Catastrophe is Close
Emrys
I’d never really had the opportunity to be around children. I was an only child so there were no nieces and nephews to spoil, and the only man I’d dated who had kids was hung up on his ex-wife, so it had been a short-lived relationship with no opportunity to spend time with his children. Leo was my only close female friend, and while she had never expressed an interest in kids before, something told me that was about to change. She was amazing with Daye, and every time the little girl looked up at her and smiled, I could see a new kind of longing in Leo’s eyes. She had a nurturing side to her that I’d never seen before but had always known was there.
It was easy enough to keep Daye occupied with sweets and silly conversation. I had no problem with her, and Lane was especially skilled at keeping the little girl distracted. But when we got back to the ranch, it was like someone flipped a switch. Daye went from angel to tiny demon right before my eyes.
She was obviously tired from the events of the day, and when Sutton was nowhere to be seen, she finally let her composure slip. When she demanded to know where her dad was, Leo tried to placate her by telling her that he would be home shortly. That answer wasn’t good enough for the tiny, blonde spitfire. She tore her bow off her head and stamped her shiny shoes, challenging the adults around her to give her honest answers about her father’s whereabouts. Brynn tried to bribe her with the promise of homemade pizza, and Lane offered to take her for a horseback ride so she would be occupied until Sutton’s return. Daye wasn’t interested in any of it, and all the evasion, coupled with the fact she’d had to say her final goodbye to her mother only hours ago, was too much for the little girl to take. She kicked off one shoe and then the other, nearly taking out a framed picture in the living room and hitting her uncle square in the center of his chest. She shoved her hands into her curly hair and started to pull as she screamed at the top of her lungs. Her face instantly turned an alarming shade of reddish-purple. It was a tantrum like I’d never seen before, and I couldn’t exactly blame her. She had to be feeling a lot about everything that had been going on in her life lately, and those emotions were bound to erupt sooner or later. She was a miniature volcano of fury and frustration.
Lane tossed up his hands in surrender and slowly started toward the front door. “I don’t have the first clue what to do with that.” He rubbed at a spot on the center of his chest and muttered on his way out the front door, “Kid should be playing soccer, not dancing ballet.”
I watched as both Leo and Brynn lowered themselves to the floor so they could try and comfort the screaming child. Their compassion and soft words only made her scream louder. Brynn offered to go find her favorite stuffed rabbit, which made Daye frantically shake her head ‘no’. Angry tears were coursing down her cheeks and I could all-too-clearly remember what it felt like to be that helpless and afraid. The poor thing just wanted something she could hold onto for balance while everything else in her life spun out of control.
“Daye.” My voice was sharper than it probably should have been but it startled the little girl enough to get her to stop screaming. She blinked wide, green eyes at me and lifted her hand to touch her damp, flushed cheeks. She looked startled when her fingers came away wet. “Remember when I told you that you could use your words to get your point across?”
She nodded slowly and sucked in a shaky breath. “No one is listening to me though, because I’m too little.”
Leo looked at me in surprise as Brynn made a little sound of concern. I walked over to where they were all huddled together and held my hand out to the little girl. Hesitantly, she reached out and put her fingers in mine. I gave her a lopsided smile and told her, “I’m listening to you. Talk to me.”
She sniffed and dragged her hand underneath her nose. It was sloppy and unapologetic. She wasn’t afraid or embarrassed to show her emotions. It was innocent and unfiltered and the action made me laugh. She cocked her head to the side as she studied me curiously. “What’s so funny?”
I led her to the overstuffed couch and sat down, pulling her into my lap so we were eye to eye. “I forgot what it was like to ugly cry, how good it feels to let go like that. I get that you’re feeling a lot of things right now, Daye. Sadness, frustration, and even anger. It’s good that you want to express yourself, that you want to communicate those feelings to the people who care about you, and you can because this is a safe space. Everyone wants to be understood.”
She nodded vigorously, eyes locked on mine like I was telling her the secrets of the universe.
“But if you want people to understand you and to take what you’re feeling seriously, you need to be able to explain it because not everyone feels those things the same way. So, talk to me, sweetheart.” I squeezed her hand to let her know I was on her side and that I understood hitting the wall. She’d held up pretty well, all things considered. She had a heavy load to carry for someone with such tiny shoulders.
Her lower lip quivered before she sucked it between her teeth and bit down. She blinked at me again before unleashing a torrent of words that she must have been holding onto, Lord only knew for how long.
“My Mommy wasn’t always nice to me, but I’m still going to miss her. I don’t want her to be dead. I didn’t want to live with her anymore and she was all alone. I think she was sad, and that’s my fault. I don’t like it when Daddy leaves. He used to always be home to tuck me in and read me a bedtime story, but after he got hurt real bad, he stopped. I don’t want him to forget about me.” She looked down at her feet which were still covered in dark tights. “The kids at school say mean things. They used to pick on me because of Mommy, but now they tease me about Daddy. It makes me cry and then they make fun of me and call me a baby.” She sniffled again and big, fat tears started rolling down her cheeks. “I don’t want Daddy to go to jail.”
I sucked in a breath and fought down the surge of anger on her behalf. She needed me to be calm, to be reassuring, but I could see the look on Leo’s face where she stood behind the couch listening to our heart to heart. My bestie looked ready to level the entire town and I was willing to help her. I knew children could be mean and thoughtless, but Daye was only six and had already been through so much. Nothing like kicking a kid when she was down.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Daye.” I reached out and smoothed a hand over her curls so that they weren’t sticking to her forehead and clinging to her cheeks. “Your mom might have been lonely, but that doesn’t have a thing to do with you. She was a grownup who knew her actions had consequences. You’re just a little girl. It’s not your job to take care of your parents, it’s their job to take care of you. That sting you feel, that little poke in your heart when you think about your mom being gone, is going to last for a long time. It’s a hurt you’re gonna have to adjust to having, but every time you feel it, I want you to think about why you miss her. I want you to remember a time she made you smile. Do you think you can do that?”
It took her a minute to give me a serious nod.
I nodded back as I twisted one of her curls around my finger. “Atta girl. You’re very strong, did you know that?”
She gave me a glimmer of a smile but it died when I told her, “Your dad is a good man, sweetheart, but he’s got himself in a bit of trouble. Some of it he went looking for and some of it found him. He realized he messed up with you and I guarantee he won’t make those mistakes again. He’ll be here for you whenever he can, but sometimes that choice isn’t going to be his to make. You just need to understand that there’s nowhere else he would rather be. He’s doing his best to work through the mess he’s been pulled into, but until he figures it out, people are going to say some ugly things about him. People like to talk, Daye. It makes them feel important. It makes them feel included. The thing is, all that talk is only fun when it’s about someone else. If it was their moms or their dads people were talking about, they would be the person crying. Their words only have power if you let them. And remember, you’re not alone in all of this. Your uncles and your Aunt Leo aren’t going to let those kids get away with being mean, and neither should your teacher. Sometimes you need to call in reinforcements.”
She gave her head a little tilt and screwed up her face in confusion. “What are reinforcements?”
Leo bit back a laugh and I grinned. “Sometimes you have to find someone bigger and meaner than you to fight by your side.”
Finally, a full-fledged grin broke out on her face. It was like the sun finally shining through the clouds on a dreary day. She deserved to be nothing but sunshine and light. I hated that anyone tried to take that away from her.
“Uncle Cy is way bigger and meaner than me.” She looked almost giddy at the prospect of her uncle taking on her pint-sized tormentors.
Leo let out a snort and leaned on the back of the couch. “Your Uncle Cy is bigger and meaner than everyone. You’re lucky it was Lane who took the brunt of your temper today and not him. The big guy would have sent you to your room for that fit.”
Daye had the good grace to look chagrined. “I’ll tell Uncle Lane I’m sorry.”
Leo nodded. “I’d say that’s a good plan, Goldilocks.”
She started to slide off the couch but stopped right before her feet touched the ground. Her eyes locked onto mine as she hesitantly asked, “Do you think Daddy’s gonna go to jail?”
That was a tricky question and I told her I wasn’t going to lie to her. “Your daddy didn’t do anything wrong. He absolutely doesn’t deserve to go to jail. Remember what I just told you: he’s a good man.” But things didn’t always work out the way they were supposed to and Sutton seemed to have his fair share of bad luck lately. That was the best I could tell her.
My half-answer must have been good enough because she hit the floor running, telling Leo that she was going to change and then find Brynn to inquire about that promise of homemade pizza. It was like the meltdown had never occurred even though I was exhausted and Leo still looked stressed.
She came around the side of the couch and took up the spot Sutton’s little girl had just vacated. She rolled her head to the side until we were looking at one another. A soft smile touched her mouth as she bumped her shoulder into mine. “How did you know to do that with her? I’ve never seen her lose it like that. Not even when Sutton started disappearing for days on end.”
I sighed and touched my temple to hers. It felt familiar and safe. This was the way we used to be back before everything changed, when I craved closeness instead of fearing it. She was always there for me to lean on and I’d forgotten how good that felt.
“Isn’t that what all women want? To know exactly what we’re dealing with, with no bullshit? She needed the information so she could make an informed decision on what to do with it. There was a good chance she would have freaked out even more once I laid it all out for her, but the kid has a spine made of steel. I think she’s tougher than anyone else in this house.”
Leo nodded which bumped our heads together and made us both laugh. Our emotions were strung out and worn thin. It was either giggle hysterically or cry, and there had been enough tears shed between the two of us to last a lifetime. “She is. She takes whatever comes at her and keeps on going. I wish I’d been able to bounce back that way.”
I sighed. “Me too.”
Leo pushed away and turned so she was facing me. “So, you and Sutton? What’s that all about? I mean, I knew he was part of the reason you wanted to come back here, but I didn’t realize you two had the naked kind of unfinished business between you.” I should have known I wasn’t going to get off without the third degree after showing up at the funeral with him.
I snorted out a laugh and laced my hands together over my stomach. “I didn’t either. All I knew was that I had to see him again. I had things I wanted to say to him. Like I told Daye, everyone wants to be understood. Where we left off after everything that happened on the mountain didn’t sit right with me. That wasn’t any kind of goodbye I was willing to accept from him. It wasn’t any kind of goodbye I was willing to leave him with, either. He saved my life, Leo.”
“I know he did. So, is this you getting a handle on what you’re dealing with, with no bullshit?” She lifted her eyebrows as she tossed my words back at me. “Because I gotta tell you, as much as I love Sutton, he isn’t a good bet. The man walks on the razor’s edge every single day and you never know when he’s going to fall and cut himself wide open.”
“I’m a bad bet.” I held up a hand when she automatically started to protest. “I know you love me and will defend me to the death, but you know it’s true. My track record is shit. I’m never in anything for the long haul. I cut and run at the first sign of trouble.”
She let out a little bark of laughter. “You do realize that blond cowboy is nothing but trouble, right?”
I rolled my eyes but couldn’t stop a grin from pulling at my lips. “I do.” His kind of trouble sucked me in and refused to let me go. I wasn’t struggling to fight my way free, I was sinking deeper and deeper every day. I was succumbing to it and embracing it. The last thing I wanted to do was run.
“I always assumed you were refusing to settle, that you were biding your time until the right person came along.” She seemed genuinely surprised there was more to my serial dating and cold feet than being picky about whom I spent my time with.
I shrugged. “I was too busy trying to fix all the wrong guys to look for the right one. It gave me something to do and filled a void in my life.”
Her gaze sharpened as she leaned closer to me. “Don’t try and fix Sutton. He won’t appreciate it. He’s the kind of guy who’s gotta get where he’s going on his own. He won’t stop and ask for directions.”
I felt my smile soften and my tone turned wistful when I told her, “I like him the way he is. I don’t need to fix him.” All his broken pieces made mine seem less jagged. I didn’t feel like I needed to be perfectly put together when I was with him. I could just be me. A little lost. A lot confused and someone who was still suffering. I didn’t have to be healed completely when I was with him, because his wounds were as raw and as fresh as mine.
She looked like she was getting ready to give me more advice or launch into another set of warnings when her cell phone rang from inside her purse. She’d dropped it on the floor when she was trying to calm Daye down, so watching her trip over it and scramble to answer the call had giggles escaping once again. I could tell it was Cy on the other end by the way her voice softened and the way her lips lifted up in a smile. The conversation was brief and she seemed agitated when she returned to the couch.
“Cy hired some big shot lawyer out of Casper to represent Sutton. The guy won’t be here for several hours and Sutton won’t talk to Rodie until he shows. That means he’s probably spending the night in interrogation. Rodie kicked Cy out of the sheriff’s office. Apparently told him his intimidation tactics needed some work.” She sighed. “He’s on his way home. Nothing we can do now but wait.”
I huffed out an annoyed sound and looked up at the ceiling. “I hate waiting.”
“Me, too.” I turned to look at her when she touched my arm with her fingertips. “Just so you know, it’s the longest odds that have the biggest payout so two bad bets could easily turn into the kind of jackpot people dream about hitting.”
I threw my arms around her and gave her a hug that had her struggling to breathe and pushing playfully against me. “You always know the exact right thing to say, Leo.”
She poked me right where my heart beat more steady and sure than it had in ages. “I learned from the best, Em. You give everyone exactly what they need. It’s time you get some of that for yourself.”
I was working on it.
For the first time in my life I knew what—or rather whom—I wanted and I knew exactly what I was supposed to be doing. It was my mission to show Sutton Warner he was worthy of having a good woman stand by his side, that he was wanted and needed no matter how off track he might get. He should know he deserved someone willing to fight for him and desperate to protect him. I wanted to prove to him and to myself that I wouldn’t fold every time we were dealt a bad hand. I wanted him to see that we could do this, that we could work, that we could show up for each other even if things went sideways on us. We could be together for the long haul if both of us wanted it badly enough.