Chapter 16
Melissa
“You what?”
“We had phone sex, Ava. It just sort of morphed. And quickly too. That means he was wanting it as well, right?”
“And this is your doctor,” Ava said.
“Brandon, yes.”
“I’m sure that breaks I don’t know how many rules in his handbook,” she said.
“Then you’ll be even more shocked when I tell you he’s taking me out to dinner tonight,” I said.
“Holy hell, you must really like this guy,” she said.
“I enjoy his company, yes.”
“Well, it’s about damn time. Honestly? It’s a bit hot that it’s your doctor. I like a good doctor every now and again,” she said.
“How are things going with Logan’s father?” I asked.
“Eh. It is what it is. I don’t see a romantic relationship brewing, but he is there for Logan when he needs to be. Plus, he’s regularly divvying out child support, which has made some things a hell of a lot easier.”
“Good. My gosh, I’m so glad to hear that,” I said.
“But back to you and Brandon. You know this isn’t normal, right? Patients don’t have these types of relationships with doctors regularly.”
“I know, I know. Is it that bad? Should I cancel tonight?”
“What? Cancel? Hell, no! Melissa, this is a good thing. I’ve been telling you for a while that you weren’t coping with the loss of Carl. You need to understand that wanting a man in your life who isn’t your late husband is all right. Give yourself permission to enjoy this date.”
“It’s not a date,” I said.
“It’s totally a date. You don’t realize it yet, but when you look into his eyes, you’ll feel differently.”
“And you know this how?” I asked.
“Because when you talk about him, your eyes light up.”
I sat back and let her words sink in. I really was looking forward to dinner tonight. I didn’t feel guilty about it, and I was looking forward to Brandon’s company for the evening. Carl’s parents had agreed to take Sarah for the evening, and they even seemed to be excited that I was going out and doing something for myself. They were picking her up from school today, which meant I could take my time getting ready, and for a moment, I just closed my eyes.
I conjured his face as it smiled at me. The warmth that cascaded up my legs brought tears to my eyes, and as I studied his body in my mind, I realized Ava was right.
Whatever I was feeling for Brandon, it was there with a vengeance.
“Let me know how tonight goes,” she said, smiling. “I’ve gotta get back to work.”
“Thanks for talking with me, Ava.”
“Anytime. And Melissa?”
“Yeah?”
“Allow yourself to have fun tonight. If there’s anyone on this planet who deserves it, it’s you.”
I finished up work and raced home to get ready. I knew exactly what I was going to wear to dinner. I had this pale yellow and dark green dress that fell off my shoulders and hit me just below my knees. It accentuated my waist without clinging to my jiggling stomach, and I had matching earrings and a bracelet to go along with it. I pinned my hair up and splashed on a bit of makeup before I slipped into my heels, and by the time I grabbed my coat, there was a knock at my door.
“Brandon?” I asked as I opened it.
“I tried calling you, but I think your phone’s off,” he said. “I didn’t know if you wanted me to pick you up, so I figured I’d just come to the address in your file. If you want to follow me, that’s fine. I just couldn’t get ahold of you to solidify anything for tonight.”
I dug for my phone out of my purse and realized it had been cut off. I groaned, turning it on as a flood of messages came through my phone. Text messages from Ava wishing me luck and a video message from Sarah saying she loved me while she stuffed her face with popcorn. Then, the messages from Brandon came flooding through, asking about where I wanted to eat and if he was picking me up.
“I am so sorry, Brandon,” I said. “I must’ve toggled it at some point in time and not realized it.”
“It’s all right. I figured we could go to Bestia’s. You ever been there?” he asked.
“I never get to that side of L.A., to be honest. That’s the Italian place, right?”
“Yep,” he said as I stepped out of the house. “Figured that would be a nice middle ground. Everyone likes pasta, right?”
“I love pasta,” I said. “Especially with asiago cheese alfredo sauce.”
“Then that’s what we can get you this evening,” he said, grinning.
“Do you mind if I ride with you? My night vision’s terrible, to be honest.”
“Not a problem, though you should get something like that checked out,” he said as he opened my door.
“My vision got rough after having Sarah. Well, that and my body.”
“Melissa, look at me.”
I looked over at him as he slid beside me into the car. He shut the door and cocked his body toward me before his eyes raked down my body. I could feel him devouring me, taking every single part of my outfit in before a small smile crossed his cheeks.
“You look phenomenal,” he said.
“Thanks.”
The ride to the restaurant was filled with laughter. He kept telling me stories of all the stuff he got into at college with his buddies. Drunken parties and random weekend trips. One night stands gone wrong and odd ways to fall in love. Apparently, one of his college buddies ended up falling in love with a woman he had a one-night stand with at a concert. They just went at it on the ground and somehow woke up together sleeping next to the trash can bins, and that somehow equated into a lifetime of love.
“They have three kids now, and I tease them about consummating them in places like dump yards and behind scrap metal shops.”
“You do not!” I said, laughing.
“I do, and it’s perfect. Their story is unique to them, and I love listening to them tell it to anyone who will listen.”
Dinner was fabulous. The alfredo pasta I had boasted of enough cheese to clog my veins for a week. There wasn’t a moment of guilt that wafted up in my system as I sat across the table from Brandon, and I took that as some sort of advancement. I reveled in his smile and listened to his stories. I regaled him with how I met Carl and the day we got married, and not once did my stomach roll with hurt or anguish. I could freely talk about these things with him. He listened attentively, but I never once felt as if the memories were eating me alive.
Maybe I was getting better after all.
“So, Melissa. Have you given any thought to that hobby of yours?” he asked.
“Actually, yes. I have.”
“Good! Then let’s hear it,” he said.
“I mean, it’s just a bit of reading. I went out and picked up your book, actually.”
“You did?” he asked.
“I did. I’m only past the first chapter, but I’m looking forward to reading it.”
“You’ll have to let me know how you like it once you finish,” he said.
“I can do that.”
The fuller we got, the more the conversation dwindled. Our raucous laughter turned to quiet conversation, and then Brandon insisted he pay for the entire meal. I tried to convince him that I could pay for myself, especially since dinner was partially my idea on Monday. But he wasn’t having any of it, and I finally relinquished the check to him.
But when he drove me home and walked me up to my door, something inside me snapped.
I threw my arms around his neck and thrust my lips upon his. At first, I felt him take a step back. I felt him grow rigid underneath my touch as his hands stayed at his sides. I moved my lips against his, coaxing it from him as his hands slowly made their way to my hips, and by the time I pulled away, he was following me for more.
“Would you like to come inside?” I asked.
I felt him nod against my forehead, so I turned and unlocked my door. I took his hand and ushered him into my home, but I didn’t even get the light on before his hands were all over me again. He peeled my coat off as we sank to my couch, and my hands ran over the strength of his chest. His lips devoured mine, which swelled underneath his pressure, and then they traveled down my neck.
His nips made me jump as I panted on the couch cushions. I pulled his shirt from his pants and ran my fingertips up his skin. I felt the divots of his muscles as I traced their ghostly outlines. I could feel him shaking underneath my feather-like movements as his lips peppered my chest with kisses. My hands raked through his hair, pulling him closer to me as my legs parted for him.
I felt his hand sliding up my thigh, reaching toward a center where I so desperately wanted him to be.
His fingers dancing over my wet panties, and for a moment, I simply took it all in. The warmth of his body. The strength of his cover. The surprising softness of his touch. I locked my lips with his again as he pulled my panties back, and I shivered when I felt his fingertips part my glistening folds.
I moaned into his mouth before my head fell back to the couch. His fingertips roamed my pussy, causing my legs to jump and tremble at his touch. He sucked a patch of my skin between his teeth, playing with it until it welted before he released. I arched into his hand, grinding down onto him as his fingers slid into my wet warmth, and his mouth swallowed my groans before his thumb found my throbbing clit.
“Holy fuck, yes.”
My juices dripped onto the couch as he began his beautiful touches. He peppered my face with kisses, watching me as I chased my own pleasure. I could feel his rock hard cock throbbing against me. The thickness of his cock took my breath away, and I reached down and palmed it as he groaned into the crook of my neck. His breath was hot, shooting electricity down my spine as my pussy began to clench. He sped up his movements as I moaned for him, raking my fingernails across his clothed back as I planted my heels into the couch.
“Yes, Brandon. Keep going. Just like that. Oh my, holy hell. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Don’t stop.”
He peppered my neck in kisses as stars burst behind my eyes. My back arched into his hand as my pussy gripped down onto his fingers, and I pulled his lips down onto mine while he swallowed my moans. My body shivered underneath him, my juices pouring onto his hand as my back dropped down to the couch.
Then, it happened. That slow-growing guilt choked my throat.
“Get off,” I whispered.
“Hmm?”
“Get off me,” I said.
His eyes studied mine, no doubt seeing the panic rising in them. He quickly slid from between my legs, and then he offered me his hand. I knocked it away, sitting up as I felt my breath coming in quick spurts.
It happened again.
I’d allowed another man access to my body, a man who wasn’t Carl.
“Oh, no,” I breathed.
“Melissa, listen to me. Can you hear my voice?” Brandon asked.
“No, no, no, no, no,” I whispered.
“Melissa, I need to know you can hear me.”
“Yes,” I choked out.
I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I curled up on the couch. I could feel my body shaking as images of Carl bombarded my mind. Me in my wedding dress. The tears he cried as I walked down the aisle. The way he held my hand as I gave birth to our daughter. I’d desecrated our home with the touch of another man. I smelled the scent of cologne that wasn’t his underneath my fingertips.
Just that quickly, I’d breached the agreement Brandon and I had set in place only two days ago, and suddenly my quiet cries began aching sobs.
“Melissa, it’s all right. Just let it out.”
I could feel Brandon sit down next to me, but I scurried away. I tucked myself into the corner of the couch as I soaked my hands with my tears. What the fuck was I doing? Why the hell couldn’t I control myself? I couldn’t keep doing this with him. I had to find another doctor. I had to get myself under control.
I couldn’t keep going down this path.
“I’m going to wrap my arms around you, all right?” he asked.
“Okay,” I said breathlessly.
“All right, here I come.”
His strong arms wrapped around me as he pulled me into his chest. I grasped the fabric of his shirt and sobbed into his body as he pulled me into his lap. The guilt was wafting bile up my throat as I began to heave, and I felt Brandon massaging the back of my neck as I tried to take deep breaths through my nose.
“That’s it. Deep breaths. You’re fine, you’re safe, and it’s only us.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” he said soothingly.
“I’m so brok—”
“Don’t you even finish that statement, Melissa. You are not broken. You are grieving. We have a history, and I’m your doctor. It’s made us muddle things a bit. You’re not broken, and you most certainly have not backtracked, so don’t think it for one second,” he said.
“I threw myself at you.”
“And I caught you willingly in my arms. Nothing is wrong. You are safe. Just take deep breaths.”
I slowly relaxed into his body as my sobs finally cleared. My body ached with guilt and resentment for my own life. I buried my face into the crook of his neck as he held me close, and I simply tried to digest the guilt I was feeling.
After all, that’s what he would’ve had me do in one of our sessions.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
“No,” I whispered.
“I don’t feel good leaving you like this,” he said.
“But you have to. You have Max,” I said.
“He’s with my mom. I don’t have to get him until tomorrow afternoon. Where’s Sarah?”
“With Carl’s parents,” I whimpered.
“You’ve done nothing wrong, Melissa. I need you to hear me when I tell you this. The things you felt and the things you wanted to do, no matter if they were with me or another man, they’re things you naturally want as a human. As a woman. The guilt takes time to work through, but I need you to hear me when I tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty for. You are breaking no vows or promises to anyone by indulging something that makes you feel good.”
“When does it go away?” I asked.
“The more you allow yourself to indulge in a life you’ve rejected because of your loneliness, the less the guilt has an impact. You’re used to being intimate with Carl. Not another man. Processing the fact that you’re doing this with someone else takes time just like processing that Carl’s gone takes time. But it’s actually allowing yourself to accept the reality that allows you to cope, which slowly alters the chemical reactions your body initiates.”
“How did you get so smart?” I asked.
“I suppose it’s that expensive college education I got way back in the day.”
I giggled, snuggling into him as I breathed a sigh of relief. I could breathe, and I wasn’t shaking. My joints hurt, and my eyes were sore, but there was something inside of me that I couldn’t deny.
That I didn’t want to deny.
No matter how much it reinforced the fact that Carl was gone.
“Please don’t leave just yet,” I said, whispering.
“I wasn’t planning on it. I’ll stay as long as you like,” he said.
“Will you stay the night?”
I felt him look down at me, and I met his gaze with my own. He was studying me, probably trying to figure out if that was a good idea. I raised my hand to cup his cheek as my thumb danced along his lips, and in that very moment, I knew the role he was destined to play. Yes, he was my doctor. Yes, he was the man who broke my heart as a teenager. But, he was also the man who would help me heal and help me navigate this new transition in my life. He could help me figure out what was going on with me, so I could live a healthier and better life with my child.
And if I was lucky, he’d stay.
“It makes me a little nervous to leave you in this condition, so I suppose I could do that. I could sleep out on the couch and—”
I climbed out of his lap and held out my hand. He looked at it curiously before he slid his hand in mine, and I slowly pulled him from the couch. I turned around, heading for the stairs as his hand gripped mine tightly, and we ventured up the steps before I opened the door to my bedroom.
He climbed into bed with me and held me close, running his fingers through my hair as I slowly fell asleep against his chest. My arms wrapped around his stomach while his arms surrounded my entire body, and for the first time since Carl died, I felt beautiful.
Wanted.
Cherished.
And not once did a nightmare plague me that night.