Chapter 43
Calida
“How was your week?” Dr. Carr asked.
I repositioned myself in the leather club chair and shrugged. “Okay I guess.”
She pushed her purple rimmed glasses up on her nose as she sat back, crossing her legs. “That’s an interesting way to answer.”
“Not really.”
“Why do you ‘guess’ it was okay?”
I thought about everything that happened since I was here last. That now seemed like a lifetime ago. How could so much happen in a week’s time?
“A lot’s happened since I was here last week.”
“Anything you want to talk about?”
I got up and walked to the window. A chill ran through me. I crossed my arms, using my hands in an attempt to warm up. There were a few topics I could choose.
Having sex with Malcolm came to mind first, followed closely by the disastrous encounter the night of our date. Things had been off with him since then, at least in my mind. We’d talked and everything, but something remained…different. Then there was Macy and how upset she’d been to find out about the panic attacks. Even though she didn’t say anything, I could tell she’d been hurt I’d not confided in her before. She’d suffered enough in her own right, I hadn’t wanted to add to that.
I turned back. Dr. Carr sat patiently waiting on me to answer. “I told Macy about my panic attacks.”
“She wasn’t aware of them before?”
I shook my head as I returned to my seat. “They happened mostly at home when I was alone. Besides, telling her would have just been an unnecessary burden she didn’t need.”
She jotted down a few notes. “I see. How did it feel sharing that with her?”
I shrugged. “Not as hard as I thought it would be.”
“That’s a good thing. Can I ask why you opened up to Macy? Since you’d hidden them from her, what changed that made you want to let her in?”
I shifted in the chair, looking down at my hands, then clasped them together in my lap. My thumb ran across the smooth surface of my ring. “I had a breakdown in front of Malcolm, so the cat was out of the bag, so to speak. I didn’t think he’d say anything, but I got mad at myself for letting him see me like that. Anyway, things were tense with us. Mix in dinner at Macy’s, she picked up on it, and got on Mal’s case. And you know how I feel about causing rifts, so I let her know. I didn’t want her to keep thinking Mal was doing something wrong when he wasn’t.”
She made more notes. “There are a few things I’d like to go deeper on. If I’m understanding you correctly, you opened up to Macy more for Malcolm than for yourself.”
I frowned. “No, that’s not...if I didn’t want her to know, then I wouldn’t have said anything. I managed to keep it hidden for years. My relationship with Malcolm is complicated enough. I don’t want or need them butting heads over me. Macy can be a lot. I know this. It’s how she is. Sometimes, boundaries aren’t really her thing. Add me and her brother in, and she wants to be right in the middle.”
“Okay, so telling her was your way of playing peace-keeper?”
“Yeah, maybe a little. And it helped. I mean it was good to let her know, to not hide that from her. On top of that, she agreed to stop giving him a hard time about me. Two birds, one stone. I thought you’d be happy I talked to someone. Progress and all.”
“Your therapy isn’t about making me happy, Calida. If you feel good about your decision and opening up to your friend, no matter the reason behind it, then that is a step in the right direction.” She paused to look back at some of her notes. “Speaking of progress, you had a major breakthrough last session. If you’re up to it, I’d like to talk about some of those things.
I let out a breath, remembering my breakdown last week. All the topics I’d danced around before I’d dumped them on her lap in one heap. “What do you want to tackle first?”
“That’s up to you, Calida. Do you remember everything you said last week?”
I shook my head. Much of last week remained a blur. While I know I blurted out a lot, I couldn’t say for sure what all I talked about.
Dr. Carr flipped through her notebook. “Let’s talk about Shawn.”
I shook my head. Shawn was off limits. “I’m a good mother. I love my little boy.”
“No one is questioning that.”
“Then why would you bring him up?”
“Because last week you made an interesting comment. You said now Malcolm knows, and you don’t want Shawn to be treated differently because of it.” She paused.
I shifted in my chair. “It was nothing. An unfounded fear.”
“You talked to Malcolm about this fear and worked out whatever it was?” The way she put emphasis on it wasn’t missed on me.
I sat back and crossed my arms in front of my chest. My knee began to bounce. “Not exactly. We’ve talked about a lot of topics over the last week, but my worries about Shawn were put to rest.”
Dr. Carr placed her notebook on the side table then sat back in her chair. She took off her glasses and pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment before putting them back on. “Remember when I asked you to really think about what you were afraid of?”
I thought back, trying to recall that particular session. I started nodding as the memories returned. It was at the tail end of my emergency session.
“Did you ever identify that fear?”
I sat forward, with my elbows resting on my knees. The palms of my hand massaged my forehead. I nodded again. “Um…” I sat up to look at her. “Yeah, maybe.”
She cocked her head to the side. “Maybe?”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Ninety-nine percent of the time I felt like a fraud. Like I said, they wanted me better, so that’s what I showed. So...I...I guess my biggest fear was having someone see through the facade. I feared...I fear being vulnerable.”
“What does that word mean to you?”
I sat back, pulling my knees to my chest. “Being weak, incapable of taking care of myself. All the stuff I said last week...I thought if they knew it’d be more pity, and disappointment.”
“You keep saying ‘they.’ Who is they exactly?”
I shrugged. “My parents. Macy.” I looked at the ring on my finger. I thought about what he’d said when he gave it to me. The promises he’d made. “Malcolm. Him more than anyone, actually. He went into this thing with me under false pretenses. Thinking I was a different person. A better person. A stronger person than I actually am.”
“And now?”
I looked up at her. “Huh?”
“Does Malcolm know differently now? Have you allowed him to see the person you consider to be the real you?”
I gave a curt laugh and nodded. “Yeah. Not intentionally, but yeah he knows.”
“So, you’ve showed him your vulnerability.”
I nodded.
“And how did he react? Was he disappointed in the real you?”
I shook my head. “He was upset that I felt like I had to hide things.”
“That’s understandable. You have a good support system, Calida. You need to utilize them.”
“You sound like him.”
She smiled. “It takes a strong person to let others see you at your lowest.”
“I guess, but it doesn’t feel that way.”
“It never does.”