Beulah
I WAITED, UNSURE IF I was capable of staying.
After ten minutes had passed and he hadn’t left his room, I decided I couldn’t stay with Stone. I knew he was hurting—Jasper had cut him deeply. But he’d left me alone when we needed to talk.
My room seemed so far away now. Everything I owned was still in there although I had been sleeping in his room. I couldn’t even walk to my room. I needed to leave so I could curl up in private. I had to find a way to control the complete anguish that had overcome me. Doing that here, so close to Stone, made me feel vulnerable.
I had nowhere to go, but I had a car.
My purse was still sitting on the table by the entrance. My heart was heavy as I stood weighing my options. I was fully aware if I left it could mean the end with Stone. I may never walk back inside this apartment again. The man down the hall still held my heart, even after learning his secret. It didn’t matter to me if Stone had more dark secrets to unveil. I closed my eyes tightly as they burned with tears. The realization that Stone could be hiding a twisted ugly side to himself still didn’t diminish my love for him. Which made me equally twisted.
Walking to the door, I picked up my purse, and left. The weight of the door closing behind me held so much significance. Despair weighed on me making it hard to leave. Each step away from him, from the happiness I’d found there, tore at my heart. What I wanted and what was right were two different things.
I stopped at the top step and looked back. Memories, so many sweet little memories were inside there. How did I leave them behind? I had to walk away and forget that my heart stayed with him. As I began to descend the stairs finally, I found a way to breathe through the sorrow. It would be a constant thing. Something that wouldn’t leave me easily. If ever.
When I reached the second floor, the door was open and Fiona stood there. Her hip rested against the doorframe, her arms were crossed over her chest. She was wearing one of her running outfits. But she didn’t seem to be leaving for a run. Her eyes were on me. Watching me. Sympathy was there as if she knew.
“Where are you going?” she asked me.
“I’m not sure.” My car was the only place I had figured out so far.
She dropped her arms and stepped back to clear the path into her apartment. “Come inside.”
Fiona’s apartment was too close to Stone. I glanced up and thought for a moment that if I got far enough away my heart may hurt less. I knew that wasn’t true. Nothing was going to ease this pain, but staying close to him may be easier.
It was hard to accept that he had chosen to be alone tonight when I knew he needed me.
“He may want me to leave the building.” As much as that hurt to say to Fiona, I knew Stone could be very cutoff. Also, he had walked away from me. The last time I looked at his face, it was so empty. As if I had become dead to him. The memories gone. Nothing remaining.
Fiona sighed. “Who do you think called me and told me to catch you before you could leave? I wasn’t standing here by accident as you were making your escape.”
The small sliver of hope that coursed through me wasn’t enough to ease my grief completely. But there was something. “Stone called you?” I needed confirmation.
She nodded. “Yes. He said you had nowhere to go and he didn’t want you sleeping in your car. He asked me to intercept you. And if you still left and refused to stay I am to call him. He needs to know.”
Because he wanted me safe. Tears welled up in my eyes again. I wanted to crumple to the floor and cry until the pain was gone or I went numb. Whatever came first.
“You coming inside before you fall apart? Because if Mack and Marty hear you out here crying they’re gonna get involved. Not sure you want that.”
I didn’t want them involved. Explaining this to anyone else wasn’t an option. Besides, it wasn’t my secret to tell. Although it was a horrible one, I couldn’t betray Stone by sharing it. He’d abandoned his child when he was only a child himself. The one thing that stood in the way of that being an excuse was that Stone was a man now. A successful one.
Fiona stood there watching me. Leaving might be the smartest thing for me to do. It would bring an end to this painful day. But I couldn’t do it. I needed Stone to talk to me. He had to help me understand. I needed a reason to believe he was good inside. I wanted to believe that so badly. I couldn’t believe he could be so heartless to his child. There had to be more.
Because of that I wouldn’t leave. Stone deserved a chance to correct this. It was possible Jasper didn’t know the facts.
When I began walking toward her, Fiona sighed with relief on her face.
“Thank God. I’m too tired for the drama that would have ensued had you walked out of this building.”
I paused. “What do you mean?”
Fiona closed the door and turned to walk around me. “Stone would have come barreling after you like a crazed man. I don’t know what’s going on with the two of you. But that man sounded more desperate than I’ve ever heard him. No, let me be clear. I have never heard him desperate. He doesn’t show emotion.”
That was the man I knew. The selfless things I had seen him do. They didn’t fit with the man who had a child and left him with an abusive father. I was missing a piece. I knew it. I had to be.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
I doubted I would be eating again if anytime soon. My stomach couldn’t handle food in the state it was in.
I held back the ugly face I felt like making. “No, I’m fine.”
“Do you want to talk about it or be alone so you can cry and shit?”
“I think I need to be alone,” I told her honestly.
She tipped her chin at me. “Thought so. Come this way.”
I followed her across the living area, turning left to stop in front of a closed door. “That’s the room Shay uses. It’s far enough away from Chantel’s room she won’t hear you crying when she gets home and start asking nosey ass questions. I can appreciate you don’t want to talk about it. Relieved actually. But she loves drama.”
She opened the door and the room was smaller than the two I had seen in Stone’s apartment. I wondered if this was what Presley’s room had looked like.
“Thank you for this.” I sighed as I walked inside.
“No worries. Make yourself at home. This place is laid out similar to Stone’s so you can find the kitchen if you do get hungry.”
I smiled my acknowledgment, and Fiona closed the door without saying anything else. I waited a moment then let my legs give out as I sank to the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs. Rocking back and forth I cried. It didn’t ease the ache. Nothing but Stone could do that. The simple fact he had been worried about me only made the tears come harder.
I couldn’t stop loving him. Even if he was damaged from his childhood. Even if he wasn’t capable of truly loving someone. I didn’t see how he could love me if he couldn’t love his son. There was a disconnect that I feared would always be there.