Shelley
“Shelley, Theo. How wonderful. Come, come, take a seat.” Rav seemed thoroughly overexcited this evening.
“Hey, Rav. You’re jolly. Have you had too many energy drinks again? Been drinking on an evil guy’s life force?”
“No. It’s just tonight has been very quiet apart from one irritating customer and you two are just the entertainment I need. I mean your first date.” Rav mimed throwing food. “It was hilarious. Theo, if you had been allergic to garlic you would have just burned right here in the restaurant. People would have thought it was like a fire-eater act gone wrong. So I can’t wait to see what tonight brings.”
“We’re married now, Rav. I’m sure we’re unlikely to provide the same level of entertainment.”
Rav sighed. “True, Shelley. Most married couples say nothing at all and just stare into space. They sigh a lot, eat, and then get the bill. Now you have spoiled my evening. Sit wherever you like. I shall still however get you some complimentary poppadoms.”
Taking a seat, I raised an eyebrow at my husband. “We need to get Rav a wife, Theo. I’m surprised he left the agency’s books.”
“His mother wishes to sort out his wife, and also with him being a demon, he’s basically decided he’s impossible to find a partner for. He says if the demon thing doesn’t put them off, his mother will.”
“Hmm. I shall have a think about that one. They need to be able to not be scared of demons or demon mother-in-laws. Do you know, I might have just the person.” I told Theo. “Leave it with me.”
“Good luck with that one. I met Neelam, Rav’s mother, once. She cut my hair. Actually cut my hair while I was at her house. Said I’d let it grow too long and should be ashamed of myself. Then she gave me three carrier bags full of home-cooked Indian food because I needed feeding up. She couldn’t get on with the whole concept of me drinking only blood. Said there was no wonder I was so slim if I’d got myself on a liquid-only diet.”
“So his mum is human? Lucy said he had demon parents.”
“Demonic father, human mother. She just said she thought his father had a bit of a temper and so she’d thrown him out when Rav was younger. I tell you, she’s a match for any demon that woman. So I hope you know what you’re doing, sending some poor female in her path.”
“Well, like I said. I’ll give it some thought, but I do think Rav could do with some love in his life.”
Theo grasped my hand over the table. “My beautiful wife, always thinking of other people’s love and happiness.”
“Well, it’s kind of my job, but when I think of how happy we are, I want that for everyone. I hate the thought of there being war, Theo, and our daughter being in the middle of it all. Why can’t people just love one other?”
“I know. Believe me I have lived through many difficult times.”
“Gosh, yes, I bet you have.”
“Such as when Charlene left Neighbours. I didn’t get out of bed for a month.”
I was interrupted from tutting by Rav. “Your poppadoms. Are you ready to order?”
“Rav. I like cats-”
“We do not cook cats here, Mrs Landry. The finest of lamb, beef, but no cats. How dare you insinuate this about our restaurant. These rumours can damage busi-”
“Rav, I’m not talking about food. I’m saying do you like cats?”
His brow furrowed. “Sometimes, Shelley, you are a strange lady. I am asking what you want to eat and you are asking me if I like cats.”
“Forget it.” I said.
“Do I like cats? I’ll write that down and take it to the chef who will kick my arse for not delivering your order to the kitchen in a timely manner because I’m discussing my love of pets.”
“Hmmm, someone’s becoming a grumpy little demon tonight, aren’t you, Rav? We’ll just take another few minutes to decide.” I folded my arms across my chest.
“Ugh.” He stomped off.
“But we know what we want.” Theo frowned.
“Yes, darling, but I’m going to annoy that little shit all night. I’m beginning to reconsider getting him a date.”
After a few moments Rav returned to the table.
“So, my lovely lady and gent, could I now take your order?” It was killing him to be civil. This wasn’t like Rav. I knew he was a demon but I rarely actually saw it. I wondered what had caused the change.
“Yes, I’d like prawn puri, followed by lamb rogan josh, thank you. And a nice bottle of red wine for us to share.”
"Nothing for me." Said Theo.
“Are you not pretend eating?” Rav asked him.
“Actually, you can bring me a naan bread. Shelley will pretend she doesn’t want any and then proceed to eat the whole thing.”
I pulled a face at him.
“Thank you. I will be back shortly with your starter.”
“Rav. Stop a minute. Why are you in such a bad mood?”
He huffed.
“Remember I talked about an irritating customer? Well, your adoptive parents called in earlier and I’m sorry, Shelley, but your father, he is an arsehole.”
“Oh don’t apologise, I already know this. What was he doing this time?”
“He asked for the hottest curry and then kept returning it saying it wasn’t hot enough. If I could have, I would have flambeed his insides myself. I had to hold it in. I cannot be evil here. If I become evil here, then who knows what I could do to the lovely citizens of Withernsea? But that man, he drove me very close to the edge.”
“Well, he’s not here now. So just settle back. Is there a way to make the evil go away a bit?”
“Only if some happy things happen.”
“Well, how about if I tell you I’m going to try to set you up on a date?”
“Me?” Rav laughed. “Oh I am a lost cause, Shelley, don’t waste your time.”
“No, Rav. You are not. If we can get Theo a wife, we can get you one.”
“Hey,” Theo protested.
“Shelley, you married him yourself. That’s like insulting your own choices. It makes me feel better though. You really think you might find me a date?”
“I promise to do my best and I know about the whole getting past your mother thing and I’ll bear that in mind.”
“Ah, that’s why you were asking me the question about pets. You were trying to fill in the application form again to update it. I will come into the agency some time. No need to ask me tonight. I prefer dogs, but cats are okay. Anyway, what brings you out tonight? Is it a special occasion?”
“We’re trying to take Theo’s mind off the fact his daughter is out on a date.”
“Oooooh. Charlie is dating. And who is the lucky chap?” I noted that Rav didn’t seem to be in any rush now to take our order in. It was going to be a long night at this rate.
“His name is Kai, and he is a merman. Obviously he lives in Wyvern Sea.”
“Niiicccee. And he is one of those with the big swishy tail and no legs. I wonder what his genitalia looks like?”
“Rav!”
“Sorry, thinking out loud. I shall go hand in the order. Bet you’ve wondered the same though, Shelley, yes?” Rav took one look at Theo’s face and dashed off to take in our order.
“Theo, please count to ten because I can’t explain away red eyes and fangs in here tonight, not even by blaming hot curry.”
Theo shot up, grabbed the wine out of the other waiter's hand and drank some down straight from the bottle. “We’ll need another bottle.” He told him.
“Theo. You need to calm down. Kai assured you he would take things slow when you threatened to drain him.”
Rav brought over my starter. “Just a little something to nibble on. Save yourself for the exquisite main course.”
Theo put his fist in his mouth.
“What’s up with you now?” I said exasperated.
“Nibbling. Saving self for main course. I’m thinking of Kai with my daughter.”
I placed my hands on my cheeks. This was so not turning out to be the relaxing meal I had envisaged. While Theo worked his way through another glassful of wine, I slowly ate and enjoyed my starter. I’d been tempted to make a joke with the word fishy in it and wished Kim were here. In fact, she’d have made the joke herself. I was missing my friend. I needed to go see her and the babies soon.
Rav brought the main course. “And here is the main course. Look how juicy that sauce is. Only the best. Jump right in, Shelley. Coat your tongue in all those divine flavours. Savour it. You’ll wish you could just dive into it, be one with it. It is that amazing.”
A pained noise came from Theo who now had blood running from his fist where he’d punctured through it with his fangs while his hand was in his mouth. I picked up the naan bread and threw it at him. “Get a grip, Theo.” I yelled.
“For God's sake, I’m bleeding and you are throwing foodstuffs at me… AGAIN.” Theo yelled back.
I moved from my chair and licked his hand to close the wound. He was obviously too drunk to do it himself. “It’s just wine.” I reassured the other diners who were agog watching us. Then for good measure I picked up the naan bread and whacked Theo around the head with it again.
“Oh you two. You are such fantastic entertainment. You’ve cheered me right up.” Rav said. “Enjoy the rest of your meal.” And with that he left us.
“Rav. You need to help me drag Theo out to the cloakroom and then I can whizz us both home. He’s drunk.” I whispered as I paid the bill.
“I don’t think I have ever seen my friend drunk before.”
“Yes, well, your dear friend Theo didn’t have a dating daughter before. He’s not taking it so well.”
“He is very lucky he has a daughter at all. I shall remind him of this fact when he is sober, but for now, yes, I will help you.”
Finally, ten minutes later, I managed to whizz us back to our bedroom where my drunk husband laid out across our bed. And then he started singing, Kylie's 'I can’t get you out of my head', but replaced ‘you’ with ‘it’.
Our door flung open and Charlie stood there in her pyjamas and robe. “What the hell is that noise? I was fast asleep.” She stared at the bed and her jaw dropped. “My dad’s singing?”
“Well, that’s debatable, but this is what you’ve done to him by growing up. He’s got drunk and now he’s singing. I thought it was the child who came home drunk while they were growing up, but your father’s finding his own way through accepting your adulthood.”
Theo opened his eyes, sat up, then whizzed in front of Charlie. “Daughter! You’re back!” He sniffed the air around her, “Your virtue is intact. My baby. How I love you. You are Daddy’s girl, do you know that?” He pinched her cheeks.
“Ow.” Charlie screamed.
“Don’t leave me, Charlie bear. Charlene left me. Now you will leave me.”
“What’s he on about, Mum?”
“That Kylie left Neighbours. You’ll have to excuse me in a moment, Charlie, but needs must.”
“Charlie warlie. I am so very proud of you. You are the Queen. Not the Princess like Kylie, Princess of Pop; but Queen, like Madonna. Ooh what Madonna do I know? Oh God, ‘Like a Virgin’.”
“Out.” I pressed my hands to Theo’s temples and blue sparks flew. Theo hit the bed unconscious.
“I thought you couldn’t use magic for your own needs?”
“Sometimes rules are made to be broken, Charlie. Rather I broke a rule than a vase over his head. Now, did you have a nice evening?”
“Mum, it was wonderful. Kai was the perfect gentleman and we got along really well.”
“That makes me very happy. Now go get some sleep, or rather, go and replay the evening over and over in your mind.”
“Oh, Mum, that’s just what I was doing before I fell asleep. I can’t help it. How did you know?”
I sighed. “Because I only just did it myself with your dad, and that is when I find this situation most weird. You’re my daughter, you feel like my daughter, but I’m only twenty-seven myself.”
“Well, we can be like those mother and daughters that are more like sisters, can’t we?” She said kissing my cheek.
“I am very proud to be your mum, Charlie, no matter how strange. Never forget that.”
“I won’t. Love you, Mum. Love you, drunk Dad.” She laughed and left the room.
I turned and stared at the passed out pale creature lying across the bed.
“What am I going to do with you?” I said, and I didn’t mean about his position of slumber.