Exactly Where I Want to Be
Emrys
I kissed him because I wanted to and because I wanted to distract him. There was heat in his eyes and appreciation in his gaze but I didn’t miss the way his open perusal caught and held on the marks that stood out against my tanned skin. Like everything else in my life, sex before I’d been attacked had been easy. I never worried that my partner was going to like what he uncovered when my clothes came off. I was never self-conscious or concerned when the lights were on. Now I had to take a minute to assure myself that not only was I not going to run away from this, but neither was he.
This level of intimacy was no longer mindless and mechanical. There was a hesitancy in my movements that had never been there before. I didn’t cry when I looked at myself in the mirror anymore. I didn’t trace the scars repeatedly trying to make them vanish, trying to remember what I looked like before they were there. They were a part of me now, they told a piece of my story without words. I didn’t want to hide them, but I didn’t want Sutton to get hung up on them and get sucked back into the time and place where they became a part of my reality. I didn’t want him to be more affected by them than I was. What I did want was for him to keep kissing me and holding me. I wanted him to keep looking at me like he’d never seen anything better in his life and he couldn’t wait to touch and taste every single spot on my trembling body.
I wanted him to crave me the way I craved him. I’d wanted other men before Sutton Warner turned my life sideways, but I’d never required one the way I did him. He felt like he was something vital.
He made me feel like I couldn’t take a single step forward in any direction unless he was right next to me. He was pulling me down one path where he was at the end. I felt like a small piece of me was going to shrivel up and wither away if every single part of him wasn’t pressed as tightly as it could be against every single part of me. I felt like I was being turned inside out and upside down. My entire world narrowed to the press of his mouth against mine and the rough feel of his hands on my skin. Nothing else existed and I didn’t need it to. All I needed was for him to keep doing exactly what he was doing for the rest of forever. It made me forget about my scars and I couldn’t form a coherent sentence if my life depended on it. It was the first time I was exactly where I wanted to be. I didn’t want to run away, I wanted to get closer, and I was ready to beg him not to let me go. I wanted to stay exactly where I was.
One of his hands slid over the curve of my ass and curled around the back of my thigh hooked around his hip. He ground his straining erection higher into the notch between my legs and we both groaned at the press of his hardness against my heat. I wanted every inch of his rigid length inside of me. I wanted him to fill up the aching emptiness that had been pulling at me since the moment he sent me away.
I curled one arm around his broad shoulders and buried a hand in the hair at the back of his head. I thrust my chest deeper into the hand that was lazily caressing my aroused nipples and twisted my tongue around his as we exchanged biting, hungry kisses. When I decided to come back to Wyoming to confront him, part of me knew this was where we were always meant to end up. This was exactly where I wanted to be. He was right that we were always bound to collide, but he was wrong about the collision hurting. Nothing had ever felt better than this. Nothing had ever seemed as right or as essential.
My head fell back on a low moan as the hand he had wrapped around my thigh started to travel upwards. His touch was purposeful and practiced. There was zero hesitation or question when his thumb reached my damp center. He didn’t have to ask if it was okay or if he was invited to go farther because my body was telling him exactly how much I liked what he was doing. The insides of my thighs were slick with pleasure and my whole body vibrated with excitement when he stroked his thumb through my wet folds. I caught a breath and let it out slowly as he explored the quivering flesh with painstaking thoroughness.
“You feel like fire wrapped up in silk.” His gruff words were muffled against the side of my neck as his teeth hit the spot where my pulse throbbed erratically. When he tugged on the pebbled point of my nipple, we both felt the pull of it between my legs. He growled against my skin and shifted his hand so his thumb was able to circle my distended clit while he slipped a couple of clever fingers inside my more-than-ready body. The invasion made my center clench and pulse around his pumping digits. The pleasure that followed the intimate caress had my eyes drifting closed and my body going slack as I mindlessly followed him toward the promise of something that felt bigger than anything I’d ever experienced before. This was no expert seduction or gentle temptation. This was complete captivation and total entrancement. This was a brutal want and a desperate kind of desire that was engulfing me and sucking me under.
I wanted someplace safe, a shelter to hide away from the storm. I had no idea that Sutton was the storm and that I would gladly get swept away by him any day of the week. He was as far from safe as any man could get, and all I could do was follow him farther.
The sound his fingers made as they glided in and out of my body made him swear against the spot on my throat where his lips landed. I let out a breathy moan when his thumb flicked against my clit and then circled the little bundle in apology. His blond head lowered and one of my nipples disappeared into the hot suction of his mouth. The rasp of his facial hair against my sensitive skin prompted me to grind my hips against his wantonly as I felt his cock kick against my lower stomach. He wasn’t the only one who wanted a taste. I’d been dying to get my tongue around that thick length since he unabashedly put it in my face.
I let go of his soft hair, rocking my hips into his touch while moaning his name and pulling off his t-shirt. When the cotton cleared his head, I was happy to see that he looked better than he had when I got to town. He was putting some weight back on and his skin no longer had the pale, ghostly hue. He was nowhere near his previous weight, but he no longer looked strung out and sickly. There were a lot of abs there, and the muscles that stretched across his chest were heavy and defined.
I traced the rigid outline of his stomach and followed the sharply defined V on the inside of each of his hips until my fingers brushed over the dark blond happy trail that arrowed into the top of his low-slung sweatpants. The very tip of his cock was peeking out of the top of the elastic band. It was already wet, the slit shiny with his arousal. He was emanating as much heat as I was and when I used my index finger to spread that slippery bead of moisture around the wide, flushed head, his tormenting touch faltered.
I felt his big frame shudder and watched as the green in his eyes was almost completely obliterated by something darker and hungrier. The hand he had on my back, holding me up, skated up my spine until it reached the back of my neck. He squeezed that spot when my hand found its way inside of his pants so I could wrap my fist around his cock. I tilted my head back obediently and whimpered when he pulled his fingers out of my quivering folds and used them to capture my overly sensitized clit.
“I haven’t had anyone’s hands on me in a long time, Em.” He grunted when I gave the heavy flesh in my hand a reflexive squeeze. “I’ve never been with someone who looks like you, that feels as good as you do, and tastes as sweet as you do. I can’t think straight when you put your hands on me. If you keep that up, I’m going to fuck this up and forget about making sure you feel as good as I do. I’ll be selfish and careless. Spent six months living that way and it was long enough.” He growled a bunch of dirty words at me when I ignored his warning and used my fingertips to trace the long, wide vein that ran along the underside of the shaft. All of him was hot and hard to the touch. I couldn’t get enough of the way his abs tightened and the way his cock kicked with each stroke and twist of my wrist.
Suddenly, I was no longer on my feet and clinging to him. I let out a frustrated howl when his hands disappeared from the needy parts of my body, leaving me hanging on the precipice of an orgasm that I could still feel building in my blood and coiling around the base of my spine. His shoulder hit the middle of my stomach and he lifted me without any effort. My face ended up level with his flexing ass and my hair nearly touched the floor as he walked across the room. He hooked an arm around my thighs when I wiggled instinctively and landed a palm on my butt with a ‘thwack’ when I told him to put me down. He ordered me to stay still and I felt him shiver when the pointed tips of my breasts rubbed across the smooth skin of his lower back. I also noticed that he had twin dimples on either side of his spine directly above his very nice backside that were entirely adorable. I decided since he wouldn’t let me touch the front of him, I would work with what I had. I’d managed to place a kiss on one and was working my way to the other one with a long, slow drag of my tongue when I was tossed unceremoniously through the air. I landed on the mattress with a little bounce and was immediately pulled to the edge by a rough hand on my ankle.
There was no time to get comfortable or to get my thoughts in order. Between one blink and the next, Sutton was on his knees next to the bed, shouldering my legs open, hands holding me where he wanted me as his mouth descended with wicked intent. The brush of his beard across the inside of my thighs sent a tingle shooting through me from head to toe. The first swipe of his tongue against my most sensitive and delicate skin caused my back arch to off the bed. My hands tangled in his hair and every muscle in my body tensed as he used his mouth to make me crazy.
He flicked my clit and then dragged the sharp edge of his teeth over the tender bundle of nerves. The contact made my thighs clench next to his ears and made keening, breathless sounds escape against my will. He lapped up the pleasure that rushed forth and swirled his tongue around my waiting entrance. By the time he fucked me with his mouth, my head was rolling from side to side and I was mumbling incoherent phrases that praised and cursed him in the same breath. He told me he wanted a taste and he wasn’t joking. He went at me like I was his last meal, like he was a man who was starving and I was the only thing he’d had to eat in days. He tasted me and teased me like he would never be able to get enough. It pushed me right over the edge.
When he returned his attention to my clit, moving his fingers to replace the void left by his thrusting tongue, I couldn’t hold out against the sensual assault any longer. Wave upon wave of pleasure washed over me. I felt him chuckle in satisfaction as he pressed a wet, slippery kiss to the inside of one quivering thigh.
I broke apart under his talented mouth and gifted hands. I panted through an orgasm that was so strong I swore it made even my hair tingle with gratification.
“Didn’t think it was possible for you to be any prettier than you already were, Em. I was wrong.” The deep rasp of his voice enticed me to reach for him and for all that he had previously denied me. I was flushed and satiated. I wanted him to be the same. He would look so much better than he already did when his eyes were heavy with satisfaction and his big body was loose with completion.
I was tired of him taunting me with the goods. It was my turn to make his knees weak and his breathing unsteady. I looked down the length of my body at him, pausing as he leaned over me so that he could drag the tip of his tongue over each and every scar that dotted my flat belly. It was the gentlest he’d ever been with me and it was enough to make tears burn in the back of my eyes.
I used the hold I still had on his hair to pull him up my body. I let him take a minute to nibble deliciously on my collarbone and felt languid heat work through me at the wet brush of his beard across my skin. He was covered in me, marked with the way he made my body respond to him. It made me feel possessive and greedy to know that even though he was no longer coaxing pleasure from me, my desire lingered. What we did to one another wasn’t easily wiped away. He’d have the way I tasted loitering right next to his lips until he scrubbed it off. I enjoyed that on a primal level.
It took some work to get him on his back. Sutton seemed content to suck and lick at my nipples while I wrestled his straining erection from the confines of his pants. The length twitched eagerly in my palm, which allowed me to maneuver him where I wanted him. He laced his fingers together and put his hands behind his head, eyes locked on the ceiling as I took in his lean torso and the furious red line that ran directly in the center of it. I felt him flinch when my lips hit his scar, kissing it and caring for it the way he had done to mine. His stomach tightened and his legs shifted restlessly as I started to slide my hand up and down his cock. The skin was velvet over steel and every time I used my thumb to circle the wet and glistening tip, he hissed out a breath between his teeth.
I lifted an eyebrow, silently asking if he was okay, and received a curt nod in reply. He told me again that it had been a long time since he’d been with anyone, and instead of asking why, I decided to make sure he didn’t regret letting me be the one he finally allowed to have her hands on him.
Kneeling on the bed next to his hip, I opened my mouth and took the stiff length in as far as I could. I heard him groan and felt one of his hands tangle in my hair. His cock kicked against my tongue and the tip leaked drops of creamy liquid as I sucked so hard my cheeks hollowed out. He made a strangled noise and I felt his body rock upwards. His hand cupped the back of my head and his voice was rough when he demanded, “More. Shit, Em. You have to take more of it.” He sounded like he was in a little bit of pain, but when I looked up at him from under my lashes, his handsome face was set in lines of harsh delight. The green was glowing and there was a slash of red high on each cheekbone. He was watching me intently and obviously liked what he was seeing. “I didn’t stand a chance against you. Neither did my cock.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about, and when I looked at him questioningly, he just shook his head and nudged the wet tip against my parted lips. I used the edge of my teeth in warning, but he liked a bit of pain. He groaned and shifted restlessly as I braced a hand on his washboard flat stomach.
I closed my hand around the base of his erection and did my best to give him more. I took him back until I felt the broad tip hit the back of my throat. I convinced myself not to gag and swallowed back the slippery liquid that came into my mouth. I swirled my tongue around and around, using my hand to squeeze him and jack him in time to the wet suction. I felt him shift, felt the tension make every line of his body tight. The hand on the back of my head grabbed a handful of hair and I let him guide me where he wanted me. He never pushed past the boundaries I’d set, but his other hand covered mine at his base and my fingers were nearly crushed as he pressed our hands together with far more pressure than I would have ever used.
He growled my name, his hips lifted completely off of the bed and his hold over my hand tightened even more. I let his release run down my throat and lapped at the residual pleasure when he continued to work our hands over his trembling erection, milking his completion for all it was worth.
When he released me, I leaned back, dragging my nails over that arrow of hair below his bellybutton and skipping the light caress back up to the center of his chest. I traced the scar that he’d earned trying to save my life and pressed my palm into the spot where his heart was beating. Part of me couldn’t believe he was here, that this was real. The bigger part of me wondered what had taken us so long to get here.
He scrubbed a hand over his face and blinked bewildered eyes at me. He tugged on my hair until I was laid out on the bed next to him, both of our legs hanging over the edge. He rubbed his thumb over my lips, which were pleasantly swollen and tender from having him thrust against them.
“I gotta get back to my room.” He’d told me he didn’t want Daye to wake up alone before we started any of this. I understood, but a pang of doubt worked through my stomach. “I need to use your shower before I go.” Selfishly, I didn’t want him to wash away the evidence of what we’d been doing to each other, but knew it was the only option before he returned to his own room. Daye didn’t need to know what her dad had been up to, especially since she was currently worried about her mother’s whereabouts. She had enough on her mind without wondering what was going on between her most favorite person in the whole world and a woman who was just passing through. Her dad had been hurt enough; she didn’t need to know the kind of damage he and I were inevitably going to do to one another.
I nodded against his shoulder, trying to get all my thoughts in order. I’d never felt better, but I had a feeling as soon as he walked out the door I was going to feel worse than I ever had.
As if he sensed my sudden unease, he grasped my chin in his hand and tilted my head back so that I couldn’t look away from his probing gaze. “We’ll talk, Em. But not tonight. Not right after we made each other feel so good.”
Meaning when we had our talk, he was anticipating us making each other feel bad. I was sick of feeling bad. I wanted absolution and closure. I wanted to be able to walk away from him knowing I had his forgiveness so I could move on without the weight of guilt hanging around my neck. I had no idea where I was going, but I knew with absolute certainty I couldn’t get there without walking through the gauntlet of gaining his forgiveness first.
I gave a jerky nod and curled my hands into fists when he slid out from under my weight and padded naked toward the bathroom. The sight made my mind fuzzy and my mouth dry. I’d wanted to talk but hadn’t said a single word the entire time he’d had his hands on me. He stole them away and made me forget everything I needed to say. The complicated cowboy owned the pieces of both my worst and best memories. He was directly at the center of everything that made me question who I was and what I was doing.
He was the only thing that made sense anymore, but he was also the thing that made me so confused I could cry. I wanted so much more of him, but I wasn’t sure he had more to offer than a few stolen moments in the dark.
He was stingy with his heart and angry at love. Not that I blamed him. The last person he gave it to hadn’t taken very good care of it. I’d never wanted anyone to offer me a piece of their heart before Sutton, and I’d never even considered sharing a sliver of mine, but here I was ready to give the man more than my body and so much more than I had given anyone else. All he had to do was let me know he was interested in taking care of the parts of me I’d never let anyone else touch.
I never realized my heart was looking for shelter. A place that would harbor it safe and sound from all those complicated emotions I tried so hard to avoid. Sutton was the opposite of a warm and dry place. He was filled with holes and battered beyond recognition. Some days he was barely even standing. He was the last person I should be looking at to keep my soft and tender places unscathed and secure, but he’d sacrificed everything for me and my heart couldn’t seem to forget that.