Chapter Twenty: It’s Still Too Soon for Me to Be Thinking About Fat Suits
It’s the kind of dream where you know you’re dreaming, but that doesn’t make the nightmare any better. I’m at the club; I’m back in the bathroom. I’m restrained, helpless and weak. I’m crying out; someone’s hands are all over my body. I’m shaking, it’s so cold. I need to run but I’m scared, there’s a menacing face in the dark. I feel filthy, violated. He needs to stop touching me!
“Stop!” I cry out. I’m struggling in the dark. I reach for his face, gnaw at it. Arms go around me, pulling me back into a strong chest.
“Shh, wake up, Tessie. It’s okay. I’m here; I’ve got you.”
I know that voice; I know it’s him holding me now and not any of them. I don’t open my eyes, though; I know they’re stinging, and if he sees me crying…
“Tessie?”
I fall deeper into his chest. “I’m okay.” I sniff and I feel his arms tremble around me.
“You sure you don’t…”
“I’d just like to sleep, please; it was a dream, nothing else.”
I can feel his frustration but he doesn’t fight me on it and wraps his arms protectively around me.
***
“Would you like me to wear one of those fat suits wrestlers wear?”
Before Cole gets the opportunity to reply, I think over my words a little. “Wait, forget I said that. It’s still too soon for me to be thinking about fat suits.”
His features contort into a scowl. “Do we need to have another talk about self-esteem? Because if I have to tie you to a chair and tell you how much I like big butts and I cannot lie, then…”
“My butt is not big!” Still, I twist my body to look at it, grateful that all the exercise has reduced its size significantly. “It used to be, but not anymore.”
“And I like it in both sizes.” He shrugs before throwing his sweatshirt at me. “Wear it, I think Eric has some friends coming over.”
I glance down at my shirt and it’s perfectly fine. Yes, it’s a little tight, but Cami said that the red-colored jersey material made me glow. But that was only after I hit her with the bottle of fake tan she’d brought over. The day I decide to coat myself in orange goo is the day I become an honorary Kardashian.
I hold the soft fabric in my hand, tempted to bring it up to my nose and sniff Cole’s delicious scent, but instead I glare at him.
“Are you telling me what to wear?”
“Shortcake, if it were up to me, you’d be wearing as little clothing as possible, not more of it. I just…these guys can be real meatheads, and you’re wearing that…” He gestures to my shirt like it’s offended him. “And I won’t be responsible for my actions.”
“I know what you’re doing, mister, you’re trying to change the topic, aren’t you?”
He scratches the back of his neck. “What topic would that be?” He spins on his feet and heads back into his room. I follow quickly, determined to get to the root of his recent behavior.
“You’ve been acting like you’re my bodyguard, not my boyfriend. Care to explain?”
Shrugging, he begins tossing a bunch of clothes in a duffel bag. I know he’s trying to play cool, and that ever since he found out about his fangirls bullying me, especially the incident at the club, he’s been going out of his way to protect me. Add to that my recurring nightmares, and he’s willing to build a fort around me with skank-incinerating laser beams. He’s outright refused to work with Allison and her cronies and has a permanent threatening look to his face, so no one’s brought up the ad again. I shiver as I remember how violently angry he’d been when we returned from the club. After having dropped Cami off at the dorms, I stayed with him at the apartment just to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid.
And while he’s managed to keep his temper in check, he’s also been treating me like I’m made of glass. More than anything, his guilt has created this huge barrier between us where he’s hesitant to talk to me, and it’s killing me. That’s why I didn’t want to tell him about what’d been happening; of course he’s linking it to how Nicole bullied me because of Jay.
This is nothing like Nicole, and I’ve told him that repeatedly; if only he didn’t have PBS, Protective Boyfriend Syndrome.
“Cole, please talk to me.”
“Do you have everything you need? We’re going to be stuck in traffic if we don’t leave now.”
He pushes past me and rummages through his drawers that I know for a fact have nothing but the extra pair of socks I bought for him.
“You have to know it’s not your fault.”
He drops down to his knees, and I see his knuckles strain, he’s holding the edges of the open drawer so tightly.
“I’ll bring our bags to the car; you should make some coffee to go.”
I sigh, realizing that he’ll push just as hard as I do. I’m not willing to fight with him, not when we’re going home for Thanksgiving and getting the opportunity to be with our friends and families after quite a long while. Maybe he’ll be more open to discussion during the two-hour journey; I can be very persuasive when I want to.
***
“Would you please stop playing that?”
“Would you please talk to me?”
“I am talking to you!” he cries before changing the track; too bad for him I’ve made a special playlist for this trip and it’s one specifically designed to coerce him into not shutting me out anymore.
Taylor Swift’s voice croons in the background and I’m reminded of the good old days, back when my favorite thing to do was to annoy the crap out of him.
“Look,” he says gripping the steering wheel tightly, “my car, my music, and I’m begging you to stop playing that song. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Wait, did you mean this one?”
It’s one of her older ones, back when she was a country music sensation.
There are few things in life Cole hates more than country music. Me singing alongside said music would be one of them.
“Okay, okay, stop! I’ll talk; just make that thing stop.”
I grin and quickly pause the music. Curling up in my seat, I look at either side of us. Because a lot of people are heading home for the four-day weekend and because we didn’t leave in a timely manner, we’re, as Cole predicted, stuck in traffic. Since he’s not so fond of my taste in music, I may as well pass the time by making him fess up.
“You’re angry,” I tell him, “you’re angry at yourself, and you’re taking it out on us. You haven’t been the same since that night.”
“Oh, you mean the night when my girlfriend was nearly assaulted by a pair of assholes and who has been targeted and bullied because she’s dating me? Jesus, why would I be angry?”
His jaw ticks and his body screams pent-up frustration. I wonder what he’d do to the guys from the other night if they were to come in front of him now.
“You need to remember that I’ve failed you once, Tessie; what good am I if I can’t even protect you?”
There’s a solemn silence between us as we remember Hank. I know we’re both remembering different things; I picture being trapped in that bathroom and having a stranger’s unwanted hands touch me all over, and he’s remembering the aftermath.
“You went to jail for me,” I say softly, “you fought for me; there’s nothing else I’d ever ask or expect from you.”
He sighs. “You shouldn’t have to ask for anything; I should know and fix it…I’m fucking this up.”
Anger starts to boil inside me. “What do you take me for, Stone? I’m not some damsel in distress, not anymore. You’ve always told me that I’m stronger than I’d ever considered myself to be. Then why don’t you stop blaming yourself for not saving me from…I don’t know, life!”
His lips curl into a smile and then eventually he grins. “If only you knew it’s the other way around.”
“What is?” I’m confused; the mood swings in this car are giving me whiplash.
“Who gets saved and who does the saving, yeah, you’ve got it all wrong.”
I bite my lip and hide a smile of my own; this time I know he’s not attempting to change the subject or charm his way into avoiding talking about the real thing. The fact that he actually believes the absurd thing that I saved him is written all over his face, and it makes me warm all over. I reach across the seat and kiss him quickly.
“Don’t pull away from me; don’t let them win.”
***
Cole and I hold hands as we walk into his house. We dropped off my things at my house, which was empty since my dad’s not supposed to back in town till tonight. Travis and Beth don’t know that we ditched our Wednesday classes and are here a day earlier than planned, and I want to surprise them later. Megan and Alex don’t get here till tomorrow evening, so it only made sense for me to agree when Cole asked me to have an early dinner with Cassandra and Sheriff Stone. Usually we don’t spend a lot of time at his house, only because there’s still a weird tension that exists between him and Jay.
Thinking about Jay, my former naive crush and current somewhat friend, makes me want to smack myself a good couple of times. If I’d confronted my feelings for Cole earlier and realized that Jay was never someone who deserved the amount of time I’d spent pining over him, then the two stepbrothers wouldn’t have such a strain between them. I’m sure it doesn’t make things any easier for the family.
As soon as we walk through the door and Cole drops his duffel on the ground, we hear a voice from the kitchen.
“Cole, that you?”
“Yeah, Mom! Unless you were waiting for the lesser child to show up!” he yells back, and I playfully glare at him. The holidays would go so much better were everyone not to make fun of poor Jay.
“Ah, Cole Grayson, you’re livening up the place already.”
“Someone has to; I’d rather it be the good-looking Stone.”
Cassandra walks out from the kitchen looking a little flushed, an apron tied behind her back. Her face lights up when she sees the two of us, and I’m quickly engulfed in a hug. I hug her back tightly. “Hey, sweetheart, we’ve missed you around here.”
The smell of Chanel No. 5 wafts up my nose, and she gives me a good, long hug. Cassandra has pretty much become a stand-in mom for me, ever since mine left in search of greener pastures and a richer husband. I still talk to my mom, but she hasn’t really been a mother since before I started high school. Besides, this new mom is a neurosurgeon; how kick-ass is that?
“I’ve missed you, too; there’s only so much of him I can stand.” I shove Cole’s side with my elbow.
“My baby boy,” Cassandra coos as she plants a massive kiss on Cole’s cheek, which he begins rubbing vigorously. “You’ve grown so much.”
“Really? Are you really going to do this?”
“Are you really going to take away my one true chance to embarrass you in front of your girlfriend?”
“Yes, Mom, I am. We’ll be in my room if you need anything.”
“You won’t even stay to taste the new recipe I’m testing?”
“If you can handle cutting open someone’s head, I’m sure you can handle pastry.”
“But it’s a new filling,” she singsongs as she begins retreating to the kitchen. “Someone might have told me that a person here has a slight Nutella addiction.”
My mouth drops open, and in my enthusiasm for all things that include the chocolate-hazelnut goodness, I smack Cole’s arm a little too harshly.
“No way.”
Cassandra looks smug. “Now who’d you prefer to spend time with, the mother who offers you chocolate or the boyfriend who probably has a month’s worth of laundry to catch up on?”
Cole shoots his duffel bag a dirty look. “Damn it.”
“I suggest you better get started now before Jason shows up. I fear he’ll be even worse than you.” Cassandra shudders at the thought.
“She’s got a point.” I smile at him. “You may as well get started; I’ve got a pie to test out.”
He shakes his head. “Who knew that damn plastic jar would be such a cock-blocker; talk about false advertising.”
“Cole!” I gasp, feeling my face heat up as Cassandra just chuckles and goes back into the kitchen.
He gives me a mock military salute. “You know where to find me.”
“Laundry room?”
“I’ll be the one lying on the floor groaning in agony.”
“I’ll kiss it better, promise.” I creep in closer and sneak in a kiss with just the right amount of tongue before leaving him for greener, more chocolatey pastures.
***
After having dinner with the Stones minus Jay, Cole and I decide to go into town for a while just for the sake of it. We start putting up our Christmas lights pretty early, so I won’t be surprised if some people won’t even have waited for Thanksgiving.
It’s cold out, and I press myself closer into Cole’s side as we stroll past familiar shops and cafes; whatever the past may be, nothing feels better than being home for the holidays. I remind myself to go home and Skype with Sarah and Cami, both of whom are on campus for the break.
“Do you want to get a hot chocolate?” Cole nuzzles his face into my neck.
“Hmm, maybe.”
“We could go back to your place later and then…”
His fingers press into my sides; they trail lower, lower until…
“Watch some movies, eat popcorn, catch up on some homework.” He whispers all this so sexily that I almost, almost resist shoving him away from me, but in the end, I do. Laughing, I then fold myself back into his side; it’s too cold not to snuggle.
“That was mean.”
“And leaving me high and dry to hang out with my mother wasn’t?”
“Let’s call a truce, drink some hot chocolate, and then see where the night takes us. Shall we, Mr. Stone?”
“Such a dork.” He kisses the top of my head.
***
We make it to our favorite little cafe and Cole gets us our drinks. I rummage through my bag to find my lipstick and nearly jump out of my skin when someone slides into the seat across from mine.
When I look up and see the last person I’d ever expected to meet while I’m home, I don’t pretend to be anything but shocked.
“Close your mouth, Tessa; I think you’re drooling,” Nicole says in that half-bored way of hers that’s not meant to sound snarky or cruel but in the end always does.
“Nicole.” I’m a little dumbfounded. I haven’t seen her since before graduation, back when we had a talk, and I was finally able to put her behind me. The way she’d put it, I didn’t think she’d come back to this town once she got out.
But here she is, and I think she’s trying to be nice to me; maybe she really is bored. You can’t ever tell with Nicole.
“Tessa,” she cocks her head to the side, “you look good, a little on the paler side, but you look good.”
“Blame my Irish genetics, not me. So…” there’s an awkward pause, “Home for Thanksgiving, huh?”
“It was either that or slumming it with my roommate and her boyfriend. You know how those things get.”
“Actually, I have a great roommate, she’s….”
“So,” she cuts me off, “how are things with your soulmate?” She looks to where Cole must be standing in line placing our orders. Despite the fact that she’s made it clear that she’s no longer actively pursuing my boyfriend, I still bristle. Maybe it’s too soon after the attack of the obsessed sorority cyborgs.
“They’re great, how about you? Met someone?”
She’s still looking at Cole; I would much rather she didn’t.
“Not really, I haven’t come across someone who gets me, you know?”
“Have you considered working things out with Jay again?”
Never thought that sentence would be coming from my mouth but, oh well.
She gives me a long, withering stare. “That relationship was the most monotonous, soul-sucking thing I’ve ever been a part of. Why would I even consider that?”
“Oh.”
“So, how’s school?” She leans back in the booth. “I bet it’s hard keeping girls away from him.”
“Is it that obvious?”
“I had a hunch. But he’s always going to be that guy that every girl wants for herself. There’s no surprise there.”
“But what do you do if you have him and want to keep him?”
There’s a second in which she looks concerned, like she cares, but it disappears instantaneously. “I suggest you hold on tight and remind yourself that he’s with you for a reason.”
I look over my shoulder to see Cole staring in our direction. His eyebrows shoot up as he looks from Nicole to me, and I get that he’s silently asking me if I’m okay. I reassure him with a smile and go back to Nicole.
“I guess I’m just really surprised to see you here. You could’ve gone anywhere you wanted; I know you’re not into spending time with your parents. Why didn’t you stay with your sister?”
“We had a fight, I called her a bitch, and she slammed the door in my face.”
“Ouch, what happened?”
“Her boyfriend came onto me, and she thought I was throwing myself at him. Same old shit, I guess.”
If it wouldn’t make the situation a thousand times worse, I’d hug her just because she seems so sad and alone. But I don’t. Instead I sit in my seat and watch her thrum her fingers on the table; it’s a nervous habit I’m very familiar with.
“How…how are things at home?”
I meant to ask if her father’s still got anger management problems, if he’s tried to physically hurt her, but I bite my tongue.
“I just go there to sleep, haven’t seen much of either of my mom or dad. It’s kind of nice knowing that they don’t have control over me any longer.”
I nod.
Cole places steaming cups of hot chocolate in front of us, and it’s just proof of how good a person he really is that he puts one in front of Nicole as well.
“Hey,” he acknowledges her with a nod, and she smiles, just a little painfully.
I know how she feels; it’s exactly how she made me feel time and time again when she was with Jay. It’s difficult to understand why anybody would be happy making someone else that miserable; I haven’t even done anything, yet I feel guilty seeing the pain in her eyes.
“Well, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone. Nice seeing you, Tessa.” She gives me a pinched smile and begins to leave.
The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Why don’t you join my family for Thanksgiving?”
Cole’s head whips toward me at the same time as Nicole says, “What?”
What the heck am I doing? Whatever it is, I continue doing it.
“Come to my house; my dad’s hired some fancy caterers who’re making a crap ton of food. Trust me; it’s no big deal.”
“Uh, you don’t have to…”
“It’ll be great!” I’m smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. “Plenty of food and wine to go around for everyone. Right, Cole?”
He’s looking at me like anyone who’s genuinely concerned for my well-being would look, like he’s worried I may have brain damage.
“Yes, why not, we’ll just have to keep the sharp objects away from Beth,” he says in a low voice and then turns on the charm.
“But you’re most welcome to join us. I’m sure it won’t be that awkward; at least your ex won’t be at the table, just a little overprotective best friend who sometimes needs to be physically restrained.”
Nicole gulps. “I’m not scared of her.”
Well, she should be.
And then I remember something my dad mentioned the other day and laugh a little nervously. “Speaking of exes, my dad did invite Jay. Well, actually, he invited your whole family, so there’s that.”
I quickly reach for my mug and gulp down the scalding liquid, burning my tongue. Cole’s glaring in my direction, and Nicole stands there considering my invite.
“Look, if it saves me from listening to my parents tell me how I ruined their lives, then I’ll be there. Thanks for the invite.”
She gives us a strained smile and leaves while Cole and I sit there figuring out what just happened.
“Did you just do that?”
“I think I did.”
“Huh, this will be interesting.”
“I don’t think she’ll make it out alive but hey, at least I did the right thing.”
Cole places his hand on mine, patting it. “When Beth attacks her with the butter knife, remind yourself that.”