The next day raced by. I spent most of the day getting the last few bits and pieces together, making sure I had everything I would need. My Mum sorted out some snacks for the flight, while I made sure my Kindle was stocked with plenty of books to read and that my iPod had plenty of songs downloaded onto it.
After lunch, I took a walk to the local Church. It wasn’t raining when I’d left the house, but as I entered the Churchyard, it started to drizzle. I pulled my umbrella out of my bag and opened it, the wind blowing my hair in my face.
I made my way through the graveyard, past the old tombstones dating back to the 1800’s towards the more recent plots. I hadn’t been able to attend Mia’s funeral as I had been in hospital for nearly three weeks after the accident. I had suffered with dizzy spells, and the Doctors were reluctant to let me go home until the dizzy spells had stopped.
I had been devastated that I hadn’t been able to say a proper goodbye. I had come to Mia’s grave daily in the weeks after my release from hospital, sometimes needing to talk to her and other times just to think. I hadn’t been for a few weeks, finding it too hard to be here. I stood in front of her headstone and read the words written there.
Mia Eliza Green. Born 18 August 1997.
Died 13 December 2015. Loving Daughter, taken too soon.
Always in our hearts.
I traced my fingers over the letters of her name as I sat down on the wet grass, not caring that the rain was seeping through my jeans. There was a bunch of pink roses in the small vase in the front of her headstone. I’m guessing that her Mum had put them there.
Mrs Green came weekly, although I was ashamed to say, never at the same time that I had come. I had avoided Mia’s parents since the accident. I just couldn’t face them. They had been to see me at the hospital, and I will never forget the pain in their faces at seeing me alive while their daughter was dead.
They had tried several times to visit me at my parents’ house, but I had always refused to see them. My parents had told me that Mr and Mrs Green didn’t blame me for Mia’s death, they just wanted to make sure that I was okay. I just couldn’t believe that after seeing their faces that day at the hospital. Somehow, by some miracle, I had managed to avoid them in the village, but I knew that wouldn’t last forever.
“Hey Mia,” I said shakily. “Sorry I haven’t stopped by in a while, it’s just…hard. It doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about you, though. I think about you every day. I miss you so much.” A tear fell down my cheek, and I reached my hand up to wipe it away. “I’ve started working at the bakery for a few hours a week. I’m working with Leo; it was a bit awkward to start with but were friends now.” I paused, taking a deep breath. “I’m going to visit my Aunt Claire on the ranch in Austin. My parents think it will do me good to get away and have a break from things. I wasn’t too sure to start with, but I think I’m actually looking forward to going. I wish you could come with me. I know you’d love it there. Well, you’d love the cowboys anyway.” I said with a small smile. “Jack is going to see if he can get a flight out to Austin to spend a few days with me, I haven’t seen him in a while, so it will be great to catch up with him for a bit,” I told her.
I sat for a while longer telling Mia about my shopping trip yesterday with my Mum, and how many bags we’d had to carry around with us. Soon I began shivering, the rain coming down heavier now and the cold bleeding through my clothes. I stood up and again ran my fingers across her name. “I’ll come and visit again, as soon as I get back, I promise…bye Mia,” I whispered, backing away from the grave.
I made my way back home and went straight in the shower to try and warm up. I stood for a long time under the hot spray hoping the water would wash away all of the pain and hurt I was feeling. I got out a while later and went downstairs to find my parents. They had both been at work today, so I’d had the house to myself. I found my Mum in the kitchen making dinner.
“Hey Mum,” I said giving her a hug.
“Hi sweetheart, how was your day? Have you just got out of the shower?” She asked taking in my damp hair.
“Yeah, I got wet at Mia’s grave,” I said quietly. “I went to tell her about my trip to Austin, and to say goodbye.”
My Mum looked at me in surprise. “Oh okay.” She said. “Are you alright?”
I didn’t often talk to my Mum about Mia so I could tell that she was surprised. “Yeah, I’m okay. I haven’t been in a while. I wanted to go before I left for Austin as I don’t know exactly when I’ll be back.” My parents hadn’t booked my return flight home. They had said they didn’t want to put a timeframe on my trip. Aunt Claire was happy for me to stay as long as I wanted, and we could book a flight pretty quickly once I decided I wanted to come home.
“Oh, honey.” She said, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so glad you’re talking to me again about Mia, I know how hard it is for you to talk about her, but I’m always here for you, and will always listen when you want to talk.”
“I know, thanks, Mum.” I hugged her back hard. I was going to miss my parents while I was away. When I left to go to university I’d missed them, but Mia hadn’t let me dwell on it, and university was so busy I didn’t really have time to think about it. I imagined that I would have plenty of time to think while I was on the ranch. I just hoped that I wouldn’t be too stuck in my head to enjoy it.
“Are you all ready to go? Any last-minute packing to do?” My Mum asked as she got back to peeling the potatoes.
“No, I’m all set. Nervous about the flight, but I’ve got my Kindle loaded with books and my iPod ready. I should be fine once we’ve taken off.” I’m sure I was trying to convince myself more than my Mum.
I’d been abroad a total of three times. Twice to the ranch and when I was around twelve we’d gone to Spain for a week. I’d hated flying all three times. There was no logical reason for my fear, I just hated the take-off and landing. Providing the flight was smooth the rest of the way, I was generally okay, although I’d never flown on my own before.
“You’ll be fine sweetheart.” My Mum replied, trying to reassure me. I smiled at her and hoped that she was right.
After dinner, I spent a couple of hours with my parents watching television and chatting before we all headed off to bed. Tomorrow would be an early start. We needed to get up around 5 am to catch the train. Although I knew that I needed to get an early night, I had trouble falling asleep. The nerves had kicked in, and I was thinking of Mia and how much she would have loved to have come with me.
I must have fallen asleep at some point as I suddenly found myself awake and sitting up in bed crying. I wiped my eyes and reached for my phone on the bedside table. It was 4.30 am, I had been asleep for longer than I thought. I paused and listened for any movement from my parent’s bedroom across the landing. Thankfully I was met with silence. My nightmares hadn’t woken them this time.
I shut my eyes and pulled my duvet around me. I knew realistically that a trip to Austin wasn’t going to suddenly stop my nightmares or make me stop missing Mia. I would always miss her, but I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I wanted to start living again, and I hoped that I could find a bit of my old self while I was away so that I could begin to heal.
There was no point trying to go back to sleep when I needed to be up in thirty minutes. I dried my eyes and reached for my Kindle, excited if a little nervous at what lay ahead.