Xander

My lungs are empty, the air knocked out of them as if I’ve been hit by a Mack truck that fell from the sky. I lean back against the sofa again and try to refill them as I attempt to figure out what the hell is going on.

The last two weeks have been perfect. This morning was no different. Then Elsie went out and came back with this news. My brow furrows deeper, struggling to make sense of anything.

Nothing makes sense.

I don’t know whether to expose my anger at her not giving me any warning about this or to hold her in my arms and console her.

I barely know anything about multiple sclerosis other than that it sounds scary. All I know is I thought she was my new future and now she’s telling me we are through.

“What do you mean we can’t continue?” I say, running my fingers through my hair.

Through her sobs Elsie says, “Exactly what it sounds like. I can’t do relationships anymore.”

“Why not? Is it contagious?”

“No, but I have no future,” she says and wipes her nose along her arm.

Does this mean she’s going to die, I wonder, my heart dropping. How do I ask her that? “What does that mean? Are you going to, you know, live?”

“Unfortunately. I’m going to live a long and joyless life that’s only about suffering through each day.” Her voice is raw with emotion and I struggle to understand the words. “I’d be better off dead.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Why? It’s true. This isn’t just about being in a wheelchair, this is about getting worse and worse – bedridden, my eyesight messed up, no control of my bladder or bowel, pain, god knows what else and through it all sheer and utter exhaustion. How is that living?”

“Look, I’ve got more than enough money to get you the best medical care.”

Elsie shakes her head and says, “There isn’t any. A few things here and there that barely work better than placebos. Money can’t save me. Nothing can. You deserve better, a normal life that’s full of happiness instead of suffering. I can’t bring you down with me.”

It feels like my body is encased in lead and I’m powerless to move. I still can’t comprehend what’s happening.

Without thinking I mutter, “But you were more than happy to lead me on these past couple of weeks and then hit me with this? I’d say that’s bringing me down.”

“You are Xander Whitman. I thought this would just be a fling. There was no way I thought I’d fall in love.”

“But we did. You could have at least told me this morning before you went to the doctor’s. Hell, I would’ve gone to the doctor with you. You should’ve told me last night. Or the day before. A little hint would have been nice.”

“You’re right, I should’ve, but I couldn’t face thinking about it at all. I’ve only been able to cope by pretending my symptoms were all in my head, like my family doctor first insisted. If only the news from the doctor was different, like I was hoping.”

Anger rises from the pit of my stomach and I say, “Hope and denial do sweet fuck all.”

Elsie draws her knees tight against her chest, her feet resting on the coffee table and she curls into herself, sobbing uncontrollably. I hate to see her hurting like this. I want to make it better.

At least I want to pull her against me and hold her. But my body won’t move. It’s too heavy and won’t respond to my wants. Instead I sink deeper into the sofa and watch Elsie fall apart.

Every night with her laying beside me in bed I’ve been picturing my future. Always with her. I’ve walked away from my family and friends and everything I have ever known to start a new life with her only to have her say it isn’t possible.

Now what?

With her I could picture that life but now I have no idea what my future looks like.

Rocking, Elsie says, “I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry. I can’t do this to you.”

“You are doing this to me.”

“I’m saving you from me. Trust me, you need to run while you can.”

I don’t have a way to respond to that and remain silent. My eyes trace over her for some sort of understanding.

She stands and walks on shaky legs to the front door. “I have to go to my mom’s.”

“What? You’re just walking out of here?”

Gripping the door handle, Elsie closes her eyes and says, “You have every right to be angry and I know I hit you out of nowhere with this and it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, but I hope one day you will look back at our time together and remember me with love and fondness, because that’s how I will remember you. You let me experience what it’s like to love and be loved, something I never thought I would ever know. Thank you, for everything.”

My breath is heavy and my pulse throbs in my ears but I’m still unable to move. “Don’t open that door.”

Maybe I’m unwilling to move.

“I have to go before this gets even harder.” Elsie opens the door. As she steps through it she says, “I’ll always love you.” In an instant the door shuts behind her and I’m alone in Isabel’s apartment.

I sit motionless on the sofa for a long time, my mind replaying our conversation and when I can’t make any sense of it, my mind replays our time together. Our perfect time. Who knows if she had told me everything at the start things wouldn’t have gone the way they did between us. We both would’ve held back.

There’s no way she could have coaxed everything I told her out of me. I doubt I would’ve decided to walk away from Luna and Lunatics.

Elsie’s last words ring through my head, you let me experience what it’s like to love and be loved, something I never thought I would ever know. Before her, I never thought I would know what love is either.

Now that I do, I also know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and rammed down your throat. And for some stupid reason like a hideous disease.

I’m used to money fixing everything and for the first time in my life I understand what it’s like to not be able to make a problem go away by throwing money at it.

I laugh to myself, realizing I finally knowing what it’s like to be normal. And it sucks. Maybe it’s not for me after all.

Standing, I find the Jack Daniels in the little kitchen and take a massive swig straight from the bottle. What the fuck is my next move? Wandering aimlessly around the country until I figure something out? Head back to New York City and find a new life there? Something else?

I chew the options over as I gulp down more whiskey until my throat burns.

If nothing else, she’s left me as raw as the whiskey’s made my throat.

One thing’s for sure, I can’t stay here in this random chick’s apartment. The sooner I get out of here, the better. I don’t even have a car here, for fuck’s sake. Turning on my phone, I order an Uber to take me back to my apartment in New York.

With the bottle in my hand, I sit back down on the sofa and wait for the Uber to arrive.