CHAPTER NINETEEN
HUGO
I wake up, and I have no idea where I am for a few moments. I look at the empty space in the bed next to me. No random body occupying it. Strange.
As my hazy vision comes into focus I start to recognise the room vaguely. Dark grey walls, girly chandeliers and curtains. It’s one of Theo’s spare rooms.
I sit up and groan. Fuck! My brain feels like it’s going to fall out. My mouth tastes like a rodent crawled in, took a shit, and then curled up and died in it. My eyes feel like someone rubbed sand into my eyeballs. That was a heavy night.
Theo and I went to Allure, and then decided to hit the strip club. I told him to go. That poor bastard is so pussy whipped it makes me sick. Who the fuck goes to a strip club and doesn’t even look at the strippers? That’s not sweet, or loyal, it’s just fucking tragic. If I ever get like that, I want someone to just put me the fuck down.
He didn’t though, and apparently I got so trashed he thought I needed to sleep here.
I stagger out of the bed and into the bathroom, taking a piss in the shower, because my morning glory and lack of vision means I’m unlikely to have great aim this morning.
My clothes smell of booze and cigarette smoke, but I throw them on. I think the fact that I managed to get myself undressed when I was that drunk is a fucking achievement. I usually have help with that shit.
The house is quiet, but then, it’s no longer London’s number one party spot I guess. I go to the kitchen and search the cupboards until I find a bottle of vodka and a short glass. I pour out a good couple of fingers worth. This is going to be fucking horrible, but it’s for the greater good. I haven’t had a proper hangover since I was fifteen, but then arguably I probably haven’t been truly sober since then either. I neck the shot and shudder as bile rises up my throat. Oh god that’s nasty. I’m sitting on a bar stool holding my head in my hands when Lilly walks in.
“Wow, you look rough as shit this morning.” She says, as she starts fiddling with the coffee machine.
“Thanks. That’s the look I was going for.” Five more minutes and the vodka will kick in. I just have to survive until then.
“Uh-huh.” She nods toward the bottle of vodka in front of me. “Hair of the dog?”
“I don’t cope well with hangovers.”
“No shit.” She cocks an eyebrow at me. “Ever considered drinking less, you know, going to the root of the problem?”
I snort. “Be fucking serious.” She makes her coffee and takes a seat at the bar across from me, leaning her elbows on the counter top. She blows on the steaming mug and says nothing. The silence is bordering on uncomfortable.
“So…nice weather today.” I say
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Really, Hugo?”
“I don’t like awkward silences.” I defend myself. “It was getting weird.”
She rolls her eyes. “So talk.”
“I just did.”
“About something that actually matters, not stupid bullshit. And when I say something that actually matters, what I mean is, the big pink fucking elephant in the room, and no doubt the reason that you are sat in my house at nine o’ clock on a Saturday morning smelling like a brewery.” Jesus Christ, she pulls no fucking punches.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I sniff. The vodka is kicking in now, and my head feels clearer.
She narrows her eyes at me. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re fucking spineless Hugo.” She’s angry, like properly angry.
I frown. “What the hell got up your arse?”
She puts her coffee down and glances across the room, saying nothing for a few minutes.
“I told Theo I wouldn’t get involved, but I swear to god, you are the stupidest fucking person I’ve ever met.” She mumbles. “Molly.” Just the sound of her name makes me want to down that fucking bottle right now. “You’re spineless when it comes to Molly.”
I set my face into a casual mask and shrug. “Molly knows the situation. She’s always known the situation.”
Her eyes flick up, locking with mine and making me want to shrink back. I don’t know how Theo has any balls left. Bitch is scary.
“Wake up Hugo. How long are you going to keep drinking and fucking your way through life?”
“I didn’t ask for your judgement if I recall.” I say icily.
She slaps her hands against the work top. “You know what? I have no problem with you as a person, but I will always always hate you for my best friend.” Well, at least she’s honest. “Because she is kind, and good. She puts everyone else before herself.” She tilts her head to the side. “And you are fundamentally selfish. You can’t help it.” She grits her teeth. “You do nothing but hurt her, and you don’t deserve her.”
I rub my hand over my face. “Don’t you think I know this? You don’t have to preach to me about how good Molly is. I know.”
She watches me carefully. “You care about her, I know that much.”
I close my eyes, picturing Molly’s face. “Of course I care about her. She’s one of my best friends.” Was. She was one of my best friends. Maybe the best. “And she’s too good for me, like you said.”
She nods. “She is too good for you.” She takes a deep breath, and traces her index finger around the top of her coffee cup. “And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you don’t get to make that decision for her.”
My eyes widen as I look up at her. “What?”
She rolls her eyes. “You’ve never hidden what you are from her Hugo. She knows how bad you can be. She sees every fucked up inch of you, and yet she loves you. Fuck knows why.” She adds. “You don’t get to tell her she’s too good. She is the one who gets to decide if you’re not good enough, and not once has she ever thought that you aren’t good enough.” I clench my fists and drop my head forward. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why is she saying this shit to me?
“She…she doesn’t know me. She thinks she sees something good, but trust me, all I’m good for is fucking. Her wanting me is just some romantic bullshit.”
A small smile pulls at her lips as she shakes her head. “She loves you, and Molly’s love is something precious. Trust me.”
“Alex is the guy for her, I’m not. Besides, I thought you were all ‘team Alex’.” I huff as jealousy tries to get a hold on me. In my mind I’ve let Molly go, but damn, the thought of that bloody doctor touching her has me pissed off. I clench my fists as my temper threatens. Fucking hell. When did I become this unstable?
Lilly smiles wide. “Jealous?” I quirk an eyebrow at her and press my lips together. “I’m telling you this, because I want my best friend to be happy. Her version of happy, not what you or I think will make her happy.” She explains. “Yes, she’s with Alex, but would she be if you had manned the fuck up months ago and grown a set?”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” I say, trying to close down the conversation. I can’t deal with this shit. It fucks with my head.
She stands up and puts her empty coffee mug in the sink. “Oh, and by the way, he asked her to move in with him, and she said yes. I thought you might like to know. She moves on Monday.” With that she walks out of the room.
That sly bitch. I drag my hands through my hair and reach for the bottle of vodka, pouring out another couple of fingers worth and necking it. Images of Molly flick through my mind, and an ache forms in my chest. I rub at it, trying to ease it. I don’t need her, and I certainly don’t love her. I don’t even know what love feels like.
I miss her though. I miss the sound of her voice, and the way she smiles when I do something fucking stupid. I miss the way her perfume smells on my sheets, and the way she always holds my arm in a fucking death grip whenever I spoon her, as if I might try and escape. I miss her warmth. She carries it around with her like some unseen force, drawing everyone to her. I just miss her, everything about her. My life is brighter when she’s around, and now everything just feels so dark and pointless. Why am I so obsessed with her?
I was never this into her when I was fucking her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an epic lay, but that’s all she was, a lay. Now, here I am, missing a girl who I haven’t even fucked for the past six months. Well, shit.
And now she’s moving in with Alex, the guy who is everything I’m not. He’s who she should be with, he’s good for her. So why do I feel so fucking gutted about it?
After my conversation with Lilly this morning, I ended up finishing that bottle of vodka. Theo said that he and Lilly are going out to Poison tonight. Apparently they’re taking Molly and Alex out to celebrate them moving in together. I was invited, but something tells me it was a cursory invite. Fuck that.
I walk into Poison and scan the crowd. My vision is blurred from all the vodka. Fuck, I’m surprised I can still walk. I’ve drunk enough to put an elephant down. I spot Theo standing at the bar talking to Alex. Brilliant. I stagger over there and clap my hand on Theo’s shoulder.
“Hey dude.”
“Theo, Alex.” I half wave, but my arms aren’t responding very well.
“Hey.” Alex says politely. Always so fucking polite. Jesus, I want to punch him, just to see whether he’ll apologise for hurting my fist.
“I didn’t think you were coming.” Theo says with a fake arse smile on his lips. I narrow my eyes at him. Fucking traitor, hanging out with Molly and the good guy she’s fucking now.
“Changed my mind.” I call over a barman and order two shots of tequila. Best wrap up the night in style by vomiting and passing out.
Theo wraps his hand around my neck and leans into me. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks quietly.
I laugh. “I came to wish the happy couple luck.”
“Hugo.” He growls. “You didn’t want her.”
“Don’t fucking tell me what I do or don’t want. You have no fucking idea.” I say, taking the shots the barman puts on the bar and handing him a twenty pound note.
Theo’s fingers tighten on my neck. “Don’t fuck this up for her, okay? You’ve already hurt her man, let it be.” He releases me and moves away, with Alex following him.
Fuck. He’s right. What am I doing here? I order another drink, and down it. I’m about to leave, when a manicured hand lands on my fore arm.
“Hugo!” A high pitched voice shrieks. I turn and look at the woman hanging off me. Nope. I have no idea who she is. She’s pretty enough though. I know by now that a pretty girl who knows my name is a former fuck.
“Hey…”
“Sammi.” She smiles, clearly un-phased by the fact that I have no fucking clue who she is. I used to find women like her appealing, but now…nothing. I don’t even want to fuck her. God, what is this shit? It’s like I suddenly have a conscience or something. Molly has fucked my head up, and I don’t like it. I just want to go back to drinking and fucking my way through as much pussy as is physically possible. Jesus, I can’t even get off any more unless I pretend it’s her, and I have done the five knuckle shuffle more times in the past week than I have in the last year, all to the memory of fucking her. This shit is fucked up. So fucked up.
Without saying another word, I turn and make my way through the crowd, toward the door. I’m almost across the dance floor, when a group of girls part, and there in front of me is Molly. She’s dancing with Lilly, but she freezes when she sees me.
It feels like I’m being punched in the gut as those deep blue eyes lock with mine. Walk the fuck away, I think to myself. She takes a step toward me, and then freezes, a frown etching into her features. She closes her eyes as if she’s in pain, and then turns away. Lilly puts an arm around her, pulling her away from me, the bastard who told her he didn’t love her. Lilly flashes me an annoyed look over her shoulder.
Before I know what I’m doing, I’m marching across the small space. I grab Molly’s arm, pulling her away from Lilly, and walking toward the door. She pulls against me, but I keep a hold on her until we’re outside the club and down the street a little.
“Hugo, what the fuck?” She snaps.
I turn to face her, and push her up against a shop window. I slam my lips over hers, and it feels so fucking right it makes me want to scream, because this is wrong. I’m wrong.
I can’t stop myself though, I need her. Fuck, do I need her. I wind my fingers into her silky hair, and yank her up against my body. She’s slow to react, and I can almost hear her mind trying to process what the fuck I’m doing. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m just instinct and need. I need her like I need air to breathe.
Eventually, her lips part and a moan slips from her lips. I growl, pressing against the window harder. It’s brutal and unrestrained, because this is what she drives me to. She takes it and demands more, because under that prissy exterior, she’s a fucking animal. A wolf dressed in Prada and Louboutins. I tear my lips from hers and skim them down her neck, inhaling the scent of her like it’s fucking crack cocaine. Her fingers claw at my shirt as her back bows, her body gravitating toward me. I bite down on her neck and she groans my name, her nails clawing across the back of my neck. My cock strains against my jeans, fucking gagging for her. Every part of me craves every part of her.
I tear my mouth away from her, and rest my forehead against hers. Her breathing is ragged as her breath blows across my face. My fingers clench in her hair. I don’t want to let her go, but I can’t keep her, and the rational part of me knows that.
“What are you doing Hugo?” She finally asks.
“I don’t know.” I confess. “I just….” I push away from her and turn my back to her, clasping my hands behind my head. What am I doing? “You fuck me up, sweetness.”
I turn back around to face her. Her eyes are on the floor, and her arms are crossed across her chest. She looks upset.
“You’re drunk.” She whispers. I nod. “God, I’m so fucking stupid.” She mumbles. “I’m just a piece of pussy to you.” She shakes her head.
The fuck? I close the distance between us, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look at me. “You are not a piece of pussy.” I growl at her. “You’re my best friend.” My voice sounds desperate. I need her to understand, but how can she? How can I expect her to understand something that I don’t understand myself? Shit!
“That didn’t feel very friendly.” She breathes.
“Molly!?” A voice calls her name and her head snaps up.
“That’s Alex. I have to go.” Her eyes drop to the floor and a blush creeps across her cheeks.
“Molly…”
“No, Hugo.” She holds up her hand. “He deserves better from me. I’m done wanting you. I’m done hoping that you will ever do anything but disappoint me. I’m done.” She pushes off the window and walks away from me.
“Congratulations.” I blurt. She stops and glances over her shoulder. “You and Alex. He’s…good for you.”
“You have no idea what is good for me.” She says, before walking back to the front of the club.
She’s right of course, I’m that guy, the one everyone expects to let them down. Hell, no-one even has any expectations of me anymore, and that’s the way I like it. I’ve never given a fuck whether I disappointed anyone before, because I’m Hugo Harrison, and I don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone…except her. I don’t want to be a disappointment to her, but it seems old habits die hard. No matter how much I don’t want to let her down, I will, sooner or later. It’s what I do, and it’s why I need to man the fuck up and let her go. If she were anyone else, I would take her because I want her, consequences be damned. It is her though, and I want more for her.