Where We Go to Say Goodbye
Sutton
It was time to say goodbye.
Burke was behind bars. Lane was back home. Cyrus had decided to put a ring on Leo’s finger and was anxiously waiting for the right time to ask for her hand in marriage. I had a bag packed and was ready to leave the ranch for the first time in my life. I felt a little guilty that I wasn’t worried in the slightest about leaving this place behind. I was going to miss my brothers like crazy, but I was done being stuck in the middle with nowhere to go. Everything from here on out was an open road full of possibilities and uncharted territory. I couldn’t wait to see it all, but before we left, there was one door left open that I needed to close.
The whole family wanted to ride out with us, but this particular goodbye was something Daye and I needed to handle on our own. It was hard for Emrys to let us go, but she had relented with a sad smile and a nod of understanding. Alexa needed to be put to rest by the people who had loved her despite everything. We were her family and it was our job to make sure she got the final farewell she deserved.
Daye seemed confused by it, at first. She was still hurting and confused from everything that went down with Burke. The little girl rarely left my side, but it was okay with me. I breathed easier when she was within my sight.
It was a sunny afternoon, summer close to crawling over the mountains. The sky was bright blue and there wasn’t a cloud to be seen. It was the perfect day to do what had to be done.
Daye was silent on the horse in front of me. She had her hands clasped around the urn that held Alexa’s remains. I told her we could carefully place the decorative vessel in my saddle bags so she didn’t have to be burdened with such a solemn task. However, it was becoming clear that my little girl was made of much tougher stuff than I was. She straightened her spine like a trooper and told me she wanted to keep hold of her Mommy until it was time to let go. She was working her way to goodbye with careful steps and a resilient heart.
I thought our spot by the river would be a good place to scatter Alexa’s ashes, but Daye had refused to go anywhere near her old favorite spot on the property after getting snatched from the banks and watching Burke shoot Lane. Her happy memories were tainted with blood and fear, so I didn’t push her to return to the scene of the crime. Instead, I asked her if she thought she could handle holding onto the urn all the way to the top of one of the steepest mountains that bordered the property. Always up for a challenge, she had readily agreed, and I was thankful we didn’t have to battle the weather as well as the heavy feelings as we trekked to the summit.
Once we crested the impressive peak, it felt like we were on top of the world. The ranch was nothing more than a speck in the distance and it was nothing but rolling fields and impressive landscape for as far as the eye could see. We were above everything that had ever hurt us or scared us. We were so far away from all the things that seemed impossible. Every new and exciting adventure at the tip of our fingertips was out there somewhere beyond the horizon, and when I looked down at my daughter, I could see she was looking at the future the same way.
“You ready for this, baby girl?” I put a hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze.
She wrapped her arms around the vase and my heart turned inside out. It didn’t take a genius to see she was doing her best to give her mother one last hug.
Eyes that matched mine looked up at me. They were clear and glistening with unshed tears but focused on what we had come to do. “I’m ready.”
I picked up Daye and held her close. I kissed her on the cheek and helped her get the lid off the urn. It was such a shame that every opportunity Alexa had been offered was reduced to a pile of ash. I’d always wanted more for her.
I heard Daye suck in a shuddering breath. I put my free hand over hers and together we let Alexa go. This high up there was always a slight breeze. It wasn’t enough to make it cold, but it stirred the air just right so that all that remained of the woman who had given me everything and lost so much floated away in a perfect arc. Alexa loved it here. This was where she always wanted to be, so knowing she was going to touch every single part of the place she cherished settled something inside me that had remained restless ever since Rodie told me she was gone.
“Do you think she’ll be happy now?” Daye’s voice was soft and her eyes were closed as she laid her head on my shoulder.
I took the urn from her still clutching hands and nodded slowly, my chin bumping into the top of her head.
“I do think she’s happy. I think you always made her happy, Daye, she just didn’t know how to show it.” I really believed that.
“Did you love Mommy the right way, Daddy?” The question dug deep into every regret I had.
“At one point I did, but somewhere along the way I forgot how to do that.” It was a truth I was going to have to carry around for the rest of my life.
“Do you think you’ll forget how to love me the right way?”
I hated that she had a reason to ask me that. I would give up everything to go back in time and never let her down the way I had. “No, I will never forget to love you the right way, Daye. You have my whole heart. It only knows one way to love you, fully and totally, with everything that I am.”
She nodded against my shoulder and her arms lifted to wrap around my neck. She pulled back and looked me in the eyes, an impish grin tugging at her mouth. “I don’t like to share, but I don’t mind Emrys having a piece of your heart. As long as it’s a small one.” She laughed when I blew a raspberry against the side of her neck. “She loves you the right way and it makes you happy.”
I nodded and gave her a knowing look. “Em’s gonna love you the right way, too, baby girl. She already does.”
She put her head back on my shoulder and we fell into a sweet silence, each of us letting go of what was and embracing everything that could be.
Goodbye was never easy, but this had gone better than expected. I was turning back to my horse when I heard Daye whisper, “I’m gonna love her the right way, too.”
It was something we were going to learn how to do together, to love those who loved us the right way, unwavering and wholeheartedly, even when things went wrong.