Karsen
All the pieces of our broken past were starting to fall into place and I didn’t like the picture they were painting before me.
Not. At. All.
Booker’s insistence he would never hurt me if he had a choice in the matter.
The years before that night where he had been willing to die for me, literally.
Race’s adamant protests that Booker was not the man for me, combined with my sister’s constant pressure to leave the Point behind and seek a better life elsewhere.
Booker’s unmasked fear at the thought of going back to prison.
The irrefutable fact he did things for Race and Nassir that were decidedly against the law.
The way he said Race’s name with bitter scorn and ugly resentment. And the way he flatly declared he didn’t work for Race anymore and never would again.
All my sister had ever asked of Race was to keep me safe, to keep his life and the dangers that went with it away from me. He would move heaven and Earth to grant her any wish, and since she only had one, it wasn’t hard to imagine Race doing whatever it took to do what Brysen asked of him.
I didn’t want to believe the man I loved like an older brother was capable of playing the man I loved with my whole heart like a puppet. It made my skin crawl and had acrid rage climbing furiously up the back of my throat to think about Race manipulating Booker. Everyone knew there was no way I was leaving the big, damaged man. I wasn’t willing to walk away from him. But then that night happened and I couldn’t put him in my rearview mirror fast enough. Booker breaking my heart into a million pieces gave Race and Brysen exactly what they wanted, all while making me believe it was my idea to go. I was hurt so badly and felt so lost and alone. I honestly believed leaving the Point was the only way I was going to survive.
I was starting to think it was my family who betrayed me, not the man sitting silently beside me.
“You’re pretty quiet over there. Is everything all right?” Booker’s question jolted me out of my thoughts. I let go of the breath I’d sucked in and forgot to release as my mind spun circles around all the truths I thought I knew. All the truths and possible betrayals that were teetering on the edge of my mind.
“I was just thinking.” And those thoughts were really starting to piss me off.
Booker looked at me, taking his eyes off the road briefly. He had taken back control of the car and was anxiously looking in the mirror every five minutes. We were supposed to meet Snowden Stark and his girlfriend in a tiny town a couple of hours up the coast from the city, and Booker was driving like a grandma to prevent getting pulled over again. There were too many weapons loaded into the car to dispose of discreetly, and I had a feeling Booker was going to hand me off to the quiet hacker as soon as we met up. He was growing tenser and more alert the closer we got to home. I could practically feel him vibrating with apprehension.
“Thinking about what?” He was touching his face, fingers dancing over his scar and rubbing against his scruff. His actions showed me he was nervous as hell, and that pissed me off even more.
The man followed me across the country after four years of radio silence just to apologize, to give me a chance to see the truth on my own. He stayed awake all night and watched over me. He was delivering me back to the very people playing Russian roulette with his life. He’d never done anything but protect and care for me. Even when he took me to bed, it was all about making memories and creating something beautiful to replace all the dirty flashbacks of him and those other girls that had polluted my mind for so long.
I rubbed a finger between my eyebrows, trying to physically push back the headache I felt building. “I was thinking about the night I walked in on you with those girls.”
He made a strangled sound low in his throat and started tapping his fingers on his thigh in a very agitated manner. “Why are you thinking about that? It was a long time ago.” Only it didn’t sound like it was as far in the past as he wanted it to be either.
“That night changed everything for me, Booker. I was so sure you knew I was coming for you the minute I was old enough. I was convinced you were waiting for me the way I was waiting for you.” I found myself tapping my fingers in the same pattern Booker was using. “I’m not dumb, and I was nowhere near as naïve as you guys thought I was. I knew you weren't exactly living like a monk. I saw the way those strippers went out of their way to hit on you. But all those years you knew I was crushing on you, not once did you ever flaunt another girl in my face. It didn’t matter if I stopped by before school, or if I popped in during the middle of the night. You were always alone, Booker. Always.”
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and he wouldn’t hold my gaze. A muscle jumped in his cheek and I was pretty sure I saw the corner of his eye twitch. “I always liked you. You were a good kid. You treated me like the sun rose and set because I asked it to. No one ever acted like I was worth their time before you came along. You always treated me like any time we spent together mattered to you. I wasn’t going to taint it by letting you look at what my life was really like when we weren’t together. You know I’m not a nice man. That typically means nice girls want nothing to do with me.”
I scoffed at him and lifted a challenging eyebrow. “Really?”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “Yes, really.”
I snorted in a very unladylike fashion and lifted a hand so I could tick off on my fingers all the very nice girls I knew, who did indeed, love very bad men. “Bax is about a hundred times more grumpy and unapproachable than you are. Dovie loves him unconditionally and she is the nicest person on the whole planet. Definitely the nicest girl in the Point. Race is an asshole. He’s a manipulative, conniving bastard, but my sister would gladly die for him. Nassir is as cold as they come. Seriously, being in the same room as him terrifies me. Key isn’t just nice, she’s compassionate and totally understanding. Reeve isn’t exactly nice, or sweet, or very empathetic, but there isn’t anything she wouldn’t do for Titus and their baby.” I held up my hand pointing at my pinkie finger triumphantly. “I’ve never meet Noe. From what I’ve heard, she tends to stick to being invisible, which I guess I understand because who knows if half the shit she gets into with Stark is legal. But from what I’ve pieced together, she’s the only one who managed to get through all of Stark’s hardwiring. I doubt she’s a jerk, because only someone with infinite patience and persistence could commit to unraveling the mess that man was tangled in. In fact, I think every single not-nice man I know has a pretty decent woman by his side to dull some of those rough edges.” I huffed an exasperated breath. “Besides, the girl who wasn’t crawling all over your dick that night was very nice to me. Roxy, I think she said her name was. She felt sorry for me, and I think also for you.”
He was quiet for a long time. The spasm in his cheek picked up speed and I swore I could hear his teeth grinding together. When he spoke, his voice was low and I could hear remembered pain and years of regret weighing heavily on each word.
“Roxy is an old friend. She’s one of the first people I met when I showed up in the Point. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, and she takes everyone at face value. I don’t know how she’s managed to survive in the Point as long as she has. She probably wouldn’t have if Bax hadn’t ordered Nassir to take her under his protection. You’re right; she is nice, and when I needed a favor, she agreed to help me out.”
It was my turn to grind my teeth and feel my eye twitch. I started this, but I wasn’t sure I had the stomach to finish it. I could still see the other girl grinding on his lap, touching what was mine.
“Why did you need her to do you that kind of favor, Booker? Why that night? The timing was coincidentally perfect. It was almost like you knew exactly when I was going to be knocking on your door.” I tugged on a strand of loose hair, twisting the ends around my finger as I watched his every move.
Suddenly, he sat up straighter in the driver’s seat and cut a sharp look in my direction. “Why do you think I needed that kind of favor from those kinds of girls?”
Was I really ready to admit that my family set us both up? Was I strong enough to face that kind of betrayal a second time? The first time it took me four damn years to climb back to my feet after getting knocked down. If I went down again, I wasn’t sure I could claw my way back from the brink.
As I looked at the man next to me, most of those doubts died a quiet death. It didn't matter how close to the edge I got, he would always be there to pull me back. And if for some reason I went over, there was little question left in my mind that he was coming in after me. He would never let me drown in the pit of uncertainty and confusion again.
“I think you needed someone there with you to make sure I caught you in a compromising situation. I think you knew I was coming, because either my sister or Race told you I was on my way down to see you. I was so excited. So stupidly in love with you. The trip down to your apartment felt like it took forever, but it was only seconds. I think you knew the only way I was going to be able to quit caring about you was if I had unmistakable proof you didn’t feel about me the way I felt about you. Finding you with two women who were so different from me, on the night which was supposed to be the start of us, was impossible for me to ignore. I was hurt and embarrassed. All I wanted to do was escape. I’m pretty sure that was the plan all along, wasn’t it? Having you break my heart was the only way I was ever going to leave the Point, so that’s what you did.”
He opened his mouth and let it snap shut. His eyes blinked rapidly and his tongue darted out to slick across his lips. “That’s what I did. It’s what I had to do.”
I shifted in my seat, turning so I was facing him more fully. “You promised you would never hurt me. Over and over again you made that promise. Every other promise you’ve ever made to me, you’ve kept. Why would you break the one that meant the most?”
He opened and closed his mouth again, finally turning his head to look directly at me. There were a million different emotions battling for control in his turbulent gaze, but the one that stuck out the most, the one I latched onto and refused to let go of, was remorse. He knew he hurt me, but by no means had he escaped our encounter unscathed.
“Because I didn’t have a fucking choice, Karsen!” The words exploded out of him and he pounded a fist on the steering wheel. His chest was heaving and his entire body locked into a stiff, rigid line. “I didn’t have a choice.” He repeated it on a whisper and suddenly everything tightening him up and holding him still released. He practically deflated in front of my eyes.
I growled. Yes, growled. Like an animal protecting her young. “Who put you up to it? Race or my sister?” Not that it mattered. I was going to tear them both to shreds when I got my hands on them.
Booker sighed and gave his head a little shake. “You can’t be mad that you have people in your life who are willing to go to extraordinary lengths to keep you safe and make sure you have every opportunity available to you.”
I huffed again and crossed my arms over my chest. “No, but I can be furious they made choices for me, manipulated me, and took away something that wasn’t theirs to take. I understand the reasons behind their actions; that doesn’t mean what they did was acceptable. I was an adult in that moment, a woman in love with you, and you let them take my future from me, Booker. From us.”
“Brysen never asked Race for a damn thing. She never complained about his life of crime or the violence that goes along with it. She loves him completely for all he is, and that means he would do anything for her. When she asked him to make sure you got the chance to see what life outside the Point could be like, there was nothing that would stop him from making it happen. He knew you wouldn’t go on your own, so he had to give you a push. He used me to get to you, and he used my past, and my present, against me.” He sighed and quietly admitted, “He told me he would send me back to prison if I didn’t get on board. I had to make you walk away from me or he was going to get me locked up. It wouldn't have taken much. Nothing I did while I was on his payroll was above board. He has enough evidence against me to make sure I never see the light of day again.”
“He blackmailed you?” I had to say it out loud to get my head around just how deep and dark this rabbit hole was.
“Yes. He promised he would put me away if I didn't do exactly what he said. Honestly, he’s too smart. Most people would threaten my life, tell me they were going to make me disappear, say they were going to sell me out to someone I screwed over. Race knew death would be a reprieve for me. I’ve lived with the shadow of my demise hanging over my head my entire life. But prison, you just witnessed what the idea of going back does to me. It brings me to my knees. He played me. And he’s still deep in the game. Even when I bring you back, my neck’s still on the guillotine and he’s the asshole in the black hood.”
I lifted a hand to my chest and felt my pounding heart. “Even though you’re terrified of going back to jail, you still came after me? Just so you could see me again? Even knowing it was going to set Race off and push him to play dirty, you still took that risk for me?” He faced his biggest fear in order to see me again. Booker was walking through the flames of his own personal hell to reach me. Was it any wonder I’d never managed to escape the hold he had on me?
“I had to.” His voice was pleading, begging me to understand how hard the last four years had been on him. “There was no choice, and I was sick and tired of not having a say in my own future. All I was doing was waiting for you to come to me. It was like the world stopped spinning the second you walked out that door. Nothing else mattered. All I’ve done for four years is go through the motions. I do what I’m told. I follow orders. I toe the line, but every minute of every single day, I was missing you and wondering what we might have been if I hadn’t been such a coward. I was so sure you knew me better than anyone. I was positive you had it all figured out.”
I shook my head in denial and had to force myself to stay in my seat. All I wanted to do was crawl across the car and plant myself in his lap. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and promise to never let him go.
“The things that happened to you in prison,” I got choked up and had to battle against emotion blocking my throat to get the rest of my words out. “Of course you don’t want to go back. I don’t care how big you are now. I don’t care how scary you seem, that place stole something from you. You aren’t a coward, you’re a survivor.” I curled one of my hands into a fist and pounded it against my thigh. “I hate the thought of Race using your fear against you. I’m vindictive enough to exploit his weakness, just to show him how it feels.”
Booker made a noise of agreement but astutely pointed out, “The only weakness Race has is you, your sister, and Dovie. I don’t want to see anything happen to the three of you either, so vengeance isn’t in the cards.”
There was a look of utter relief and understanding on his hard face. I didn’t need to give him anymore for him to recognize all the puzzle pieces had finally fallen into place. I put it together without him saying anything more. It took four years too many to get my head in the game that Race was clearly winning. But now that I was on the board, I was determined to win. I mulled everything over as Booker pulled the car off on an exit and guided us off the main road. He took us into a tiny seaside town I was sure was adorable in the light of day.
“Why didn’t Nassir step in? He obviously likes you and wants to keep you around. Do you think he would really let Race send you back to jail?”
Booker hummed thoughtfully. “He kept me working and let me stay in the Point when Race declared me public enemy number one. I didn’t want to owe him anymore than I already did. Being in debt to guys like Nassir is never a good idea.”
“He’s your friend. If he knew what happened to you,” I let my hands flutter uselessly, knowing there was no chance in hell of Booker opening up to the other man about his past. “I don't think he’d turn you away if you asked him for help.”
Silence settled between us as he drove us toward an old-fashioned chapel in the center of town. He pulled the sedan to a stop next to a massive, lifted pickup truck. I watched him watch the other vehicle. He let out a relieved breath when the passenger door opened and a petite, dark-haired Asian woman jumped to the ground. It was a literal leap since the truck was jacked up so high and the woman was so tiny. She had a slouchy knit hat on her head and was dressed in cargo pants that hung off her slender frame. She also had on a fitted hoodie. She resembled most of the runaways and street kids who slept in the underpasses and alleyways in the city. She had been one of them until fairly recently.
A man made his way around the back end of the truck. He was dressed similarly, but he made the look seem far more tactical and intimidating. He appeared ready to go to war and win single-handedly. Booker couldn't have picked a better best friend in my opinion. Snowden Stark might not say much, but he always showed the fuck up when anyone needed him.
Booker climbed out of the car and gave me a little hand signal indicating it was okay for me to follow. There was a round of hugs and back slapping, and a squeal from the dark-haired woman as Booker lifted her off her feet and squeezed the life out of her. Once he set her down, he offered a hasty introduction and I finally got to meet Noe Lee. She was everything I’d imagined the woman who would capture Stark’s heart to be and then some. There was something about her that screamed fearlessness and defiance. I kind of loved it.
I accepted a stiff, awkward hug from Stark and appreciated the effort he made. Noe must have been a tremendous influence on him over the last four years. Whenever I’d crossed paths with the man in the past, he went out of his way to avoid touching me.
“Glad to see you made it in one piece.” Noe’s voice was rich and filled with sardonic humor. I felt a twinge of sadness, knowing I’d missed a lot by being gone. I would have loved to watch this tiny spitfire bring Stark to his knees.
Booker rolled his shoulders. “Ran into a few problems but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. You get anything from those pictures I sent you of the tracking device? We need to figure out who’s playing games so we can shut him down. I need to know if they’re after me or Karsen so I can decide what our next move needs to be.”
Stark shifted his weight and looked down at the worn toes of his combat boots. The woman at his side leaned subtly into him, using her slight weight to silently comfort the much larger man.
“Those pictures were garbage, but we do have news. Noe’s been digging into the company who leased the apartment and she finally hit on something. We were too close to it to see what was right in front of our faces.”
Booker reached for me and tugged me to his side. I snuggled in under his arm and braced myself for whatever Stark was about to lay at our feet. I was getting used to bad news. It felt like the only kind coming my way lately.
“What did you find?” I felt Booker brace himself and knew he was expecting the worst.
Noe was the one who answered. Maybe it was because she was the newest member of our little tribe, but somehow she managed to stay calm and collected as she told me I wasn’t done being betrayed by the people closest to me just yet.
“The company on the lease is the same company who holds the title on the condos by the docks. It’s the shell corporation Race’s old man used to hide his money from the family. We all thought Race drained those accounts and gave the money to Dovie and his mother, but apparently he didn’t get rid of all of them. Hartman put that guy in the apartment. He’s on golden boy’s payroll, and my guess is he has been ever since you left for Boulder.”
I was suddenly lightheaded. The church swam in front of my eyes and the night sky winked in and out of focus around me. I felt Booker’s hand on the center of my back and his lips at my ear as he promised me it would all be okay.
“He promised he wasn’t going to send someone to watch me. He swore I was going to have a normal life.” The words were choppy and hard to understand.
Stark snorted and lifted a dark eyebrow in my direction. “And you believed him?”
“Not now, boy genius.” Booker barked the order at his friend and received a scowl from the tiny woman in return.
“Simmer down, big boy. I’m not done.” Noe put her hands on her hips and cocked her head to the side. “Once we realized the apartment belonged to Race, we dug a little deeper. The guy he sent to keep an eye on Karsen has been around for a while. Young, like her. I dug through years and years of old security footage from the condos, and Karsen always had the same guy following her. It would totally make sense that Race asked him to play a college kid as a smokescreen. He fits the part. When I say this dude had eyes on her, I don’t mean when she needed security. He was always wherever she was at. I’m talking obsessed stalker status. I’m willing to bet my life savings he volunteered for babysitting duty in Colorado. I think he was waiting for Karsen to be alone, to be out from under Race’s watchful eye and to get over your dumb ass so he could make a move. This is not a new obsession. This guy is serious about getting his hands on your girl.” She looked between Booker and me, nodding when she saw we both understood the seriousness of the situation. “When graduation rolled around, he probably realized his window was closing and you were going back home. He would never get close with Race in the picture, and I think we all knew it was just a matter of time before the two of you figured your shit out. You pushed him to act.”
Booker tightened his one-armed hug and I felt his forehead touch my temple. “I’m going to kill Race. I swear to God.”
I barked out a laugh that was so broken it hurt to hear. “Get in line.”
They said the path to hell was paved with good intentions. If that was the case, Race had built a highway straight into the fire with all his harmful meddling and misguided machinations.
I could see from a distance how he thought he was doing the right thing. . . . But it was all so very, very wrong. I had no idea if I was ever going to be able to forgive him for any of this.
It hit me, what the best revenge would be . . . keeping Booker, loving him the way I always wanted to, building a life with him and diving deep into the darkness he’d tried to keep me from. It would be the ultimate fuck you to my bossy almost brother-in-law. Plus, making it known that Booker was mine and we were together in a forever kind of way would offer its own level of protection. Race had to know if he fucked with my heart again, I was just as likely to end him as Booker was.
I wasn’t just blowing smoke when I told Booker that all the unsavory parts of the Point never bothered me. Unlike my sister, I wasn’t scared of getting my hands a little dirty.