Chapter Twenty-Three: It’s Like Finding Out McGonagall Wears Negligees to Bed
Coming out of the gym shower, I’m a little amused to see Cole and Bentley trying their best not to have a standoff. It’s actually cute how hard they’re trying, but the awkwardness is coming off in waves from their direction. Pulling my hair up in a bun, I walk toward them and try to get Cole away from my poor new friend before his newfound patience disappears.
“Hey, I’m all done. Should we go get some lunch?”
Cole looks relieved as the tension drains from his face. He grabs my hand and glowers at Bentley, who’s shuffling his feet.
“See you tomorrow?” I smile at him, but his face just reddens in response.
“I can’t…I mean I won’t be here tomorrow.” He scratches the back of his neck.
“Oh.” I’m disappointed. He isn’t just my trainer but has become a good friend in a place where I’ve struggled to find them. We don’t get a lot of time to hang out, especially considering he’s a senior and in all kinds of pain this semester.
“You’re working in the evening, then?”
“No, I took the day off, I kinda have a date.”
My eyes widen; this wasn’t what I was expecting to hear.
“Really? You met someone?”
Next to me I can practically hear Cole rolling his eyes as he tugs at my hand. “That’s how it works, Tessie. You meet someone, and if you don’t hate their guts in the first fifteen minutes of getting to know them, then you invite them for dinner and a movie, and if you still don’t feel like choking them, you go on another one.”
He directs his question to Bentley. “This isn’t your first date, is it? You look way too happy for it to be with someone you just met.”
“No, her name’s Amanda…I met her a couple of weeks ago, she, uh, she works at the campus bookstore and I’ve had a few classes with her before as well…”
His face lights up a little, and I realize that I’m truly happy for him, regardless of Cole’s teasing.
“That’s awesome, then! I hope you have a great time with her! Let me know if you’d be interested in going on a double date sometime soon.”
It’s almost comical how both boys have an eerily similar look of horror on their faces right now.
Okay, then, no to double dates.
***
“Double date with Bentley? Did you have this idea the same time as you decided to try out for the dance team mid-semester?”
Cami scowls at me as we stand outside the dorm room of the captain of said team in an attempt to talk her into letting me audition. Most girls on the team have applied for dance scholarships; others tried out in the beginning when the student-run clubs put up flyers. I, at the time, felt so overwhelmed and out of place that I decided not to become part of any of them. Hence, when I’m not studying, I’ve had a lot of spare time on my hands, and I realize that that’s part of the reason why my thoughts have become so self-destructive, why I’ve been questioning pretty much everything in my life. So, to put an end to that, I’ve decided on a new beginning, one where the focal point of my existence isn’t whether the vicious vultures will take Cole away from me or not.
“What’s wrong with a double date? Cole’s my boyfriend, Bentley’s my friend, and if I want to hang out with both of them, then I should be able to.”
“Am I the only one who notices Cole’s urge to decapitate any guy who’s even slightly interested in you?” I open my mouth to protest but she slaps her hand over it. “And don’t even tell me that Bentley’s not into you because he is.”
“He’s dating someone,” I mumble petulantly. Cami withdraws her hands and sighs. “So was Kristen Stewart, didn’t stop her, now did it?”
I blink a couple of times, trying to make a connection, but before I can point out that I’m not nearly as cool as the example she’s just given, the door to Lindsey Owens’s dorm room swings open, and Cami and I have to jump back to avoid colliding with her.
She’s a bit stunned to see us both. “Can I help you?”
“You can definitely help her by telling her that she’s absolutely crazy for thinking she can join your team now.” Cami scowls at her, clearly intimidating the older girl.
“Well,” she stammers because obviously no one’s ready for Cami this early in the morning. She turns to me and scrutinizes my body, obviously checking if I have the body for those sports bras and tiny shorts they like to wear.
“We do have an opening; one of the girls has a fractured ankle, so our routine is messed up. We weren’t going to hold auditions, though, we have backups.” She scrunches her nose and I see a glimmer of hope, something that might help this crazy plan of mine work.
“You don’t think they’re good, do you?”
“They’re out of control, freshmen girls who think they don’t look and dance like shit after an entire night out.” She narrows her eyes at me. “You don’t drink, do you?”
“I do occasionally, when I need some emergency courage and bravado.” I think about our car ride back to campus and my cheeks heat up.
“Oh, what the heck, give me your number and I’ll text you whenever we plan on holding auditions. Do you have any prior experience; have you competed before?”
“No, I just…I think I can do it, I’m a quick learner and I have no social life, so you won’t have to worry about me throwing up during practice.”
The corner of her mouth lifts up in a small smile. “We’ll see.”
Lindsey retreats back into her room and a wide grin breaks on my face; I squeal and hug Cami, who stands still.
“I cannot believe you’re doing this!”
Stepping back, I don’t let her less-than-enthusiastic attitude get me down. “I need to do this, okay? For me and for my peace of mind. If I don’t, then all I’ll ever do is sit in my dorm room and think about everything that’s wrong with me. This is what I need, to know that…”
“You’re just like every other girl who wants to be popular?”
Her comment hurts, but I do get where she’s coming from. She thinks I’ll change, that I’ll become someone unrecognizable, because so far, she’s only met Tessa the social hermit O’Connell, but what she doesn’t know is that sometimes I’m not a recluse by choice but because I’m held back by my fears. Currently those fears are taking a toll on me and my relationship, and something needs to give.
“It’s not about being popular; it’s about being more comfortable in my own skin.”
She blinks a couple of times and then rolls her eyes, slinging an arm around my shoulder. “I don’t get you, but I support you because that’s how good of a person I am. Now, on to the student newspaper office?”
I grin. “Yes, please, I know they’re looking for an investigative reporter.”
“Jesus, why don’t you go for the nice, happy, fluffy things? The beauty section is desperately in need of a revamp.”
“There’s a beauty section?”
“See? That’s my point! Hmm, maybe I’ll go apply, too, God knows someone needs to tell the people that having your roots show isn’t the cool thing to do anymore.”
I snort as we head down to the offices where the editor in chief seats. Mentally I tick yet another thing off of my to-do list.
***
“You’re going away?” I squeak as Cole begins throwing random clothes in his duffel bag. I sit at the edge of his bed, my textbook open in front of me currently being ignored. He’s just sprung the news on me and it’s extremely distracting.
He stops throwing the clothes in and leans in to kiss my forehead. “Just for over a week or so, baby, Coach wants us to attend some pro games and study their tapes. He’s managed to book us into some training program, and apparently it’s a big deal.”
“Oh.” Strangely enough, I try to remember the last time Cole and I were separated for more than a few days and nothing comes to mind.
“And you’re leaving tomorrow?”
“Bright and early to Florida.”
“Oh, it’ll be a short flight then,” I muse and begin playing with the end of my sweater.
“Hey,” he tips my chin up, “If you’re not okay with it, then…”
“No!” My eyes widen. “You’re going; of course you’re going. I guess I’m just not used to being here without you.”
“I don’t ever want you to get used to that.” His eyes are intense, burning into mine as he sits down next to me and pulls me into his lap. The textbook is shut and pushed aside, of course. I wrap my arms around Cole’s neck and nuzzle into his chest.
“I don’t want to suffocate you,” I tell him, somehow just starting to realize my worst fears. “I don’t want to be that girlfriend that wants you to only spend time with her.”
“Hey, where’s this coming from? Why’d you ever think that I would want to spend any less time with you? Tessie, I’m here with you because that’s all I want to do. In fact, it scares me sometimes that maybe you’ll get sick of me.”
He laughs, but it’s forced. I have no idea how we ended up having this moment, but it’s refreshing to know that he’s got the same insecurities as I do. He might be completely wrong but hey, at least he gets it.
“Never,” I whisper, “I’m going to miss you so much, but maybe this will be good for us.”
“Trying to get rid of me already? I’m hurt.” He jokes, but this time I know he’s not taking anything to heart.
“More like I’m giving you room to not worry about your crazy girlfriend. It’ll be a nice change.”
“I kinda like my crazy girlfriend; I think I’ll keep her,” he says, tightening his arms around me. But then his eyes meet mine and his expression is serious.
“I’m happy that you’re finally putting yourself out there. You deserve it, Tessie, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”
My eyes sting a little, there’s a sudden crackle of tension in the air, and something shifts, something I can’t put my finger on, and I’m not sure whether I like it.
“I love you.” I kiss him swiftly, trying to find that reassurance that nothing has changed,
“I love you, too.”
I pull back and study his face. “Are you still thinking about what Nicole said?”
His expression is unreadable. I don’t know what has happened in the time between our conversation in the car to now but it’s rattled him; something has, and he’s not telling me.
“No,” he says quickly and tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “But there are other things on my mind.”
“And you don’t want to tell me?”
This version of Cole is slightly scary because ever since the day we got together, he’s been nothing but honest with me. Good or bad, he’ll tell me, and right now I know it’s killing him to have to hide something from me.
“I don’t want you to worry, okay? I can handle it.”
He doesn’t let me bring up the topic again as he kisses me into oblivion.
***
I’m doodling when I’m supposed to be working on my ten-page essay for class, and Sarah notices that my thoughts are elsewhere. I’d holed myself up in the library while she Skyped with Grant, but when I came back to our room, I hadn’t managed to even come up with an introduction. Cole’s left this morning and after spending all of yesterday with him, I still can’t figure out what’s going on with him.
“How did things go at the paper?” she asks. I know she’s trying to start a conversation that’ll eventually get me to spill what it is that I’m obsessing over. What could I possibly tell her when I don’t know much myself?
I shrug. “They’re not looking for reporters, no spots left. But I sent one of the editors a piece I’d been working on and she really liked it, so I’m optimistic.”
She smiles warmly. “I’m so glad you’re pushing yourself to do these things.”
She’s involved in a bunch of societies for environmental protection, which explains her enthusiasm.
“So, what’s wrong?” She frowns. “Why do you look so sad?”
I shake my head. “Nothing, it’s just an off day. I can’t seem to start this essay.”
“Oh.” She perks up. “Do you need some help? I could research something for you.”
You know you’ve got the best roommate when they offer to help you despite being buried under a mountain of homework themselves.
“Thanks, I love you for offering, but I think I need to sleep on this. Maybe I’ll have better luck tomorrow.”
She gives me a knowing look. “It gets easier. you know. You’ll miss him a lot in the beginning, but trust me, a little distance is always good.”
She winks at me and my mouth nearly drops open. Wait, what? Sweet little Sarah surely isn’t telling me about the merits of reunion sex?
Or is she?
Her face flushes a little after she’s said this, and before I know it, I’m laughing like crazy, because who would’ve thought that my roommate had a kinky side to her?
It’s like finding out McGonagall wears negligees to bed.
And then I’m laughing even harder at that particular image; from the other side, Sarah hits me with a cushion.
Once we’re done acting like immature preteens, Sarah goes to sleep for the night as she has an eight a.m. class the next day. I keep checking my phone for any news from Cole because I don’t want to be the one to reach out first. I remember promising myself to give Cole a few days to relax and just be his age with his friends. By being my boyfriend, he’s automatically had to go into protector mode; I know he feels responsible for me, but that’s not how it’s supposed to be, right? I need a boyfriend, not a chaperone, and he needs someone he’s not constantly looking out for.
But there’s no contact from his side even though I know he landed quite some time ago. Maybe he’s tired, I try to reason with myself. He probably needs to catch up on some sleep, or maybe he has commitments with his team, yeah, probably that. I pack up my books and try to get some sleep.
***
I’m up early the next morning and taking out all my frustration on the treadmill; I run and run till my heart’s beating so fast, I can feel it in my mouth.
“Steady there or you’ll wear yourself out too fast,” Bentley chastises me but I ignore him. There’s still no word from Cole, but I’ve seen the rest of his teammates post updates, and it’s infuriating. Doesn’t he know I’m worried? Whatever it is that’s going through his head, the least he could do is tell me he’s still alive.
“Okay, that’s it.” The treadmill comes to a gradual halt so that I’m not on my butt on the floor. “You’re out of my gym until you come back without whatever the hell’s going on in your head.”
He literally pushes me off and shoves my jacket at me. I glare at him. “This isn’t your gym, and I can’t believe you did that.”
“As your trainer, I don’t want you to risk injuring yourself, and as your friend, I’m worried about you. Go take a walk, get some fresh air, listen to your sappy music. Then come back here, and if you still want to try that stunt, go for it.”
My anger thaws a little, and suddenly I feel stupid for acting out like this. “I’m sorry, and yeah, let’s go for a rain check on this session.” My shoulders slump, and a pitying look flashes across Bentley’s face that I hate.
“You haven’t heard from Cole,” he states, not even asking, and my head drops in shame. Yup, I’ve totally become that girl who bases her entire existence on one guy.
“I’m sure he’s busy, but it’d be just nice to know that he’s okay. He didn’t really leave things in a good place.”
Bentley looks uncomfortable, and I’m sure giving relationship advice isn’t something on his daily to-do list, but I appreciate him trying.
“Well, I’m hanging out with Amanda later today, if you want to come with us…”
“No! Honestly, I’m fine. Don’t ruin your date for me, but I do want to meet her sometime when I’m not acting like a raging beast with PMS.”
To his credit, he laughs at this and doesn’t turn any redder.
“Go home, Tessa, get some rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I shower and dress back up in my jeans and warm sweatshirt. Picking up my phone from my gym bag, I finally, finally see a text from Cole.
Cole: Sorry I haven’t been able to call you, Shortcake. Coach is kicking our asses, but I’ll call when I can, miss you.
I’m filled with a euphoric kind of a relief, but that ominous feeling is still nagging at me. This isn’t like him, but maybe I’m reading too much into a text. Quickly replying, I make my way out of the gym and back to the dorms.
Outside my room I find Cami hovering and biting her nails; well, that’s never good news. She looks deep in thought as she paces, and when she hears me approaching, her face drops and she rushes toward me.
“Are you okay?” She grips the tops of my arms.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I’m confused and half scared. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh.” She looks a little lost and then curses under her breath. “You haven’t seen it?”
“Seen what? Cami, you’re scaring me.”
“Shit.” She curses again and pulls out her phone from her pocket. It doesn’t take her long to load whatever she’s trying to show me.
“So, this is an interview.” She bites her lip and hesitates before continuing. “Now, I don’t think this is a big deal or anything, but some of the girls were talking in class. I shut them up, but I thought you should hear it from me before it gets blown out of proportion.”
“I’m confused and freaking out, so you better tell me whatever the hell’s going on.”
I might be having a panic attack, who knows.
“It’s Cole, okay? ESPN did a feature on him, and they asked him some personal questions. Everyone’s making a big deal because…”
“Because what?”
“Because he said he isn’t dating anyone, that he’s not looking to be in a relationship and wants to focus on football,” she says in a rush.
Okay, breathe, Tessa, just breathe. There’s got to be an explanation, because there always is one. These things happen; people hide their personal lives from the press all the time. No big deal.
My chest rises and falls heavily, and I try not to have a full-blown panic attack now.
“And everyone’s seen it?” I whisper.
She cringes. “Pretty much.”
“And they’re all taking it to mean that Cole and I have broken up?”
“Well, one particular breed of nasty bitch was spreading around lies that he was just using you for sex, but I think a punch in the face shut her up.”
“You punched her?” I gasp.
Cami shrugs. “What can I say? It’s been an interesting morning.”
“Oh, okay, well, I think I need to sit down now.” My legs feel like Jell-O; gingerly I let myself in the room and am glad that Sarah’s in class. The poor girl has to tolerate more of my drama than I’d like her to witness.
“He didn’t mention it to you?”
“We haven’t talked since he left, so I had no idea.” My voice shakes as I sit down on my bed and wrap my arms around myself. “But he texted me this morning and didn’t say a word about the article.”
“A little warning would’ve been nice.”
“Yeah.”
We’re both quiet for a minute or two. “So what now?” Cami asks.
“I want to wait till he gets back before doing anything.”
“That’s wise, I guess.”
“I also have a dance audition this evening.” They didn’t give me a long time to prepare anything; I have to learn a routine and repeat it. It’ll be fine, I think.
“Are you sure you’re up for it?”
“Of course. Like I said, I’m not going to react unless I talk to him, so there’s no reason for me to screw up this opportunity.”
“And what about everyone else who’s chomping at the bit to make the most of the news?”
“I’ll deal with it if it comes.” Right now, I desperately need a routine, a methodical task, something menial to get over this sudden shock.
“Well then,” she says enthusiastically as she walks on over to where my iPod is plugged in the dock. “Since we’re here, why don’t you show me these moves you speak of? I need to make a cheer for you and need some inspiration.”
“Please don’t.”
“Oh, but I have to; I even got some pom-poms. Now, how does some S&M sound?”