Beulah
IF IT WASN’T FOR HEIDI I would turn my phone off. Seeing Stone’s name on the screen had hurt, but he stopped calling me yesterday. It hurt that he was giving up so quickly. I shook my head frustrated at my train of thought. It was better that Stone was letting me go. If he knew about the baby he’d leave me anyway. I wasn’t going to be a burden to him and neither was my baby.
Fiona had also called several times yesterday and today. I felt guilty not answering her. She was worried when I left the other night. Eventually, I had told her it wasn’t just me I had to take care of, she’d stopped trying to talk me into staying. When she paused to think that through, I left.
My phone started ringing once again and I glanced down to see Jasper’s name. That had surprised me.
I turned my attention back to the interstate in front of me. I’d driven to Jacksonville, Florida the first night, finally pulling into a rest area with twenty-four-hour security to sleep in my car. Even with the security I had locked the doors and climbed into the back seat and covered my entire body.
I had slept seven hours with no interruptions. When the sun came up and the car began to get warm even with the windows cracked I woke up and used that day to explore the city. I wanted to figure out if this could be my new home.
Unfortunately, the city was huge and everywhere I went I felt unsafe. It was also too close to Savannah. After a day of studying the area, I went back to the same rest area and slept. This morning started my journey to I had no idea where. I got back on the road this morning had decided to turn west instead of continuing my southward path. I’d glanced at a map on my phone and saw that once I made it out of Florida on this interstate I would enter Alabama. Using gas meant I would be spending money, and the further I got from Heidi the more money I would spend to get back to her. I started looking at every city I passed wondering if this would be the one I where I’d be happy to live.
My phone made an odd sound and I checked it to find out what it was doing, but nothing looked out of the ordinary. The sign ahead said Tallahassee exits were coming up and I’d heard of Tallahassee. I decided to stop and get food to stop my stomach from growling.
I could Google Tallahassee to figure out if this could be a place where I found a home, a job, and would raise my child. So far, I had spent fifty dollars on gas and my tank was almost at a fourth of a tank. I had to be careful not to get much further away from Heidi.
Although she’d handled my having to leave because of the baby much better than I expected I could see the uncertainty and sadness in her eyes when we said our goodbyes. She was scared and I hated knowing I was leaving her. I would make it a point to visit more than once a month. Thinking about that made Tallahassee seem ideal as I planned my next step.
I pulled into the parking lot of a fast food chicken place and found a spot to park. My guilt over not answering Fiona was bothering me. I had a lot of guilt right now, I could at least alleviate that one.
I sent Fiona a text to reassure her I was safe and that I was where I had intended to stay. I thanked her for her friendship and added that I would miss all of them and hoped to one day see them again. Then I sent it. Feeling better about one person in my life, I put my phone down and reached into my purse to see how much cash I had. I was on a budget and normally food wasn’t something I would take into such careful consideration. I had to eat well because I wasn’t just eating for me. A candy bar and bottle of water wasn’t going to be a meal option now.
The money in my bank account was plenty to rent a small affordable studio apartment, pay for the utilities to be turned on and to buy food. That would only last two months at most. I had to find a job immediately. A job where I could work until I gave birth. If I could get a job with health insurance that would be even better, but I wasn’t going to get my hopes up. I knew I could qualify for state aid.
Taking out five dollars from my cash I got out of the car and walked inside to use the restroom and order myself some breakfast. The place was busy but it was one of the more popular fast food restaurants near the exit. I saw a mother with a baby on her hip and a toddler beside her holding his father’s hand. They were discussing what the kids wanted to eat. It looked easy. Or they made it look easy. Would it be so easy when it was just me standing there with my baby? No man to help carry the tray or hold the child while I went to the restroom. Little things like that. My mother had done it. But I couldn’t remember if it had been tough on her then. When we’d been little like that.
The line to the toilets wasn’t bad and I watched as a mother changed a diaper and another helped her toddler wash her hands. With each baby and child I saw I began to imagine my baby and how it would look. Through all the anxiety and worry there was excitement. I smiled as I finished up in there and followed a mom with a baby out back into the busy dining room.
Standing in line I had time to plan out what I would order using my five dollars efficiently. Grilled chicken and fresh apples with a glass of water was just under my budget. It was also the healthiest option I could find on the menu. I got it to go and headed back out to the parking lot. Eating in the peace of my car would be easier than finding a table in that crowd. However, I only took a few steps in the direction of my car and when my eyes focused and I saw the figure standing there. It was a man leaning against my car with serious expression. I blinked several times to see if I was seeing things. But even with the morning sun in my eyes it was clearly Jasper Van Allan standing next to my car.
I didn’t move. How did he find me here? Why did he come looking for me? All these questions ran through my head as I stared at him. He didn’t move, he continued to watch me. I didn’t want him here. I had too much to deal with and Jasper was one added problem. He couldn’t find out about my baby. He couldn’t find out why I had left and I wasn’t telling him anything.
I walked to my car to confront him. I had no choice if I wanted in my car. This would ruin my quiet meal. My mind raced with every different scenario that would have led him here to me. None of it made sense. I hadn’t told a soul where I was going. I hadn’t even known where I was going.
“Surprise,” he said with a small smile tugging at his lips when I reached him. All I could do was stand there staring at him. I didn’t have anything to say to him. The last time I had seen Jasper I had made it clear I never wanted to see him again.
“Say something, Beulah. Glaring at me will get us nowhere.” He sounded amused. I wasn’t amused. Not in the least.
“Why are you here?” I asked. He wanted me to say something so there it was.
“To find you. I would have thought that was obvious.”
I looked around the parking lot and back at him. “I’m in Tallahassee Florida, Jasper. No one knows where I am. I left without a word on purpose. So no, that isn’t obvious. We haven’t spoken since the day after you so cruelly slashed your best friend with information you really didn’t know for sure in hopes of turning me against him. My question is, why are you here? I didn’t ask you to come nor do I want you here.”
He winced. “Ouch. When did you get mean?”
“The truth sometimes hurts. Doesn’t make me mean. Makes me honest,” I shot back at him.
He lifted his left shoulder with a small shrug then nodded. “You’re right. What I did was an asshole thing to do. But loving someone can make you do insane shit when you’ve lost them and can’t find a way to live without them.”
I sighed. He was back to the loving me thing. Although it had only been a few months ago that I fell in love with Jasper for a short brief fairytale romance, it seemed like another lifetime. It was all before I knew him, really. Before I knew the lies, the secrets, and it was before I knew Stone. Stone had been a mystery. After I got to know him, even his smile could make everything that was wrong in my world right. It was before I knew what it meant to truly give your heart completely to someone else.
“Why are you here?” I repeated instead of talking about the past. It needed to say there. Forgotten.
He dropped his hands from the crossed position over his chest. “Because you ran. You’re alone. And I . . . we want you safe.”
We? I frowned. “Who is we?”
His right eyebrow lifted as if I had just asked a stupid question. “You know who.”
I waited a moment for him to clarify then my silly heart sped up as I said his name “Stone?”
Jasper nodded.
“Stone sent you?” I asked finding that hard to believe.
He winced again. “Damn you’re trying to kill me. Why is that so hard to believe?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the last time we were all together you took his loyalty, friendship and a lifetime of trust and threw it in his face. You turned on him, abandoned him like every other person in his life except Gerry. You were his family and you tossed that away. After all he’d done for you.” My voice gradually got louder as I spoke. I was starting to yell and snapped my mouth closed. I wasn’t going to fight with him in a parking lot. Drawing attention was the last thing I needed.
Jasper didn’t respond right away. He was silent. There was regret looming in his eyes. It was clear that he wished he hadn’t done it. That helped my anger cool. Maybe he wasn’t just like his mother after all. He felt remorse. He saw his faults and wanted to change them. Portia could not.
“I’ll never forgive myself for what I did. I let my insanity when it came to you take over. You don’t love me and you moved on. It was easy for you to forget what we had. But for me, Beulah, it hasn’t gotten easier. Nothing has changed for me. I think about you every damn day. Falling in love with you wasn’t something that disappeared when you did. My biggest fucking fear is I am always going to love you.”
I understood the pain in his eyes as he spoke. Loving someone you can’t be with was life altering. Constant emptiness and sorrow followed you everywhere. Jasper didn’t stop loving me when we found out we were cousins. I’d been so horrified that I’d been able to shut off most of my emotions with him. I missed him and worried about him. I had thought I loved him until I truly fell in love with Stone. Then I knew the difference. If Jasper had loved me the way I loved Stone, we both experienced the same brokenness.
“We’re related, Jasper. We couldn’t be. We never had a chance.”
He nodded. The sadness still there on his face. “I know, Beulah. But my heart doesn’t give a fuck. I wish to God it did.”
Through all of this, everything he’d done, everything I had grown to hate him for, I hadn’t considered how he felt about me. I had never considered he was hurting and unable to move on. My world had become Stone so quickly afterward I didn’t share the same pain Jasper did. Facing Jasper now knowing how hard it was to leave Stone because of the situation, I felt sympathy for Jasper. I guess what we felt was mutual regret. I should have been more sympathetic. I had moved on and thought he should too. My actions had been different but equally as cold as some of his had been to Stone.
“I’m sorry.” The words were inadequate but needed to be said.
“Me too,” he replied. “For a lot of shit and pain I caused. But I’m here now. You need me. I want to be needed. I’m not here to win you over. I know our reality will always make that impossible. But let me help you. If not for my sake let me help you because Stone called me. He trusted me enough to call me. I don’t know why he can’t be here. I don’t know why he was so damn desperate that he called me, but he did. Let me stay with you. Not because I traced your phone and tracked you down, but because he wants me here. He needs to know you’re safe,” he stopped and let out a sigh. “And I need to know your safe.”
There were a lot of things I could say at this moment. I wanted to argue with him about why he needed to leave. I could fight with him and send him back to Manhattan. I knew Stone was facing a fight that involved his son. If Jasper staying here eased his concern for me and he could focus on Wills then I was the cruel one to refuse it.
“I was thinking of staying here. In Tallahassee. My next step was looking at apartments,” I told him.
“Follow me to return the rental car I’m in and we will figure out where to go. But seriously, Beulah, Tallahassee? There are better options. This may be Florida but they’re really country here.”
I liked that. “I’m country,” I replied.
He chuckled. “Maybe but the good ole boys here don’t make me feel real damn safe about ever leaving you. Can we try a few more cosmopolitan areas?”
I had no idea what he meant by that but I wasn’t set on Tallahassee. I shrugged. “Sure. The only stipulation is I can’t be too far away from Heidi.”
“We don’t have to go any further west. It’s time we turned north. You’re in the deep south and moving further in. Time to run while you can.”
I liked the idea of the deep south. But then what did I know?