Chapter Twenty-One

Elle

My life was over. This must be what it was like to be told that you were about to die. An empty silence descended over me. Nothing existed but those wide shoulders walking away and out of my life.

I stood there in the hall. Long, slow tears, rolling down my cheek. Unable to move. Unable to come to grips with what had just happened. Nate had broken up with me. He’d walked away like I didn’t matter. Like we didn’t matter. How could he do this to me? To us.

Sniffling, I wiped at my cheeks and tried to think but nothing happened. A numbness held my body in place.

“Elle,” someone said. “Elle, what’s wrong?”

I had to shake my head a dozen times to clear it enough to see Jeanna standing there, her brow narrowed in concern.

“Nate,” I managed to say. “Nate …”

“What?” she demanded

“Nate … broke … up … with … me,” I said, each word punctuated by a sob.

“The bastard,” she said as she pulled me out of the rush of people and towards the girl's bathroom.

“No,” I said as it started to sink it. “No, it was my mom. It’s all her fault.”

“Your mom?” she asked as she wet some paper towels and handed them to me to wipe my face.

Taking a deep breath, I looked at myself in the mirror and didn’t even have enough emotions in me to care that I looked like a drowned raccoon. Taking the wet towels, I tried to wipe my eyes.

Jeanna watched me, her obvious concern the one thing I could hang on to.

“What happened?” she asked.

I ignored the dozen other girls in the bathroom and tried to tell her everything. Jimmy getting hurt. Me spilling the secret right in front of him. How he hated me now and my mom refused to let me see Nate anymore.

“And you’re going to listen to what she says?” Jeanna asked with disbelief.

“No,” I answered. “But when I told Nate, he agreed with my mother. He said we couldn’t be together anymore.” I had no sooner said the words aloud as the pain came rushing in to replace the numbness.

“Like I said, that bastard,” Jeanna said with a shake of her head. She’d never really liked Nate. Never understood him like I did. Never really accepted that a guy like him could like a girl like me. But then the sudden realization hit me. She was right. Obviously, Nate couldn’t like a girl like me. At the heart of the matter that was what it came down to. He hadn’t even let me explain.

He’d jumped at the opportunity to dump me by the side of the road. The first sign of any issue and he ran. One thing I knew for sure. Nate wasn’t a coward. So that meant the only reason to run was because he didn’t care enough to deal with the issue.

Gripping the side of the sink, I began to cry. That deep ugly cry. My heart was broken and would never again be whole.

Jeanna gently rubbed my back while she calmly waited for me to get it out of my system.

Finally, the tears slowed enough for me to say, “You need to get to class.”

She laughed, “It’s history. I was praying for an excuse to miss it. Once again, you’ve come through for me.”

I smiled weakly at her attempt to lessen my pain. “You’ll end up failing.”

She laughed and shook her head. “No way, I’ll just ask Jimmy to help me.”

Jimmy! Oh, how he hated me. And just like that, the tears returned full force.

“He’ll never forgive me,” I mumbled through ragged tears.

Jeanna shook her head. “The twerp will see the truth eventually. He’s not a complete idiot. But he is a boy. So it will take him longer to admit he was wrong.”

Unfortunately, it looked like Jeanna was wrong. Jimmy avoided me for the rest of the day. When he saw me in the hall, he turned and walked the other way. On the bus, he sat as far from me as it was humanly possible to be without sitting on the front bumper.

I was in major agony over Nate, and my brother was making it worse. Oh, how I wished he’d give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright. He’d figure out a way to make it right. Instead, he looked at me like I was a traitor.

Would my life ever be normal again? What if he hated me all year then went off to college next year and we never made up? What if this ruined our relationship? Two estranged siblings who barely talked. Passing into old age without ever reconnecting.

And one thing I knew for sure, I would be alone. Under no circumstances was I ever going through this again. Was this why my mom had never had a relationship? Was this the reason? For the first time in my life, I thought maybe my mom might be smarter than I thought.

My brain kept jumping between the loss of Nate and the loss of Jimmy. The two most important people in my life and I lost them at the same time. It wasn’t fair.

When we got off the bus I let Jimmy go ahead. Don’t push him, I told myself. Let him have his anger. Even if it wasn’t justified. Let him go through this and then perhaps we could come together on the other end.

The slamming of the front door in my face let me know that it was going to be a long time until we got to the other side.

Rushing upstairs I threw myself onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling while I tried to figure out how I could ever go on.

I was still in the same exact position a few hours later when Nana knocked on my door and let herself in.

“How are you doing?” she asked as she put a plate of food on my nightstand. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. The ultimate comfort food. All I could do was stare at the food then immediately start crying again. It seemed even toasted cheesy goodness could set me off.

Nana didn’t say anything as she sat down on the bed and pulled me into a tight hug.

“Oh Nana,” I sobbed into her shoulder.

She just hugged me until I was all cried out. Once the sobbing had receded, she got up and gave me a quick smile. “Eat something. It won’t make you feel any better, not really. Only time will do that. But make an old woman rest easier and try a little. Okay?”

I nodded. I’d try, for her. But the thought of ever eating again seemed so strange. How could I eat something when there were so much bigger issues in my life?

Nana gave me a last sad smile and left me alone.

Sighing, I returned to staring up at the ceiling and didn’t move. The room grew dark but still, I didn’t move. The numbness had returned.