn’t have taken it if he thought I was stalking him or something.

He always seemed to be alone. A solid stone tumbling through the school’s stream of life. There, but not a part of it. An object in a strange world, different, unique, un-ignorable.

Sure, girls approached him. Why wouldn’t they? This was Nate Clark we were talking about. Tall, dark and handsome, remember? With a hint of danger and a touch of class. Why wouldn’t the girls try? But he didn’t seem to pick up on their attempts to catch his attention. He’d get a faraway look in those delicious silvery blue eyes of his and forget what they were saying. Eventually, they got the message.

Guys saw him and stayed out of his way. He was like a bear with a wounded paw. The last thing they wanted to do was upset him.

This morass of pain and sorrow continued forever, it seemed. Until things started to change.

Jeanna and I were sitting together at lunch. Jimmy hadn’t joined us since the disaster. Two weeks of avoiding me.

Nate refused to eat in the cafeteria. So it was just the two of us in there, lost in a sea of students. It was like our world had disintegrated into just Jeanna and myself. I was reminded of her statement about how she would still be there long after Nate was gone.

She’d been right, but that didn’t mean I was grateful.

“You know,” Jeanna began.

I rolled my eyes. This was how she always began when she tried to cheer me up.

“You’re are almost there,” she continued.

My brow curled up in confusion.

She smiled. “You’ve almost made it through the five stages of grief. We just need to get you over the hump and into acceptance. Then you can go on with the rest of your life. And I can enjoy my lunch again.”

I stared at her. In fact, I’m pretty sure I glared at her. She completely ignored me and continued to push.

“You were in the denial stage for a while. That numbness you kept talking about.”

I shook my head, my friend didn’t have the kindness to shut up.

“Then there was the anger stage,” she continued as if my opinion didn’t matter. “There is still a bit of that of course, but you’ve put away your anger at Nate. Not your mom so much. But you’ve moved past your anger at Nate.”

“It’s not his fault,” I said. It really wasn’t. What could he do? My mom refused to let me see him. And the boy had too much honor to ever think about going behind her back. That wasn’t Nate. Besides, it was me, not him.

Jeanna looked at me for a long second and I was sure she was going to contradict me and I knew for a fact that it would lead to us having a huge fight. But she clamped her lips together and kept quiet for a minute.

“Then there was the bargaining phase. You did most of that internally.”

“How do you know what I did internally?” I snapped.

“What? You’re telling me that you didn’t plead to every god in the universe? You didn’t try to come up with some plan to make everyone happy? Some way for Jimmy to see the truth, your mom to love Nate, and hope beyond hope that he would fall all over himself begging you to take him back?”

I opened my mouth to set her straight but then realized she was right. I had done those things. At least internally.

She smiled slightly when she saw that she had made her point well enough for me to get it.

“And now,” she said with a sad smile. “You are in the depression phase. This one is lasting a little longer than the others. And I’ve got to tell you the truth. It is becoming a bit of a drag.”

I gasped. “You have no idea,” I said. “You don’t know what it feels like.”

Jeanna frowned and stared at her food for a moment as she slowly nodded her head. “You’re right,” she said. “I don’t know what it feels like to love someone that much. But I sure hope I do one day. My biggest fear is that I will go through life and never know that feeling.”

The sadness behind her eyes shocked me. I hadn’t expected her to say something like that.

“But,” she said with that cocky grin of hers. “I do know that you will get there eventually. I might want to kill you more than once along the way. But eventually, you will get there.”

My heart sank as I realized my friend was right. I would get there eventually. I had to. No one could live like this, wallowing in this much pain.

For the first time, I caught a hint of hope. A glimmer of a distant future where I didn’t feel this numb pain. A distant light, or at least the hint of a light.

I wasn’t there yet. But someday I would be. And the sooner I got there the better. And maybe there was something I could do to hurry it along.

Grabbing my tray, I stood up and turned for the door.

“Where are you going?” Jeanna asked, a concerned frown on her face. Obviously, she was worried that I hated her for her truth.

Giving her a weak smile, the first one in a month, I said, “I’ve got to go find Jimmy.”

“Why?” Jeanna asked. Her look of doubt let me know she still didn’t get it. “You’ve told him a dozen times what happened.”

“Yes,” I said. “But I never told him I was sorry. I never apologized. I was so wrapped up in me that I never thought about him.”

Jeanna slowly nodded as it began to sink in. Then she smiled and said, “yeah, that might work.”

I gave her another smile and headed to dump my tray. The sooner I got to the computer lab. The sooner I could start working to get to acceptance. If Jimmy forgave me. Then maybe, just maybe, I could turn that corner and start putting my life back together.