CHAPTER
FIFTEEN
____________________
Ella
I am such a coward and a liar.
I sighed at the thought and slumped down onto my side on the sofa until my head came to rest on one of the throw pillows. I curled up into a little ball and stared unseeing at the blaring television in front of me as guilt washed over me. I should be at work right now, but I'd called in sick to avoid any chance of having to face Calder again. Gwen had been completely understanding and didn't doubt me at all when I told her I was still feeling under the weather. It made me feel even worse. On top of that, I lied and told Evan and Beth that I was sick too, not wanting them to question why I didn't go to work. Yup, I felt like a real winner tonight.
Now, I was all alone in my brother's living room wallowing in my misery. Beth's parents had all three kids for the weekend at their family farm. Violet was so excited to be invited. She would have been devastated if she'd been left behind. I was grateful that her parents were so kind and welcoming to my daughter when they included her, even though I missed her terribly and the distraction she'd be if she was here with me.
With the kids gone, Evan and Beth took the opportunity to have a weekend away together. I was happy for them, but now I was left alone and at loose ends with plenty of time to dwell on my guilt and the depressing state of my life.
Maybe I should have gone to work, but just the thought of seeing Calder again filled me with dread, and a longing I wanted to deny but couldn't. Despite how upset I felt about what happened last night, I still wanted the man and feared I'd only make a fool out of myself by throwing myself at him again. What was wrong with me? Was I a glutton for punishment? I just needed more time to get a grip on myself before I was forced to go back to work. Hopefully, by tomorrow night, I'd have my shit straight enough to deal with having to see him again. I closed my eyes and let out an even deeper sigh. Yeah, right. Like that was going to happen.
The doorbell rang, startling the crap out of me. I sat upright, wondering who the hell was here at almost ten o'clock at night. That was immediately followed by a chilling and terrifying thought. What if something had happened to my Violet? She was the only thing I had left that was good in my life. I flew to my feet in a sudden panic and ran to the front door to fling it open without even checking the peephole to see who was here. Imagine my stunned surprise when I found Calder on the other side of the door.
He was standing there in the low light flooding out onto the porch in a light-gray herringbone suit. His broad and imposing shoulders tapered down to a trim waist and long muscular legs. His dark wavy hair was carelessly and sexily styled, and his goatee perfectly trimmed. He was simply gorgeous and breathtaking, and here I stood in yoga pants, one of my brother's over-sized T-shirts, and my hair pulled up into a tangled mess on top of my head.
His crystalline blue eyes slid down my body, and to my surprise, there was a gleam of heated lust in his eyes. My body immediately reacted in kind with a zing of warm arousal that throbbed between my legs. His eyes widened, and an instant later, his expression was polite and controlled, like nothing had happened at all. The change was so abrupt that it had me wondering if I'd imagined what I saw a moment ago.
"Wh...what are you doing here?" I blurted out in an almost accusing tone that I didn't intend, discomfited by him being here and my body's unwanted response to his presence. I never told him where I lived, but I knew as my employer, he had my address.
"I needed to speak with you," he said in a polite conversational tone that belied the slight narrowing of his eyes at my unintended rudeness. "May I come in?"
"Uh...yeah, sure," I replied, not really wanting to let him in, but what choice did I have. Calder had always been stubborn, and I doubt that had changed. He wasn't leaving until he talked to me, so I might as well get it over with.
I stepped aside so he could come in, and I caught the scent of his musky cologne as he passed close to me. He smelled so good, and I remembered being surrounded by it last night as his body loomed over me, his cock thrusting deeply into me over and over again, his mouth all over my body, on my breasts, my lips, my neck. Desire washed over me in a rush that almost shuddered through me, but then I remembered the horrified look on his face afterwords. That immediately put a damper on my lust.
He walked into the living room like he owned the place as I followed in his wake. He eyed the room, taking in my brother's simply and tastefully decorated room with its inexpensive yet comfortable furniture, refinished hardwood floors, and my favorite part of the room, the original brick fireplace. I wondered what he thought of it. Evan's home was quite the step up from the poverty Calder and I both came from, but he was obviously very wealthy now considering his designer suit and the fancy car I caught a peek of parked in front of the house. He might have turned into a pretentious rich douchebag for all I knew.
"You're house is very nice," he said in a sincere sounding voice as he turned to look at me. Okay, so maybe he hadn't turned into a douchebag.
"It's Evan's, not mine," I said softly as I met his eyes. "He's letting me stay here until I get back on my feet," I added as I looked away from his penetrating blue gaze to stare at the floor, uncomfortable with his intense scrutiny. It felt like he was looking right through me, and I knew that whatever he saw he'd find it lacking. Especially after I unloaded all my personal shit on him like a blubbering idiot last night before we...before...the incident.
Calder looked away and glanced toward the doorway into the kitchen. "Is he here?" Calder and Evan had been pretty close while we were dating.
"No," I answered. "Evan, and his wife, Beth, and all the kids are gone this weekend. I'm all alone." My voice took on a sorrowful tinge with that last sentence that I didn't mean to show. Yup, I was pathetic. Like he cared about the current state of things in my life. I suddenly wished he'd get to the point of this visit and then leave.
"May I sit down?" Calder asked, already moving toward the sofa.
"Sure." I nodded and followed him.
Calder lowered himself fluidly down onto the couch. I wisely chose to sit on the reclining chair across the coffee table from him. Distance seemed wise with how my body reacted when he came close to me. I didn't want to embarrass myself by mauling him again.
His eyes bore into me once more, and I stared at my lap in discomfort and fiddled with the hem of my T-shirt. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had all these memories of the man I used to know, but he was virtually a stranger to me now. He was so familiar, yet not. It was confusing, and add that to the desire for him that was still swirling around inside me, and I didn't have any idea what to do or say. Uncomfortable silence stretched between us for far too long, but still I said nothing.
"Look at me, Ella," Calder finally said in a stern commanding tone that held an edge of impatience.
It startled me, and the compulsion to obey him was undeniable. I looked up to meet his beautiful blue eyes again and was surprised to find them soft and filled with concern.
He lifted his right hand and rubbed his thumb idly across his lips drawing my gaze downward. It was sexy as hell when he did that. It always had been. It also reminded me of last night when he'd touched my clit with that thumb, then pushed it into my mouth while fucking me. My eyes immediately fixed on his mouth, and my head was suddenly full of unwanted lustful thoughts about what I'd like that mouth to do to me right now.
"Last night shouldn't have happened," he said in a pained and regretful tone.
My eyes flew up to his as a surge of pain hit me hard and banished my lust. I was right. I was just a pity fuck. I guess some small part of me had hoped that wasn't true, and the bitter truth of it hurt. I was a fool.
"I...I took advantage of you in a moment of weakness." He sighed, his eyes skating away from mine as he absently fingered the crook of his left elbow. "It was a mistake."
Tears burned my eyes, and I'd heard enough. "Great," I said in a harsh voice as I flew to my feet. "I'm tired and I don't feel well. I think it's best if you leave now." I ignored his baffled expression and turned to leave the room.
I heard him following close behind me. Thank God. I needed him gone before I started sobbing uncontrollably. He grabbed my upper arm in a firm yet still gentle grip, and pulled me to a stop. I tried to ignore the zing of heat that flew up my arm from his touch, and whirled to find him staring down at me with a scowl.
"Ella," he said sternly. "I'm trying to apologize here." His voice was colored with annoyance, and it pissed me off.
I jerked my arm out of his hand, incensed. "Great," I gritted out. "I get it. You're sorry you gave me a pity fuck, and I'm sorry it was so disappointing and horrific for you. There. Are we good now?"
His head snapped back in stunned shock, but I turned and headed for the door again, intent on getting him the hell out of here before I lost it. It was too late though. The tears came hard and fast now, and I couldn't stop them. I reached for the door knob with a sob. I turned it and began pulling the door open just as Calder's hand shot out to land on the door next to my head. He pushed it closed again. His other hand gently turned me to face him, but I closed my eyes, refusing to look at him again and trying desperately to ignore the desire his touch made surge up inside me again.
"Ella," he said, his voice careful and almost tender. It was a ghost of the way he used to talk to me all those years ago when he loved me, and it only caused me more pain.
"Please," I begged in a ragged whisper. "Just leave."
"No," he said with a forceful edge. "Not until you look at me and listen to me."
I didn't want to, didn't want to look into those eyes that used to look at me with such sweet affection, but was long gone now thanks to me. I feared seeing that look of horror he had on his face after we had sex last night. I couldn't take it again. A long moment passed, and he sighed heavily in exasperation.
"Look. At. Me," he said more vehemently, his voice low, demanding, and for some reason, sexy as hell.
I couldn't help myself and obeyed, immediately opening my eyes to find him staring intently down at me with a fierce expression that should have frightened me. All it managed to do was turn me on even more. His eyes brightened and burned hot, his nostrils flaring and his body going tense. Oh yeah, he knew it, and felt it himself too. He blinked rapidly, then took a step back, putting a few feet between us. I was grateful for the distance, so I could think past my overactive libido.
"I didn't fuck you because I pitied you," he explained harshly. "I fucked you because I couldn't help myself. I couldn't control it. I couldn't control myself." He shook his head in confusion. "I don't understand it. It makes no sense. I shouldn't want you. I should...I should..." He trailed off with a pained expression and averted his eyes from mine.
"Hate me?" I finished the sentence for him. "You should." I closed my eyes and looked down in shame. "I know I do," I added in a fragile whisper.
Another moment passed, and he sighed softly. I felt him step closer and brush his fingers across my cheek. I shivered from his touch, then raised my head as I opened my eyes. The tender concern I saw on his face surprised and dumbfounded me.
"Ella," Calder said in a strained whisper. His brow furrowed as his hand slid up to cup my cheek. His thumb glided across my lower lip, his eyes burning with bright fire as they focused on my mouth.
"Calder," I whispered back, the word colored with pain, and longing, and so much regret. "I-"
His mouth abruptly crashed into mine, cutting me off with a deep searing kiss. I was instantly lost to the fiery lust between us, forgetting what I was going to say next, and the fact that we really shouldn't be doing this again.