Somewhere I Shouldn’t Be
Sutton
“I feel like I got kicked by a horse.”
Since I’d taken a hoof to the chest on more than one occasion, I knew exactly what I was talking about. The center of my chest was on fire, pain screaming across my clavicle and up each side of my neck. I couldn’t turn my head, but the beeping machines next to me and unmistakable smell of antiseptic clued me into the fact that I was back in a hospital bed.
There was the sound of boots hitting the floor and the shuffle of a body moving. I wasn’t surprised to see my older brother’s face as he leaned over the side of the bed. He looked tired and pissed off, which was pretty much how he always looked when he was dealing with me. His eyes were always sharp and cutting, not missing a damn thing. Now they were resigned, and there was something working behind the silvery blue that I knew I wasn’t going to like. Cy had spent the last six months letting me spin my wheels and crash and burn. He pulled my ass out of the fire when the flames got too hot and he tried and failed to force some sense back into me. There was no doubt in my foggy, sluggish mind I had finally pushed my older brother past his breaking point.
There was rustling from the other side of the bed as my younger brother popped up on the other side. Lane was the only one of us who had an easy smile and a teasing twinkle in his eyes. Neither of those things were present as he wrapped his hands around the rail of the hospital bed and glowered down at me. It looked like it wasn’t only Cy who had had enough. A tick started in Lane’s cheek letting me know his teeth were clenched and he was fighting to keep control of his smart-ass mouth.
I let my gaze shift between the two of them.
We’d always been a team, the Warners against the world. Sure, Cy and I butted heads frequently, but that was par for the course when it came to the fact we ran a business together and lived in such close proximity. Throw in the fact that neither one of us ever wanted to back down or admit the other was right, and you had a classic case of sibling rivalry. At the end of the day, though, we would all die for each other; we would do whatever we could to protect one another. It had never been me versus them, and I froze for a moment, realizing that this was exactly that. They were teaming up and I was the odd man out.
“How long have I been here?” My guess was a while. My legs were stiff and my mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls. I shifted under the thin material of the hospital gown that covered me and groaned as the movement sent shots of white-hot pain shooting through my chest. My eyes felt like they were coated in sand each time I blinked so I locked my eyes on Lane figuring he would take pity on me and cut me some slack.
I was wrong.
“A little over forty-eight hours. They had to pump your stomach to make sure you didn’t die. Burke know you were popping all those pain pills while you were trying to drink yourself to death?” Lane’s tone was biting and there was no apology for his harsh words. His knuckles were turning white where they were holding onto the edge of the bed frame. “You didn’t black out because that asshole knocked you around. You blacked out because you were right on the edge of a fucking overdose.” His barely contained fury was evident. I had no doubt that if I could withstand it, he would kick my ass from here to the next county.
I ineffectively licked my lips and cautiously rolled my eyes over to my other brother. Cy was a big bastard, and when he stood over me, arms crossed over his chest, eyes unflinching and hard, I knew he wasn’t going to be any help. He was fighting just as hard as Lane had been to keep himself in check.
“Burke doesn’t know.” Which was the truth. I might not have any problem letting him see me falling down drunk, but I didn’t want anyone to know just how sideways I’d let myself get the last few months. I was standing squarely at the corner of addiction and destruction, unsure which was a better path to take. “I’m not lying. He has no idea.” Cy was already angry at his old friend; I didn’t want their relationship to completely implode because I was acting like a garbage human. Like trash.
“Do you know they were worried your heart was going to stop?” Lane’s furious voice drew my attention back to him. “They wouldn’t have been able to shock it back into rhythm because of all that shit floating around inside of you. They worried about even performing CPR. If your heart stops, no one knows if they will be able to get it started again, Sutton. You’ve been pumping poison into it knowing that.”
It was common for people to misjudge Lane as nothing more than a harmless flirt. His affable personality and mellow demeanor lured people into thinking he was the least dangerous of the three of us. They were wrong. Lane was far more perceptive and cunning than anyone gave him credit for. He had perfected the art of showing people what they wanted to see. If they already had set expectations, then Lane didn’t bother trying to prove to them he was any more or less than they assumed. When his temper unleashed, when his razor-sharp tongue got loose, no one was prepared for it. No one expected it, but Lane had been my second shadow since he could walk, so I knew. All of his ire and frustration was shining out at me. He was pissed and there was no getting around the fact he had the right to be.
I felt the wave of both his fury and his fear wash over me. He’d been playing the good cop the last few months, content to let Cy play bad cop. Clearly, he was done being the nice guy in this scenario.
“Daye already has one parent who is too drunk and self-absorbed to take care of her. She doesn’t need another one.” Lane bit the words out, not reacting when I swore and tried to sit up at the sound of my daughter’s name.
“Where is she? Who’s watching her?” I’d fought for years to get primary custody of my daughter. Her mother, Alexa, was a mistake. One that I, unfortunately, made repeatedly until I realized she was never going to be the mother Daye needed. My little girl was three years old when I walked away, and I’d been fighting for her ever since. After her last run-in with the law, the court had finally agreed I was a much better option, so I had Daye most of the time, but Alexa still had her more often than I was comfortable with. Alexa had been a fully functioning alcoholic when we started dating, something she managed to cover up for a long time. She cleaned up her act when she found out she was pregnant, which was the only reason I agreed to stick around. After the baby was born, it was an endless cycle of broken promises and relapses that wouldn’t have mattered to me if Daye weren’t the one who suffered for it. I’d stopped caring about Alexa long before I left her. She was a train wreck who had endangered my daughter’s life, and the fact that my little brother was comparing me to her burned exactly the way he intended.
“You wouldn’t have to ask that question if you were home with her like you’re supposed to be, Sutton.” Cy’s voice was calm but there was no mistaking the accusation and censure in it. “She’s back at the ranch with Leo and Emrys. She was worried sick when we told her you weren’t going to be home for a few days. She remembers seeing you in that hospital bed after you got shot. She didn’t think you were going to make it. She was terrified she was going to have to go back to her mother full-time.” Daye had turned six a couple of weeks ago. She was getting old enough to understand that just because someone loved her, it didn’t mean they were always going to do right by her. Her mother had failed epically . . . and lately, so had I.
I tried to clear my throat but it made my chest burn. I lifted a hand with a bunch of tubes taped to the back and rubbed it over my mouth. In an effort to change the subject from my lackluster parenting as of late, I asked, “That wasn’t a dream? Em is really here?” Now I was the one who sounded like I was accusing them of doing something wrong.
Cy gave a stiff nod and moved to the side of the bed so he was copying Lane’s pose. “She is. She called Leo a few days ago and told her she wanted to come visit.”
I snorted and closed my eyes. “Why the fuck would she want to come back here?”
“The only person who can answer that is Em. She stayed here yesterday. She wanted to make sure you were going to open your eyes, but she was beat. Leo said she flew here from somewhere in Europe and then drove up from Denver. She was dead on her feet.”
I gritted my teeth and peeled my eyes open to glare at my older brother. “I don’t care why she’s here. I want her gone.” My hands curled into fists at my sides and I felt my sluggish heart start to pound.
Cy shook his head. “Too bad. What you want doesn’t matter anymore. Been trying to let you burn this shit out of your system on your own, Sutton. Did my best to be patient and understanding.” The blue in his eyes was burned away by hot silver, and I knew he was more than pissed at me, he was done. “I love you, little brother, more than anything, but you are a grown ass man who can take care of himself and you know that your actions have consequences.”
I felt something in my chest squeeze as a chill raced over my skin at the look on Cyrus’s face.
“This is a small town. Word’s already getting around about how you’ve been acting. No one is gonna miss the fact you were pulled out of the Big Horn on a stretcher. Alexa is gonna have that information in no time and she’s going to use it to put you through the wringer.”
I opened my mouth to argue but Cy kept on talking over me, cutting me off. “We’ve done our best to protect you, to help you out of this tornado of a downward spiral you seem hell-bent on riding to the end. But there’s someone more important we need to worry about keeping safe now. Daye needs to know she’s protected. She needs to know she has family she can rely on. She needs to know there are adults in her life who will always put her and her needs before their own. You want to fuck up the rest of your own life, Sutton, have at it. I will not let you take that little girl down with you.”
I moved to lunge for him. I wanted to grab him by the front of his Harley t-shirt and smash my face into his face repeatedly. Even when I was in the best shape of my life, there was no way I could win against Cy. He was too big and too mean, but the anger I had coursing through me didn’t care. I struggled until Lane grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me back down on the bed. He kept a hand on the center of my chest and burned holes into me with his eyes as he told me flatly, “You spent her whole life trying to protect her from her drunk of a mother. Only now, you’ve been acting the same as her. Daye deserves better than you. She deserves better than this.” He inclined his head to indicate the hospital room. “We’re done with this, Sutton. All of us are. You’ve put us in the position where we have to worry about protecting your daughter from you.”
I struggled to catch my breath. Both my brothers’ stoic faces blurred out of focus and the ringing in my ears got louder. My throat felt like it was closing off and that pain in the center of my chest wound its way through the rest of my body. I’d been drinking and popping pills to stop everything from hurting. I wanted to be numb. Right now, I felt everything I’d been trying so hard to block out all at once. It hit me hard enough to take the wind out of me. I forgot how to breathe for a second.
“You aren’t taking my daughter away from me. I won’t let you.” My brain was spinning in circles. All I could see was grabbing the adorable little blonde girl who looked just like me and disappearing with her. I’d take her somewhere no one would find us. I’d hide her away where no one could hurt either one of us ever again.
“Jesus, Sutton. We don’t have to take her. You didn’t even know where she was when you woke up. You spent a full day unconscious in this room. If she hadn’t already been at the ranch she would have been with Alexa, and you damn well know that bitch wouldn’t have let any of us take her. You’re the one putting her at risk, not us.” Lane sounded disgusted and the expression on his face let me know that was exactly how he felt.
My eyes burned with unshed tears as the truth twined its way down my spine and across my soul. I was looking to leave memories and mistakes behind, but somewhere in doing all that I’d managed to drop the ball on being a good dad. I’d done exactly what Cy accused. I put my own need to escape ahead of what Daye needed.
The worst. I was the actual fucking worst.
“Don’t do whatever it is you’re thinking of doing. I’ll handle Alexa if she tries to use this shit against me.” I hated that my voice shook even harder than my hands were. I didn’t want to be the weak link in our chain. I didn’t want to be the reason our family finally broke after everything we’d all been through. I needed to get my shit together . . . and pronto.
They both sighed and Cy ordered me to lift my head and look at him. His mouth was set in a hard line and there was no forgiveness or compassion in his cold gaze. “You can’t handle Alexa. You can’t even handle yourself anymore. This is the end of the road, little brother. No more booze. No more pills. No more wallowing in self-pity. Clean it up. Come home and act like a civilized, rational human being. We’ll talk when you can prove that you actually give a damn about that little girl and how your actions affect her.” Those weren’t suggestions. Cy had issued his orders, and everyone in the room knew if I didn’t toe the line I was going to turn from family to foe real quick. I knew what happened when someone went up against a determined Warner . . . they lost . . . always.
“I can’t believe you’re threatening to take my kid away from me.” I could hear the betrayal and belligerence in my voice.
Lane sighed again and leaned down so we were eye to eye. “Never thought we would have to. You think any of us wanted it to come to this? You think that either of us want to be in a goddamn hospital room hoping you’ll open your eyes again? We had enough of that in Billings. This is all on you. You’re the one who brought us here.”
Fucking Lane. He was the most ruthless of all of us. That brutal truth tore through me deeper than those bullets. “I’m not gonna lose my kid. I’m not gonna let her end up back with Alexa. I will fix this.” I had no idea how, but I would.
Lane looked skeptical but Cy dipped his chin down silently letting me know he was giving me the benefit of the doubt. He uncrossed his arms and lifted an eyebrow at me. “Burke has officially eighty-sixed you from the Big Horn. I talked Rodie into encouraging Joel Hammond not to press charges against you. Emrys is going to be at the ranch until she decides she wants to be somewhere else. I’m not telling you that you have to pretend to be the woman’s best friend while she’s here, but I am telling you that if you can’t play nice and be respectful around her, you will be finding yourself a new place to live.”
I gave a dry laugh that had zero humor in it. “So, you’re gonna take my kid and my home away if I don’t come to heel?” Sadly, the idea of being kicked off the ranch didn’t sting nearly as bad as I thought it would. It rankled to have my big brother telling me what to do, but there was no denying he was right about everything.
Again, his chin dipped in acknowledgment. He wasn’t budging. I knew Cy well enough to know he didn’t bluff. “Yeah, I am.”
Lane grunted and moved so he was sitting in a chair next to the bed. “You were working on losing both those things permanently, anyway.”
He wasn’t wrong.
Cy lifted a hand and rubbed it over his dark, styled hair. The man spent more time in front of a mirror fussing with his hair than his woman did. “I have to go check on the girls. When I come back to get you I would plan on Em coming with me. She was upset when you went down yesterday. That was not the welcome back to the ranch that I was hoping for her.”
I scoffed. The pain in my chest at the mention of her was entirely different than the one from taking that cowboy’s hit. “I’m not particularly interested in making her feel welcome.” I’d banked on never seeing her again.
Cy’s eyes narrowed and I heard Lane call me a dumbass under his breath. “She’s important to Leo, so that means she’s important to me. You really want to push me?”
No. No, I did not. If I pushed him anymore he was going to dismantle my entire life even though I hadn’t been doing very good living it lately. I gritted my teeth and gave him a level look. “I’ll keep my shit together.”
He gave a noncommittal grunt and turned on his heel to walk out the door. I looked over at my younger brother and noticed his grin was back and his baby blues were shining bright. In a huff, I demanded, “What’s got you looking so damn chipper?”
He chuckled and put his hand on his flat stomach, kicking his feet up so his boots rested on the edge of my bed. “Watching you try and keep your shit together around Em is going to be way more fun than watching you try and drink yourself to death.”
I was confident I would survive the booze and the pills. Things had just gotten a little out of hand. I’d gotten a lot out of hand.
The woman . . . there was no way I was going to survive having her underfoot. I couldn’t get her off my mind even when I had no idea where she was. How was I supposed to forget her—to chase away the memories of all the times I’d failed her—when she was standing right in front of me?
The thought made me crave a drink, even though my mouth was sour from all the damage the last one had done.