Chapter 22
Calida
It had been a strange week. Malcolm had left for a business trip, one he didn’t tell me about until he was already gone. He’d said it was last minute. Ever since he witnessed my panic attack, he’d been backing off. He was running, and why wouldn’t he? I’m sure he wasn’t prepared to see me freak out like that.
The door opened. “Good morning, Calida.”
“Good morning, Dr. Carr.”
I stood, grabbed my purse, and then walked into her office. I woke up feeling uneasy about this session. She knew I was having the attacks again, so I knew she’d bring up going back on the meds at some point. The moment I sat, my knee started to bounce.
“Nervous?”
“No.”
“Okay. What would you like to discuss today?”
I shrugged. “Not much has happened. Dorian is still living with me. I think she enjoys the rent-free aspect and isn’t making a real effort to move. And Malcolm closed on his house. He wants me to decorate it for when I move in with him.”
She took a few notes before asking her question. “How do you feel about that?”
“Which part?”
She smiled. “Whichever you want to talk about first.”
I twirled the ring around my finger. I wasn’t sure how I felt about Malcolm right now. He looked so worried that day, just as he had when he’d seen me in the hospital—both times. I didn’t like worrying him. I was adding unnecessary stress to his life, which was why I tried to avoid the whole relationship thing.
The words I’d said to him about us replayed in my mind. I ran my hands down my face and let out a small groan. I’d spent the week hurt and a little pissed that he’d pulled away, thinking he was ready to run after getting a glimpse of how broken I still was, after everything he’d proclaimed. But now I was thinking that had nothing to do with it.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing. Everything. I’m just better off leaving Shawn as the only male in my life. Well, other than my dad.”
“Why would you say that?”
I dropped my head into my hands, guilt slamming into me like a Mac truck. Oh god, the look on his face when I compared him to Seth. “I told Malcolm the truth.”
“The truth about what?”
“About…” I stopped to let out a slow exhale. “Remember how I said I felt like he ambushed me into this relationship? Well, I told him that.”
“And that’s a bad thing?”
“Yes! It’s a very bad thing. He wasn’t supposed to know that.”
She frowned. “If that’s how you feel, then he does need to know.”
“No! No he doesn’t. He’s supposed to know that I agreed to this, and that...that...he wasn’t supposed to know.”
“Why does him knowing the truth upset you so much? Don’t you think things would be easier if you both were on the same page as you navigate this relationship?”
I got up to pace. “This is not how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to figure out a way to end things without him being hurt in the process.”
Scratching of pen against paper. “You entered into a relationship you don’t want, and from our talks, it seems you’ve been putting all your energy into finding a way out. Being dishonest to yourself and him does neither of you any favors.”
I looked up at the graying sky. Rain was expected later, and I hoped it would hold off until after Macy and I finished shopping. Malcolm asked me to finish picking out some of the key pieces while he was gone. Now I was wondering if I should bother. Would he really want to live in a house decorated by me for a future I didn’t think was going to happen?
“Calida?”
I turned back to face Dr. Carr.
“What scares you the most?”
“What do you mean?”
“About being in a relationship. Have you stopped to really think about what is at the core of your fear?”
“There’s nothing to think about. I was married to…I was in love with a man that kidnapped, tortured, and killed women for sport. He was planning on making me watch as he killed my best friend because I left him.”
“Do you think every man out there is going to be like him?”
“No, of course not. But…”
“Yes?”
“I didn’t know. I can’t be trusted. Looking back now, Seth gave me all kinds of warnings that I willingly ignored. I became his willing victim.”
“For survival.”
“Maybe. Or maybe that’s the lie I tell myself to hide the truth. I loved him. Even at the end. What kind of person does that make me?”
I wrapped my arms around my body. The first raindrops pelted the windows of her office.
“It makes you human. The heart is a great mystery, and is often known for doing the exact opposite of what you want.”
“Speaking from experience, doctor?” I asked, walking over to retake my seat.
She smiled, and pushed her glasses up. “I think most people have some experience with that.”
“Some more than others.”
“Very true.” She paused, taking a look at her notes. “What is your fear, Calida? Your real fear? You need to think about that. That’s our time for now.” She closed her notebook. “Remember, honesty is key. With yourself as well as with Malcolm.”
I nodded, grabbing my purse as I stood. “See you next week.”
∞∞∞
Mitch greeted me with a warm smile and a welcoming hug when he opened the door. “Lee, how are ya?”
“Good. No patients today?”
“No. Macy hasn’t been feeling well so I took off to be here for her and help with London.”
“What? If she’s sick why am I even taking her anywhere?”
He gave me a weird smile. “It’s nothing serious and she wants out of the house. You want something to drink?”
“No, I’m good.”
I followed him into the living area that now looked more like a toy store. London sat in her jumper, bouncing and happily gnawing on a plastic teether. She got excited when she saw us walk in the room, and reached her arms up, begging to be held. I complied, freeing the chubby little girl from the device.
“How are you today, Princess Pea?”
She responded by trying to shove the slobby teether she had into my mouth.
“She is absolutely spoiled rotten,” Mitch answered for her. “Solely her mother’s doing.”
“Lies!” I turned to see Macy smiling at Mitch. “Half this crap is stuff you came home with because she “needed” it.”
He laughed, walking over to give Macy an affectionate kiss. “What can I say, I can’t deny her any more than I can deny her mother.”
“Then we are really in trouble when she can start asking for stuff.”
He smiled then placed his hand on Macy’s stomach. “Then I better hope this one is a boy.”
“What! Seriously!” I ran over to give my friend a huge hug. London took that opportunity to transfer herself from me to her mother.
“Yep, this little one is getting an upgrade from only child to big sister.”
“Oh my god, congrats!” I leaned over and gave Mitch a quick squeeze.
“Thanks, we’re pretty excited. Happened a lot faster this time than with London.”
“I know. I was hoping to try for longer.” Mitch winked at his wife, and she rolled her eyes in response.
“Anyway, morning sickness has been a bitch. I didn’t have this last time.”
“Oh damn, sorry. If you aren’t feeling well, then I can go by myself today.”
“What? No. Me miss out on an opportunity to pick out as much pink as I can for Malcolm? Not happening.”
“Baby, don’t do that man like that.”
“Whatever, it’s what he gets leaving everything up to Lee. It’s not even her damn house.”
Mitch threw his hands up in surrender. “You two have fun.” He pried London away from Macy. “I have a fun-filled day of my own.” Macy gave them both kisses, and I waved bye to them.
Checking the backup camera, I started to ease out of her driveway. “Does Malcolm know? Because if he did, and didn’t tell me I’m kicking his ass for keeping it from me.”
“I’m sure he needs his ass kicked for one reason or another, but no, he doesn’t know. You’re actually the first person we’ve told.”
“Aww, I feel special.”
“You are. So, what are we picking out for my slacker brother? I can’t believe he has you doing this.”
I cut my eyes over at her, shrugging in the process. “Um, master bedroom, dining, and kitchen set. And it’s not a big deal. He said it was the perks of dating an interior designer.”
“Sounds like some shit he’d say. I find it awful convenient that he’s having to go out of town on business now. He hasn’t traveled in months.”
She looked over at me as if I had some sort of insight about his sudden trip. I did, well, at least I had a strong suspicion as to why, but I wasn’t going to tell her. I knew Macy would find some way to blame Malcolm, and I didn’t want that.
“Things happen. Besides, he shops like you, so it’s probably best he’s not here.” I looked over at her and laughed. “Then again, I asked you to come, so I probably shot myself in the foot with that one.”
“Ouch. I think that was some sort of veiled put down. And this will be quick. We’ll just pick out the ugliest options available.”
“Not veiled at all. It took that man forever to pick out a couch. It was like shoe shopping with you. Remember, I have to look at this stuff too, so do you for that matter.”
She sat back, crossing her arms and pouting. “Fine, but we have to at least get him really frilly throw pillows or something.”
I laughed again before agreeing.