"RAVEN. WHAT’S WRONG?" Suddenly, a strong arm banded protectively around me keeping me from bolting upright, though I probably wouldn’t have hit my head this time because the ceiling was much higher. The tiny twelve bunk formation had been reconfigured to a roomier five.
"I’m sorry.” I took deep breaths and forced my rapid heart rate to slow, telling myself that I was safe here, far from all of the anger and accusation that had tainted my dreams.
"What are you apologizing for?" Lucky asked, lifting up onto his arm his expression filled with concern.
"Nothing. Only that I didn’t mean to wake you. I…” The white bed sheet had slid south around his waist exposing a tantalizing amount of taut skin. I swallowed and lost my train of thought. He had once admitted having difficulty concentrating around me, but did he know that I suffered from the same malady only in a much more advanced form?
"Don’t tell me it’s nothing. Your heart is beating out of control." His right brow dipping, he glided his fingers across my chest. At his soft caress, my pulse slowed to a soothed steady beat as if he had commanded it. My entire body seemed to be hard wired to please him. "You had a bad dream." He smoothed my snarled hair out of my eyes, and I melted when I saw the compassion on his face.
"Yes, I did."
"Tell me about it." He plumped his pillow so it leaned against the wall behind his head and drew me against his side. I dropped my cheek to his chest, heard his heart beat like a metronome beneath my ear and let out a soft sigh. The words tumbled from my lips.
"It’s my father. He hates me.” I didn’t want to divulge the details of the recurrent nightmare I’d been having since my father and I had last argued. “I told you how he blames me. How it has been between us. But I didn’t tell you that he found out about RFC. He called when I was in New York before JGB. He said ugly hateful things. He’s never going to accept me for who I am. I cut him out of my life. I had to... but..."
"It hurts because he’s your dad. And because he’s all you have left."
"Yes.” I gazed at him in wonder. How did he manage to be so insightful? Just like in Boston he zeroed right in on the heart of the matter. I found myself confiding more. “The worst thing is that I know no matter what I do I can never live up to my brother’s memory." A tear escaped, sliding hot across my cool skin.
“I understand, Angel. I used to worry that I was a disappointment to my dad, too. I thought that if only I had been who he wanted me to be that my mom might have stayed and he might have been happier. Turns out that he had regrets of his own about not being a better husband and father. We had a lot of heart to heart chats after his diagnosis. We had to address a lot of issues in a short amount of time. Cancer strips away all of the bullshit.” He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “So trust me when I say I understand how you feel.” He didn’t just swipe through the wet. He pressed his lips to it and kissed my cheek. "It’ll be ok. I don’t think your dad hates you. In fact, I’m certain he loves you, though not the way he should. But I don’t think there’s a guide that tells a father how to act when he loses his wife and son, or a version for a daughter that tells her how to cope when she loses her mom and brother. My dad completely changed after my mum took off. I think it broke something inside him. Hope maybe. It’s hard to give love to someone else properly when you lose that, when all you’ve got left inside are the broken pieces of the person you once were." I stared at him slack jawed. That’s exactly how I felt after losing both my mom and my brother. Did my dad feel the same way, too? Had I been too blinded by my own pain to see my father’s?
"When people hurt they say things they don't mean to the ones they trust will never leave them." Lucky caressed the corner my mouth with his thumb. "I believe it will work out in the end. It'll be ok if you're ok." He brought my head back to his chest. He stroked soothing patterns along the length of my spine, up and then down, until he eventually settled his hand at the base. My heartrate deescalated. My breathing relaxed. "You don’t have to figure it out alone. Trust me with your problems. Let me help you, Raven. Let me love you through them." I heard him whisper those beautiful words as if from far away. My eyes closed as I drifted into oblivion.
Morning came. The harsh light of reality sliced across my tired eyes as someone slid open the door and two silhouetted forms entered the bunk area.
"You shouldn’t have,” a male voice said…Alec. “It was an extravagance. Those savings were meant as a down payment on our future together."
"Life’s too uncertain to put off celebrations. We've been together a year now. Its hotter and better every single day. Why don't you want to acknowledge it?" A pause. "Don't touch me. I can’t be angry with you when you touch me." The sounds of heavy kissing followed. I sat up in the bunk and peered into the slice of light watching as two male bodies intertwined and tumbled into the opposite bunk. My eyes widened as recognition dawned. Cody and Alec. Perfectly styled hair being ruffled by passionate fingers. Masculine fingers on masculine skin. Lips to sculpted searching lips. Rigid control versus unbridled passion. Beauty and symmetry in their desire. I held my breath. I didn’t want to disturb them, but I couldn’t look away. Lucky stirred behind me. He placed his hand on my hip. His fingers were warm against my skin.
"Oh, shit. They're at it again. They always get like this after they argue. Brace yourself." He shifted me so that I was on my back and he hovered over me bracketing me between his arms. The length of his hard body pressed deeper into me as the bus began to rock, and rock, and rock. I recalled my first visit on the bus. The male groans. The heavy breathing. That was only a couple of feet from me now. Their curtain had been drawn closed. But their movements. The sounds... I reached for Lucky, sliding my hands along the hard slabs of the sleek muscles over his spine. He slept naked so my fingers glided smoothly over his skin. He grabbed the hem of my shirt, tore it over my head and tossed it aside before he positioned and glided into me. Already turned on, his hot steely length slid into my slick heat. "But..." I whispered. "Condom." I couldn't remember the last time I had gone bare with anyone. I had never really trusted anyone enough to consider it.
"I’m clean," he whispered. "Test results are under the mattress. They checked everything when I applied for life insurance on myself for Sky. I was waiting for the right moment to ask if..."
"Yes, it’s ok. I’m clean, too, and I’m on the pill." I lifted my hips, taking him deeper and grinding my pussy against him.
He groaned and pulled out till only his thick crown remained inside me, then slid back in again. A wave of heat engulfed me. My scalp and my toes tingled with warm shivers.
"Fuck, yes." He grabbed me by the hips and flipped us so our positions were reversed. He lifted his hips and I ground down. We repeated the motions together, frantic in our frenzy for fulfillment. The cabin of the bus shook with our efforts. Lucky matched the rhythm and the intensity of the duo opposite us. Thrust for thrust. Faster and faster. His cock inside of me felt so good. My teeth sank into the taut skin at his shoulder. His mouth fastened to mine absorbing my scream as I convulsed my climax and he hammered hot streamers of his cum inside me. It sounded like the lovers next to us were doing the same. Dirty as fuck maybe depending on your point of view, but crazy and beautiful in the way that I was beginning to expect every time with Lucky to be.
"MORNING," CODY TOLd me, his cheeks becomingly flushed when he entered the front lounge. I returned his greeting from my spot at the kitchen area without making eye contact. I didn't know how much he had heard of Lucky and me. "It certainly is." He fanned his cheeks. "Oh my God!" He mimicked the inflections of my voice perfectly, then smiled. "Is Lucky really that heavenly?"
"Yes," I replied without hesitation, and since he had obviously heard us, I gave him a dose of his own medicine. "Alec. Please. Oh, yes! Oh, yes!" I trailed off in my own imitation.
"No one rocks the bus and my world like my Alec.” Cody’s gunmetal eyes gleamed.
“Ah,” I said. “So he really is that good.”
“Without a doubt.” Cody nodded. "And I love him madly, but don’t tell anyone. At least for now. We have to keep our relationship secret because the record label insists it’s better for sales if the Dragons are perceived as four single guys. But we’re all in agreement that once we get paid for this tour we’re going to do whatever we please. And it will please me greatly to tell the marketing team at Zenith to sod off."
"You should." I thought of my own troubles with a corporation trying to control my love life. I put my hand on his arm and squeezed it. "Don’t let anyone tell you who you should love. And congrats on your anniversary."
Alec stumbled in, his hair perfectly styled as usual, holding up his half unbuttoned jeans with one hand.
"Morning, sunshine." Cody kissed the bassist's lips.
"I was just telling Cody happy anniversary." I swallowed to moisten my throat as they leaned into each other and deepened the kiss. Man, they were hot together. By now I had realized that it had been only them rocking the bus the first time I visited. Not them and Sky. I had drawn the wrong conclusion. My perception had been wrong about a lot of things. The type of man Lucky was. His relationship to Sky. Cody and Alec. Things weren’t always the way they seemed. "I made breakfast," I explained tucking those thoughts away to examine them more later while gesturing to where I had placed the platter.
"Thanks, it looks great,” Alec commented after glancing at the banquette. “It looks quite healthy actually. But I’m gonna pass. It’s beginning to feel like the fucking Roman Empire in here with fruit on the menu all the time." The bassist ducked to look out the window. We had stopped to refuel at a truck stop just outside of Atlanta. "I think I’ll opt for a breakfast sandwich."
My cheeks burned. "I just thought with Sky..."
"You’re fine. Ignore him. Alec’s just talking rubbish." Cody looked up as Rocky stumbled in wearing only a pair of A&E boxers.
“Morning all.” The Welshman kissed my cheek.
"Hold on." Lucky emerged from the bunk area and pulled me into his side. "No one kisses this one but me." His brows drew together beneath midnight hair that was tousled more than usual because of me.
"No one but you, mate. Are you serious?” The Welshman’s eyes were wide and his tone incredulous. “I guess you missed her with that blonde. The YouTube video on the RFC channel is just a tease, but it is totally hot."
A hurt sound escaped my throat when I saw the shadow that darkened Lucky's eyes. It might have been hot. We might have creatively turned the situation to our advantage. We might be together for the moment, but Rocky’s words reminded me of the troubles that still lay ahead for us. My stomach clenched. Suddenly the breakfast I had laid out didn’t look appealing to me, either.
“Good morning.” Sky yawned.
I mumbled a distracted reply. What was I going to do about the next stop in Atlanta?
"I’m sorry, Raven.” Rocky touched my arm in apology. “I shouldn’t have said what I did. I didn’t mean to offend."
"Apology accepted, though not necessary." I met Rocky's eyes, golden like my own but narrowed in concern, warranted concern. I didn't have a solution. I only knew that I couldn't give him up. I didn’t even want to consider running from what was between Lucky and me anymore.
"May I have a word with you, Angel?" Lucky took the arm Rocky had just touched, wrapped his fingers around it and steered me backward into the sleeping area. I lifted my chin to meet his gaze when he stopped. No clues to his inner thoughts, his handsome face was shuttered. I wanted to rewind, climb back in bed with him and draw the curtain. To have him look at me again as if I were his entire world. I would never come out of the bunk if I could make that a reality twenty-four seven.
"It’s about Atlanta. Before we get to the hotel, I want you to know that Rocky is volunteering to be fuck number eight. Is that ok with you?"
"I don't know." My stomach churned on that possibility. "Is that really acceptable to you?" Given the way the lead singer had reacted about his drummer’s kiss on my cheek this morning, I was afraid it might not be. "Nothing will really happen of course. It will be acting for the camera, but I have to pretend to like what he does. And I don’t want to cause strife between you and him. And what about Sky? How will she feel if she sees me with him?" I scrubbed my hands over my face and pressed them over my eyes. "The last thing in the world I want to do is hurt either of you."
He didn’t speak. I lowered my hands. Lucky was staring at me, his expression blank. “What do you mean?” His brow furrowed in confusion. “What has Sky got to do with any of this?"
"I think she might be in love with Rocky." My eyes widened when I saw his face blanch. "How could you not know with all of you on this bus together?"
He blinked, but his gaze took on a faraway look. I think he was slowly putting clues together he had missed about the drummer and his sister. Meanwhile, I cobbled together a vision of my own that disconcerted me. Lucky’s words from Boston about us fucking each other up if I continued with the RFC seemed like a prophesy.
THE HARD ROCK was the next venue. It was just across the street from our hotel. The guys were already at sound check. I was with Marsha in our room. Against my better judgment, I had reluctantly agreed to let Rocky be number eight.
What other option did I have?
Running a brush through my wet hair while imagining Lucky doing it instead, I tried to set aside my misgivings as Marsha emerged from her turn in the shower. Shuffling toward me on her bare feet, her form draped by a robe that matched my own, she dropped onto the mattress beside me.
"Smith called me several times after you took off in NOLA." She gave me a concerned side glance. "I don’t know who blabbed but she knows you were on the Dragons’ tour bus."
"She left messages on my cell." My fingers curled tightly around the handle of my brush. I wanted to dig my nails into my skin.
"You need to return her calls. The hits on the last teaser we put up with you, Ash and Renee is already at over two hundred million. RFC is not going away, honey. It’s huge now. Some girls in the lobby recognized me. They asked me if I knew who you would choose tonight. They asked if I could get them a pass to the after-party."
My brows rose. “What did you tell them?”
“I told them I had no clue and if they wanted passes they could contact the marketing department.” She shook her head. “But I feel bad. They came from Charleston. They drove all the way here hoping to see you. They’re starting their own chapter of the club."
"I keep telling myself it’s almost over but I don’t think it’s ever going to be." I sighed.
"I know you want it to be now because of Lucky. But surely he understands you signed a contract. Surely he can see the bigger picture."
"The problem is that the big picture includes him now. And you. Not to mention Sky, and the rest of the Dragons."
"Oh, Raven. You can’t look out for all of us. We're grownups. We're each responsible for our own choices and happiness."
Her declaration made me think about what Lucky had said to Charles Morris on the phone. How he had implied that the next album would take longer to finish if he wasn’t happy. Could I use a similar tactic with the exec at WMO? After all, I was the star of the RFC. Didn’t I have some leverage? I pressed my lips together as I again considered perceptions and expectations, both my own and those of the many who were watching my every move. Like Cody and Alec I could keep my relationship with Lucky secret. The key would be working that out in my own terms so that the people I cared about didn’t get hurt. It wasn’t in my nature not to think about them even though what Marsha said was true. Relationships enrich our lives. I had lost too many not to hold on tightly to the ones I still had. Complacency. Defeatism. Resignation. Those weren't words I would allow into my vocabulary.
First, I would talk to Smith, then to Lucky. I needed to determine what I could do to make him feel more secure about where we stood. Who I was as the RFC chick was only a small part of me. The totality of who I had become with him was far greater.