Beulah
ALTHOUGH HE WAS MILES AWAY, I still felt time closing in on me.
Stone had texted and called today. Both times I hadn’t been able to respond. Speaking to him and hearing his voice was too much. Kissing him goodbye knowing it was the last time I’d kiss him crippled me emotionally. I’d been on the verge of tears all day. More than once I had found myself thanking Geraldine for the job and all she’d done for me. How her friendship meant so much and how I would always cherish our memories forever. I hadn’t been able to tell her I was leaving because doing so would mean I’d have to tell her why.
For the child growing inside me, I couldn’t do it. I had someone else to protect now. This baby would come first for the rest of my life. It wasn’t something I had to remind myself of, it just came naturally. Knowing that Stone didn’t want the baby made me feel even more fiercely protective. As if I could be enough for both parents.
If I told Geraldine, she’d have to tell Stone. Instead I made our last day count. I spent time doing all the things I had been wanting to get to, I made her favorite meals and we sat outside like she loved to do. I listened to her stories and laughed enjoying the moment. This would be my last memory with her and I soaked it all in.
Once she went upstairs for a nap, I made extra meals and placed them in the fridge. She would be okay until Stone got back. When I left her house. I went to see Heidi. It was unexpected and much later than I had ever visited before.
Heidi had been my world for so long. She’d been my number one priority. Now she was safe. Taken care of. I’d have to one day make sure Stone was paid back for her care to protect. Right now I had no other option. I’d have to owe him.
Leaving town meant leaving Heidi here. I would come back for her when I could. I would visit her but not as often as I did now. She was happy with her friends and her home. Taking her from all that was unfair especially when I wasn’t able to make sure she had proper care and food. This was where she would be safest.
When Heidi came out of her room and saw me walking down the hall, she’d beamed at me and ran to hug me fiercely. I held onto her tightly. Trying not to cry. She wouldn’t understand. I knew that. But I had to tell her. She was the one person I couldn’t leave without telling her why. She depended on me. And I never wanted her to think I was gone forever like Mom was.
“Beulah, you surprised me!” she said loudly with such happiness in her voice. This was going to be difficult.
“I wanted to see you,” I told her and kissed her cheek.
“I made a pillowcase today! Come see!” she grabbed my hand and pulled me to her room.
I went, thankful that we were going to be in her room alone. No one to hear me or hear Heidi’s questions. She ran over to her bed and took a pillow off of it. It was covered in painted flowers. Yellow daisies like the ones our mother loved so much. I knew she remembered her. My eyes stung as I saw that memory showing through on the pillow she had painted. I didn’t want her to think I was going away like our mother had. She needed to know I would always be here. Explaining that to her seemed so difficult. Her capability of understanding the difference wasn’t exactly clear. I wasn’t sure what all Heidi did or didn’t completely understand. Sometimes I thought I knew and other times I wondered if she figured out more than I realized or gave her credit for.
“It’s beautiful,” I assured her as I touched the pretty yellow flowers.
“I learned to sew on a machine. They taught us and it was fun.” Her excitement was contagious.
Another reason I loved it here. It wasn’t just a care facility. They taught Heidi things I never could. They made her feel as if she were capable of so much more than the world let her believe she was.
“You will have to teach me one day,” I told her. “I would love to know how to sew.”
Heidi nodded enthusiastically. “May sewed a skirt. It’s pink and has white hearts. It’s too big for her, but Tammy said that she could wear it.”
Tammy was one of the nurses. And I had no doubt Tammy would wear the skirt proudly. May would be so pleased and the others would be impressed. This place provided Heidi with the family she needed and the kind I couldn’t give her. I was struggling to find my way in the world and now I was going to have to build a life to bring a child into. A life where I could support the child and give it all my mother had given us.
“Heidi, I need to talk to you about something. It’s a secret. Something I can only tell you and no one else can know. Do you understand?” I wasn’t sure this was the way to tell her, but I knew my time was limited. I had to make a move tonight. Talking to Heidi was the only thing I absolutely had to do other than pick my things up from Stone’s.
She nodded and a frown creased her brow. “I can keep a secret. I promise.”
I knew she’d try very hard to never tell what I was about to tell her. But I also knew it was going to be hard for her to accept or understand. Leaving her alone for a while wasn’t something she had ever dealt with. I didn’t know if she could accept what I was going to share with her.
I put my hand on my stomach and looked at her. I thought about how Mom would tell her this. How she would explain to Heidi that I had no other choice. Channeling the woman who had loved us and raised us, I took a deep breath and held her gaze. “Inside my stomach is a baby. It’s growing. And my stomach will get big and the baby will be born. Do you understand that?” I paused to give her a moment to take that in. Digest it. Figure out how that affected her. What it meant for her.
Her eyes grew wide and she nodded slowly. “You’re going to be a mommy.”
Her simple words were so powerful. I was going to be someone’s mother. I was going to be the person they relied on to live. Me. I swallowed the fear clawing at my throat and threatening to stop my oxygen flow.
She didn’t ask who the daddy was. Simply because she had never seen a father in our life. There was no daddy. She didn’t know there was a man required for creating a baby. Instead, she asked, “Is it a boy or girl baby?” The excitement in her voice was evident.
“I don’t know yet. I won’t know for a long time still.” A few months was forever to Heidi. Which was why telling her I had to go away was so hard. I wouldn’t stay away for months at a time. I knew I couldn’t do that to her. But making it back here was going to be hard. Once a month was all I could promise right now. Until I knew more about where I was going to live and work.
“Will I be able to hold it?” She was still wide-eyed with amazement.
“Yes. You’ll be the best aunt in the world.”
She slapped a hand over her mouth as if I had just told her the most fantastic news she’d ever heard. I waited for her to put her thoughts into words. “I’m going to be an aunt?” she whispered as if that was the ultimate secret.
I nodded. “The only aunt this baby will have,” I told her.
We didn’t have aunts. But Heidi knew what they were because she had friends here who had aunts. She had also watched enough television to understand what an aunt was.
“Ohmygod!” she squealed and clapped her hands rapidly while jumping up and down.
Again, I fought back tears. Because as happy as she was now I still hadn’t told her what all this meant for us. How it would change her routine. How I wouldn’t be here as much. How once again, she would have to adjust to change.
She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I will be the best aunt ever,” she promised.
I had no doubt that she would. I held her to me and closed my eyes tightly fighting back emotion. My entire life I had protected her the best I could. Been there for her, loved her, and worried about her. She’d been my ultimate source of joy. Now, I was going to leave her. Put time and space between us while my first priority became someone new.
“I know you will,” I replied. “But I need to tell you something else. Something that has to happen because of the baby inside me. It won’t be forever, but for a time. It will change things and it won’t be easy. It will make you sad, it will make me sad,” I stopped and studied her a moment. I tried to decide what she understood. Her eyes were wide as she waited for me to tell her more. There was so much trust there. Her world was safe. She didn’t understand the pain, sorrow, or fear that was just outside.
I was so very thankful for that.
“I need to take care of the baby and to do that I have to move to find a new house and a new job. I won’t live close to here. I can’t stay close and take care of the baby. There is someone who doesn’t want me to have this baby. I need to keep the baby safe from them. I will come back once a month and see you. I’ll bring cookies and I will stay the day. It won’t be forever but for a while. Until I can figure out something else. For now, I need to find a place in another town.” I stopped afraid I had said too much. More than she would understand.
She didn’t reply right away. We stood there still holding onto each other but we did it in silence. I watched her expression change and I fought against the urge to say more. Try harder to explain. I knew she needed time to let this sink in and to work through it and figure it out. Hopefully she could accept this huge change.
“Will you and the baby be safe if you leave?” she asked me. Her question in a quiet voice but the sincerity and concern there was heartbreaking. I never wanted to cause Heidi to worry. I wanted her to live in happiness.
“Yes. I will find a place that we will be safe.”
She frowned. “I want you to both be safe.”
I squeezed her tightly in a hug. “I will make sure that we are.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise,” I replied my eyes full of tears and slowly beginning to trickle down my cheeks. “And I will be back here to see you every chance I get.”
“I like pink,” she said.
“I will bring pink cookies and cupcakes,” I assured her.
“No. I like to make pink blankets. I like pink clothes. I want the baby to be a girl.”
A small laugh escaped me, drowning the sadness that was weighing on me. Only Heidi could do that when I was so low. “Maybe it will be. Just for you.”
She didn’t reply right away and I didn’t push for more. This was going smoother than I expected. My heart was breaking. I was so proud of her it was also bursting.
“If it’s a boy I will learn to love blue,” she finally said after several moments.
I didn’t reply. I was too choked up to say anything. Instead, I held her. My only family. All I had in this world. My special gift in life. My sister.