CHAPTER
TWENTY-THREE
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Calder
I stepped out of my car and walked across the parking lot of Désir Dangereux staring at my phone. I'd gotten Ella's number off the computer's employee list and put it in my phone yesterday afternoon. I didn't even know what possessed me to do it, but now I wanted to text her, to see how her night was going. I missed her since yesterday, ached for her too. I wanted sex, and I wanted it with her. I didn't want anyone else. No one else felt like her. Tomorrow night couldn't come fast enough. I just wished I could bring her here, take her to my private playroom, and show her the pleasure a Dom could give her. I wished I could have everything with her, but that was impossible. That could never be again. I'd changed too much, become someone else.
That thought put a damper on my desire to text her, and I slipped my phone back into my pocket with a heavy sigh. I pushed the numeric code into the keypad next to the door and went inside the bland and unassuming industrial building that hid my dark kinky world from the vanilla one outside.
I'd just left Rex and Jo's place a short time ago after having dinner there, and the club was already open now. I usually arrived before the doors opened, but I hadn't spent any time with Rex and Jo in a month, and wasn't in any hurry to leave. Spending time with them made me feel normal, cared about, loved. If it wasn't for them, I'd have forgotten what that even felt like.
I reached my office and opened the door. I walked in to find Scott slumped in my desk chair wearing an actual, honest to God, suit and a grim defeated expression. I was used to finding him here. As my silent business partner, he could come and go as he pleased. I closed the door and sat in one of the chairs across the desk from my best friend.
"That bad, huh?" I asked with a frown.
"Dinner with the fam," he grumbled out sarcastically. "Boat loads of fucking fun every time."
"You should have come with me to Rex and Jo's," I replied.
He made a scoffing noise. "Yeah, right," he said. "Like I need that kind of passive-aggressive guilt trip from my parents."
Scott had a contentious relationship with his family, and particularly his parents who didn't approve of his career choices, especially his business association with me. He came from a very wealthy and old money family, something that was completely alien to me. We'd come from two very different worlds when we met in rehab. It still astounded me that we'd become such good friends.
"How are your brothers?" I asked. He had an older brother who was being groomed to take over the myriad of businesses his family owned, and a younger one that was just about to finish medical school.
"Still perfect, and glaringly nothing like me," he answered acerbically, his expression hard and obviously irritated.
Okay then, time to change the subject since I could tell he wasn't in the mood to talk about his family tonight.
"Did you have fun playing house yesterday?" he abruptly asked before I could say anything else. Now it was my turn to be irritated.
"What the hell does that mean?"
"You tell me," he continued evenly. "You're the one hanging out with the woman who dumped you twelve years ago and her child from another man." He frowned worriedly at me. "What's going to happen when she hurts you again?" He shook his head as his eyes turned sorrowful. "I don't want to find you not breathing again," he said in a pained whisper.
"It's not like that," I replied sincerely. "We're just...we're just..." I trailed off. Shit.
"Just friends?" Scott asked.
I shifted in my chair uncomfortably as his eyes narrowed suspiciously.
"Just fucking?" he asked sharply.
I didn't know how to answer him since I didn't even know what Ella and I were right now. All I knew was that I couldn't stay away from her. Silence stretched out between us.
"Be careful, Calder," he finally said.
"I am being careful," I growled out. "I'm always careful." His dubious expression pissed me off.
"You're playing with fire, Calder, and you can't afford to get burned."
"I have to get to work," I snapped out and stood.
I turned and left my office without looking back. I heard him following me in the hallway as I opened the door out to the club. I didn't want to deal with him pressing me about this anymore, so I made a beeline across the main club floor to the public dungeon. I knew he wouldn't dare to follow me in there, thanks to his aversion to all things BDSM. I know it was petty and immature, but necessary. I didn't want to fight with him since I knew he was only pushing me about this because he cared about me. The man always had my back, even when he told me things I didn't want to hear.
I went to my usual chair near the center stage and sank down into it with a sigh. A riding crop demo was just beginning on stage at the moment, by a couple I knew would put on an enjoyable show. I knew this Dom to be skilled with a crop, and his experienced sub to be enthusiastic about his attentions. I watched him direct her onto the spanking bench that sat center stage, then arranged her nude body into a position of his liking. He didn't bother to restrain her to the bench physically, but merely told her not to move if she wanted to be allowed to come. It was a challenge of mind over body for this woman. One that I knew she'd probably relish just as much as her Dom did, if the eager look on her face was any indication.
The man circled her once slowly, caressing her body with just the tip of the crop. I watched with rapt attention as he began raining blows onto her bare ass, making her cry out in very obvious and unrestrained pleasure. Suddenly, I began to picture myself in the Dom's place with Ella at my mercy as my willing and enthusiastic sub. It was something I wanted so badly, had fantasized about for days now, but knew I could probably never have. I wouldn't even know where to begin to try to explain this lifestyle to her, let alone ask her to let me show her. What if she was disgusted by it, or by me? Even though I knew it wasn't going to work out, I didn't want this thing between us to end yet.
"Sir?" a sweet and feminine voice spoke, drawing my attention away from the stage.
A woman was now kneeling at my feet in front of my chair with her head bowed respectfully. I recognized her light brown curls and sweet perfume immediately. Her name was Reese, and she'd been a member here for several years. We were also Dom and sub for a short time last year until she realized she needed a more emotional connection with a Dom than I could give her. She found that not too long after we amicably ended our contract. Unfortunately, she and her master had a brutal and painful break up last week, and I had a suspicion that I knew why she was at my feet right now.
"Yes, Reese?" I asked her politely with little to no inflection.
"Sir...I... um..." she wavered out, her face rising to meet my eyes. Her expression was desperate and sorrowful. "I was wondering if you were looking for a new sub, sir."
Just as I thought, it would seem that word had finally got around that Claudia and I had ended our contract. I had a reputation as a hard and demanding Dom, yet a fair and generous one. I took good care of my subs during and after play, even if I had no desire for an actual relationship. Because of that, every time I ended a contract I was quickly bombarded with women looking to be my new submissive. It wasn't going to happen with Reese, even if Ella wasn't in the picture right now. It wasn't what she needed. She was still too raw and hurting from her break up.
I leaned forward with a soft smile and gently caressed her cheek, wanting to let her down easy.
"I'm sorry, my lovely," I said sympathetically. "I am not, but we both know you're not ready for a new Dom."
"But, sir-" she began, but the sudden loud crash of breaking glass silenced her and drew the attention of the entire room.
I looked toward the sound and froze in stunned shock. There just inside the room was Ella, standing amid the shattered remains of a tray full of drinks and staring right at me. Her face was twisted in pain, and tears were already filling her eyes. Before I could even register what was happening or why she was here in the club, she whirled and fled the room in a rush.
Fuck.
Without a thought, I flew to my feet and chased after her. By the time I pushed through the double doors, Ella was already halfway across the main club. I strode swiftly after her, not wanting to cause a scene by running myself. She ran straight for the door that led to the back rooms and my office, disappearing through it while I was still several yards behind her. My God, what must she think of me now after seeing me in that room? And what was she doing here? I had to catch her before she could get away, had to explain all this to her somehow and make her understand without despising me. I started running now, no longer giving a shit what anyone thought or how it looked as I shoved my way through the throng.
I made it to the door, and flung it open just in time to see Ella vanish around the corner at the end of the hall. Shit, she was heading for the exit. I dashed after her, and turned the corner myself to see her pass Gwen's office and go into mine. I rushed headlong toward the door and made it to the open doorway just as Ella came rushing back out. She plowed right into me and bounced off my torso. I reached out and grabbed her shoulders to keep her from tumbling to the floor as she stumbled backwards. When she found her balance again, she jerked away from my touch.
"Don't touch me!" she cried out as she backed away from me. Her face was a mask of pain and anguish, and the fact that I'd caused it made my chest ache with guilt.
"Ella, please," I begged as I reached out to her. "Just let me explain."
"There's nothing to explain," she sobbed, her voice thick and breaking. "I just want to go home."
"No," I said sharply, my desperation showing as I closed the door and stood there blocking it from her. "Not until you let me explain what you saw out there."
"Please," she said bitterly. "I've heard every excuse imaginable for it. I didn't believe Ray anymore than I'll believe you, but this time I don't have to tolerate it."
I stared at her in confusion. What did Ray have to do with this?
"Save your lies for someone else." She glared at me through her tears. "And let me go."
"What?" I asked in utter bafflement. "Lies?" I shook my head in consternation at her. "What the hell are you talking about?" I couldn't figure out what kind of lie could possibly explain away what she just saw in the public dungeon.
"That woman who was kneeling in front of you," she said accusingly. "Who is she?"
"Reese?" I asked incredulously. That was what she was upset about? Not the whipping, the bondage, or the sex going on in the dungeon, or the fact that I was there watching it happen? I was so stunned that I didn't even know what to say at this point.
Her face twisted painfully as she hugged herself and looked at the floor. "Are you sleeping with her?"
My God, Ella was jealous, and the thought brought me unexpected pleasure. Why did that make me happy? I pushed that unsettling thought aside, refusing to read too much into it.
"No," I answered firmly. "But we have in the past," I clarified, wanting to be completely honest with her. I'd never lied to her before, and I wasn't going to start now. "We were...together for several months last year."
She looked up to meet my gaze with a frown, but thankfully she seemed to believe me. "She...was...she was your...your girlfriend?"
"No," I replied uneasily. "My relationship with her was strictly physical, and wasn't...exactly conventional. She was..." I looked at the ceiling and sighed, trying to gather my thoughts. I didn't even know how to explain my relationship with Reese or any of my other subs over the years, let alone explain the BDSM lifestyle to her.
"Your...your submissive?" she asked tentatively, her unexpected knowledge stunning me into silence. "That would make you...make you a...um...a Dominant, right?"
I nodded dumbly as I gaped at her for several moments before a horrifying thought struck me. Was Ray a Dom too? Is that how she knew? Did he use the BDSM lifestyle to abuse Ella? The thought sickened me that anyone could use the bond of trust between a Dom and a sub that way. It was...wrong.
"Was...was Ray...was he...?" I asked in dismay.
"A Dominant?" Her eyes widened incredulously. "Oh God no," she blurted out immediately with a disturbed expression.
I was struck with relief, but still confused. "Then...then how do you...?" I finally managed to stutter out. "How do you...how do you know about BDSM or even know what a...a Dominant and a submissive are?"
She blushed and glanced at the floor again. "I...I...um...I've...uh...read erotic fiction about...um...that kind of thing," she muttered out uncomfortably.
"You what?" I asked as my brows flew up in surprise.
"I read BDSM romance novels," she continued quietly, looking incredibly and distinctly embarrassed now. "And...and seeing it in real life is absolutely nothing like reading about it." She blushed even redder than before.
"No shit," I said wryly as I snorted out a laugh. I couldn't help myself. Of all the outcomes of this conversation that I imagined, this wasn't one I expected. My laugh earned me a sudden and narrowed-eyed glare. Her steel blue eyes flashed in anger.
"Why was she kneeling in front of you if you're not...together?" she asked accusingly. "Why were you touching her like that?"
"She was respectfully asking to be my sub, and I was turning her down gently," I replied. "I knew things had just ended badly with her old Dom, and she wasn't ready to play with anyone else yet."
"Oh," she seemed slightly mollified, but then her brow furrowed worriedly. "Do you...um...do you already have a...a...sub then?" she asked hesitantly.
"No, I recently ended the contract with my previous sub," I answered. I didn't tell her it was mere hours before I had sex with her last week. She didn't need to know that.
"Contract?" she asked with a perplexed expression.
"Yes, a contract that spelled out the agreed-upon terms and conditions of our relationship." I cocked my head curiously at her. "None of your books ever mentioned those?"
"Well, yeah, but..." -she shook her head in disbelief- "but I didn't think people did that in real life."
"It's an important part of this lifestyle," I explained. "It sets pre-negotiated boundaries and limits on the relationship."
"It seems awfully complicated," she said with a frown. "Why go to so much trouble?"
"It's for the safety of those involved, like what the safeword is and what each party is and is not willing to do during a scene."
"People really use safewords too?" she asked with wide eyes.
"They do," I answered her. "Without any safety measures, people could get hurt. Surely you can see that from what you saw in the public dungeon."
She nodded and looked like she was about to say something, but instead pressed her lips together with a pained and hesitant expression. Her eyes darted away from mine.
"What?" I asked gently. I stepped toward her, and she didn't shy away this time. Good. I reached out to rest my hands on her shoulders, and she didn't flinch or react in disgust like I feared. Better still. She met my eyes again.
"Do...do you...um...do things in that room in front of all those people?" she asked, her eyes worried and unsure.
"No, Ella," I told her, and relief washed over her face. "Although I enjoy watching in the public dungeon, I don't like an audience. I have my own private room here for that."
And then something completely unexpected happened, something I would have never expected or ever seen coming, not in a million years. In the wake of her relieved expression came curiosity and a sudden gleam of heated interest in her eyes.
"Can I...can I see your...your private room?" she asked tentatively, her voice laced with a low sexy timbre that made my dick twitch.
This had to be too good to be true. Showing her my dark kinky world could be too much and scare her away. But what if it didn't? What if I could have everything with Ella that I'd been dreaming about? What if I could combine my need for Ella and my need for control. What would that be like?
Scott's earlier warning chose that moment to pop unbidden into my head. You're playing with fire, Calder, and you can't afford to get burned. What if I wanted to play with this fire? What if I wanted to get burned? Maybe this was how I took the reins of the fire that raged between us and made it into something I controlled, I tamed. What if this was how I made us work again? I'd be a fool not to try, right?
"Yes," I answered, and hoped the fire didn't consume me.