CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
HUGO
I take a long drag of the joint, sucking back all that numbing goodness into my lungs. This stuff is the shit.
Blondie groans as she sucks my cock, her head bobbing up and down. My head falls back against the headboard as my mind starts to check out in a blurry haze. I can feel her mouth wrapped around my dick, but I can’t really feel it, you know?
“Hugo!” Oh wait, she’s stopped. I tilt my head forward, frowning at her. Why has she stopped? “Are you going to come any time today?”
I laugh. “Suck a little harder and maybe I might.” I drawl.
She slaps my chest hard enough to leave a sting behind. “You know what, fuck you!”
“Ah, don’t be like that.” I lift my hand to grab her, but my arm feels heavy and useless.
“You’re a fucking drunk.” She pulls her dress back up and zips it, before grabbing her bag and storming out of the room. Actually I’m a stoner right now, and a drunk. I tilt my head to the side and glance at the glowing red numbers of my bedside clock. It’s three in the afternoon. Nearly there. Nearly made it through another day.
I am a man with nothing to lose and nothing to gain, I’m just existing. Funny how I always thought I had everything. Nothing has changed, and yet suddenly I feel as though I have nothing, as though every achievement in my life is now meaningless. I have no purpose. I’m lost.
I grab the bottle of whiskey off the bedside table and take big gulp. I have no idea how long I stay there, but by the time I’m done I’ve smoked two joints and downed the entire bottle. I feel fucking fantastic. I can barely see, and I definitely can’t think straight, which is exactly what I was aiming for.
There’s a knock on the door. I frown. No-one is here except me and Gary.
“Gaz?” I ask.
The door slowly creaks open until it hits the wall. Theo is standing in the doorway sporting a designer suit. His eyebrows pulled together as he sighs heavily.
“Really Hugo?”
“Hey. Want some whiskey?” I hold up the bottle, but it’s empty. He cocks an eyebrow. “There’s more.” I sit up and roll off the bed. Ah, fuck, I’m really pissed. I stagger towards the door, but he steps forward, steering me back to the bed. I fall into a sitting position when the edge of the mattress hits the back of my knees.
“You look like shit. Your flat looks like a fucking homeless person lives here. Where’s Maria?”
“Nice to see you too. I gave Maria some time off.” I can’t talk properly. My tongue feels fat in my mouth.
“What are you doing?” He asks. I can almost feel the weight of his judgement, which is funny, because when Lilly kicked him to the curb, I was pretty sure he was going to drink himself to death. I’m not that drunk. I’m just stoned. That’s much safer, and I’d like to point out, more effective.
“Drinking.” Isn’t that obvious?
“And smoking weed.” He corrects.
I smile and my eyes start to close. My eyelids feel so heavy. “Yeah, it was good.”
He grabs my shoulders and shakes me, making my teeth rattle. “What?” I swat at him.
“You need to sort your shit out dude. You’ve been doing this for a week now. She rejected you. It happens.”
I can’t think of her without feeling sick. I feel like I’m fucking dying without her, and that shit is fucked up. “I don’t want her.” I tell him.
“Oh really? So, the fact that she broke up with Alex is of no interest to you?”
My eyes fly open. “She broke up with Alex?” He nods. “Why didn’t you tell me you prick?”
He shrugs. “Because you would have made a move and she needs time.”
“Fuck her time. She needs to stop pretending. ”
He shakes his head. “Look, she’s in a shit place. Obviously she was moving in with Alex, and then they broke up. Her dad wouldn’t renew the tenancy on the flat, so she’s living with us for now.”
I stare at him blankly for a few seconds. What am I supposed to say to that? Fuck, what if he found out about me and her and broke up with her? That would suck. Okay, so I’ll admit that would make me a little bit happier. I hate that guy, and I fucking hate the idea of her being with him, putting on that bullshit good girl crap. I’m not selfless enough to think past that singular fact.
“Why did they break up?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Fuck knows, but I know she broke it off with him. Poor guy is fucking gutted.” As if I give a shit.
I take a cigarette from the packet beside the bed and place it between my lips. I let the thick smoke fill my lungs, clearing my head slightly. For the first time in over a week I don’t feel lost. I feel like I need to do something, although I’m not sure what yet.
“You’ve got that look.” Theo narrows his eyes at me.
“What look? I have no look.” I say, waving my hand around. Ash from the cigarette falls all over the bed.
He pries it from my fingers and throws it in the ash tray. “The look that says you’re going to do something really fucking stupid.”
“I don’t do stupid things, I do genius things.” I tell him.
“Oh god.” He drags his hand down his face.
“You go play with Lilly. I’m fine.”
“You’re going to see Molly, aren’t you?”
“No.” I’m actually not. I once read in a girly magazine that women want a grand gesture. Well, I’m going to give her a grand gesture alright.
“If you do, at least do yourself a favour and wash and shave. You look like a hobo.” With that he picks up the discarded whiskey bottles from around the room and walks out the door. “And get Maria back in here, it’s fucking gross.” He shouts from down the hallway. Dick.
I start to form a plan in my mind. Shit, I need coffee. I need to sober up, make some calls and get shit together. I will fucking win Molly over if it kills me.
Five hours later and I’m ready. It’s amazing the things you can do if you have enough money.
I send Molly a text.
I know you don’t want to see me, but you are going to want to see this. Meet me here at 7pm. Xxx
I attach a map link and hit send. This is it, my grand gesture, my last ditch attempt. I’m not like Theo, I’m not cut out for a ‘to the death’ chase. I’m flying blind here, because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m twenty nine years old and yet I’ve never done the dating thing, or certainly not properly. I did date this girl in college, but I think I fucked half the female population of London while I was with her. What can I say? I’m an arsehole.
Molly doesn’t text back. This might just be a huge waste of time. This is stupid. She made herself perfectly fucking clear the last time I saw her. I’m not good enough for her, and don’t I fucking know it.
I pace backwards and forwards in front of the window, over-looking a small park. Funny that I own this flat, but I’ve never been inside it. It’s nice, not too big but in a good location. I take a sip of my espresso. I’ve managed to sober up, but I have a hangover kicking in. A shot of whiskey would sort me out, but I need to be sober for this. I check my watch. Seven fifteen.
I’ve pretty much accepted that she’s not coming, when I hear a soft knock from the front door. I left the door ajar, hoping that she would turn up. The door creaks open slowly, revealing Molly, standing motionless. She freezes when she sees me, her eyes slowly lifting to meet mine. She looks different, harder somehow, angry.
“I didn’t think you would come.” I tell her honestly.
She takes a heavy breath. “Neither did I.”
My eyes rake over her body. She looks fucking hot. She’s got those damn thigh high boots on that make me want to fuck her senseless. Her dress is so short and tight that it leaves a wide strip of her toned thighs exposed. I inhale sharply, as my cock instantly hardens. I don’t think I’ve ever had a hard-on I didn’t want, but I really don’t want to stand here with a raging erection while she tells me again how I’m not fucking good enough.
“Why have you brought me here, Hugo?” She asks.
“To help.” I drag my hand through my hair. She narrows her eyes and put a hand on her hip.
“How are you going to help me?” I close the distance between us until I’m standing in front of her.
“Hold out your hand.” She flashes me a suspicious look but obeys. I grab her wrist, and drop the keys to the flat into her palm. “It’s yours.” I say quietly before closing her fingers around the cool metal.
Her eyes slowly lift to mine. I watch as she slowly comprehends what just happened. “What do you mean, it’s mine?” She whispers.
“I used to own this flat, and now you own it, just as soon as you sign the paperwork.” I nod toward the coffee table where the solicitor has left the paperwork and a bottle of champagne.
“Oh my god.” She says angrily. “You’re unbelievable.” Okay, not the reaction I was going for. “You can’t fucking buy me, Hugo!”
“I’m not trying to buy you.” I argue. “I’m just trying to help.” Why would she be mad about this? I’ll never understand women.
“You don’t just buy someone a flat!”
I shrug. “I have more money than I know what to do with.” She watches me closely. “And I can’t stand the idea of you being unhappy. I’m not trying to buy you, I just care about you and I want you to have a place to call your own, that’s all.” I turn towards the door. She hates me, and I deserve that.
I’m nearly at the door when she speaks. “Why do you do this!?” She shouts, her voice trembling.
“Do what?” I snap, glancing over my shoulder at her. There’s no fucking pleasing her. Whatever I do is wrong.
“Do you want to hurt me? Do you enjoy it?” A tear slips down her cheek as her body visibly shakes.
I spin around and take a step towards her. “What? No, of course not.”
“Why are you doing this?” She asks quietly.
I pause. Why am I doing this? I know the answer, but I don’t want to voice it. I take a deep breath and meet her eyes. “You know why.” I growl.
There’s a beat of silence, and my teeth are clenched so hard I feel like they’re going to crack.
She picks up the bottle of champagne off the table and throws it at me, I dodge it and it smashes into the wall behind me. “Fuck you!”
“Molly…”
“You’re so full of shit, Hugo! You don’t want me, you just don’t want anyone else to have me!” She screams.
“No…”
“You’re a fucking arsehole!” Next, she grabs a vase, throwing it until it smashes on the floor. “I’m not your toy!”
“I fucking love you, you crazy bitch!” I shout, as I dodge her handbag which she throws at my head.
There’s a brief pause as we both absorb what I just said. Fuck, I said that out loud.
“You don’t get to say that to me!” She screams, tears streaming down her face as her whole body trembles.
Without hesitation I close the gap between us and pull her into my arms. She struggles and tries to push me away. “Fuck you!” She rasps through her tears. I don’t let go. I hold her until the fight leaves her and she cries into my chest. I did this to her, and for the first time in my life, I feel guilty for my actions.
“I’m sorry.” I mumble, into her hair.
“What do you want from me?” She cries.
I watch her for a second, debating what to say, but fuck it, what have I got to lose? She already fucking hates me. I have no right to ask anything of her, but I can’t not ask her for this. “You know what I want. I want you.”
There’s a long silence as her sobs quiet, replaced by her heavy breaths. “I can’t do this with you.” She shakes her head, and pushes away from me slightly. “You won’t just hurt me Hugo, you will fucking ruin me.” Her voice breaks. “And when you fuck up it will destroy me.”
I brush a strand of hair off her face and tuck it behind her ear. “I can’t promise that I won’t fuck up, but won’t the high be worth the fall?”
Her eyes lock with mine and I can see the indecision in them. “Not if the fall breaks me.” She breathes.
“And what if you don’t fall?” I whisper.
“You have to come down from the high at some point. That’s the problem with you, when it’s good it doesn’t compare to anyone or anything else, but when it’s bad, I wish I’d never met you.” Her voice trembles. “You make me want you in one breath and hate you the next.”
I wrap my arms around her tighter, terrified of letting her go. “I won’t fuck this up again Molly. I don’t know how to do this, but you have me in knots over here babe.” I have to convince her. I need her.
“Hugo, you have no idea what a relationship entails. You can’t even keep it in your pants, and I can’t watch you fuck other women.”
A small smile pulls at my lips as I gently cup her cheek. Her eyes flutter shut as she draws in a ragged breath. “I don’t want other women. I just want you.”
She presses her lips together opens her eyes. “You ask too much.”
I shake my head. “I only ask for a chance.” Her eyes search my face. I guess she’s looking for some kind of justification, something tangible that makes me worth the risk. “You said you loved me.” I breathe.