Raw by Simone Sowood (44)

“You don’t mean that.”

“My entire life is laid out in front of me, and it’s so boring. I’m twenty and drive a mom car. I want to do something fun for once.”

“So you’re serious?”

“Yes, I’m serious. Let’s go work at the carnival all summer. It’d be so much fun.” I need to get away from my shitty little small town and figure out my life. It’s difficult to think of a funner way to do that than by running away with Steel.

“It’s not all fun and games. You’d be working your ass off.”

“I don’t mind getting my hands dirty.”

“You sure about that? Those nails look pretty polished to me.”

Taking a step back from him, I say, “I didn’t just think of this today. I’ve been wondering about it for ages. Before you ever showed up in town again, actually.”

“I don’t buy it.”

“It’s true. When I was trying to find you, I wondered about taking off and joining different carnivals until I found you.”

Steel rolls his eyes and my heart sinks. I take the glass of water from the shelf and walk back to the bed. Why isn’t he excited by this? I thought he’d be all over it.

Plunking myself on the edge of the bed, I set the water on the bedside table and grab my purse. Unable to resist the urge any longer, I pull out my phone and turn it on.

It vibrates non-stop, and the room fills with the chimes of new texts messages and voicemails. From my mother, my father, my brothers and Courtney.

The texts are more of their shit. My mother begging me to be safe, my father accusing me of only doing this to hurt his precious reputation, and the others asking me what the hell is going on. I can’t be bothered to listen to the voicemails, I have a pretty damn good idea what they say.

I send a response to Courtney.

I’ve been dating Steel and my parents found out and flipped.

A phone call from my mother comes while the phone is in my hand. I hit ignore and set the phone on the table.

Steel pulls up the desk chair and places it in front of me. He sits and leans forwards, taking my hands in his.

“Remember the way your parents talked about me? That’s how people would talk about you.”

“People can say whatever they want about me. It’s not like it’d be any worse than the way my parents talk about me.”

“I ain’t kidding. You won’t believe the shit the public will try on you. They’ll look at you different than they do now. You’ll be a carny, and they think that means they can treat you any way they feel, because you’re scum and don’t deserve any respect. In their minds, you’ve had your trial, and you’re guilty.”

I’m quiet and stare at my hands in his while I contemplate Steel’s words. How bad is it? Is he exaggerating because he doesn’t want me to join?

“What about the other carnies? How would they treat me?”

“Other carnies won’t do nothing to you, they’d all know you was my woman and it’d be hands off. They’re good people, they’d make sure no townie did something to you.”

“What do you mean? Physically?”

“A pretty girl like you? Trust me, some of those townie folk think they have the right to get handsy with you.”

“I somehow don’t think you’d let anything happen to me.”

“Fucking right I wouldn’t, that’s why I’m telling you this.”

My phone rings again. My father this time. I pick up the phone and hit call reject. A half dozen more texts have come in while we’ve been talking, including one from Courtney.

That’s insane. What on earth are you thinking? Why didn’t you tell me?

Gee, I wonder, Courtney.

I didn’t tell you because you’d get all judgmental, like you are now.

Another text comes, this one from Barbara at the coffee shop. How the hell does she even know my number?

Emily, I just wanted to let you know that some friends and I are having a prayer meeting for your family, Barbara

How is this happening? It’s not even been an hour, and the entire town of Colmar is talking about it already. The gossips are out in full force tonight.

“You know what? Right now I want out of this life and this town so badly that I’ll put up with any bullshit the carnival goers want to throw at me.”

“You sure you want that?”

“I told you before that I’m being serious. This isn’t a spur-of-the-moment thing that I just came up with. I need to find myself as an adult, to get away from all the crap with my family and learn to be the person I want to be.”

“It’s a good life. We can go all over the country. See the Everglades, the Mississippi. And the best thing is, we’d be together all the time. But…”

“But what?”

“But you don’t have to decide tonight. This is a big decision to up and leave your family, and you don’t want to have any regrets.”

“You up and left yours.”

“That was my foster family, not my real one.”

I look up at his eyes, wondering if he’s finally going to reveal more about himself.

“And your real ones?” I ask softly, unsure if he’ll answer.

Steel stands and walks towards the TV, a silence hanging in the air.

“I never knew my father,” he says with his back to me.

My heart wrenches in my chest. He opened up. Do I dare push for more? I want to know everything about this damn man, but he never talks about his past.

Do I go up behind him and hug him? Or is it better to stay here, sitting on the bed. My phone beeps again, but I ignore it. I open my mouth to speak, but Steel interrupts me.

“You’d better check that.”

Sighing, I look at my phone. It’s a text from Courtney.

I’m not getting judgmental, but the guy has a neck tattoo. Don’t you see warning signs?

While the phone’s in my hand, I flick through some of the ones from my mother. She’s having a conniption fit about my safety.

I only manage to look at the top one from my father.

The whole town is talking about my daughter whoring herself to a scumbag

It fills me with rage, and I slam the phone onto the pillow.

I don’t care about answering any of them. I only want what’s in this room.

Steel’s still standing with his back to me. I wish I knew what he was thinking. Hopping up from the bed, I move to him and put my arms around him, pressing my face into his back.

“No regrets?” I say.

“Not a single fucking one.”

“Me neither.”

He spins in my arms to face me. Our eyes lock and I’m flooded with the warmth he always brings me. Always. That’s all that matters. Not that anyone else cares, but if I’m learning anything, it’s that what anyone else thinks doesn’t matter.

“If you’re serious, I’ll phone Papa Smurf and find out where he’s at. I’ve worked with him so long, there’s no doubt he’d want me back. But I have to find out if he’d take you,” he says, cupping my cheek.

On the one hand I’m buzzing with excitement. On the other, I hadn’t considered the idea that I wouldn’t be hired. I feel foolish assuming I could just expect them to hire me.

My phone starts ringing and beeping like crazy, all the vibrations move it to the edge of the pillow and onto the bed. The calls and texts keep coming.

Trying not to panic, I move back to the bed and grab it. Courtney is phoning. Do I answer it?

In the end I ignore it, and look through the most recent texts. My mother’s hysteria has reached new heights.

I won’t let that man take my baby’s innocence

I snort with laughter. Too late for that, Mom.

“What’s so funny?”

“My mother doesn’t want you to steal my innocence.”

Steel chuckles, “Too fucking late for that.”

“Should I tell her?” I say, laughing, ready to type.

The phone rings again. It’s Courtney. I let it ring until it goes to voicemail. Courtney instantly calls again. Have they put her up to something?

“Hey, what is it?” I say into the phone.

“Emily, I don’t know what’s going on with you and that guy, but you need to know your father rounded up a bunch of his friends to go out hunting for your car.”

Courtney’s words punch me in the chest and knock the wind out of me.

Hell Bent for Leather

(Steel)

I don’t know what the fuck the person on the phone just said to her, but Emily’s face is paler than a kid who’s just gone through the Haunted House.

“Thanks a bunch, Courtney. I’ll call you later,” Emily says and turns off her phone. She looks at me and says, “We need to get out of here, now.”

“Huh?”

“My dad and his buddies are out looking for us.”

“For real?”

“My parents have gone insane. Why don’t they think I can make my own decisions? Good decisions. Ones that make me happy.”

“I don’t get it,” I say, shaking my head.

“We have to go to the carnival now,” she says, her voice forceful.

“I don’t even know where they’re at.”

“Can’t you phone from the car? My parents are freaking, I’m not having them hold me prisoner again. They’ll know we’re not in Colmar, and Woburn is the first place they’ll start looking.”

Maybe she’s right. The carnival is the perfect place for her to grow up and get away from their hold on her life.

I grab her chin and force her eyes into mine. As much as I want to go back to being what I am, I’m not taking her to that life unless she’s certain it’s what she wants.

“Are you sure the carnival’s the place you want to go?” I ask, my voice gruff.

“Yes.”

“Really sure?”

“Yes.”

“That doesn’t sound like a carny talking to me.”

Emily giggles and says, “Fuck yeah, I’m sure.”

“We’re in for some fun,” I say and kiss her cheek.

Going around the room, I start gathering my stuff and cram it in my backpack.

“What about all your stuff?” I ask.

“It’s gone.”

“Huh?”

“There’s no way I’m going home to get a damn thing. I’ll buy whatever I need.” Her words are strong, but her voice trembles. I drop the backpack and hold her tight against me.

“Don’t be scared, Goldie, I’ll take good care of you.”

“I know,” she says, sinking her body into mine.

I kiss the top of her head and stroke her back. We stay still for a minute, while she controls her nerves.

“We should go,” I say, my voice soothing, “before they find us. A cheap motel is the first place they’ll look. It’s only eight. We can drive for an hour and find another place to stay.”

Emily nods her head, and I release her from my arms. We move around the room, gathering the rest of my stuff and cramming it in my backpack. I bought some more clothes while I was here, and it’s a struggle to fit them all in.

“I’ll check out, you wait in the car.”

I lock up the room and go to the office to check out. When I leave the office again, the Corolla is smack in front of the office door. Emily’s sitting in the driver’s seat, her fingers gripping the wheel so tight, her knuckles are white.

Opening the driver door, I say, “Why don’t you let me drive?”

“You don’t know where we’re going,” she says, looking up at me, her jaw tight.

“Neither do you.”

I take her hand and lead her out of the car and around to the passenger side. She opens the door and gets in, and I close it again.

In the driver’s seat, I pull out of the motel parking lot and turn right.

“If you go straight, you’ll eventually get to the freeway,” she says.

That was luck. We keep hitting reds, and I put my foot down each time the light goes green to get us out of here as fast as possible. Emily keeps looking all around, as if she’s being hunted. I put my hand on her thigh, trying to relax her.

Once we’ve reached the freeway, we drive for an hour to Raleigh. There’s a sign for a gas station, so I pull into it and put the car in park.

“I’m going to phone Papa Smurf,” I say taking out my phone.

“Okay,” Emily says, and turns to stare out the back window.

“Papa,” I say when he answers the phone.

“Steel. You had enough of chasing that tail and coming back?”

“Oh, I’m coming back all right, but I’m bringing my woman with me.”

“Fuck, man, for real? You always had the magic.”

“As real as day. You going to put her to work?”

“For you, anything.”

“Thanks, Papa. Now, where you at?”

“Near Gulfport.”

“Where the fuck’s that?”

“Mississippi, right on the Gulf.”

“Okay, what’s that? A day’s drive. I’ll be there tomorrow or the day after.” Depending on if I want to stop and show Emily something along the way.

“Buses here ain’t that fast.”

“We got our own car.”

“No shit. In that case, I have your own trailer for the two of yous, if you can tow it. We’re leaving in the morning, you get here first thing, and it’ll be here for you.”

“Fuck yeah, how you swinging that? Screw it, I’m not asking questions, I want the trailer.”

My own trailer, there’s no way I’m missing out on that.

“Then you better get driving, it’ll take you about twelve hours and we’re leaving in ten.”

“We’re on our way. Text me directions to Gulfport.”

I hang up the phone and turn to Emily, my face beaming.

“We got ourselves our very own trailer.” I can’t hide the excitement in my voice.

“That sounds good,” she says, unsure of her words.

“Can this little car tow a trailer? Google it.”

Emily taps into her phone and says, “Up to fifteen-hundred pounds, apparently.”

“And this thing has a trailer-hitch?”

“My father made sure this car had everything there was to have. One of the perks of being the dealership boss’ daughter.”

“Is that a yes?”

“Yeah.”

“We need to get ourselves to Gulfport, Mississippi by morning.”

“How far is that?”

“Maybe a twelve-hour drive and we have ten hours to do it in. Do you know how to get to Mississippi? Look it up on your phone.”

Without waiting for her, I put it in gear and pull back onto the highway.

“I can’t believe I’m really doing this,” Emily says, turning her phone on.

The phone starts beeping and chiming.

“Ignore the texts.”

“I’m looking at Google Maps. It’s easy, follow I-85 past Atlanta, change to I-65 at Montgomery, Alabama.”

“Easy. Now turn off your phone.”

“I can’t not look at the texts.”

“Yes, you can,” I say, reaching over to grab her phone.

Emily moves it against her window, out of my reach, her eyes fixed to the screen. My eyes flick between her and the road. Her breathing’s getting fast and I grab her nearest arm to try to get her to stop looking at the phone.

“My mother is throwing all kinds of mud at you. There’s no word from my father. I guess he’s too busy looking for me. Should I tell her we’ve gone?”

“No way, then he’ll follow us. Better to let him drive in circles around town.”

“Your carnival isn’t on the internet. I know, I looked hard for it.”

“That’s because we’re small. Papa Smurf don’t care about that shit. We go different places every year, what’s the point?”

“So they’ll never find us.”

“Not likely.”

“So who cares if I tell them?”

“Why don’t you say we’re going to Georgia?”

“Same highway,” she says, sighing.

“So don’t tell them nothing.”

She starts tapping away at her phone.

“What are you typing?”

“A text to my mom,” she says and sets the phone on her lap. I assume she’s hit send. “I said they’ve given us no choice but to leave the area because they were so rude to us. And also that I quit my job.”

Her words surge through me and make my dick twitch. She’s all mine now.

Drop Dead Legs

(Emily)

Steel’s speeding down the highway. We’re going way faster than I would drive, but I feel safe sitting here beside him.

I can’t believe I’m leaving home and everything I’ve ever known behind. But after the way things have turned out, I have no regrets.

A month of being with Steel every day has taught me one thing, I don’t want those days to end. I’m completely under his spell. Being with him means more to me than anything else. And I’m doing the unthinkable in order to make it happen — becoming a carny.

“I’ve never been to Mississippi,” I say.

“It’s nice. Good to see the river. I went to Elvis’ birthplace there before, but I don’t know if we’re going near there this year or not.”

“Wow, it all sounds so exciting. I didn’t realize carnies were into sightseeing.”

“Sure we are, why not? See all that different shit all over the place? It’s great.”

“So where else have you been?”

“Lots of places. I’ve told you, I’ve been to forty-one states.”

“Which one are you from?”

“That don’t matter, I joined the carnival so long ago I barely even remember.”

“That’s crap.”

“It ain’t. I don’t care, why do you?”

“Fine. So, what states haven’t you been to?” I’m trying a new tactic. He’s always so guarded about himself. I suspect he’s ashamed, since he knows how privileged my life’s been.

“Alaska. Hawaii.”

“California?”

“Yep, been there but nowhere else on the west coast. Razor and me went there one year during the winter break. Saw the Santa Monica Pier and the Hollywood sign.”

“That’s so cool.”

“It was, but I prefer the east coast.”

Does he prefer because he’s an east coast boy, or is he a west coast boy who wants to leave it behind?

“What about Oregon and Washington?”

“Nope, never been.”

I try to visualize a map before realizing how futile that is. Time for Google Maps again.

“What about Montana?”

“No.”

“North Dakota?”

“The towns are too spread apart in those places.”

“Idaho?”

“What is this, twenty questions?”

“No, I’m just trying to eliminate the places you haven’t been so I can narrow down where you’re from.”

“I keep telling you, it don’t matter.”

“But where’s your home? Why won’t you tell me?”

“I told you before my home was wherever my bunkhouse is, but…”

“But what?”

“I suppose now my home is wherever you are.”

My body bubbles over from his words. There’s no doubt in my mind that what I’m doing is the right decision. A lump forms in my throat, and I can’t say anything more.

It’s after midnight. The darkness of the road and the movement of the car are lulling. My eyelids are heavy, and I’m struggling to stay awake.

I wish I was wearing something more comfortable than this dress. And had some panties on. I didn’t wear any as a surprise for our one-month dinner and a movie celebration. Sitting in a car for ten hours wasn’t a consideration, or I would’ve worn sweat pants.

Trying to get more comfortable, I hitch the dress up to the top of my thighs. It’s not much, but at least it lets me move my legs to a more comfortable position.

“Tired?” Steel asks.

“Very.”

“You should sleep. You’re going to have a busy day tomorrow.”

“Am I going to have to work right away?”

“Probably. Papa don’t do freeloaders, though he might make an exception for me. But when we get there, we’re hitching up the trailer and moving on to the next town, probably another hour drive.”

Tired and nervous, emotions threaten to overwhelm me. I recline my seat and close my eyes, trying to calm myself.

I’ve managed not to check my phone since I sent my mother the last text, and I’m determined not to look until morning.

“Good night,” I say, already half asleep. This is the first night we’ve spent together since the night at the carnival. It’s not exactly how I pictured things when I got up this morning, but then, no moment with Steel has ever been how I expected.

In seconds, I’m asleep and dreaming about Steel holding me.

In a haze, I’m aware of the car stopping. Steel’s hand moves high up on my exposed thigh. I open my eyes, and he’s staring at me.

“Are we here?” I ask, my voice groggy.

“No.”

“Where are we? Why did we stop?”

“Because I’ve been driving the past three hours, listening to you breathe and unable to focus on the road as I’ve looking at your long legs.”

I’m still more asleep than not, and I don’t know what he’s talking about, but his words wrap around me like a hug. I let out a soft noise of approval.

“All I keep thinking is how you’re mine.”

“Yours?” I ask, biting my lip.

“All mine.”

“Yours.”

“I’m telling you now, I always protect what’s mine.”

I furrow my brow, trying to process his words.

“Are you mine?” I ask, my voice quiet.

“Have been ever since that night in October.”

My chest swells, but before I can respond, he pulls me up, grabs the back of my head and his mouth presses against mine.

His hand slides further up my thigh, then under the fabric of my dress. Heat burns under his touch.

Our kiss is different somehow. The tenderness of his lips sends waves of warmth that fill me until I threaten to overflow and burst with joy.

His fingers reach my mound, and brush across it. I moan, and he pulls his lips away.

“No fucking panties?”

“It was a surprise for you, for our one-month anniversary.”

“I can’t sit here any longer. I need to be in you. Get out of the car,” he says, pulling his hand away.

I moan in protest but he ignores me. Steel opens his door and gets out. Before I know it, he’s opened my door and is pulling me out. He grabs me tight, his hard dick digging into me.

“You think I’ve been sitting there and thinking of anything else but fucking you? Knowing you’re all mine now?” He kisses me roughly before continuing, “I swear my cock has been hard for the past hour. I need to bury it in your pussy. Now. Then I’ll be able to concentrate on the road.”

My skin coats in goose bumps as all the heat in my body pools between my legs. Steel nuzzles my neck, his hands slide up the outsides of my thighs, pushing my dress up to my waist.

The night air is cool, and blows across my exposed lips and ass. I glance around. We’re in some highway picnic rest stop area. It’s empty, except for a truck at the far end of the parking lot. The highway itself has a steady trickle of middle-of-the-night traffic.

Without warning, Steel spins me and pushes my body against the car. He grips the back of my neck and presses my head onto the trunk. I’m still catching my breath from the movement when he drives his dick into me.

I gasp. My pussy blooms with heat. Steel keeps pushing my body into the car as he thrusts into me. Over and over and over.

My hips bash into the car with each thrust, but my walls are throbbing too much to care. I’m breathless, my head is spinning, and before I know it, a tidal wave of pleasure rushes over me.

My legs give out, and I’m held up only by the car. I’d slide off it if Steel wasn’t pushing me down on it.

Wave after wave of a massive orgasm rushes over me from being woken up and fucked in the cold at the side of the road. My walls spasm around his dick, gripping it tight in me.

He’s right, he’s mine. And I, undeniably, am his.

Welcome to the Jungle

(Emily)

I can’t believe that just happened. The way Steel took that guy down was crazy. He was serious when he said he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. But are the other people here really in need of a physical threat? He told me they were all cool, and that it’s the people who come to the carnival that I have to be careful of.

“We’ve got twenty minutes, let’s go get you some clothes,” Steel says, arriving back at the trailer door.

“I can’t buy clothes in twenty minutes.”

“Sure you can, we walk into Walmart, you load up the cart and we leave. There’s one just down the road, we passed it on the way in.”

Looking down at my Burberry dress, I remember the last time Maddie, Courtney and I went shopping. It took all day, and we each ended up with two outfits, not including shoes.

That life is over now. Somehow it doesn’t even seem to matter. I’m here, I’m free to do whatever I want without being judged by all my neighbors, and I have Steel at my side.

Even if he did just go a bit psycho on that guy and everyone else here, he’s never done anything even remotely like that before. He seems stressed about making me feel comfortable here, and I’m grateful for that.

I give him a half smile, “Okay, we’d better go now.”

We drive the short distance, grab a cart and enter Walmart. The smell is the first thing that hits me, it’s plastic or something. Not like the perfumed boutiques I’m used to.

The only other time I’ve been to a Walmart was when I had to buy camping gear. I’ve never been anywhere near the clothing section. It’s kind of exciting, discovering something new.

Steel leads me to the women’s clothing area, and begins pulling summer dresses off the racks.

“What size are you?”

“It depends on the store.”

“In this store.”

“I’m going to have to try it on.”

“Ain’t got time.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Let me see it,” I say, and grab the dress from his hands.

I walk over to a mirror and hold it up to me, pulling it across my hips.

“This looks good,” I say and fling it into the cart.

It’s actually a cute dress, a floral design with a skater skirt. Steel starts pulling more off and putting them in the cart. He doesn’t even look at them to see if they’re nice or not. Oh well, they all look pretty similar anyway.

“How many do you need?” He asks.

“I don’t know, seven? Plus some shorts and T-shirts, plus some leggings, and some sweaters.”

“My shit fits in one backpack,” he says shaking his head.

“So what, I’ll put it in the trailer. Or my trunk. Whichever, we have room for it all,” I shrug.

“And you can afford all that?”

“I’ve had a job for years,” I say screwing up my face. I remember him saying the same thing to me. Besides, all this is going to cost less than my dress anyway.

“Fine.”

“Anyway,” I hesitate, “that was pretty extreme back there, attacking that guy like that.”

“He was fucking asking for it.”

“Yeah, but still, you jumped on him.”

“That’s my buddy Razor, he was trying to get a reaction out of me.”

“Your friend?” I say, raising an eyebrow.

“I hope it didn’t upset you or nothing.”

“It’s just a little freaky, is all. I’m not used to seeing such physical violence.” I struggle to keep down the volume of my voice.

“I had a strong message to send. I sent it.”

“Should I expect to see a lot of fighting?”

“By me? Only if someone touches you.”

“And others?” I ask, cocking my head.

“Not much. Sometimes if someone does something stupid. Usually because a townie starts something.”

I trace his face for truthfulness. I’m not sure if I can handle a lot of violence around me. His face is full of concern, and he strokes down my arm. He says it’s the case, and I trust him.

It’s not like I’m about to run home now, when I haven’t even been gone twenty-four hours. My life would be worse than it was before. The town would never stop talking about me, and my parents would criticize me all day long, forever and ever.

“And you promise me you’re not going to be violent and start attacking people, your friends or otherwise?”

“I can’t make that promise. If someone disrespects you, you’re damn straight I’m going to beat in his face.”

“But I’m telling you, I don’t want you to. I don’t want you fighting. I can’t handle that. It’s a step too far for me.”

“A step too far?” Steel makes a sharp intake of breath and looks at the floor. I remain silent, trying to let him know how important this is too me. “It won’t matter anyhow, no carny’s going to touch you after today anyway.”

“Fine.”

“Okay.”

“Let’s get the rest of the stuff,” I say. I need everything, a hairbrush, toothbrush, you name it. We need to hurry.

We walk past the underwear, and I grab several bras and a couple packs of panties and throw them in the cart. Speed walking through the store, I get all the toiletries while Steel stocks up on food.

The big pharmacy sign catches my eye, and I make a mental note to figure how I get the prescription for my birth control pills renewed. I’ve only been on it a couple of weeks so have enough on my prescription for a few months, and don’t need to stress about it yet. I have enough in my purse to last until the end of the month. There are too many things to think about as it is.

Back at the camp, I stand to the side while Steel and Razor get the trailer hooked up to my car. They’re working together without any drama, and seem to know exactly what the other is doing. How were they just fighting?

“Goldie, in the car. We’re ready to take you to your first carnival,” Steel says to me, one foot in the driver’s side.

* * *

I’m sitting on the edge of the bed in the trailer at the carnival site. Steel is setting up but I haven’t been told where to go, or what I’m doing yet. I think they’re still trying to figure out what to do with me.

I keep staring at my purse. My phone is in it. I haven’t looked at it since last night, but now the draw is too strong. I have to let my parents know I’m safe, at least. I don’t want them worrying about me. Not for rational reasons anyway.

When I turn the phone on, it goes through a crazy amount of vibrating and beeping as all the text and voicemail notifications come through.

After it’s finished, I brave looking at the screen. My mother responded to the text I sent her last night. Several times.

Don’t do this

Come home, please don’t risk trusting him

Your father is panicking. Please come home

I stop reading after that. What’s the point? The only reason I would read on would be if she apologized, and she wasn’t even close. You’d think she at least would have offered to give him another chance.

I type one last text to her.

I’m not coming home, we’re fine. You need to learn to accept us as a couple. I’m done with this phone now, I might phone in a couple of months when you’ve calmed down. Stop worrying about me, you’re being ridiculous.

Hovering my finger over the send button, and my heart stops when I finally push it.

I put my finger on the power button, before realizing I need to send Courtney something.

Thanks for your call last night. Steel and I are have gone traveling for the summer, your bff

The trailer door opens and I switch off the phone. Steel appears in the doorway.

“Good news, I’ve talked Papa Smurf and Cess into having you sit in on her basket toss booth.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re working a game, paid hard cash every week, just like me.”

“What do I do?” They just throw me right in like that?

“Cess will show you everything. It’s just selling. You said you wanted to sell, and now you are.”

“Who’s Cess?”

“The carnival princess. She’s a friend, and she’ll take care of you while I’m working.”

My hands start trembling, and I sit on them to hide it from Steel. I’ve only ever worked in my dad’s office before, never in a store or anywhere that I had to deal with the public before. The idea is daunting.

Steel sits down beside me and pulls my hands out from under me. He takes them in his hands, and the strength of his fingers helps me find my own strength.

“You’ve got nothing to be nervous about. If you can make me walk away from my life of ten years, then you can convince some teenager to try to toss a softball into a peach basket.”

I smile and lean my head against him. He always knows how to make me feel better. There’s no question I’m happier with him. I don’t care about my parents, or his fight, all I care that he can sit here beside me and make everything better. Make me better.

“Let’s go toss some balls,” I say, standing up.

Every Rose has a Thorn

(Steel)

Emily’s bent over, her head in the passenger area, looking for something. Her movements are slow, and her limbs look clumsy.

“What are you doing?” I ask, anxious to close her door and get back on the road.

“Looking for Kleenex.”

“So get in and then look for them, we need to go.”

“I can’t get in until I find them, your come is leaking down my leg and I don’t want to get it all over the seat.”

“So use your dress to wipe it off.”

She stops what she’s doing and cranes her head about to look at me, “My dress, my one piece of clothing? No way. Give me your T-shirt, and I’ll use that.”

I’m about to object when I realize how much cleaning up her pussy appeals to me. Like I can see what I do to it, plus touch it some more. I’ve got more clothes in the trunk anyway.

“Keep looking for the Kleenex,” I say, squaring myself behind her hips.

Pulling my T-shirt over my head, I ball it in my fist and rub it up her leg. Emily freezes, but doesn’t say anything. I wipe off both her inner thighs, and press my shirt against her lips, causing her to arch her back. Slowly, I moved the shirt through her folds, loving this idea of mine.

Damn, if we weren’t in such a hurry, I’d fuck her again right now.

She’s all cleaned up for now, but I gush like a bull. I push her hips to the side, and lay the T-shirt on the seat. It’s something, anyway.

“Thank you,” she says, her breathing slow.

Emily hikes her skirt around her waist, I guess so she doesn’t sit on it, then gets in the passenger seat. Shit, I thought the first five hours of looking at her long legs was hard, now I’ve got a view of everything below the waist to contend with.

I get back into the driver’s seat and pull back onto the highway. Emily reclines her seat, her luscious lips on full display to me. I force my focus on the road and getting us there in time.

She falls asleep almost straight away, and I keep on driving. When we get near, I use Emily’s phone for directions.

The sun is up when I pull into the lot where the carnival is. Emily wakes up when I stop the car.

“Where are we?” She asks, her voice groggy.

“We’re here.”

Emily’s eyes shoot wide open and her spine straightens.

“You don’t got nothing to be worried about,” I say and grip her hand. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone and you’ll feel better.” She looks at me like a deer in headlights and I grip her hand tighter. “Don’t worry, Goldie, I’m here for you. Just trust me.”

With tight lips, her head nods, almost imperceptibly. I release her hand and get out of the car. I go around to her side to coax her out, but to my surprise she gets out on her own and is standing waiting for me by the time I get there.

“Holy shit, you made it,” Papa Smurf says, walking towards us.

“The promise of my own trailer? You’re damn straight we made it,” I say.

“And this is her, the one you drove us all nuts about over the winter?” He says, eyeing Emily.

“Papa Smurf, this is Goldie.”

“Goldie, huh. Nice to have you with us. I still can’t believe Steel convinced you to come.”

The comment makes her smile, and with a soft voice she says, “I was the one who had to convince him to bring me.”

“I’ll be damned. Ain’t never heard that one before,” he says.

“Enough of the Steel bashing, where’s our trailer?”

“How you going to pull it?” He asks, laughing.

“With this.” I point to the Corolla.

“You’ve gotta be shitting me. That little thing?”

“You’ll see.”

“I’d sure like to. Trailer’s over there, the little blue one.”

I grab Emily’s hand and say, “Come on, Goldie, let’s go check out our new home.”

“We’re leaving in half an hour,” Papa Smurf calls after us.

Pulling her across the field, various carnies I’ve known for years yell and whistle at me.

“Fuck you all,” I shout at none of them in particular.

“Fuck you too, asshole,” someone yells. I think it was Razor. Doesn’t matter anyway, they’d all say the same thing. So would I.

“This is it,” I say, pulling my hand on the trailer door latch.

It’s small, not much bigger than a bunkie room, but I don’t care. It’s all ours.

I open the door and Emily climbs in, looking around. I enter and shut the door behind me.

“It’s nice,” she says, her voice a bit deflated.

“It’s great, look at this, our own table and chairs.”

“That’s a bed.”

“Now it is, but it turns into a table.”

“Oh.”

“That means we can sit in here when it rains, and don’t have to sit on the bed.”

“I thought you’d prefer the bed in the rain.”

“Don’t you worry about that. Bed, table. Hell, I’ll even bend you over this little stove.”

Emily laughs, “Is that a promise?”

“Don’t you worry, Goldie, I wouldn’t be surprised if we bust this trailer’s axle.”

I grab her hips and grind into her. My mouth smashes against hers, my woman in our trailer, and I know where this is going to end.

“Get the fuck out of there, we got to get ready to go,” Razor says, pounding his fist on the door.

“Give us five minutes.”

“That’s no way to please a woman. Goldie, he ever lets you down, you can come running to my bunkhouse any night.”

Enraged, I let go of Emily and fly out the door. I don’t care if he is like a brother to me, these fuckers need to know she’s off limits, and I need to make that loud and clear now.

“What did you say, asshole?”

“I wasn’t talking to you,” Razor says, not looking behind him as he walks away.

“I said, what did you say?”

“You heard me, that pretty woman ever gets tired of your disappointing fucks, she needs to know where she can come get a good one.”

Covering the ground between us as fast as I can, I lunge at Razor from behind and we go crashing to the ground. I’m on top of him, and push myself up by pushing his back down into the ground.

Everyone in the lot has stopped what they were doing and is rushing to us.

“Let me make this clear now,” I yell, “Goldie is mine, and if anyone does anything to upset or disrespect her, they’re going to have to deal with me. I don’t care who you are or how long I’ve known your fucking cocksucking ass.”

“Easy, buddy. I was just messing around,” Razor says.

“And that includes messing around,” I bark, and shove his back to emphasis my point.

“Fine,” Razor mutters.

Standing, I look around at everyone and continue yelling, “And so help me God, if anyone lays a hand on her, I’ll beat your fucking head in until you don’t have a face left. Is that fucking clear?”

I glare at various nodding faces. Some people murmur things before turning away and going back to their business.

Good. I think I got the message across.

At that moment, I look up and notice Emily peeking out the door, looking whiter than she did when we first got here.

Peace Sells

(Steel)

It’s a Saturday in mid-May, and we’re still in Mississippi. It’s raining this afternoon, and the smell of damp earth mixes with the stink of the rides. Doesn’t matter, the carnival is busy anyway. That’s the thing with these little towns. The weekend the carnival comes to town is the only thing that happens all year.

I’m tired of standing out in the rain, and am going to swing by Emily’s booth to dry off under the awning.

But first I’m getting her a funnel cake. I even paid for it, and am loading it up with chocolate, toffee sauce and whip cream.

I make my way down the midway. A couple of chicks in shirts soaked from the rain and clinging to their tits are coming the other direction. They’re bleached blondes, and the taller one has tits so big that half the men she walks past crane their heads for another look.

They see my yellow carnival T-shirt, and beeline towards me. These girls know they can come to a carny for a mind-blowing fuck no local boy is capable of giving them.

Last year, I’d have had both of them at once in my room. This year, all I can think of is avoiding them.

“Hey, sexy man,” big tits says.

I ignore them and keep on walking.

“At least let us feel them muscles,” one of them shouts after I’m past them.

“We’ll give you a dollar if you show us them abs of yours,” the other shouts.

I used to pocket a pretty penny from local girls wanting to see my body. This year I’ve been turning it all down, which Razor’s been loving. He’s raking in all my turnaways, and is planning to buy a PlayStation from all the extra money.

Not breaking my stride, I ignore them and arrive at Emily’s booth. She’s standing there, somehow managing to make the yellow carnival T-shirt sexy.

“Hey, sexy,” I say, sitting on the counter. “I brought you something.”

Emily comes over to me, and leans in for a kiss.

“God, that smells good,” Emily says, breathing in the funnel cake.

“Don’t suppose you brought me one of them,” Cess says, tossing a softball in her hand.

“Next time,” I say.

“You said that last time,” Cess says.

“How’s it going, you selling any?” I ask Emily.

“She’s a natural. Ain’t you, Goldie?” Cess says.

“Not surprised. That pretty face could get a man to do anything,” I say.

“It worked on you,” Emily says and laughs.

She takes a big bite of the funnel cake, her eyes close as the flavor fills her mouth. That’s the look I’m used to seeing in our trailer, not from a bite of food.

A big, blond dude slaps five dollars on the counter. He’s with a buddy, a guy only slightly shorter who’s wearing a polo shirt. They look like the kind of people I’d expect Emily would be related to.

Cess snaps up the money and holds out three balls to him.

“I want them from her,” he says, nodding to Emily.

My attention is drawn from Emily’s pretty face to the idiot trying to win an impossible game.

“She’s busy, you gotta take them from me,” Cess says.

“I said, I want them from her,” he says.

The dude’s face coats in a smug smile as he stares at Cess. The back of my neck prickles. This guy had better drop it, if he knows what’s good for him.

“Your choice, you take my balls, or you forfeit your money,” Cess says.

“Oh, I think that pretty girl wants to give me the balls.”

It pisses me off, but I know how common fuckers like these guys are. I take another bite of funnel cake and wait to see how Emily handles the situation.

“Now careful boys, you wouldn’t want my boyfriend here to pulverize your pretty-boy faces now, would you?” Emily says.

“He’s your boyfriend? Sweetheart, you can do a lot better than him. Let me show you all the things a real man can do.” He pauses and stares at me. “Not some scumbag like him.”

Enough. I slip off the counter and ball my fist, intending to knock the mother-fucker down with a right hook.

“This is nothing, we get at least one of him an hour,” Emily says, a worried look in her eyes.

“Don’t mean he doesn’t need his head kicking in.”

A crowd has gathered round the booth. Everything inside of me is telling me to beat the guy into next Tuesday, but I decide it’ll be more fun to humiliate him in front of the town. He’ll be the laughing stock for years to come.

“Tell you what, I’ll give you six balls, no charge. If you get one in, good things will happen.”

“Good things like what?” He says.

“Good things like I won’t break your faces,” I say, and take another bite of the funnel cake.

“And I’ll give you the balls you paid for,” Emily says, laughing. She knows it’s impossible for them to win. Emily walks back to the baskets, getting the balls. But I know the real thing she’s doing is making sure the angles on the baskets are set to impossible.

“I don’t know, Steel, that’s giving them pretty good odds. He looks like he knows how to throw a ball, ain’t no way you’ll win that one,” Cess says, winking at me.

“Six balls and you don’t think we can get one in?” the blond laughs, “I’m a pitcher.”

“Line ‘em up, Cess,” I say.

Cess puts the six balls on the counter, three in front of each of them. He picks up the first ball, aims, and throws. The ball hits the basket, and bounces out again.

“Five more tries to prove you’re really a pitcher,” I say, wiping toffee sauce from the corner of my mouth.

He ignores me, and takes another throw. The ball hits the back of the peach basket and bounces out.

“I hope you don’t treat women the way you treat the balls, just nailing it as hard as you can. It takes finesse,” I say, smirking.

“Up yours,” he says.

He throws the next ball, gentler this time, but it still bounces out. The guy’s got good aim, I’ll give him that.

“This is bullshit,” he says, looking around at the crowd.

“Ain’t no bullshit. Pass me some balls, Goldie, I’ll show him how it’s done.” Emily gets two balls out of the basket at the far end. I take one from her, look at the asshole and say, “I only need one.”

She tosses the other ball in her hand, and I take aim.

“Pay attention, you might learn something,” I say and release the ball into the basket Emily took the balls from.

It lands in the basket and thuds against the ball that’s already in it. The ball she left in it stops the new ball from bouncing out again.

“Your turn,” I say, looking at the crowd and laughing. I lean against the counter, glaring at him as he takes aim and I take another bite of the funnel cake.

“Ah, come on, let’s stop embarrassing the poor guy,” Emily says.

“Shut up,” the guy snaps.

He throws two more balls, both of them hit the basket and bounce out again.

“Seems like this town is in need of a better pitcher,” I say.

The crowd laughs, and the guy turns red with anger and embarrassment. He throws the last ball, and it bounces out again, of course. He puts his head down, mutters something under his breath and pushes his way through the crowd.

“That was fucking hilarious, you crack me up,” Emily says and gives me a quick kiss.

Her kiss floods me with heat, and I know I made the right decision in humiliating the fuck out of the guy instead of throwing that punch. Various people from the crowd have now lined up for their chance at doing what the town’s star pitcher couldn’t. Emily takes the first guy’s money, an old guy wearing a T-shirt that barely covers his beer gut.

She hands him three balls and directs him to the basket I used, with the extra ball still in it. The guy takes aim and his first ball lands in the basket.

I look at the crowd and say, “Good to see there’s someone in this town who knows how to throw a ball.”

They laugh and some even clap. I’m buzzing from defeating the asshole. Surprisingly, it was far more satisfying that giving him a black eye.

Leaning across the counter, Emily throws her arm around my neck and pulls me close. I crush my mouth against hers, reveling in the taste of my woman.

New World Man

(Emily)

It’s June tenth. My twenty-first birthday. But it’s a Saturday, and that means I’ll be sitting in this booth all day, convincing idiots to give me five bucks to try to throw a ball into a basket.

When are they going to realize they can’t win? Unless I want them to, that is.

Cess says we have to make sure it seems like you can win, so every so often, we tilt the baskets to keep the balls from bouncing out again. You can’t tell the angles from the other side of the counter, but we still have to be extra cautious because the state regulators are known to come round posing as players. They’re checking for fixed games, and if we get caught, that means a big fine for the carnival, and Papa Smurf’s boot up my ass.

I love getting to choose who I want to win. Somehow, men who are dicks to their girlfriends never do. But when I offer a discounted or free set of balls to their girlfriends, they always win. Assuming they can hit the basket.

Kids also tend to win a lot. I just have to be careful not to let too many win, or it eats into mine and Cess’ commissions. We have to pay for the stuffed animals ourselves, and I’m not Santa Claus.

I’m loving it though. It’s lots of fun. And now I totally get what Steel was saying before, about one of the best things about this job being all the smiles we put on people’s faces. And sometimes wiping the smiles off the faces of assholes. It’s a real buzz.

We’re still in Mississippi. I never appreciated just how many small towns there actually are in one state before now, and Papa Smurf said we’re not even going to most of them.

It’s three, and I need to eat before the rush starts at four. Once it starts, we’re busy until close.

“Are you good here if I take my break?” I ask Cess.

“Sure, honey, you go get something to eat.”

“Great, back in twenty minutes,” I say, taking off my money apron.

I head straight to the Zipper. If Steel isn’t there, Razor will know where to find him.

Steel sees me pushing my way past the people in line and walks away from the pod he was loading. He meets me at the front of the line.

“Happy birthday, Goldie,” he says, hugging me and swinging me around.

His blue eyes are electric in the daylight, and even though I look in them a zillion times a day, my tummy still flutters under their gaze. He presses his lips against mine, and we lock together in a kiss that increases the fluttering inside me.

There are a few catcalls and whistles from people in the line.

“Get a room,” someone calls, but we don’t give a shit. He presses his hand into the small of my back, and our kiss deepens. So does the need in me.

I break the kiss, and say, “I only have twenty minutes.”

“Come for a ride, and I mean come,” he says with a devilish grin.

“I’m starving,” I say. I’d planned on getting some onion rings for lunch.

Ignoring me, Steel takes my hand and leads me to a waiting Zipper pod.

“Hey, no butting, asshole!” someone yells from the line.

“Easy, dude,” Steel says.

“You can’t just drag your carny bitch ho to the front of the line,” the guy says. He’s young, around my age, and is standing in line with what looks like his twin brother.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” Steel says, screwing up his face.

“Anything, except get a real job,” the guy says.

Steel glances at me, and looks at the ride. He sees something on the ride, and his massive, Hollywood smile springs across his face.

“Tell you what, buddy, why don’t you and your twin come up here right now, as a way of me apologizing to you,” Steel says.

This is weird. I don’t know what his plan is, but I know he’d never apologize to a townie, ever.

Without further prompting, the guy and his twin push past the people ahead of them in line, not seeing the irony, and arrive at the pod.

“Hey, how’s that fair?” a woman’s voice shouts.

Steel glances back at the line, and with his smile says, “It’s good. These big, tough guys want a ride, we’ll let them have a ride.”

The twins climb into the pod, and Steel secures the door. Razor moves the ride around to the next pod, and the people get out. I go to get on, but Steel holds me back.

“Not this time,” he says, “Go stand with Razor.”

Confused, I walk over to where Razor’s standing at the controls.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“Those assholes are about to stink up my ride, is what,” Razor says, shaking his head.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“They just got on pod nine, we call it Loosey Goosey, because it spins easier than the others.”

“And?”

“And this ride is going to be a little faster and a little longer than usual, and those two will be trying to get the stink of puke off themselves for days.”

Grossed out, I chuckle, and say, “How do you know they’ll puke?”

“Because unless they’re one of us or fighter pilots, they’re going to puke.”

“And all the other people on the ride?”

Razor grins, and says, “They should be okay. Unless they’re pukers to begin with.”

When the ride’s fully loaded, Steel comes and puts his arm around me.

“Let’s torture these assholes,” Steel says.

Since the day at my booth with the pitcher and all the missed balls, Steel’s taken to embarrassing anyone who pisses him off. He thinks it’s hilarious, and so do I. According to Razor, he can’t believe Steel hasn’t thrown a single punch this year.

It still freaks me out that Steel, according to Razor, ‘could beat the shit out of a giant,’ but he hasn’t. I’m guessing because of me. And I think it’s amazing that he hasn’t. It’s just proof of how much he cares, and how much he wants to be a better man because of me. It makes me all warm and fuzzy just thinking about it.

Razor starts the ride, and it doesn’t take long before it’s creaking around the track. I keep my eyes on Loosey Goosey, the pod the twins are in, and it’s spinning probably four times the rate of the others.

Sure enough, after a few minutes, flecks of puke spray from the twins’ pod. The sight makes my stomach turn, and I fight back retching.

“This better not turn into a barf-o-rama,” Razor says.

Steel laughs, “I’m outta here, it’s all your problem if it does.”

“Like fuck, at least get me the hose.”

Razor stops the ride, and I stand well out of the way while they unload it. Even where I am, the acrid smell of puke poisons the air.

They unload the twins last. It takes several minutes to unload and load the ride, and the twins must be desperate to get out of their little puke-coated cage.

“Oh, fuck,” Steel says, shielding his face with the crook of his arm in an exaggerated way. Both him and Razor mock puke, and walk away from the car while the twins get out.

Everyone in the line is either laughing or gagging at the puke-covered twins.

“I can’t even remember the last time we had a puker. You two sure ain’t tough. You want us to hose you down?” Steel says, laughing.

The twins don’t even look at him, instead they look like the walking dead as they make their way from the ride.

Razor turns on the hose and starts spraying out the pod.

Steel meshes his hand through mine, and says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

“I’ve lost my appetite, thanks.”

“It was worth it though, right?”

I chuckle and say, “Maybe. Those assholes had it coming.”

One

(Steel)

It’s the start of July, and we’re still in Mississippi. We’ve been weaving around, hitting all the little towns Papa Smurf arranged to get us a weekend in. It seems like we’re going to be in this sweat-box of a state all summer.

Emily doesn’t seem to mind though. Even after four months, she’s still fresh with the excitement of being in the carnival.

Cess says she’s a real natural at getting men to play their game. Can’t say I’m surprised one bit. She just has to flash that pretty smile and let her blue eyes twinkle, and they start digging into their pockets for a chance to impress her.

I’m lying in bed awake, coated in sweat even in the middle of the night. Emily’s beside me, sleeping on her back like a baby. Propping myself up on my elbows, I examine her.

All the curtains are wide open to let as much breeze through the open windows as possible. The light from outside outlines her face. I still can’t believe I wake up next to such a beautiful woman every day. More than that, I can’t believe I want to.

For the past nine months, I’ve had scantily dressed townies throwing themselves at me, begging me for a piece of action. The whole idea of touching someone else turns my stomach. I’m not interested. Not a single one has remotely tempted me.

No, this woman right here is the only one I want. The one who’s more than just a pretty face with crazy long legs I love feeling wrapped around me.

Unable to resist any longer, I brush my fingers down the side of her cheeks and along her neck. I bend down and kiss her forehead. Emily shifts her body, and half opens her eyes.

My intention wasn’t to wake her up, just touch her to make sure she’s real.

“What’re you doing?” She asks.

“Nothing. Just lying here and thinking about how lucky I am to have you next to me.”

Emily’s mouth turns up in a sleepy smile, her eyelids heavy.

“You just want sex.”

“I don’t. It’s too hot for that. It must be a hundred degrees in this tin can.”

“We should pay to get the air conditioning working.”

“Too expensive, we only do that if it goes up another twenty degrees.”

“Then go to sleep.”

I chew the inside of my lip, trying to find a way to tell what I can’t get out of my mind lately. I’m not good with this stuff, I’ve never had to deal with it, with feelings, before.

Lying flat, I wrap my arm over her and pull her tight to me. My heart’s hammering against my chest, but I’ve got to tell her. I have to.

“You’ve changed me, Goldie,” I say, forcing the words out my throat.

Emily’s eyes open, and she turns her head to look at me. In the dim light, our eyes lock together.

“How?” She says, her voice a whisper.

“In about every way possible,” I say and swallow.

“You’ve changed me, too,” she says. “I was such a little kid when you found me. Now I feel like a normal adult, one with an amazing man at my side.”

“I kind of feel like you did the same thing to me.” She has made me grow up. I’d never wanted to be an adult before. I only ever wanted to play at my job, my women, everything.

“It’s lots of fun living in this trailer with you. Even if it is an oven,” she says, all trace of sleepiness gone from her voice.

“Hope you don’t see this as slumming it.” Papa Smurf keeps warning me that rich girls like her go through a phase of playing poor with a man, out of curiosity and rebellion.

“What do you mean?” She asks.

“I mean, you’re not playing a game here or nothing. Playing at being poor for the summer, then go back to your nice, rich life afterwards.”

“This isn’t a game to me. This is real. Lying here with you, that’s definitely not slumming it by any definition of the world.”

“Most people would consider living in a tiny trailer and traveling with the carnival to be the definition of slumming it.”

“That’s because people are stupid. You just have to look at the ones forking out for games they can’t win on the midway to know that.”

“You know I’ll never be able to buy all that fancy stuff your parents have and you’re used to.” It kills me to think I could never give her everything she wants.

“If I’ve learned anything this summer, it’s that material stuff doesn’t matter. It was all just a way to mask an empty life. It wasn’t real the way you are.”

I ignore her comment. I have to say what I need to say before I chicken out again.

Clearing my throat, I say, “Since I met you, these thoughts and feelings keep percolating around in me, and I didn’t know what they were at first. That happens when you’ve had my life. But now I think I know what it is.” I’m halting and rambling, but the warmth of her eyes gives me the courage to carry on. “Goldie, I ain’t never said this to anyone before, but I think I love you. I’m sure of it, I love you.”

A tear trickles from her eye and across the bridge of her nose. She doesn’t say anything. Please don’t reject me. Maybe I should’ve kept my big mouth shut. My heart stops, waiting.

After an eternity, she says, “Since I met you, I realize how unhappy I was before. My life was suffocating.” Her voice breaks, and tears stream steadily from her eyes and onto the sheet. “You’ve given me so much, and you’ve made me feel loved — loved for who I am and not what I’m supposed to be. I could never express how grateful and lucky I am for your love. And I love you too, Steel. I love you for who you are, Kayden.”

She said my real name. It felt good. Emily’s words hit me and squeeze around my ribs, forcing my heart to beat again. I’d even say it’s beating different now than it did before. Thumping like each beat is full instead of it rattling around empty.

The idea had crossed my mind before, but now I want it. I need it.

“You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met,” I start, my words unsure, “I can’t imagine going another day of my whole life without seeing you.”

She swallows and starts, “Me…”

I interrupt her and carry on, “We have this thing at the carnival, a tradition. And you know us carnies, it’s what matters. Our tradition. It means more than those government rules. I’m a carny, and tradition matters a lot to me.”

“What are you saying?”

I take a deep breath to try to stop my rambling. “What I’m saying is, I want to marry you. Here in the carnival. In our tradition.”

“Are you serious?” She says, sitting up, turning her head to keep our eye contact.

“Yes. Of course.”

“What does your tradition mean?”

“It means you’d be my wife. Mine forever. Real as any wedding there is. So how about it? Emily, will you marry me?” I’ve never called her by her real name before, I hadn’t intended to, it just came out.

“Yes,” she pauses, “on one condition.”

My heart sinks into my gut.

“What’s that?”

“I can’t marry someone when I don’t know where he’s from.”

“Is that the only condition? That’s easy. I’m from Niagara Falls. You happy now? Because I don’t want you thinking I’m keeping secrets from you. You know me better than anyone in the world, who I really am, stuff that matters, not trivial things like where I’m from originally.” I wish she’d stop bringing up my past.

“Thank you,” she says, and flings her arms around me.

We hold each other tight, and I know she’s all I need. And I’m sure I’m all she needs.

“We have to get Papa Smurf’s blessing,” I say.

“Why?” She mutters, her face pressed against me.

“It’s the tradition. He gives his blessing, and performs the ceremony on the Ferris wheel. Three times around, and you’re mine forever.”

“That sounds fun,” she says.

“Promise me this isn’t a game to you. This is as real to me as any church wedding.”

“I promise. This is no game. I want to be in your arms, just like I am now, when I’m a little old lady.”

A lump the size of a basketball forms in my throat, and I squeeze her tighter.

Orgasmatron

(Emily)

It’s been two weeks since Steel proposed. And now we’re sitting in the car at the very top of the Ferris wheel, the very same one I was sitting in with Courtney and Maddie when he jumped into the car.

Cess decorated the car with pink and white streamers, twisting them up the bar in the middle and draping them around the umbrella roof.

She came with me to Walmart, and we found the pretty white dress I’m wearing now. It comes almost to my knees and has a full skirt and halter top. We even found a plastic tiara, and I’m wearing it now feeling like the princess my father always said I was.

I’m clutching a bunch of flowers that are tied together with a string. They’re colorful roses mixed with baby’s breath. Part of me didn’t want to spend the extra money to get roses, but they’re my favorite flower, and between my perfume and my tattoo, I didn’t want a different type of flower.

Steel is sitting beside me, in his old black jeans and a black dress shirt he bought just for today. He must be hot as hell, but he looks hot as hell so I can’t complain.

Papa Smurf is on the other seat, holding the rings in his fist and a piece of paper in the other.

“I’m going to say it again because I need to make sure you both realize how serious what you’re doing is. You don’t have to get married in a church. This is as real and as serious. Your vows are as real as saying them anywhere, because you’re saying them to each other, and you have to trust and be true to each other. Do you understand that?” Papa Smurf says.

“Yes,” Steel and I say.

Steel takes my hands, and we shift our attention from Papa Smurf to each other.

“Right then, Steel, do you want Goldie as your wife?” Papa Smurf asks.

“Absolutely,” Steel says.

“And Goldie, what about you? Do you want Steel as your husband?”

“I do,” I say.

In that case, we’re going to start the wheel. The ups and downs of this wheel represent the ups and downs you’ll face in your marriage. We’re going three times around, and either of you can have me stop the ride at any time. If neither of you stop the ride, and we go three times around, then you’ll be husband and wife.”

The idea of stopping the ride isn’t a consideration for me, and I’m positive it isn’t for Steel either.

The wheel starts up, and Steel pulls me close.

Into my ear so only I can hear, he says, “I’m going to give you one hell of a life, Goldie. I’ve known you’re all I need since the first night we met. I’m all yours. And you can hold me to that.”

My chin quivers, and I try not to cry. This wedding is serious to me. I can’t imagine my life anymore without Steel in it. This isn’t exactly how I imagined getting married, but it feels right. No, it feels better than right. It feels perfect.

I sink deeper into Steel’s arms as the wheels take us up and down.

“That’s twice around, you sure you don’t want to stop this thing?” Steel asks with a smile.

“No chance,” I say, my voice weak from choking back tears.

“Because once we’re married that’s it. We’re married forever.”

“What about you, are you going to stop it?”

“Are you kidding me? If the power blew right now, I’d make those fuckers down there turn it with their hands.”

I’d laugh, but there’s no trace of joking in his voice.

“I love you,” I say.

“And I love you,” he says, and we kiss.

“That’s it, three times around is done, you two are married,” Papa Smurf announces, taking us out of our own little world.

The wheel stops with our car at the bottom. Steel opens the door and takes my hand to lead me out.

All the carnies here have gathered, waiting at the wheel, and they cheer and clap us as we walk down the ramp. Steel’s arm is around me, pulling me along. My cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.

“You dog,” Razor yells.

“I’m the luckiest man alive,” Steel hollers back at him.

“Where are we going now?” I ask.

“On our honeymoon.”

I laugh. “And where do carnies go on their honeymoon?” I’d wonder if we’d go offsite to a motel for a few days, but I know better than that now.

“The Gravitron, baby,” he says, the seriousness he’s had all day now gone from his voice.

“Shut up! In there? I should’ve known.”

Steel laughs, “I’m going to sweep you off your feet.”

“Ha, four Gs of force and the ride’s the one that’s going to sweep me off my feet.”

“Not the way I’m going to.”

Arm in arm, we walk into the Gravitron. From his seat at the center console, Steel pushes the button that closes the door.

It’s dark, and he turns on the ride’s flashing lights and music, transforming the space into our own magical dance club.

“Scratch this,” he says, turning off the song.

He messes around with the controls and “Wild Horses” starts blasting through the speakers.

The ride isn’t moving yet. He hasn’t turned it on. Instead, he pulls me onto his lap.

Steel’s hand finds my knee, and moves up the outside of my thigh, moving the edge of my dress up with it. His hand comes to a rest on my upper thigh. He wraps his other arm around me, and rests his hand on my waist.

“You look beautiful in your wedding dress,” he says.

“Thanks,” I say, my cheeks flushed.

I don’t know why I’m blushing, since we’ve been together so long. Maybe because this is the first time we’ve been alone together since getting married. Everything feels new, fresh.

“I never thought I’d ever have a wife. I never thought I’d ever want a wife.”

“Well, I’m proud to be your wife, it’s an honor.”

His lips brush against mine, and I part my mouth wanting more. Our mouths lock in a slow kiss that fills my chest with tingling.

Steel breaks the kiss and says, “You hear that?”

“What”

“The song, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from you. That’s how I feel about you.”

Not sure whether or not to laugh, I bite my lip. But I can’t hide my smile. Everything he’s ever done has filled me up, and now I feel so full, I can’t believe there could ever be room for more.

I slide my fingers between the buttons of his shirt, trying to feel his hard chest muscles. He lets out a small grunt, and cups the back of my head, bringing my lips to his.

Our mouths crush against each other in a raw kiss that numbs my lips. Steel’s hand travels higher up my thigh and he rubs his fingers over the outside of my panties.

They’re already damp, wet for the excitement of knowing that I belong to him. I widen my legs for him as I work to undo the buttons of his shirt.

As our kiss continues, his dick grows hard and digs against my thigh. I’ve gotten his shirt all the way open now, and press my body up against his chiseled body.

He yanks his head back and, tugging at my dress, says, “Get this off.”

I hop off his lap, and pull the dress over my head. Steel makes a growl of approval, and I make a show of removing my bra.

Kicking off my shoes, I slide my panties down my legs, watching him watch me as I do. His eyes are fixed on my breasts, and the knowledge makes my nipples harden.

Standing, I shimmy my shoulders to shake my breasts for him.

Steel stands, and brushes his fingertips all over my body, coating my skin in goose bumps.

Leaning, he takes a nipple into his mouth and sucks hard. A twinge shoots from my nipple to my walls, and I swallow in anticipation.

I moan in protest as he steps back from me, removing his open shirt and stripping off his jeans and boxers. His erect cock stands in front of him, his pierced dragon ready for me.

He looks up, and before I can react, he sweeps me off my feet and carries me around the railing. We go several spots along before he puts me down, my back against one of the backrests.

Kissing down my body, he kneels in front of me and pushes my legs wider. Steel starts kissing and licking the insides of my thighs, gripping my ass with his hands. I press my head into the padded backrest and let the sensation of his touch take over.

His mouth reaches my mound and he flickers his tongue through my folds. The tip of his tongue circles in on my clit, making me gasp. My walls flood with anticipation.

Steel continues with his tongue, and my entire body is now tense with want. Want for my husband.

I moan and squirm from the intensity. He moves his hand, bringing his fingers to my entrance. Without pause, he pushes two thick fingers into me and presses against my most sensitive spot.

I scream in delight, but it gets lost in the pounding music. Steel puts his other hand on my belly to hold me in place. Even with his hand, my head and shoulders slump forward.

I’m on the edge, and tense with the need for release.

Steel stands and presses his body against mine, which straightens me up against the backrest. Steel kisses my neck, just like he did on that first night, and the ache for him between my legs becomes unbearable.

“Please,” I say, breathless.

Steel puts his lips to my ear, and in a low voice says, “Anything for you, Goldie. Wait here.”

He springs away, and my legs can barely hold my weight. He sprints to the booth in the center of the ride and leans over the control panel.

The ride starts, and Steel sprints back to my side.

“I’ve been dying to do this to you,” he says. “You’re going to be stuck against the wall and unable to move while I do whatever I want to you.”

Steel won’t be stuck from the g-force, as I’ve seen him dance and run around on the walls in here. He’s strong enough to do whatever he wants in here, and the idea of every single one of his muscles being flexed sends a rush of heat that pools between my legs.

We kiss, but it becomes too difficult for me to do. The speed of the ride has increased enough that the force pushes me against the backrest. The g-force has completely immobilized me against the backrest.

Kicking my feet apart, he spreads my legs wide. My feet aren’t touching the ground anymore.

His body is heavy against mine, pressing against me though he’s using his arms to keep from crushing me.

The tip of his cock is at my entrance, and as he pushes it into me, the entire backrest slides up, taking both of us off the ground. My slick walls clamp around him and somehow he’s able to thrust his hips into me.

I’m disoriented from the flashing lights, loud music and four Gs pressing against my body. The side of Steel’s head presses against mine. I’m dazzled, which clears everything from my mind.

It seems like my entire body is out of my control.

The only thing I’m aware of is the intensity radiating out from between my legs. All my muscles tense and my heart beats faster and faster. Steel continues thrusting into me, and after a moment I cry out in bliss as a tidal wave rips through me.

A moment later, Steel grunts loudly and his dick throbs against my walls.

The ride slows and the backrest slides down the wall. It comes to a stop, and both our chests heave. Steel’s skin is slick with sweat, and my own hair is damp with it.

“Welcome to married life, Goldie,” he says and kisses my cheek.

Rainbow in the Dark

(Steel)

It’s September, and it’s still hot as hell in Mississippi. I swear to God, I’m finding myself a carnival in Alaska next year.

Emily’s doing real well at the basket toss, getting guys to part with their money hand over fist. Next year, I’m sure Papa Smurf is going to give her her own booth. Then she’d be making some serious money and we’ll be able to pay for all the air conditioning we want.

It’s early morning, and I’m sitting on a lawn chair in front of our trailer drinking a coffee, enjoying the cool breeze before it turns into a furnace blast again. With Emily here, we almost never party late. We’d rather be alone in our trailer. Even when we’re not fucking.

Getting to sleep at a decent hour means we’re always up at a normal time. Usually eight, but sometimes earlier. I’ve realized how much I enjoy being up before everyone else, when the camp is nice and quiet.

I take a sip of my coffee, breathing the aroma through my nose as I drink. This is good. Life is good.

It’s Wednesday, we get the big rides put up today, and finish them off tomorrow and open the carnival Friday night.

Emily comes walking between the trailers, returning from the communal washrooms. She’s not watching where she’s going and narrowly misses the corner of a picnic table.

As she gets closer, the look on her face becomes clear. Her eyes are wide, but vacant, and her jaw is tight. Her fists are balled, and something is in one of them. I set down my coffee, jump up and go to her side.

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

She looks at me, her eyes boring into my face, and says, “I’m pregnant.”

Her words knock the wind out of me, and I feel like I’ve taken a cannonball to the gut. I can’t even find the way to say anything, and I stand there, feeling numb.

Emily carries on walking past me and straight into our trailer. My feet are frozen to the ground, and I can’t move. I stand here trying to digest what just happened.

How did this happen. I thought she was on the pill?

I take a deep breath and drag myself back to my lawn chair. I’m not proud, I feel like an asshole sitting here when I should be in there, holding her and telling her everything’s going to be okay.

But how can I say those things when I don’t know if it’s true or not. I mean, I can make a lot of things better, but I don’t know shit about babies. Or raising them. All I know is they sound expensive and money’s the one thing I don’t have heaps of.

“Fuck!” I yell into the air.

I force my sorry ass out of the chair. What kind of piece of shit am I, letting her walk into the trailer by herself? I open the door and walk in.

Emily’s lying on the bed, flat on her back and staring at the ceiling. I lie down on my side beside her, and put my arm around her. Her temples are stained with tears, and I kiss the one nearest me. As if that can make this better.

“I love you,” I say, my voice soft. “You need to know that. No matter what, I’ll always love you.”

She turns her head, and our eyes connect. Her eyes are glassy from tears, and she’s breathing hard through her mouth.

“I don’t know what to do,” she says, rolling onto her side to face me.

Taking her hand, I grip it in mine and hold it between us, in the space between our chests. The air hangs heavy for a moment, because I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t know what to do either. More importantly, I don’t know what she wants to do.

“Whatever happens, I’ll be here for you,” I say, forcing the words past the lump in my throat.

Her eyes shut and she starts crying hard, her entire body shaking with her sobs. I let go of her hand and press as much of my body against her as I can. We’re so tight together that my body moves with her sobs.

“How did this happen?” I ask, my voice low.

“I don’t know. Maybe getting the prescription a couple of days late last month?”

“Does two days matter that much?”

“What are you saying? You think I didn’t take the rest on purpose? I don’t want a baby, I just turned twenty-one.”

Jesus, I didn’t mean it that way.

“I’m not saying anything, just trying to understand is all.”

“Are you blaming me for this?”

I tilt her head and stare into her eyes.

“Absolutely not,” I say.

“Then what does it matter how it happened?”

“It doesn’t. I’m only trying to digest this. It’s a bit of a shock, you know?”

“I’m not ready for a baby,” she says, sniffling.

“It’s okay, Goldie. Everything will be okay,” I say, stroking her arm.

“You won’t leave me?” She asks, her voice halting and weak.

“You’re my wife, I ain’t ever leaving your side.”

“Promise you’ll never walk out on me and the baby?”

“I made that promise on our wedding day. There’s no way I’d ever walk away from the best woman in the world. Especially not if she’s the mother of my child.”

Emily leans into me, and we lie in each other’s arms in silence.

Is she going to leave me because I’ll never be able to give our baby the life she had growing up? It’s one thing for her to shun that ritzy lifestyle she’s used to, but will she think it’s good enough for her baby? My baby?

Shit, I never considered that before. What if Emily doesn’t think I’m good enough to be the father of her child? Maybe she won’t want me in her life anymore.

Our carny wedding on the Ferris wheel meant a hell of a lot to me, but I’m a carny, it’s my tradition. Not hers. It could all have been pretend in her mind.

What if she kicks me out of her life?

My mind’s racing now, and I can’t stop it. I hold her tighter, trying to calm myself.

“This is some pretty big news,” I say, “We don’t need to figure everything out right now.”

She doesn’t respond, instead she relaxes all her weight against me. I might be imaging things, but Emily’s not crying as hard and her breathing’s almost back to normal.

A baby in the carnival. Does she think that’s a good idea?

Hell, do I think it’s good idea for my baby? To grow up in a carnival, where the only people to play with are adults? Ones who are often either drunk or high?

I know what it’s like to grow up around booze and drugs. It’s not something I want for my own child.

Emily stays in the trailer all day, but I have to make sure the rides get put up safely. These assholes can’t handle one day without me, even though they might as well change my name to Zombie because that’s all the use I’m being.

All I can think of is a little me running around and my heart melts. Emily’s so kind and caring, she’s going to be the best mother ever.

And I sure as shit am not going to let her down. She deserves a husband who provides her and our baby the best life possible, and I’m going to make that happen. The baby may want for material shit, but no baby of mine is ever going to want for love of its father.

There’s no way I’m letting my baby grow up the way I did.

At three o’clock, I decide enough of this shit, I need to be with Emily. I stop by the carny cafeteria, and buy her a burger and fries.

“Hey, I brought you some food,” I say, entering the trailer.

She’s lying on the bed, and I wonder if she’s even moved all day. Emily sits up and swings her feet over the edge of the bed. I take a seat on the edge beside her.

“Thanks,” she says, and takes the fries from me.

I set the burger on the trailer’s little stove top. I rest my hand on her knee, wanting to do more but not sure what she wants me to do.

“How are you feeling?” I ask.

Emily looks at me, her face long, and says, “Scared.”

“Don’t be. I’ll take good care of you.”

“I think I need to leave the carnival.”

“I think we need to leave it. But not before the season finishes. If we screw the carnival, there ain’t no way Papa Smurf would welcome us back. Besides, that gives us a month to figure out what the fuck we’re doing.”

Wind of Change

(Emily)

It’s the end of October, and we left the carnival last weekend at a small town in the northwest corner of Mississippi. We gave Papa Smurf back the trailer, and headed straight over the Tennessee border to Memphis. We’re just over the border anyway, and Steel wanted to take me to Graceland.

They’re heading back south for a couple more dates in Louisiana, and Papa Smurf said he didn’t mind us leaving at all, given the circumstances.

Now we’ve been here three nights, and we’re sitting on the bed in our cheap motel figuring out our next move.

I figure I’m over two months now, and I still haven’t seen a doctor. Papa Smurf paid decent money, but he certainly didn’t provide any insurance benefits.

“Where do you want to live?” Steel asks.

We’d put our heads in the sand and avoided this question for the past month. Or maybe we’re each just trying to figure things out in our own heads.

“As far as I’m concerned, we should go where you can get a job you want,” I say.

“Well, as far as I’m concerned, we should go where is best for you and the baby. You don’t need to worry about me finding work. I don’t want you to be somewhere all alone during the day. What if something happened?”

This is new. He’s never raised that point before.

“What are you saying? All my family is around Colmar. We don’t want to go there, trust me.”

“Not there, but somewhere not too far away. Close enough where you friends or your mom or someone could come help you out or come in an emergency.”

“My mom?”

I haven’t even told my mom yet. I’ve been avoiding it, but maybe it’s time to tell her, regardless if we move back to North Carolina or not.

“Yes, my baby’s grandmother.”

“But she was so rude to you.”

“She can treat me however she wants, all I care about it how she treats my child, and you.”

“But…”

Steel interrupts me, and says, “Family is important to me. I never had one, and I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I want the baby to know what I never did. I never knew anything about my father. My mother ran away to Niagara Falls when she was pregnant, so I never met my grandparents. Hell, I don’t even know if I had any aunts or uncles. I don’t want that for my child.”

His words break my heart. I move close to Steel, and sit alongside him, pressing my body into him. He’s never told me any of this before, no matter how much I’ve tried to get him to open up about his past.

“You didn’t know your family?” I say, my voice low.

He doesn’t say anything.

“Why did your mother run away?”

“She never told me.”

I don’t know how else to ask this, I take a deep breath and blurt, “Is she still alive?”

“Don’t know. Don’t fucking care, either.”

“Don’t you want the baby to know her? After what you just said about family and all.”

“It’s different.”

“How? You ran away from your mom, I ran away from my parents.”

“I didn’t run away from her, I ran from my foster parents.”

“Oh, sorry, of course.” I feel like an idiot. I knew that, it just came out. His mother mustn’t have been a part of his life if he lived with foster parents.

“Did you live with your foster parents long?”

“Long enough to know I wanted out of there. Couple months.”

“I don’t want to go back to my parents.”

“We wouldn’t. We can live in Woburn or somewhere like that. We’d have our own place. That’s not going back to them.”

“But they were jerks.”

“You haven’t even spoken to them in over six months. How do you know what they’d be like now? They might’ve gotten over everything and are waiting for you to call.”

“Why are you defending them when they were so rude to you?”

“Because they might be a bit crazy, but they ain’t bad people.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, they aren’t criminals, they aren’t drug addicts. They’re judgmental and rude, but that’s not grounds for banishing their grandchild from knowing them.”

“You’re pretty forgiving,” I say, my voice steeped in sarcasm.

“It’s not for me, it’s for my baby.”

“Stop it!” I snap.

I don’t know why I snapped at him, hormones probably. All this talk about what he wants for the baby, but that clashes with what I want for me.

Steel puts his hand on my belly, and all the tension vanishes from me.

“I’ve never felt so lucky in my life,” he says, capturing my eyes in his. “At first I was freaked. But now I think that you carrying my child is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s also the most daunting, and I don’t want to fuck it up.”

“You really think it’s the best thing?”

“I know it is.”

I look away, breaking our eye contact. What he says makes sense. Life isn’t just about the two of us anymore. I have to think about the baby’s needs.

“Maybe.”

He kisses my cheek, and says, “Plus, we’re going to want the free babysitting, for all the times I want to take you back to the Motel 6 and fuck you senseless.”

Laughing, I say, “I’ll try calling my mom and see how she is.”

The minute the words leave my lips, my laughing stops and my chest fills with butterflies.

“Should I phone now?”

“No reason not to.”

The butterflies triple. I know. I fish out my phone and turn off the airplane mode. It’s the first time I’ve taken it off airplane mode since the day I arrived at the carnival. There wasn’t a need to call anyone there, we all lived and worked together. The only thing I used my phone for was playing Candy Crush.

It beeps and chimes and vibrates like crazy. The number eighty-two shows in the bubble on the messages symbol. Somehow I manage to pretend I didn’t see it, and scroll through my contacts. My thumb stops on Courtney, and I hit dial.

“Emily,” she shouts, her voice bursts out the earpiece on my phone.

“Hey, how are you?”

“How am I? How are you, Emily?”

“I’m good. Really good.”

“And Steel?”

“Yeah, he’s great too.” I look at Steel and shrug.

“You’re still together?”

“Absolutely.”

“Where are you?”

“Is this twenty questions?”

“Are you kidding me, you took off in the night months ago, and you don’t think I have some questions?”

“Fine, but I need to ask some first, then I’ll be able to tell you what’s going on.”

“What’s going on?”

“I said I’d tell you after.”

“What do you want to know? How berserk your parents went after you left?”

“Have they calmed down?”

“I don’t know. They stopped talking to a lot of people. All the gossip was about you and they got tired of listening to it.”

That’s hardly surprising.

“Because they disagreed with it?”

“No idea. I saw your brothers at this year’s carnival and asked how your parents were doing. They said your parents are heartbroken.”

“That could mean a lot of things. Like they’re heartbroken because they miss their daughter, or because their daughter ruined their reputations.”

“I wish I could tell you. Why call now anyway? Everything okay?”

“Yeah, um, if I tell you you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

“Of course. I’m no gossip, you know I hate that about this town as much as you.”

“I’m pregnant.”

Courtney gasps. “No,” she says.

“Yes, and Steel and I got married.”

“Holy crap, I can’t believe all this.”

“Believe it, it’s true. We’re thinking about moving back to the area, for the sake of the baby, but I’m trying to get a sense of how my parents would react.”

“I’m sure they’d rather have you here than somewhere else. Especially if you have a baby.”

“That’s me. What about Steel? Because he’s never leaving me, and if they can’t accept that, then there’s no point in me moving back.”

“What do you want, me to ask around or anything?”

I sigh. “No, I’ll phone.”

Into the Void

(Steel)

We left Memphis a couple days ago. For the past two nights, we’ve been staying at a cheap motel in the Cherokee National Forest. It’s real pretty here, and I’ve taken Emily hiking.

She still hasn’t phoned her parents.

The idea was that we’d leave Memphis and go back to Woburn. We can meet with her parents there on neutral territory. The problem is, she hasn’t phoned them yet. Which is why we stayed in the forest a second night.

Now I’ve told her not to phone at all until we get there. If she phones now and they freak, she won’t want to go back to the area at all. And I want my baby to have a family.

“Ready?” I say, holding open the passenger car door for her.

“As I’ll ever be,” she says and gets into the car.

I take her hand and bring it to my lips. “You got nothing to be nervous about. You want to move to be near family with your husband and soon-to-be baby.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Why? What do you think’s going to happen? That they’ll lock you in your room again like a little kid?”

“No. Yes. If they could, I’m sure they would.”

“That ain’t going to happen, Goldie. I’ll bet they’ve grown up since you’ve been gone.”

We drive the next five hours, talking about all sorts of things, but avoiding the issue of her parents.

Mostly, I’m wondering how I’m ever going to get a regular job. How can I?

“I think we should get married for real,” I say.

“We are,” she says.

“I mean in the eyes of the law.”

Emily turns her head, and after we pass a semi, I glance at her.

“You’re right,” she says.

“Awesome,” I say.

I flash her my smile, and rub her thigh. I never thought I’d ever suggest a legal marriage, but then I never thought I’d be living outside the carnival. I’ve got to do this right for my kid, and right now, it’s the only way I can figure to be able to get a good enough job.

When we arrive in Woburn, I drive straight to the Motel 6. We check in, and out of pure coincidence, we’re given the same room I stayed in all those months ago. The familiarity is nice, and it almost feels like coming home to me.

We unload our stuff, and watch TV for a bit. Emily finally seems like she’s relaxed. Her phone is on the bedside table, ignored.

“You can’t keep avoiding this, Goldie. You might as well get it over with.”

“I just need some time to figure out what I’m going to say.”

“You had days for that.”

“Well, I need more.”

“Fine. Let’s go out and get something to eat.”

I don’t want anything to eat, I just want her in the car. Following road signs, I drive to Colmar.

“What are you doing?” She asks, anger in her voice.

“The phone just isn’t working. So we’re going to see them in person.”

“What the fuck? No way.”

“Yes, way.”

“What happened to seeing them on neutral territory?”

“It doesn’t matter where we see them, I’ll be standing beside you.”

Emily flings her head back against the headrest but does nothing to try to stop me from going to Colmar. I’m still going to need her to tell me how to drive to her parents’ house though.

I don’t say anything else, and we drive in silence. I want her to prepare herself for this.

It’s late Sunday afternoon, and I’m counting on her parents being home. Though maybe it’s better if it’s just her mother.

To my surprise, she directs me to her parents’ house without hesitating.

It’s huge, with a big, white veranda around it. I put the car in park, and get out. Emily gets out and walks straight to the front door. She knocks.

“It feels weird knocking on the door of my own house,” Emily says.

“You don’t live here anymore, remember?”

“I know, but…”

The door opens wide, and her mother stands in the doorframe, her mouth wide open.

“Who is it, Carol?” a voice asks from down the hallway.

“Hi, Dad,” Emily shouts.

“Emily,” he says, rushing to the door.

Her mother smiles and steps aside, saying, “Come in, come in. I’m so glad you’re here.”

Emily goes through the door, and I take a step to follow her.

“You’re not welcome in this house,” her father says, pointing at me.

“In that case, neither am I,” Emily says, reaching for my hand.

“Greg, you said you wouldn’t be like this if she came back. Remember?” Her mother says, her voice a hiss.

“Emily wanted to meet on neutral ground, but I insisted her parents would be nice to her if she came here. Maybe I was wrong?” I say, cocking my head at her father.

“Of course, come in. I’ll make coffee,” her mother says. She turns to me and asks, “Do you drink coffee?”

What am I? An alien?

“Yes, coffee sounds good to me,” I say.

I follow the three of them into the house, Emily leading me by the hand. Damn, I knew her parents were rich, but this house is something else. It looks like it’s from the pages of a fancy magazine. The rooms are enormous, and all the furniture looks like it was made for a palace.

We enter into a bright room, with a huge kitchen at one end, dining table in the far corner, and a sofa area near us. Her mother goes straight to the kitchen area and begins making coffee. I follow Emily and her father to the breakfast table.

As soon as the three of us are sitting down, her father asks, “Where have you been all this time?”

“In the carnival,” Emily says.

Greg sucks air through his nose, and I prepare for his reaction.

After a few breaths, he asks, “What’s the matter, the carnival’s finished for the winter, so you’ve come looking for a free place to stay, or have you come to your senses?”

“Neither,” Emily says.

“Greg!” Carol exclaims from the kitchen.

“Neither? You’re just passing through town?” Greg asks. I hope I’m imagining the hopefulness in his voice.

“It’s certainly sounding like you hope that’s all we’re doing,” Emily says.

There’s a crash in the kitchen area, and Carol rushes to the table.

“Honey, Emily, you just ignore him. All that matters is you’re home and you’re safe,” she says, draping her arms around Emily from behind her chair.

“Mom, sit down. I have to say this and get it out of the way, and you can freak all you want. Steel and I got married.”

Carol gasps and covers her mouth.

“And we’re having a baby.”

“Jesus Christ!” Greg says.

“Greg, watch your language,” Carol says, her voice breaking. The coffee is forgotten, along with the shattered mug, and she sits at the table.

“How could you let this happen?” Greg asks Emily.

“Look, it wasn’t planned, or nothing,” I say.

“At least you did the honest thing, and got married. Even though I didn’t get to be at my baby’s wedding,” Carol says, unable to control her tears.

“We got married before it happened,” Emily says, her voice calm.

“You what?” Carol says, wiping her cheeks.

“We got married in July,” I say, sitting straight.

“Where? In Las Vegas?” Greg asks.

“No, in the carnival,” Emily says.

“The carnival? What kind of marriage is that?” Greg says.

“It’s carny tradition,” Emily says.

“So you’re not really married,” Greg says.

“As far as I’m concerned, we are. But we also plan to make it legal,” I say.

When we make it legal, I’ll be able to get a good job, and support them.

Home Sweet Home

(Emily)

“We don’t want a big wedding, just to go and sign the papers,” I say.

I always thought I’d wanted a big wedding, but now it doesn’t even matter at all. Steel and I have already had my wedding, now it’s only about the paperwork.

“Whatever you want, Emily. I’m just happy to have you back,” my mom says. She reaches across the table and pats my hand.

“Thanks, Mom. I was really worried you’d never forgive me. But Steel said you would. He said it was important for me to have your help and support when the baby comes, and that he wants the baby to know its family,” I say, blurting out everything that’s been balled up in me.

“Coming back was Steel’s idea?” She says, her brow creased.

“Do we have to call him Steel?” my dad says into the air.

“You can call me Kayden if you want, but I can’t guarantee I’ll realize you’re talking to me,” Steel says.

Kayden. I don’t think I could ever get used to calling him that. But I like it, it’s a good name. A strong name, just like him.

“And, Kayden, you don’t have a job yet? To care for my grandchild?” my dad asks.

“Not yet, we only got here this afternoon,” Steel says.

“Where are you staying, Emily?” my mom asks.

“At a motel in Woburn. We’re still deciding which town to move to permanently,” I say.

“You should stay here with us while you’re figuring things out. There’s no point wasting your money on a hotel,” my mom says.

I look straight at my dad, and say, “I didn’t think we’d be welcome here.”

“Greg,” my mother says in her sternest voice, “they’d be welcome here, wouldn’t they?”

My fingers are laced through Steel’s, and I examine them. My hand is rough from the months spent putting up and taking down Cess’ booth. I used to always have long nails, polished during my regular manicures. Now my nails are jagged. Even after finishing the carnival a week ago, a layer of dirt is still stuck underneath them.

“I said, wouldn’t they, Greg,” my mother repeats.

I don’t know what to say now. I’m not even sure what to say if my father invites us. Would Steel want to stay here? Would I?

“I’m not sure we know enough about Kayden to welcome him into our house,” my father says.

My mother lowers her voice, and leans into my father, but I can still hear her say, “What do you mean? He’s the father of our grandchild.”

“What do you want to know, Dad? I’m not saying we want to stay here anyway, but whatever it is you want to know, you go ahead and ask.”

My father clears his throat, and says, “For starters, Kayden, why do you have a neck tattoo? Are you in a gang?”

Steel screws up his face, and says, “No, I ain’t in a gang. I’m from the carnival.”

“Then why?” my dad asks.

“Come on, Dad, get with the times. Lots of people have neck tattoos now,” I say.

“Not ones with decent jobs,” my dad says.

“Sure they do. But it doesn’t matter anyway, because you’ve answered my question — we wouldn’t be welcome here.”

“Anyway, Kayden,” my father says, ignoring me, “What type of job are you looking for?”

“I’m good with my hands, strong, and work hard. I’m not too worried about finding something,” Steel says, gripping my hand tightly.

“Funny, I hear that a lot in hiring, and it always ends up to be the opposite,” my dad says.

“I’ve held down the same job for ten years, I worked my way up to ride foreman. Ain’t no way Papa Smurf would’ve kept me around if I wasn’t a hard worker,” Steel says. There’s fire in his voice and he squeezes my hand tighter still.

My dad laughs. “Papa Smurf?” He says, scoffing.

“He’s the carnival owner,” I say.

“And he’s a real hard-ass to work for. If I can last with him, I can survive anywhere.”

“So you’re prepared to work and provide for this baby?”

“Of course I am, I already said that,” Steel says.

“I know you said it, but do you mean it?” My dad says, raising his voice.

“I’m here ain’t I? I would’ve stayed with the carnival if I wasn’t serious.” Steel turns to me, and says, “Maybe we should’ve raised the baby in the carnival, we’d get less shit there.”

I flinch at his words, and my mother whimpers.

“You know you don’t mean that,” I say, my voice strained. I glare at my father. “I already told you, Dad, it was Steel’s idea to come here. Remember?”

No one says anything. All the air in the room hangs with the tension. My heart is speeding in my chest, but I refuse to let my father get to me.

Finally, my mother breaks the silence and says, “Emily, you and Kayden are welcome in my house any time. If you say he’s a good man, I trust your judgment.”

I look at Steel and catch his eyes. Blinking back tears, I say, “He is a good man. The best.”

My mother’s never seemed to trust my judgment at anything I’ve ever done. Maybe she’s finally accepted that I’m grown up. And not an idiot.

“I’ll tell you what. Just to make my daughter happy,” my father says, his eyes burning into me, “you come down to the dealership in Woburn tomorrow. If you’re a hard worker like you say you are, I’ll find something for you.”

Steel glances at me, his mouth a tight line, and says, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“What? I’ve just sat here and offered you a job, and you’re turning it down? You just said you were hard working,” my dad says.

“I can find something myself,” Steel says. His leg jiggles under the table, and I can see the tension in his neck.

“Unbelievable, Carol,” my dad says, looking at my mom and shaking his head.

“Dad,” I say, widening my eyes.

He looks at Steel, tilts his head, and says, “You could at least take it until you find something else.”

Steel doesn’t respond, and my breathing stops, waiting for something to happen.

“Goldie, can I talk to you for a minute?” Steel asks, his voice pleading.

“Okay,” I say, my brow furrowed.

I stand, and lead him by the hand to the den. The room is far away from the breakfast area, but I shut the door anyway.

“What is it?” I ask.

Steel’s breathing is fast, he closes his eyes and says, “I don’t got no social security number.”

“So, we can apply for one, it’s no big deal. My father doesn’t have to know you were paid cash all these years.”

“No, Goldie. You don’t understand.” He turns and walks to the window, staring out at the vast lawn.

His actions, with both my father and now, have my insides filled with butterflies. I wait for him to tell me what’s going on. But he doesn’t say anything.

“Are you going to tell me why, so I do understand?”

He spins back, his eyes sunken but his stance strong.

“I’m going to tell you, because you’re my wife, and deserve to know. But I don’t know what to do about telling your parents.”

“I don’t understand. Oh my God, are you an ex-con?”

“It’s not that.”

“But are you one?”

“Listen to me, I can’t get a social security card because I don’t have a Green Card.”

“Green Card? Those are for foreigners.”

This makes no sense.

Symphony of Destruction

(Steel)

“You know I said I’m from Niagara Falls?”

“Yeah,” Emily says, her brow still creased.

Why the fuck didn’t I tell her this from the day I met her? And now, how am I supposed to explain lying to her all this time?

“Steel, what’s going on?”

“I’m from the Canadian side.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Emily barks. She almost never swears. Not the f-bomb anyway.

“I’m Canadian. I’m not American.”

“All those times I asked you what state you were from, and you didn’t tell me you weren’t even from the country? Why?”

“Dunno.” Emily’s face turns from confusion to anger, so I continue. “I mean, I do know. I told someone before. We hooked up for a bit, and when things didn’t go the way she wanted them to, she tried to get me deported. She told the law everything she knew about me, and she didn’t make me sound too good, you know? I spent the rest of the summer hiding and shitting myself with the Mexican carnies whenever immigration enforcement officers came nosing around. It’s a horrible way to live.”

“I can imagine. I’ve seen those raids, remember? But why not tell me? Especially when you proposed.”

“I don’t have an answer for that. All I’ve ever wanted to do is leave my past behind, all that matters to me is my future with you.”

Emily’s mouth is a tight line, and she crosses her arms in front of her. I draw her into me, her arms between our bodies. The comfortable feeling of having Emily in my arms calms me.

“I love you,” I say into her ear.

After a minute, Emily’s breathing slows and she unfolds her arms, sliding them up my back.

“I can’t be mad at you for being Canadian. That’s just weird. But I’m still pissed about the lie.”

“I know, you have every right to be.”

“But I’m not pissed enough to end this, to kick out the father of my child.”

“And your husband,” I add.

“If we weren’t here, in my parents’ house, I’d be screaming and yelling at you right now.”

“Guess this was a good time to tell you, then.”

“Dick,” she snaps.

“Sorry,” I say, giving her a squeeze.

“Not sorry enough.” Emily tries to pull away from me, but I don’t let go.

“What are we going to do about this job your dad wants me to do in the morning?”

“I don’t know. I don’t even know what we’re supposed to do about any job.”

“There are lots of cash jobs for muscle.”

Emily pushes back from me, the anger back in her eyes, and says, “Yeah, but that’s not exactly the kind of financially secure job you want with a baby, is it? Was that really your plan, to do illegal jobs forever?”

“No, that wasn’t my plan. All we have to do is get married, and then I can get a Green Card. It’s easy.” I hope. I didn’t really have a plan.

“So that’s what we’ll tell my parents.”

“How will they react?” I ask.

“My dad will understand.”

“No offense, he isn’t really the understanding type. I don’t want him to have me deported,” I say, ruffling my hair.

“If he does, I’m going with you.”

Emily’s words relax me, and I realize everything is going to be okay. She’s what matters, our baby is what matters, everything else is just details.

“Might as well get this over with, then,” I say and take her hands.

We walk back to the kitchen. Her parents are talking in hushed tones, but stop as soon as they notice us.

“So, what is it, Kayden? Are you going to man up and come to work in the morning?” Greg says.

Emily laces her hand through mine and says, “Daddy, Steel is Canadian. He doesn’t have a social security number.”

Greg leans back in his chair, and his arms fall to his sides.

“What does that mean?” Carol asks.

“It’s means he’s here illegally,” Greg says.

“Illegally? Emily, did you know about this?” Carol asks.

“Yes,” Emily says, and my chest bursts.

“I oughta have you deported.”

“Then I’d go with him. With the baby.”

“You can’t do that, Greg. There’s no reason for that,” Carol says, her eyes narrowed.

I can tell Greg thinks getting me away from his daughter is the best reason there is. He’d better realize how serious Emily is about leaving with me.

“It’s fine, Dad, when we get married, Steel will be able to get a Green Card.”

“I’m not sure it’s that easy. Have you looked into it?” Greg asks.

Emily looks at me and cocks her head.

“Not yet,” I answer.

“Well, at least I know you’re not marrying her just to make your stay legal,” Greg says.

“I’ve been in the country ten years, that’s definitely not the reason,” I say.

“Ten years,” Greg says, his teeth gritted.

“Can’t you do anything to help them? You must know someone,” Carol says.

Greg blows the air out of his mouth and thinks. At least it doesn’t seem like he’s going to deport me.

“You two have sure come in here and dropped a ton of bombshells today,” Greg says.

“We didn’t have to come here at all,” Emily says.

“We came because it’s important for the baby to have family, and for Emily to have support,” I say, repeating myself.

After a moment, Greg says, “Let me phone Rob. He’s an immigration lawyer I know from the Lions Club.”

“Thank you,” Carol says.

The three of us watch while Greg takes out his cell phone and scrolls through his contacts. He pushes dial, and moves to stand. Carol grabs his arm, and drags him back into his chair.

“Hey, Rob,” Greg says.

The three of us listen to his description of the problem, and watch his face fall as he listens to the answer.

“Can I put you on speaker phone? They’re here, and it’d be good if you can tell them,” Greg asks.

He puts the phone on speaker and sets it in the middle of the table.

“Hi, Rob,” Emily says.

“Hello,” Rob says.

“So, you were saying?” Greg says.

“Yes, Emily, you have to apply for a K-1 visa. Kayden, you can’t be in the country when she applies, and won’t be able to visit the country until it’s granted.”

“How long does that take?” I ask.

“Months. Six if you’re lucky, most likely longer,” Rob says.

It’s a blow to my stomach. How the hell are we going to do that? I’d miss seeing her belly grow with my baby. Worst of all, would I even be able to get back in time for the birth?

“What if we go get married now in Vegas?” I ask.

“Then it’ll take longer for everything,” Rob says.

“That’s just not possible, Rob. It’s too long,” Carol says.

“Sorry, Carol. That’s just the way it is,” Rob says.

“There must be another way,” Carol says, pleading.

I can’t believe her mother is fighting my case so strongly for me.

“Well, there might be. Depending on how things are with you. I’ve never met you Kayden, and I don’t know what your means or plans are. But it’s possible to get an E-2 visa in one or two months,” Rob says.

I sit taller in my chair, and ask, “How do I do that?”

“It’s only for people who are business investors. You have to buy or start a business here, with a substantial investment. At least two hundred thousand.”

“And that’s the only way?” I say, slumping in my chair again.

“Afraid so. Those are the only two options,” Rob says.

I wonder if it’s easier to get a Canadian visa for Emily. We could go build a life there.

The Big Money

(Emily)

My dad hangs up and puts the phone back in his pocket.

“Dad, you have to let Steel have a dealership,” I say.

“What?” my dad blurts.

“But it’s only fair. You’re giving one to each of my brothers, I should get one too.”

“But it would be in Steel’s name, not yours.”

“It wouldn’t matter, we’d be married. Plus it would solve two problems, the visa and the job,” I say.

“How does it solve the job? You’re going to have the owner being the guy detailing the cars?” my dad says.

“No, Steel can sell,” I say. So can I, but I’ll leave that for another day.

“That’s ridiculous,” my dad says.

Steel clears his throat, and says, “A carny can sell anything to anyone.”

“Fleecing them on a fixed game is a little different from selling cars,” my dad says.

“Are you sure about that?” Steel asks, his eyebrow arched.

“Besides, no one in their right mind is going to buy a car from a salesman with a neck tattoo,” my dad says.

“Don’t you sell any sports cars?” Steel asks.

“Of course. I’ve got a few Chevy dealerships that sell sports cars. What does that matter?”

“Because I bet those customers wish they were rebels. They don’t want to buy a sports car from some nerdy car salesman who smells like cabbage. They want to buy from someone like me, a bad ass with a neck tattoo, so they can imagine they’re one too. They want to be me, so they’ll buy a car from me.”

Suddenly, a belly laugh erupts from my dad, and he tilts his chair back as he laughs.

“That’s a great idea,” I say, squeezing Steel’s hand.

“It’s a pipe dream,” my dad says, wiping the tears from his face.

“Let me prove it. Tomorrow. You put me in your dealership, and if I sell one car, we have a deal,” Steel says.

Through his laughing, my father says, “Tell you what, since there’s no way in hell you’re going to be able to sell a car tomorrow, I’ll take you up on that deal. You sell a car, I’ll give you the quarter of a million to fund your own dealership.”

“You’d better honor that promise when Steel sells a car,” I say. I can’t believe what an asshole my father is being. If we were in the carnival, I’d stick him in the Loosey Goosey.

“If Steel sells a car, I’ll give you a dealership, and a house.”

“Greg, there’s no need to be rude,” my mom says.

“All I’m asking for is a shot, is all,” Steel says, flicking his hand in the air.

“Even if you sell ten cars, you still have to go back to Canada for two months to get the visa,” my dad says.

“That’s fine. We’ll go together, right, Steel?” I say, looking at him.

“You know I want to show you Niagara Falls,” he says, his blue eyes sparkling.

“Perfect. It’s going to be fun,” I say.

There’s no doubt in my mind that Steel will be successful. He can do anything.

“Wait a second, Emily, don’t go getting your hopes up. He has to sell a car first, and there’s not much chance of even my best salesman selling a car on a customer’s first visit to the lot.”

“So then give him more time,” I say.

“You know I can’t do that. I’m not risking having an illegal worker there for more than a day. You’re lucky I’m giving you anything at all.”

If Steel can’t sell a car tomorrow, my baby is going to be born in Canada. There’s no way I can get through this pregnancy and birth without Steel. Besides, I’m not about to live by myself in Woburn, and all the gossip in town would be about how a carny knocked me up and abandoned me. I’m not staying here and listening to that.

* * *

It’s after eight, and I’m lying on the bed in the Motel 6. Steel didn’t want me at the dealership with him, and neither did my father.

I dropped him off at the Woburn Chevy dealership at eight thirty this morning, and haven’t heard from him since. Steel has an idea he’ll sell a shiny, new Corvette, but my dad said he’d give him a dealership if he managed to sell anything, even if it’s the cheapest used car on the lot.

He’s wearing his black jeans, and the black buttoned shirt he bought for our wedding. All the other salesmen always wear suits, or at least suit pants and dress shirts and he thought he should at least try to look like he works there. Though I did noticed he shoved in his Metallica T-shirt in his backpack that he took with him.

My mother and I hung out at the mall for a while this afternoon. We bought baby books, and looked at baby clothes. It’s the first time I’ve allowed myself to think about the fun side of babies, and we had a good time.

We even grabbed an early dinner in the food court before I came back here.

It’s kind of freaky. She’s treating me completely differently now. She hasn’t once tried to tell me what to do, or even implied I don’t know what I’m doing.

My mom has been strangely intrigued by my time in the carnival, and yelped in excitement when I told her about the Ferris wheel wedding. Though I left out the Gravitron.

The change in her is shocking, but Steel was certainly right when he predicted it. I only hope he’s getting along okay under my father’s glare.

My phone hasn’t beeped all day, and I check it again to make sure the sound is on.

I get off the bed, grab a wrapped glass from the shelf, and walk to the bathroom. The tap is stiff, so I fill it from the bathtub faucet.

Taking a sip, I sit on the end of the bed and switch on the TV. There’s nothing on, so I flip through the channels. It’s amazing how long you can flick for, especially when you’re trying not to think about things.

I manage to watch an entire episode of Seinfeld on some high-numbered channel.

It’s now nine o’clock, and I can’t take it any longer. I thought Steel would’ve been home hours ago. He’s been there almost thirteen hours now.

The pit in my stomach is telling me one thing, the thing I’ve been trying to not face all evening. Steel must not have sold anything, and is refusing to leave until the minute they close.

Are you coming back?

A moment later, my phone rings. It’s Steel.

“Hey,” I say.

“Goldie,” he says. There’s a lot of noise in the background, and it’s difficult to hear him.

“Is everything okay? Are you coming home,” I can’t resist any longer. “Did you sell a car?”

The only sound is of the busy bar.

“Steel?”

“No, I didn’t sell a car.”

The way he said ‘a’ gives me hope, though I might’ve misheard through the noise.

“Did you sell two?”

“I didn’t sell any cars. No one wanted to buy a car from me.”

The pit in my stomach grows bigger. I guess my baby’s going to be Canadian.

“Well, you tried,” I say, my voice flat.

“But I sold two pick-ups!”

“Shut up!” I squeal.

“Yeah, turns out the guys buying pick-ups like to see themselves as bad asses too. And there are a lot more people buying pick-ups than sports cars.”

“Holy shit, what did my dad do?”

“He was gone when I sold the first one. But he saw the whole second one, and we’ve been here celebrating at the bar ever since.”

“What the fuck? You didn’t think you should tell me? I’ve been sitting here going out of my mind.”

“Sorry, babe. We’re just trying to figure out the money side with Rob.”

“He’s there too?” Unbelievable. Why am I the last to know?

“He only got here after dinner.”

“You had dinner with my dad?”

“We shared a mountain of suicide wings.”

I give my head a shake to make sure I’m not imagining things. Steel and my dad getting along?

“I can’t believe it. Am I hearing you right?”

“Everything’s good. Your dad’s actually a pretty good guy, once you get to know him.”

“What about his precious reputation?”

“He says once his buddies at the Lions Club all meet me, they’ll love me.”

Figures his reputation matters in context to his friends.

“Let me guess, you two bonded over beer.”

“Beer and the smell of success,” Steel says, laughing.

“Does this mean we’re going to Canada for two months?” I’ve never been to Canada before, and it sounds like another fun adventure — now that I know I’m coming back afterwards. Even though I’ll be five months pregnant when we get back.

“It most certainly does.”

A Touch of Evil

(Steel)

It’s the end of November, and it’s been a few weeks since I sold the trucks. Carol begged us to stay for Thanksgiving plus Emily had to have some baby scans and things before we left, and Greg and I had to get all the business plan and all this other paperwork shit in order. I don’t know anything about paperwork, I just signed where they told me.

They had to create some whole back story on where I got the money from, and why I don’t have a record of having a job in either Canada or the States over the past ten years.

I don’t know what they came up with. Something about working in some Central American country that doesn’t share tax info with anyone.

Emily’s brothers are great about welcoming me, but I can’t say the same for the townies. They aren’t being vicious, from what I can tell. It’s more that their mouths can’t stop flapping about the most exciting thing that’s ever happened in the town — me.

Now we’re in Niagara Falls. Emily and I drove up, so we’d have a car. It’s only a twelve-hour drive anyway. North Carolina seems to be a day away from everywhere.

We crossed in Buffalo, because I wanted to be able to see the look on her face the first time she saw the Falls.

Now we’re sitting in our one-bedroom hotel suite at the Marriott, the fucking Marriott. Who would’ve thought I’d be staying anywhere so swanky? We even have a whirlpool and a fireplace. Emily’s parents insisted we stay somewhere nice and paid for it. Said this was a gift from them and to think of it as our honeymoon.

We’re on a high floor, and have a big floor-to-ceiling window overlooking the edge of the Falls, and Emily can’t pull herself away from the window. She’s standing with her forehead pressed against it, staring at the plummeting water.

How long is she going to stand like that for?

“I can’t believe how awesome this is,” she says, her breath fogging the window.

“So you keep saying,” I say, flipping through channels. It’s been so long since I’ve seen Canadian TV, I barely remember it.

“I can’t believe you grew up with this in your town.”

“Yeah, I was more interested in the fun houses on Clifton Hill.”

“Huh?” She doesn’t look away from the window.

“All the touristy shit. Like Ripley’s.”

“I don’t know how you bothered with stuff like that when you had this.”

“This isn’t the most impressive. If the visa takes longer, we’ll be here in January. That’s when it’s most amazing, when there are big chunks of ice and stuff in the river.”

A shiver runs across her shoulders, and she says, “Sounds cold.”

“Fucking cold. Hopefully the visa comes before Christmas so we don’t need to buy parkas and snow boots. But if we do, you’ll really never move away from the window.”

Emily doesn’t respond, instead she resumes her trance. I keep flipping through the channels, stopping only to watch the commercials and news updates so I can hear the accent.

Without moving her head, she says, “We should find your mother while we’re here.”

“No, we most definitely should not,” I say.

“Of course we should, the baby has a right to know her.”

I lose interest in the TV real fast, and turn it off. Silence fills the room, and I let it hang there while I choose my words.

“No,” I say.

“Are you ever going to tell me why not? I know you lived with a foster family, but it doesn’t sound like for very long, from what you’ve told me before. Were there other foster families?”

“Nope,” I say, my voice quieter this time. I want her to drop the subject. Even though I know it’s going to keep coming up.

“Why do you keep hiding stuff from me? You wouldn’t tell me where you were from, that you weren’t even American. You won’t tell me anything about your mother, or your childhood. I need something, because right now, it feels like you’re keeping secrets from me.” Emily’s eyes stay fixed on the water as she speaks, but her words are strong.

“I’m not hiding anything. I just don’t like to think about it. She was an alcoholic and an addict, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” I snap.

Emily flinches, and her eyes close but she still doesn’t move from the window.

She swallows, and with her eyes closed says, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, just drop it.”

I pick up the remote to turn the TV back on, when she opens her eyes and spins to face me.

“Why don’t you trust me enough to tell me these things?” She asks, her eyes burning into me.

“That’s not true.”

“Of course it is, or you wouldn’t keep hiding things from me.”

“I’m not hiding anything.”

“Your past? You’re not hiding that? Because if you weren’t, we wouldn’t be having this discussion right now. Because I’d know what it was.”

The heat and intensity of her eyes weigh down on me. Maybe it was a bad idea to bring her to Niagara Falls. It’s got her thinking too much. In North Carolina, it was out of sight, out of mind. She didn’t have much reason to think about my past.

Unlike now, standing there, wondering what it was like to grow up with the Falls at the end of the street.

“Fine, you want to know so bad? She had a revolving door of abusive men in her life, she finally married the worst one of all. And one day I realized I’d grown, and was bigger than him. So the next time he hit her, I beat the fucking shit out of him.”

“You beat him up,” she states, staring down at me, her eyes narrowed.

“Pulverized him. He was in the hospital forever.”

“Did you get in trouble with the police?”

“Of course. Spent the next three years in juvie.”

“But… you were defending your mother.”

“She testified against me at the trial. Said I was the threat in the house, not her dickhead husband, and that I’d done it before. When I got out, I lived with the foster family because she was still married to him,” Anger seethes in my voice at the memory.

“Were you the threat in the house? Did you do it before?”

“What? No, I never did it before. I wasn’t the fucking threat in the house. She was. She’d rather marry a guy who beat her up in exchange for a fix. To be honest, I don’t even think they noticed me.”

“You’re sure?”

“They might’ve, I don’t know. It sure didn’t seem like it at the time.”

“No. I mean, you’re sure you weren’t the threat in the house? You’re sure you’ve never done it before then.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

I kind of thought she’d be all sad at my past. That she’d feel all sappy and sorry for me because my mother was the way she was. Not that she’d fucking believe my mother’s horseshit that winded me up in juvie.

“What am I talking about? All the violence, is what. I’ve seen you fly off the handle with my own eyes. And Razor loves telling Steel fighting stories.” Emily’s yelling, and her fists are clenched. “I’m talking about raising a baby with a man who’s hospitalized someone and he never thought that was important to mention before!”

“You know all that shit is ancient history,” I say, trying to keep my voice down.

“You’re sure there’s nothing else you aren’t telling me? For all I know, you’ve got a dozen more secrets!”

“There ain’t nothing else, I swear it.”

“How do I know if I can believe that? You’ve always said stuff like that.”

“For fuck’s sake, Goldie, I said there’s nothing else,” I say, matching her volume.

“Unbelievable,” she yells.

“What’s unbelievable is that you’re treating me this way now!”

I get up off the couch and stand beside her, looking down on her. My heart hammers against my ribcage, and I don’t know what to do to make her believe me.

Reason to Live

(Emily)

“Holy fuck, are you kidding me?” I say, looking up at him.

Is he threatening me now? The way he’s standing there like that, his eyes cold staring down into me. I need out of here, away from him.

I turn, grab my coat and flee out the door. Marching straight to the elevator, I don’t even turn around to see if he’s following me. I don’t want him to.

Alone in the elevator, tears trickle down my cheeks. What do I do?

I keep on walking, out of the hotel to the Falls. We’re up a cliff from them, and I have to take an incline railway car down the cliff to get to the top of the Falls.

Crossing a road, I beeline straight to the thing I’ve been staring at out the window. I walk until I can’t go any further, and I lean on the railing that separates me from the water. I’m standing in a cloud of mist, and the noise of the river hurdling over the edge is deafening.

Through my tears, I don’t feel anywhere near the awe I felt when I was looking out the window. Instead, my eyes fix on the edge of the Falls, seemingly only inches from me, and I watch the water plunge into the gorge below.

Is the same thing happening with my relationship? We were sailing all smooth down the calm river, and then bam! we go flying over a two-hundred-foot cliff. One I didn’t know was there, but Steel did.

I should’ve been more demanding in getting him to tell me about his past before I ever joined the carnival. Or at very latest, after he attacked Razor. God, I feel so stupid. How was I so stupid?

The November wind is biting cold, and blowing straight down the wide river and into my face. If I wasn’t crying to begin with, the wind would put the tears in my eyes for me. I pull my coat tighter around me, and try to close any gap around the neck.

Craning my head, I look at our hotel behind me. As if looking up at the towering building could give me any answers. Just because Steel’s in it right now doesn’t mean anything. Or it shouldn’t, anyway.

I look back to the river. I’m standing right at the lip and the main waterfall, the one that divides Canada from America. It’s a lot of foaming, unbroken water all the way over to an island. Down from the island is another waterfall, the American Falls. Enormous, jagged rocks litter the bottom of it.

It’s kind of the way I feel. Like I was just sailing along in smooth American waters, when this Canadian came along and plunged me into some boulders. I sigh.

Beyond that waterfall, a bridge spans high across the gorge, connecting the two countries.

The longer I stand here, the more my gaze focuses away from the waterfalls, and onto the bridge. I wonder if it’s possible for me and Steel to be connected like that again.

My mind races, thinking back over all the things that Steel ever did around me, all the fun we had and talks that went long into the night in our trailer. Aside from Razor, nothing he ever did made me think he was anything other than amazing.

My hands are ice, and I cram them in my pockets. I lost the feeling in my toes ages ago, but I don’t leave my spot at the railing. I can’t. I’m too busy replaying the past year in my head, in reverse.

When I get to that night in the Motel 6, when I was begging Steel to take me away to join the carnival, I remember what he said. Something I’d forgotten before, and my heart shatters as if it just hit one of those jagged boulders.

‘You’ll be a carny, and they think that means they can treat you any way they feel, because you’re scum and don’t deserve any respect. In their minds, you’ve had your trial, and you’re guilty.’

Is that the way I treated Steel? The father of my baby?

I think back over his story in the hotel room. At the time, the only thing I heard was violence, hospital, police. Somehow, the other parts didn’t sink in at all.

“I thought I’d find you here,” Steel says.

He leans on the railing, a few inches away from me, staring at the water. My throat is too tight to speak, and I nod in acknowledgement.

“In my defense, I never would’ve hit him if he hadn’t been hurting my mother.”

“I know,” I say, and bite my lip. My God, I feel like such a bitch. I didn’t even care about how hard his life must have been, I couldn’t get past the violence. I should’ve been hugging him, when instead I was screaming at him.

“That’s the bridge my buddies and I walked across,” he says, pointing to the bridge. “The law finally declared me resettled in the community, and it was my first day of true freedom. We knew a carnival was passing through on the American side. We went looking for trouble, but I found my home. My friends all came back across the bridge that night, but I convinced Papa Smurf to give me a job. I stayed at the carnival, with only the clothes on my back. And I never looked back.”

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as fast as the water in the river. Their warmth thaws my frozen face.

“Ten years ago, I walked across that bridge in search of something. Something better. A dream. Anything. And I finally found what it is I’ve been looking for all this time. All those fucking shitty little towns. Everything. All I’ve wanted my whole life is you.” Every tendon in Steel’s neck is on display. While he’s speaking, he shifts his body and leans his side on the railing, and looks at me.

His blue eyes are shining brighter than I’ve ever seen them shine before. Even through my blurred tears, I can tell his whole soul is visible. His beautiful, good soul. The soul of a good man.

“Steel,” I say, reaching out my hand.

He shakes his head.

“I never believed people as amazing as you even existed. And I definitely never believed anyone like you would be interested in someone like me. I ain’t letting you walk away from me now.”

All I want to do is melt into his warmth. To dive right into the blue of his eyes and plunge straight into the center of his heart, where I belong.

I turn my body to face his, hoping he will pull me into him and never let me go. I sniffle, and lift my hand in front of me, wanting to say so much but unable to find the words.

He clasps my hand in both of his, and kneels, his leg on the freezing, wet ground.

“I know I didn’t do this right the first time. Or the second. But Goldie, Emily, marry me. Spend the rest of your life with me, and I promise every day will be filled with nothing but happiness. I love you.”

I open my mouth and force myself to finally speak. “I can’t imagine a better man than you, Steel, Kayden. I’m yours, forever. Have been ever since that first night in your bunk house.”

“I wish I brought a ring to give you,” he says, looking up at me.

“I don’t give a fuck about a ring. I love you, Steel.”

“Maybe on the fourth proposal I’ll get everything right.”

A laugh pushes past my tears, and I can’t remember the last time I smiled this hard. No, I can. It was during those three times round on the Ferris wheel.

“Get up out of the freezing puddle,” I say, tugging on his hand.

Steel stands and pulls me into his arms. His warmth floods through me, and my heart feels whole again.

“You’re shivering,” he says, his voice low.

“I’ve been standing out in the freezing mist too long.” I turn my head as I speak, and our noses brush together.

“We need to get you inside.”

Glory of Love

(Steel)

I rub Emily’s arms as we walk from the elevator to our hotel door. Even with her in my arms the whole walk back to the hotel, her skin is still icy. It’s probably forty-five out, but she was standing in that icy mist for I don’t know how long.

We’ll need to get her a better coat tomorrow, so this doesn’t happen again.

“I can’t feel my toes,” Emily says.

And boots, we need to get her a good pair of boots. Not those flimsy shoes she’s wearing.

In the meantime, my mind is racing with the best way to warm her up. In front of the fireplace? In the whirlpool?

I swipe the keycard, and Emily moans in disappointment when the light turns red. The sound lands straight on my cock, and I swipe the fucking keycard gain.

The green light shows, I open the door and I half hurl her through it. Letting the door close on its own, I hurry her into the bedroom. I unzip her coat, and start to pull it off her.

“I’m cold,” she says, tugging on the coat.

“That’s why I’m taking your cold clothes off, how are you going to warm up with cold, damp clothes on?”

Emily drops her arms and lets me undress her, her teeth chattering the whole time. My jeans are sopping wet from when I kneeled in the puddle, but I don’t give a shit.

I slide down her pregnancy jeans, and pull off her shirt and bra. Fuck, her tits are bigger every time I see them. The sight of them there, all heavy on her chest stiffens my cock.

“Get in bed,” I say, ripping back the comforter.

Naked and shivering, she climbs into the bed and I tuck the comforter tight around her neck.

“I thought you were coming in with me,” she says.

“I am, once I get my cold, wet clothes off,” I say as I kick my shoes off.

“I still can’t feel my toes.”

Naked, I climb under the covers with her and say, “Don’t worry, no better way to warm you up than with a little body heat.”

I wrap myself around her icy skin, and hold her tight, trying to give her my warmth. It’s still difficult to understand what happened this afternoon, but she’s here now, even though she now knows everything. My Emily.

My lips move across the cold skin of her cheeks, her chin still shivering. Our mouths press together, and I cup her cheeks to warm them. At first her lips are cold, but I kiss and suck them, and they thaw.

When the skin of her cheeks is warm, I move my hands lower. Caressing the tops of her shoulders and arms, making sure to keep the duvet tight over us.

I slide my body down, nipping and sucking to warm her skin as I move. As soon as my head is below her shoulders, I pull the duvet over it and tight around Emily’s neck again. It’s like I’m in a cave.

Her skin is already warmer from me pressing my body against it, though her nipples are already hard from the cold.

Taking one of the hard nubs in my mouth, I roll it around with my tongue. I cup her other tit in my hand, at least as much as now fits in my hand. How the fuck much bigger are they going to get?

Emily moans, and arches her back to push her tits closer to me. I suck her nipple as hard as I can and she gasps. The corners of my mouth turn up in a smile. I know her nipples have a direct line to her pussy, and it seems more intense now she’s pregnant.

I take her other nipple in my mouth, and suck harder and longer. Her knees shoot up, and she grinds her hips against me, but I keep on sucking, loving how crazy it’s making her. That should warm up her insides.

Emily lets out a high-pitched groan, and I let go of her nipple. I kiss and nip over her tits and down the soft skin of her front. It’s much warmer now, and feels hot against my lips.

As I kiss down over her belly, and notice for the first time that it’s growing. I brush my fingers over it, thinking of the future, our future, and how amazing it’s going to be.

She rocks her hips, and I carry on sucking and nipping at her skin, until I reach her mound.

Normally I’d kiss all around it, but the air under the blanket is heavy with lust. I crush my lips against hers, probing with my tongue to find her clit and suck it hard into my mouth. Emily gasps and starts moaning.

I suck her clit harder than I sucked her nipples, grinding my hard cock against the mattress at the same time. I keep on sucking her clit until she’s breathless from moaning so much.

Her hands grab my hair, and her body twists and turns as she comes. Fucking hell, I need to stop before I blow my load the way I did that very first night with her.

I fly back up her body, my head emerges from under the covers and I plant my lips on hers for a quick, deep kiss. With my knee, I kick open her legs and without pausing, I push my cock straight into her slick pussy.

Still spasming from her climax, her walls grip my cock as I thrust into her. My balls tingle more every time my dragon cock is fully buried in her.

“Are you warm now?” I ask into her ear, my voice low.

“Very,” she says, her voice breathy.

“Good.”

I pull out of her, throwing the covers back with my body. I pause a moment to look down over my beautiful woman before gripping her arm, pulling her off the bed and planting her against the floor-to-ceiling window.

Her tits flatten against the glass, her hard nipples pearling in the center. I spread her legs and line my hips up behind her, pressing my tip against her entrance.

She lets out a light moan, and I push deep into her. I start to move, slowly at first, I want to make this last. My cock starts throbbing, and I stop moving.

“Enjoy this view, Goldie. This is me. This is who I am,” I say, my voice a growl.

Emily’s eyes widen as she looks out at the view below and moans.

Reaching around, I find her clit with my fingertips. One touch, her head turns to me, and her eyes roll back in her head. Her legs turn to jelly, and I hold her up by pounding my cock into her.

Her walls are spasming like crazy around me, making my dick tingle and throb like never before.

“Fuck,” I grunt as an intense orgasm smacks through me, and I fill her with my come.

We lean against the window while we catch our breaths, silently watching the view below.

I grab the two fluffy, white bathrobes and drape one over her shoulders. After putting the other on, I take her hand and lead her to our living room. Emily sits on the sofa, and I flick the switch to turn on our gas fireplace.

Flopping down on the sofa beside her, I put my arm around her and pull her into me. She rests her head on my shoulder. We sit like that for ages.

“What’re you thinking?” I ask.

“No regrets,” she says, “not a single fucking one.”

I kiss the top of her head, and wonder how the fuck I got here. Back in my home town, my home country, sitting in a swanky hotel suite, and most of all, with Emily in my arms and my baby in her belly.

Epilogue

(Emily)

Two years later…

We’re on our way to Colmar. The only time we make the hour’s drive is either to visit my parents or visit Courtney and Maddie. Otherwise the town is my past.

My parents chose to stay in Colmar, even though their daughter was and is the biggest scandal that ever happened in the town. I’m a local celebrity.

It always feels good to drive through town in our shiny Cadillac Escalade. When we go down the main drag, I always open the windows so everyone can see me with my carny.

After we got back from Niagara Falls, my dad’s friend immediately started working on whatever visas Steel needed to stay. It was so complicated, I couldn’t even keep track.

Steel opened a GM dealership in Effingham, which is the next big place past Woburn. He chose it because of the name, said it was clearly the place for him. Whatever. It’s a nice, green place for a small city and a good place to raise a family.

The baby was born before we could legally marry. Not that it matters. Though I heard from Courtney that I was the talk of the town again. Honestly, I wish these people would wake up and realize what century they live in.

I was kind of hoping we’d have a boy, and that I could name him Kayden. But Steel said no way in hell would he name anyone after himself.

It didn’t matter anyway, since the baby was a girl. A beautiful, bright blue-eyed girl with blonde hair and a smile that could melt the heart of even the hardest carny. We called her Trixie. Though I think in Steel’s mind her name is Tricksy. Or even Trickster.

Once a carny, always a carny. But I guess that goes for me too.

“Hey, how are you? Still praying for my family?” I wave out the window at Barbara, the town’s biggest gossip.

She glances over, and her eyes bulge when she realizes it’s me. I burst out laughing, and she turns away and disappears into the nearest store. No doubt she’s gone in to talk all about that nasty Emily girl harassing her.

“You’re bad,” Steel says, chuckling.

Trixie bursts out crying in her car seat. She’s seventeen months old now, and very protective of me.

I turn around, squeezing as much as my body between the seats as I can and stroke her leg.

“It’s okay, sweetie, Daddy was just joking.”

Steel flips the radio onto the CD player. The Wiggles always, always calms her. It’s our foolproof method, and soon enough, her crying’s stopped and her head is bobbing to the beat.

“I can’t fucking believe I have to listen to The Wiggles,” Steel mutters under his breath.

“You love it,” I say, straightening my body in my seat.

“I hate it. But I love her, so here we are, singing about fruit salads.”

“Fruit salads are yummy.”

Steel shakes his head as I start singing along with the song. As I sing, I twirl the wedding band on my finger. I’ve worn it for almost a year now, ever since we exchanged rings at our town hall official paper signing, but I still play with it whenever I’m extra happy.

Steel’s dealership is already one of the best in the area. He hired a bunch of people my dad wouldn’t given a second thought to, but Steel can read them. He knew which would be cheats or lazy.

As a result, it’s got a reputation of being the place for real men to buy their trucks.

Although I started selling there one or two days a week too. It turns out lots of women actually want to buy from another woman. Even though I work a fraction of the hours, I’m one of the top salespeople in the dealership. I might even beat Steel, if I ever start working full-time.

Except that won’t be for a while. We’re expecting another baby. This one is a boy, but not due for another few months. Steel still insists on not naming him Kayden. Now I’m working on it for his middle name.

“We’re here,” Steel says to Trixie in his daddy voice.

We’ve found a parking spot down a side street. Steel hops out of the car and gets the stroller out of the back while I unbuckle Trixie.

Once she’s buckled into her stroller, since she likes to climb out of it, we walk to the park. I push, and Steel wraps his arm around my waist.

After my father decided Steel was worthy of his approval, he, as Lions Club President, decided to always use Papa Smurf’s carnival. And they’re in town today.

“I can’t believe I’m lining up and paying to get in. Can’t we just go around the back or something?” Steel says.

“You’re just a regular-paying townie now,” I say.

Steel laughs and shakes his head. This must be strange for him. It’s the first time we’ve been back to the carnival since we left it in Mississippi. Though he keeps in touch with everyone online, I only keep in touch with Cess.

“Fun, fun,” Trixie says, reaching her hand in front of her.

“That’s right, we’re going to have lots of fun,” Steel says.

“We always do,” I say, smiling and touching my fingers to his.

We walk down the midway, but I don’t see Cess. She must be on her break.

“Well, look who showed up,” Papa Smurf says from behind us.

He slaps Steel across the back, and I turn to hug him.

“Let me see this baby of yours,” he crouches in front of Trixie and wiggles his finger against her cheek. “I half didn’t believe she was real.”

“There’s another coming too,” I say.

Papa Smurf stands to his full height and shakes his head. “Well, ain’t you just the family man now.”

“Don’t forget respectable business owner,” I say.

“You two are lucky my daughter is here, or I’d tell you what I think of that,” Steel says.

“I’m going to take Trixie to meet Cess,” I say.

Gripping the stroller handle, I push it over the bumpy grass, searching for her. I spot her by the funnel cakes, and head over to her.

“Hey!” I say.

“God, she’s adorable. Looks just like her old man,” Cess says, picking Trixie up and cuddling her.

“She’s a little mini Steel,” I say.

“So what’s new, anything?”

“I finally heard from that private detective I hired,” I say.

“The one in Canada?” She asks.

Cess is the only one who knows I hired him. It was just after Trixie was born, and my curiosity got the better of me. Sitting at home alone with her, one day I found him online and sent an email.

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“His mother was killed with her husband in a drunk driving accident about six years ago.”

“Shit, that’s rough.”

“Language,” I say, raising my eyebrows.

“Oops, forgot someone’s got little ears,” Cess says, cupping Trixie’s head.

“It’s probably easier anyway. No decisions to be made, anyway.”

“Did you tell Steel?”

“No, nothing. He still doesn’t know I hired the private investigator. Steel always said his mother was dead to him, so what’s the point of telling him she actually is dead?”

“At least you know.”

“I guess,” I say, shrugging.

I don’t know what I was hoping would happen. Maybe that she’d sobered up and left her abusive husband, and was desperate to find her son again. I guess that was just a pipe dream on my part.

We chat for a while longer, until Steel comes along.

“Come with me,” he says.

“I’ll come back and find you later,” I tell Cess.

He takes Trixie from Cess and holds her. I walk along beside him, pushing the empty stroller.

Steel leads me straight to the Ferris wheel, past the massive line and right to the front.

“You fucking cocksucker, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” Whiskey says with a smile.

“Watch your mouth around my kid,” Steel says, covering one of Trixie’s ears.

“You gotta be shitting me, I never thought I’d see your ugly face again,” Whiskey says.

“And I was hoping I’d never see yours,” Steel says. He sounds tough, but I know he’s laughing on the inside.

The ride stops, and Whiskey moves to unload the first car. The people get off, and Steel steps on with Trixie, with me right behind him.

“You can’t take a baby on that ride!” someone yells.

“There’s a line here!” another yells.

Barbara’s going to love this juicy bit of gossip, but not one iota of me gives a shit. In fact, I’d love to tell her myself. Actually, what I’d really love to do is describe Steel’s dick to her. The look on her face would be priceless.

Steel’s holding Trixie in his arms, and I know she’s completely safe. I snuggle up beside them. The Ferris wheel stops and starts, loading and unloading, and soon our car is stopped at the very top.

“Look, Trixie, you can see everywhere from here,” Steel says.

Trixie’s eyes are wide, and her head turns in every direction.

“You can even see Grandma’s house,” I say, pointing.

She follows the direction of my finger, but I doubt she can see where I’m pointing, there’s too much in between, and her eyes are drawn by the other moving rides.

“Would you believe, little miss, that your mommy and I had our first date right here, in this very spot?”

My eyes shift to the car number, and I see it’s the same car we first sat in together. And the same one we got married in. Obviously Steel set this up with Whiskey before.

“I knew the moment I first laid eyes on your mommy that I had to have her.”

“I don’t think she gets the double entendre,” I say, smiling.

Steel doesn’t look at me, instead he continues talking to Trixie. “At first she only wanted me for one thing, but when I didn’t give it to her, she started to realize I was more than just a pretty face. And she started loving me, just like I loved her. And then you came along. You’re very lucky you have the best mommy in the whole wide world. And I’m going to take you all around the whole world, just to prove it to you.”

We’ve been at the top for ages, far longer than it takes to unload and load a car, and I realize Steel’s arranged this with Whiskey too.

“I never thought I’d win at anything, and here I won the biggest prize of all. Except I keep doing something wrong. Even though I keep trying to do better. Three times, and I still never got it right.”

I look at him, and though he’s talking to Trixie, his blue eyes are boring straight into me. He moves his closed hand over to me, and opens it. A massive solitaire lies in the center of his palm.

* * *

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