chapter ten
Things I would tell my fifteen-year-old self now that I’m grown:
“Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and never let the bullies win.” Janna
~Tempest~
I don’t know why waiting in the school office still makes me so nervous. I mean really, I’m thirty-six-years-old, the office should not bother me. Especially this school. I volunteer here every chance I can. I also hold a spot on the board since Haven’s Harbor created the school. It was my way to allow the children of the battered women to have an education, meet state requirements, but do so under the radar. It also means I was able to make security requirements so that I can work and know all the students of the school are safe here.
Arika comes in the door with Mrs. Starling on her heels. “Let’s go to the conference room,” she instructs.
I stand and follow them still not sure what to say.
“Thank you, Mrs. Adams for meeting with me.” She greets softly. “Arika spoke with me today that she will do the project after having a conversation with you.”
I look at my daughter and I see the pain in her eyes. “We’ve been going through some things in our personal lives, Mrs. Starling.”
“I just don’t understand why she took things so far.” Mrs. Starling starts to explain herself.
As I get ready to respond Arika is the one to speak. “History, it keeps repeating itself. Hate breeds hate. Why can’t we do a project where we aren’t asked to take ourselves to a dark place in history and mentally repeat repression? Why can we not have a project about the lessons we have learned from history that make my generation and the next want to do better? People protest for all sorts of things from equality in marriage to legalizing marijuana. I organized a protest – a peaceful one at that – seeking a change and a chance to be heard.”
Arika blows out a breath. It’s amazing to see her so passionate about something. I know this isn’t a moment I should probably be proud of, but I am. She is standing up for herself and not simply falling in line.
“Isn’t the point of the project to put ourselves in the mindset of those individuals who made changes in history? Didn’t they just want to be heard? Recognized? Seen? Understood? Martin Luther King, Jr, he had a dream. Hate took him out before he could see his dream come to life. While things are far from perfect, there have been steps in the right direction for equal rights. He just needed a platform to be heard, to strike a change. You asked me to journal all these time periods so I could feel what these people did as they faced their unique challenges. But Mrs. Starling, you never listened. The protest was called, ‘Break the Chains’. It was my voice, my moment to say let the past not hold anyone back. Don’t allow yourself to go into a mindset of hate by feeling their oppression. Instead, celebrate their accomplishments by breaking the chains of the past. Rather than go back in time, stay in the present and be thankful for the things we have today because of their risks, their sacrifices.”
I sit beside my teenage daughter, enthralled. One day this girl is going to be a powerhouse of a woman. She is going to change the world.
“I turned in a report, my version, but you didn’t read it. You refused to listen. You boxed me in. I had to do your project your way. If you had read my report you would know I took history decade by decade and not only named, but described in detail a person of influence. I also took my project a step further and wrote what my generation could do to impact the future. I broke the chains of the past to give you my ideal future. One where sex, race, sexual orientation, religion, social-economic status, jobs, homes, cars, none of it holds anyone back. No, we find a world where people are people and we look to lift each other up instead of instantly finding a reason to tear someone down.”
Mrs. Starling opens her mouth and closes it but doesn’t speak.
Arika reaches in her backpack and pulls out a folder. She slides it to Mrs. Starling.
“Here is the report you gave me a zero on without reading it. Here is the petition the student body signed, along with a statement from each student about the chain link they would break to make our future a brighter place if they could. There are five-hundred-sixty-four signatures. You will find five-hundred-sixty-four chains ready to be broken.”
“Arika, while this is powerful, you still didn’t follow the directions.”
I snap. “Mrs. Starling, you can stop your power trippin’ pissy shit right now! If these people in history that you wanted Arika to study had simply followed everyone in life there would be no change. They took a chance and so did Arika. Your project was to give empathy to these students for what people of the past experienced. Arika has done so and she has done so without some dark cloud about how wrong things have been, but rather with empowerment to see her future and have hope she can be the change she wants to see in the world.”
I stand up and look at Arika. “Come on, honey.”
“She still has another day of In-School-Suspension, but I will read the report and grade it.”
“Don’t bother. She’s not having another day of suspension. Shame on you for not reading the report before reacting. Her protest, while possibly disruptive, was a peaceful one. Instead of giving her a platform and a voice, you stifled her. Arika has been raised to be a leader not a follower. In this moment, I couldn’t be more proud of the young lady she is growing into. As for you, you can stick it. You wanna push the issue, I’ll see you at the board meeting.”
“I thought you would see her defiance.”
I swallow back my emotions. “I’m a proud woman. I’m a strong woman. But I am not so into myself, I can’t admit when I’m wrong.” I turn to face Arika. “I am sorry I didn’t give you a platform at home to explain yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to see your side as equally as I did the school’s. I was wrong. I am wrong, Arika. I have held you back instead of encouraging you to go forward. I love you, my daughter. I am so very proud of you and the statement you have made.”
Arika has tears falling down her face as do I when she embraces me. “I learned from the best, Mom. I learned from you.”
Every little thing, every emotion, every up and every down, every single thing doesn’t touch the wholeness I feel as her mother with her in my arms. I have messed up more times than I can count, but dammit I’ve gotten some of it right too.
“I love you, Arika Haven Adams, more than life itself.”
“I know, Mom. Can we go home now?”
I blow out a breath. After last night, I have peace. This is a moment in life I will hold onto to get me through the rough days. No matter how much I mess up, my example to her is a woman of strength, courage, and not backing down.