27
“You know it’s Sunday, right?” Ezra asked as he came into the sanctuary kitchen, sitting down across the table from where Finn was drinking Oscar’s orange juice.
He’d bring him a new carton tomorrow.
“I’m neutering a Rottweiler later,” Finn said. “The foster carer could only bring him in today.”
“So the two cats you did yesterday…”
“Recovering at home with cones on their heads,” Finn said. “The program’s taking off. I’m gonna have to start convincing other vets that it’s extremely rewarding to donate their time to stuff like this.”
“Right. And you didn’t just move those bookings up for the same reason you deep-cleaned the reptile shed this week?”
“Someone had to do it eventually,” Finn defended.
He knew Ezra could see right through him, but he had a few shreds of dignity left that he wasn’t about to give up without a fight.
“Uh huh,” Ezra said. “It’s okay to just be sad, you know.”
“I’m coping,” Finn responded, looking up to meet Ezra’s eyes.
“I’m coping,” he repeated.
“By which you mean you’re employing all your coping skills, not so much that you’re okay,” Ezra said perceptively. “He’s sorry.”
“How do you know?”
Ezra pulled out his phone and passed it over after a few taps.
A lump formed in Finn’s throat as he read over the short exchange with Nolan.
“Yeah, well,” he said, passing the phone back. “Like you said, he needs to tell me himself.”
Everything still hurt, and Finn knew Ezra was trying to help, but the reminder that he wasn’t the only one hurting stung.
Angry as he was with Nolan over listening to Gavin, he hated the thought that Nolan was upset.
Now that he’d had time to calm down, an apology was all it would have taken. He’d thought he’d feel better if he walked away.
He’d thought he never wanted to see Nolan again.
And now it was the weekend, and that had become their time in Finn’s mind, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that there was suddenly a Nolan-shaped hole in his life.
“You said Gavin bullies him,” Ezra continued. “You don’t think maybe you should cut him some slack?”
Finn sighed.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did think that. He couldn’t help thinking that. This was on Gavin.
Mostly.
But it had still hurt, and Finn hadn’t done a damned thing wrong.
Except walking away. Except using his feelings for Nolan as a weapon to make him feel worse about all this.
That hadn’t been his intention, but he knew that was how it’d come out. He’d been desperate and scared and hurt, and he’d said things he shouldn’t have.
They both had.
But he still had to know that Nolan believed it’d been real. Hell, he needed to know that Nolan wanted it to be real.
Nolan had said half a dozen times that he couldn’t see why Finn was into him, but Finn could have said the same thing. Nolan was cute, funny, successful in the traditional sense, eager to experiment in bed… Finn was just some guy who looked okay without a shirt on and loved dogs.
Well, squirrels. The otter was growing on him, too, and releasing Ollie in the next few days was gonna hurt like hell.
Maybe he’d get Oscar or Ezra to do it. They’d probably be happy to save Finn the pain.
As if summoned by thinking of him, a bleary-eyed Oscar stumbled into the kitchen and headed straight for the fridge before pausing and noticing the carton of juice on the table.
“Oh,” he said, grabbing a glass and then sitting down heavily.
“Dude, it’s nearly noon,” Finn said, staring at him.
Oscar shrugged, poured himself a glass of juice, and then drained it in three huge gulps before putting the glass down with a sigh. He licked his lips, looking between Ezra and Finn with a confused frown.
“I could’ve sworn today was Sunday,” he said.
“It is,” Ezra agreed. “I’m here to settle in a hummingbird that somehow got caught in a mailbox, Finn’s here because he’s sad about Nolan.”
“I’m here for a neutering,” Finn corrected.
“And because you’re sad about Nolan,” Oscar said. “It’s okay. You’re allowed to be sad and you’re always welcome here when you are. We love you.”
Finn sighed, playing with his empty glass while Oscar poured more juice into his own. “I know. I just… wanna forget about it, if he’s not interested in fixing things.”
“He did apologize,” Ezra pointed out.
“To you. I don’t feel like I’m asking much to say it needs to come directly from him. Am I?” Finn asked, suddenly unsure if he was being unreasonable.
It didn’t seem like much to expect, but his standards were about as warped as they came. All he’d wanted was for someone not to look at him and think he was wasting his life.
Nolan hadn’t. That part, Finn was sure of. Nolan had been supportive of what he did. He’d joined in.
No one else had ever done that for Finn. That was what made Nolan special.
That was what made losing him hurt so much. He could have been it. The person Finn had been looking for all this time.
“You’re not asking too much,” Oscar confirmed.
“You’re not,” Ezra agreed. “I’m just saying… maybe cut him a little slack when you do get an apology. He wants to tell you he’s sorry, he’s just… scared.”
“I’m not that scary,” Finn pointed out.
“No, but the thought of losing you would be,” Oscar said. “If we had the kind of fight that ended in you walking away, I’d be scared.”
“You’d run after me and ask me where the hell I thought I was going.” Finn smiled wryly.
“Because I’m sure you love me and that it’s not the end of our friendship, it’s just a minor blip. I can’t think of anything you could do that’d make it so I never wanted to see you again. Nolan’s not so sure.”
“I know. Dammit, I know,” Finn said, frustrated by the whole situation. “That’s what this was about.”
He wanted to text Nolan to say he was forgiven and they could get together and talk, but that set a precedent for letting himself be walked all over.
Not that he thought Nolan would, but the worry still made him shy away from it.
Nolan would have to make the next move. It was his turn. If Finn jumped in, he’d never be confident about their relationship again.
So he had to wait.
Fingers curled around his hand, and he looked up to see Ezra holding it, squeezing just hard enough to reassure. “Give it time,” he said. “He’ll come around.”
“I hope you’re right,” Finn said.
If Nolan decided he was too much trouble, well… it was probably better that happened now.
But Finn didn’t want him to walk away. He wanted him to walk right in the front door.
The front door remained stubbornly closed.
“Ryan looked into the donations Gavin was making. You were right,” Oscar said. “They started after the Halloween party. That Monday. He’s also sorry he didn’t think to mention it.”
Finn sighed.
Yeah, this was definitely Gavin’s fault. And Nolan had spent his whole life being pushed around by the guy.
But Finn didn’t have to let Gavin push him around by proxy. He shouldn’t have had to, anyway.
All he’d wanted was to help Nolan get out from under Gavin’s shadow. Not end up being dragged under it as well. Was that really too much to ask?
“What a prick,” Ezra said. “Seriously, what is this guy’s problem?”
“He’s a narcissist with a grudge against the sanctuary because one of his ex-girlfriends volunteered here. Briana.”
“I remember Briana,” Ezra said. “She seemed sweet. Left when she got engaged to a travel writer, I think. I was only coming by every now and again back then.”
So Gavin saying she’d gone for a bigger fish was bullshit, too. Was he even capable of opening his mouth without telling a lie?
Finn’s stomach knotted up all over again. He didn’t want to leave Nolan at Gavin’s mercy. He didn’t want to give Gavin the chance to crush his spirit. The chance to ruin him the way he was so clearly trying to.
But if Nolan couldn’t see it, then there was nothing Finn could do.
“I gotta prep for surgery,” he said, standing. That’d give him something else to focus on. “Thanks, guys. Tell Ryan I don’t blame him, okay? No normal person would have thought of this.
“He’s scared of facing you,” Oscar said. “I told him there was no reason to be.”
“No, he never has to be scared of me. He’s my friend, you all are. It’s good to know I’ve got you.”
“Always,” Oscar promised. “I’ll tell him.”
“Thanks.” Finn pushed his aging chair under the table, the legs scraping across the tiles. “I thought we might have lunch? I’ll even do the grocery run and the cooking.”
“I’m game,” Ezra said.
“Me too. And I’ll send Ryan on the grocery run while we handle this Rottweiler. We love you, and we’re here for you.”
A weight that had been sitting in the center of Finn’s chest seemed to evaporate.
“I love you guys.”
“We love you, too,” Ezra said, and Oscar nodded.
It didn’t make everything okay, but it was nice to be surrounded by friends.
As long as Finn ignored the Nolan-shaped hole in the picture, it was good to be home.