Jasper
KEEPING MY HEAD STRAIGHT WAS going to be a challenge. When I was tracking her down it was easier to focus on doing it for Stone. Did I hate that he had her love? Yes, but since I ended our friendship with my dick move I realized I didn’t hate him. He had the woman I wanted. The only woman I had ever wanted completely. But I didn’t hate him. I missed him. When I needed advice, I’d catch myself thinking I’d call Stone. He always had an answer. I couldn’t call him and that had hurt. It was a different hurt than losing Beulah, but just as powerful.
This had been my way to fix it. I had to fix what I’d lost with the best friend I’d ever had. However, once she walked out of the fast food place carrying that bag of food and her eyes locked on me, I felt it. The pull to her. Why couldn’t I move on and let her go? She was right in the beginning. We couldn’t ever be together. Not just because we were fucking related. But because of the twisted shit my parents had done. That darkness would always be there between us.
When I glanced over at her sitting there in the passenger seat asleep, it was hard to remember all of that. In the silence of her car, all I could remember was how it felt to hold her. How her smile fixed all the bad shit. And the way it felt to make love to her. Knowing what it felt like to be inside her was the hardest thing to forget. I doubted I ever would. I feared that I would only see her when I was inside someone else. That I wouldn’t be able to truly give myself to anyone else.
I expected her to stay with Stone. I thought they’d be a forever thing. He was the kind of person you knew you could trust. He was solid. He was honest. And he loved her the way I did. Why she had run I didn’t know. He hadn’t told me and I wasn’t real convinced he knew. There had to be a pretty damn big secret. Beulah wasn’t one to run because of a misunderstanding. She’d need a reason. A real one.
She yawned and stretched which caught my attention again. I shifted my eyes to watch her briefly before looking back at the road in front of me. It wasn’t that she was beautiful. I’d been with many beautiful women. It was more that her beauty. Something deeper and pure that couldn’t be faked. It was there drawing you in. Making you want to be worthy of her.
“Where are we?” she asked with a raspy voice.
“An hour from Macon,” I replied.
“Georgia!” she asked sitting up quickly.
“Yes, I did say we were going north,” I reminded her. North of Tallahassee was Georgia.
“But I need to get out of the state. At least. It’s why I went south. Florida was close but it was still a distance from Savannah.” She sounded panicked. I wanted to know why she needed to leave Savannah. What was it that was making her do this? I knew Stone wasn’t a threat. There had to be something else.
“I was thinking Tennessee, but if that’s too far we can go east and head into South Carolina. Not far but a different state,” I told her.
She groaned. “This is using too much gas. I am on a budget. We can’t keep driving all over the Southeast. I need to make a decision and go there.”
I glanced at the gas tank. I’d filled it up an hour ago. “I’m paying for the gas while I’m with you,” I told her. “Don’t argue with me. I made the road trip longer than you intended for it to be. The gas is on me.”
She lifted the side of her mouth in a smirk but she didn’t argue. She was worried about money. Again, why would she leave a job she seemed to love and the security of Stone’s apartment? What was it that would send her running? I started to ask and stopped myself. She wasn’t going to tell me, it was pointless to pry.
“Hungry?” I asked. It was four hours since her breakfast and that hadn’t been much. I’d expected her to pull out a chicken biscuit. That was what that place was famous for. But she’d had grilled nuggets and apples. Not exactly filling.
She nodded. “Yes.”
I started looking for an exit with good food. Or at least decent food. There wasn’t going to be that many options on this stretch of interstate. Not until we got closer to a large city. “What are you in the mood for?” I asked.
She shrugged. “Anything. I’m not picky.”
I already knew that, but I hated to be the one to choose.
“Mexican?” I asked.
She didn’t say anything and I glanced at her and she was biting her bottom lip. I thought she liked Mexican but the strange nervous expression she was making made me think she’d changed her mind.
“Maybe not Mexican then. How about Italian? Pasta sound good?” I asked glancing back at her again to see her reaction.
She looked relieved and let go of the lip she was chewing on. “That sounds nice,” she replied. I didn’t ask what about Mexican set her off but it was going to bug me.
“I think there’s an Italian place up ahead. I saw the sign for it a few miles back. They’ve got good breadsticks. Haven’t been there in years though. Since my early college days.”
She didn’t say anything. I had texted Stone while I was getting gas and let him know I had found her and we were headed north from Tallahassee. I wasn’t ready to be his buddy again. I had to work through my own shit and accept this. What I was doing and why. Then I could face him and apologize. Try to save a friendship I never thought I would be without.
He had simply texted. “Thank you.” Nothing more. No questions. Honestly, his nonchalance had pissed me off. Did he not want to know how she was? If she was upset? Sad? Hurt? Anything? Fuck, he was a good man. I knew that. But when he shut you out he did it completely. Was he planning on doing that to her? Could he? And if he did would I be able to choose between the two?
I glanced at her side profile. She was alone in this world. I didn’t know details but I knew she wasn’t leaving Savannah easily. Heidi was too important to her. There had to be a very good reason. And I didn’t believe it was her fault. Stone was the one who I knew could be so damn dark that it was hard to be around him. He could shut off and withdraw. It was easier to believe he had made a mistake. He had made her believe she wasn’t wanted. Than to think she had done anything to cause this.
His friendship was something I needed in this life. I knew that now better than I had before. Being without it hadn’t been easy. But loving Beulah was the same. Being without her wasn’t easy. If I eventually had to pick one it would be the hardest choice of my life.
“Jasper,” she said almost too quietly.
“Yes?”
“I need you to pull over. Now.” There was panic in her voice. I put on a blinker and slowed down to ease off the road. It wasn’t safe to be on the side of the interstate, but I didn’t question her. The moment I got the car stopped she threw open her door, jumped out and immediately bent at the waist and began to vomit. Over and over.
I watched her a second before it sank in. It began to make sense. Reaching for the door handle I got out of the car and walked around to her. The circumstances for her running, the sadness, the easy acceptance of my presence. It was all because of this.
When she was done, she put her hands on her knees and lifted her head to look at me. She was pale. Her eyes seemed larger than normal and they were now watery. “Thanks,” she said then stood up. She didn’t say more only turned went back to the car, got a napkin out of the bag from earlier, cleaned her face, put the napkin back in the bag and turned to place it on the ground outside. When she did she glanced back at me again. “I know it’s littering but I can’t . . . I need it out of the car.”
The smell of the chicken. Vomiting after the mention of Mexican food. I had never personally spent time with a pregnant woman but I had seen enough television and movies. Stone had no idea. If he did, whatever he was doing right now that was so important he called me to come after her, would be dropped. He’d be here with her. Doing whatever he could to get her to come back.
She got in the car and closed the door. Walking back around to get back in myself I knew I was going to have to tell him. He deserved to know. She needed him to know. But before I did she was going to answer some questions. I wasn’t going to shoot off at the mouth again with information I didn’t have facts on. I was going to be more careful this time.
Starting the car, I pulled back onto the interstate. I didn’t say anything. I let her sit there and think. She had to know I wasn’t a complete idiot. What had just happened wasn’t food poisoning or a stomach virus. If it were it would have been worse. She would be hunched over in the seat weak and sick.
The Italian place appeared the next exit sign and although I wasn’t positive she could eat just yet I took the exit anyway. Our silence continued until I was parked and we were sitting there staring straight ahead. Both of us waiting for the other to speak. I wanted her to tell me. I didn’t want to be the one to hammer her with questions, but I would if I had to.
“He doesn’t want kids. He said him having a child would be a mistake.” Her voice was so soft I had to strain to hear her.
Stone thought he should never be a father. He’d said more than once that he wouldn’t know the first thing about it. He had no example to follow. All he had was Gerry and that wasn’t enough, or so he believed.
“But he said that not knowing about you,” I said making sure I understood correctly. Because if he knew she was carrying his child and he had said that fuck fixing our friendship. I’d find him and beat his ass or go down trying. Truth had always been Stone was the more dangerous one. He’d been fighting since he was young. That was the one thing his abusive father had taught him. Tough, hard, and cold. But he could also be the best human you’d ever met. It was a unique combination.
“I couldn’t tell him. Not after that. I don’t want my baby to ever feel like it was a mistake. Or unwanted. And if he feels that way our child will feel it too.”
She spoke as if each word physically hurt her. She wouldn’t look at me. I could see her chin quiver as she fought to hold in her emotion. When Stone found out I doubted he would ever forgive himself.
“I understand. But I also know Stone. He often says what he thinks and doesn’t consider how it could change if the situation presented itself. I know he loves you. I understand that more than anyone else. And because I know how he feels and the sacrifice he was willing to make to secure your safety by calling me, I also know you’re wrong about how he will feel about the baby.”
If he didn’t forgive me for anything else, what I’d just said should cleanse me from all the other sins I’d committed against him. Beulah was so vulnerable right now. I could take advantage of that and give her a life she didn’t think she would have now. I could step in to be a father to the baby. She’d eventually love me. I could see that scenario and I would be a liar if I didn’t admit it was tempting. But it was also wrong.
I knew the baby’s father. I knew the truth. And I knew he would want her and this baby. She wasn’t an abandoned single mother who needed me to save her. If she was, I’d gladly do it and thank God for a second chance. But this wasn’t my lucky moment. It wasn’t meant to be for us.
“Can you eat?” I asked her instead of pushing or trying to convince her on anything more.
She turned to look at me. A small sad smile touched her lips. “Actually, I’m craving those breadsticks you mentioned.”
For now, I’d feed her. When she slept again I would decide what to do and how to handle it. Stone’s future depended on it and this time I wasn’t going to let him down.