Twenty

Misha

After starting my trip up in Auckland and enjoying all the sights and guilty pleasures the modern urban arena offered, I made my way south to take in all the great surfing spots this time of year. After about eight days stopping and starting I decided to rent an RV, or a campervan as they referred to it in these parts. I figured it would be simpler, not to mention cheaper to pay rental slot fees to camp for the night rather than finding and paying for hotels up and down the coast of New Zealand.

That’s how I ended up in Kaikoura on my way to Christchurch, taking advantage of plenty of early morning surfing to clear my head. And to sooth the nonstop ache in my heart. It had taken nearly a week after the plane touched down before I could watch Ethan’s interview with Samantha Stevens, but it was still painful. He’d done fantastic, as I knew he would, and my heart lurched a little at his coy answer to the question about finding love.

I guessed for once the rumors were true.

I wanted to believe that I was that new love and that it was the real thing, but, how could I? I hadn’t heard from Ethan in almost two weeks aside from one missed call, which was probably to thank me for my words of encouragement before his final interview. Or maybe it was just an overall thank you for helping him get his life back. Maybe it was just a thank you for all the awesome orgasms. Either way that was almost fourteen days ago.

Not that I was counting or anything.

Because I wasn’t.

In fact, I was sitting on a blanket on the beach in Kaikoura, eating my emotions. Okay it was fried fish and shrimp with a boat load of fries and a gigantic soda, but the food was soothing my feelings so it felt like the same thing. Watching late day surfers kept my mind occupied enough that nearly an hour had gone by without thoughts of a certain man with eyes the color of the farthest part of sea. Despite how lacking in skill they were, I was grateful for the distraction.

Distraction had been the name of the game since I’d arrived and I took advantage of all the things this great island had to offer, including a solitary day spent fishing and many mornings spent surfing. I’d heard rumors about places where, at the right time, you could see the curve of the earth and I was hoping the view of the stars would be plenty of distraction, as well. I could use that kind of magic in my life right now.

I also had several weeks free, which should give me plenty of time to get my head on straight. I’d made progress, though. Plenty if you asked me. By the time I pulled into Kaikoura I only thought about him at night, when I was alone and the world was quiet and my mind had nothing else to do. But sleep. And dream. About him.

During my waking hours, I tried my damnedest to figure how—and when—I’d fallen in love with the man. We were so different and we shouldn’t have worked out beyond our professional relationship. He’d dedicated his life to living clean and healthy while I ate all kinds of fast, processed foods, drank sugary sodas laden with chemicals and I even occasionally smoked pot. I should feel good that we never turned to anything significant because eventually those little differences would have turned our love to hate. “Good thing he doesn’t love me then, isn’t it?”

I stood when it became clear that even the ocean couldn’t soothe me today. I didn’t feel like spending the day cooped up inside the camper so I walked around for a bit, exploring the small town and enjoying being part of the throng of tourists, eager to see the sights. Families headed toward a wooden kiosk that sat at the edge of the beach and when I saw the sign I grinned. Whale watching!

It was the perfect way to spend the afternoon without thinking too much about a certain dark-haired man with sapphire eyes.

***

Whale watching had been so breathtaking that I decided to do the dolphins next. First, we watched them for a long time until they began to interact with the people on the boat. They showed off, dancing and twirling in perfect rhythm. When the time came to slip into the water and swim with the dolphins, I felt as though my life had reached a turning point. Something about floating in the sea while one of the smartest creatures in the world wormed his little way into my heart.

It was hard to feel anything but hopeful with a dolphin nudging your hand with his nose. I laughed and laughed, swimming in circles as he followed me and my heart felt lighter and freer than it had in days. Weeks, even.

I felt so good that when I stopped by the curry house for dinner, I added a salad on the side. I even ate it. Tearfully. It was pathetic but I’d gotten some vegetables and I knew someone would be happy about that. Someone I refused to think about while I ate my curry under the stars. Okay not under the stars quite yet, but the sun was sinking behind the horizon fast and the stars would be out soon.

One of my favorite things to do each night was count the stars as they appeared in the sky, one by one, until the number grew too large or I fell asleep on my sleeping bag on top of the camper. Whichever came first.

Tonight though, sleep wouldn’t come. The stars, while beautiful, did nothing to slow down my racing thoughts or unclench my fractured heart. All the beauty did was make me realize how much I wished Ethan was beside me, sharing this magical moment.

My cell chirped beside my pillow and I reached for it instinctively, knowing it wouldn’t be Ethan but hoping it was. “Hello?”

There was a pause and then a deep, tentative voice. “Misha?”

Ethan. My heart raced at just those two syllables, his deep voice like a welcome home even though I knew that wasn’t what this call was about. “Hi Ethan.” I held my breath and waited for whatever he had to say, my heart hungry for any bit of him I could have. Eyes closed, I waited for him to speak.

“How are you?”

I let out a rush of air at his innocuous question. “Not too great, Ethan. How are you?”

“Terrible.”

Instantly I grinned at his honest answer. “Sorry.”

“No you’re not, and I’m damn glad about it.”

I didn’t know what that meant but it sounded like one of those sexy things a guy said to a woman when he couldn’t say how he felt. But this didn’t sound like one of those calls. “I don’t want you to feel terrible.” I wanted him to feel happy and loved, even if it wasn’t because of me.

“Then tell me where you are.”

What? “Why do you need to know that?”

“Because I want to stop feeling terrible, Misha.”

I grunted my frustration at his vague words. “Ethan,” I said in warning.

“Where are you, sweetheart?”

Not that it mattered. If by some stretch of the imagination he decided to come, I would be long gone from here by the time he arrived. “New Zealand.”

When he spoke again, I could hear the smile in his voice and I closed my eyes and saw that sexy smirk he frequently wore. “Any place in particular?”

“At the moment I’m lying on top of a camper looking at the stars.” That was pretty specific, right? I smiled, hearing the harsh uneven breath he let out.

“I wish I was there with you.”

I squeezed my eyes closed and told my silly little heart to shut up and stop the hope trying to bloom in my chest. He probably wanted to apologize. Or thank me. In person. Nothing else. “I imagine it’s back to work for you so I’ll let you get back to…whatever you were doing.”

“You still haven’t told me where you are, Misha.”

“I’m near Christchurch. Good night.” I regretted hanging up the moment I clenched the phone against my chest, trying in vain to even out my breathing. Just hearing his voice set me back nearly a week. At this rate I would be old and gray by the time I got over my feelings for Ethan Mahoney. Damn him.

Tears welled in my eyes but even blurry, the stars were the most magnificent sight I’d ever seen. Better than a Hawaiian sunset. A Tahitian sunrise. Smiling blue eyes. Honestly, nothing was better than that but the starry sky came pretty close to second. I didn’t know if it was the grandeur of the view or hearing Ethan’s voice again, hearing him sound as affected by our distance as I was, but hot tears trekked down my cheek for the next hour. No crying or sobbing, just tears making it hard to enjoy the beauty of each individual star in the sky.

The tears were definitely because of Ethan.