Chapter 57
Calida
“How are you today, Calida?”
Dr. Carr adjusted her glasses on her face. Her braided, black hair was pulled up in a simple bun. She always looked so neat and pulled together.
“I’m well. I think.”
She cocked her head to the side. “That’s an unusual answer. What’s going on?”
I sat back against the chair and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “You ever have buyer’s remorse?”
“Yes. I think it’s natural when you make some big purchase, especially if it’s not a need.”
I gave an absent-minded nod. “I did something, but I’m not so sure it was the right decision.”
“Is this something you want to talk through?”
“I told Malcolm I’d move in with him. Officially. I’d been staying with him, but knew I had an out as it were.”
“That’s a big step.”
I nodded again, shifting in my seat. “He’d said something that upset me, and I left, ran away from him. You’ll be proud of me…I went back so we could talk it through. Anyway, by the end of it, I said I’d move in.”
Since telling Malcolm I’d move in with him, I couldn’t shake the nagging, anxious, unsettled tingle in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to think I regretted it, but at the same time something kept me from being a hundred percent happy about it.
“Not running away from him and talking through your feelings is a positive step. If that’s what you wanted to do.”
“Huh? Oh...no, well, I mean yes. He wanted me to stay, asked me to, but ultimately he let me leave. I got down the street and turned back. He wanted me to stay, but he didn’t force me.”
Dr. Carr smiled and nodded. “Good. So, you stayed, talked, and ended up agreeing to move in with him. Had he asked before?”
“Not directly, but he made it no secret that the house was for us. For the life he wants to have with me.”
I held my tongue on the other part of what he wanted. Marriage. Malcolm wasn’t pressuring in his desires, but he wasn’t secretive about them either. Knowing what he wanted out of this relationship remained in the back of my mind at all times.
“Okay, so the decision to live together was your choice?”
I nodded.
“But now you regret that choice?”
“Regret sounds so negative. I like being there with him. I like the house way more than the place I shared with Seth. It fits me and my personality better. Something has just felt different since agreeing. I don’t know what, or why, but it’s there.” I got up from the chair to walk around. “It doesn’t make sense. I’m not making any sense.”
“Have you talked to Malcolm about how you feel?”
I turned to look at her. “Hell no. You’d think he’d just won the lottery or something when I told him. He was so damned happy. If he knew I was having second thoughts—nope, that’s what I pay you for. To fix it so I can go home and be happy.”
Dr. Carr shook her head and gave a small laugh. “I don’t fix anything. Now, if you need to talk through points to get to the root of the discourse, then I’m all ears.” She put her notepad down and sat forward in her chair. “When you think of living full time with Malcolm what’s the first thought that comes to mind?
“Fear.”
“And what are you afraid of?”
“I guess the easy answer would be my history. Clearly living with a guy hasn’t worked out in the past.”
“However, the easy answer isn’t the answer,” she probed.
It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Logically, I knew Malcolm was different and I didn’t have the same worries.
“No, it’s more about me and why I said it. I fear it was a knee-jerk reaction. We’d been fighting. I don’t...I can’t be sure I did it because it’s what I really want or to make up for my behavior.”
I retook my seat while I waited to see what analytical comment came from Dr. Carr. She didn’t speak right away while she made a few notes.
“What behavior were you making up for?”
“Running away when I got upset.”
“Was that part of the disagreement?”
“Not directly. He made this comment about thinking we were past that being my go-to reaction. So, I knew he was disappointed in me.”
“Is that what he said?”
“In so many words.”
She looked at me, waiting for me to really think about my answer. Something she did when I gave one that she felt needed more consideration.
“Did you agree to move in during the heat of the argument?” she asked, moving on from that question.
I shook my head.
“All right. Did you have any lingering feelings of guilt when you said it?”
Again, I shook my head.
“If you didn’t agree to live with him during the heat of the disagreement, nor did you have lingering feelings of guilt because of your earlier actions, why would you think you agreed just to appease Malcolm?”
“Because it’s what I do. I want people to be happy. To be happy with me, and I’m more willing to bend and compromise to achieve that. Look at my relationship with Dorian. When push came to shove, I caved, I not only got her a job, but I let her live with me instead of forcing her to stick with her original plan of living with our parents. That’s for a person that barely likes me on a good day, so...yeah.”
“Sounds like the easy answer was the correct answer after all.”
“How so?”
“You said the easy answer would be your history, and the explanation you just gave was all directly related to your past and somewhat current actions. When we’ve talked about your past relationships, while the two are extremely different, the common thread is the fact you compromised what you wanted and needed in favor of them. Are you afraid of doing that again by living with Malcolm?”
That final question was still on my mind when I drove from Dr. Carr’s office to see Mitch. The tattoo removal was another one of those things I’d brought up on impulse that might be more for Mal’s sake than mine. He’d not said anything about it again, but he couldn’t enjoy seeing some other man’s initials every time he looked at me from behind. I ran my fingers along the center of my back. Or maybe his eyes only focused on the ugly scar. Either way, both would be gone soon enough.
The consult with Mitch had been promising. It was a little weird being shirtless around him, and the conversation about how I got the scar made it all the more uncomfortable. I’d been thankful he didn’t ask for any additional details after I’d told him Seth had caused it. Mitch was positive he could take care of them and I’d made an appointment to see him the following week.
I rounded the corner heading toward my house. Last night, Mal asked when I was ready to start the official move. I’d said whenever, but I wasn’t completely ready for it to be the very next day thanks to my lingering doubts. He’d thought it made sense seeing as how my parents would already have Shawn. It’d already been a few days since I’d agreed to move in, and putting it off for too long could have made him suspicious about my second guessing, so I went with his suggestion.
The gate to my house came to life after I hit the button. Malcolm had beat me here and stood leaning up against his car. I’d given him the code to the gate and the garage so he could have gone inside. He walked over to open my door after I’d parked.
He shut the door before giving me a quick kiss. “Hey.”
“Hey yourself. Why are you waiting out here?”
He simply shrugged. I headed toward the front door with him following behind. As I reached out to unlock the door, a roiling of nerves came over me. I paused. Things were getting real. Unlocking this door meant the end of my old life. Unlocking this door meant I was all in, and there was no turning back. No safety net or escape option.
I jumped at the contact of Mal’s hands on my hips.
“Everything okay?”
I glanced over my shoulder at him and nodded. “Yeah.”
The door opened with a soft whoosh. It’d been two weeks, but it felt like a lifetime ago. This place wasn’t home. I’d never gotten the same welcoming feeling walking into this house.
Malcolm stepped in front of me. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.” I put my hand on his chest. He had the instant reaction to reach up and cover mine with his own. I wanted this. I wanted to be with him. I just had to stop overthinking it.
“Doesn’t look like nothing. It seems like there’s something on your mind.”
“It’s nothing, not really.”
“Not really?”
I rested my head against his chest. I thought back to my session with Dr. Carr. Malcolm wrapped his arms around me. My safe place.
“What’s wrong?”
I shrugged.
“Are you having second thoughts?”
I slid my arms up around his neck. “Not exactly.”
“O…kay”
“It’s not about not wanting to be with you. This is a total me thing.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
I shook my head and pulled away. “We have packing to do.”
“Ginger.”
“I’m good, really. Did you get boxes?”
“Yeah, I did. I’ll go grab them.”