Chapter Fourteen: Do You Really Need the Extra-Large Can of Whipped Cream?
“What do you think? Sexy nurse or French maid?”
“Neither.”
“But you have to pick one; you can’t be without a costume on Halloween.”
“I’m not opposed to costumes, just ones with the word slutty in them.”
Cami sighs and plops down on my desk chair. “You make my job so difficult.”
I finish typing up an e-mail to my professor and face her. “I never gave you the job description of ‘help Tessa get rid of the crazy hoes who are superglued to her boyfriend.’ Besides, I don’t think I could pull off those looks, right, Sarah?”
My roommate, Sarah, is the total opposite of Cami in the way that she’s really shy around new people. It was a really awkward experience for the both of us to be sharing the same small space the first couple of weeks after moving into the dorm. But one night I heard her fighting with her boyfriend on the phone and tried to console her; we had a heart-to-heart abusing all men on the planet, and soon got along great. She’s a Texan, absolutely gorgeous with her big brown eyes and curly dark hair, but looking at her it’s easy to tell that she’s not aware of that. With me, she’s started coming out of her shell and opening up, but I’m starting to think Cami terrifies her.
She pokes her head up from the textbook in her lap and glances toward Cami, who’s watching her intently, and that can be pretty intimidating, but Sarah squares her shoulders and declares, “I think you should wear the costume Cole got you; it’ll definitely keep the hoes away.”
I nearly double over when I hear the word hoe coming from her prim-and-proper mouth; the girl wears a pearl necklace to class, for god’s sake! But I definitely appreciate the support and grin at her.
“I know, right? Why be a slutty anything when I have the greatest costume ever in my possession already?”
“Wait, what costume? Why have I not heard of this?”
In the three weeks that I’ve come to know her, it’s become apparent that Cami’s the kind of person who fits into your life so seamlessly that it feels like they’ve always been there. I have no objections to her suddenly being a big part of my life because it doesn’t seem like she’s imposing.
“Because I really like it, and I didn’t want you to take your scissors to it.”
“But…but can’t I at least see?”
“You will in a couple of minutes,” I tell her as my phone blinks with a text, and a huge smile comes across my face. “Just a slightly different version of it.”
She’s confused, and Sarah blushes because she actually knows what’s going on, and the presence of a certain male always makes her flustered.
Right on cue, someone knocks on the door and I rush to open it, flinging my textbooks aside. Outside I see Cole in all his sweaty glory and kiss him quickly on the lips before dragging him inside.
“Hello ladies.”
Both of them, no matter how different, turn into giggling preteens as my boyfriend directs his blinding smile toward them.
Cami sits up straighter, and Sarah tries to cover up the fact that there’s a huge Tweety bird on her bed, sent to her by her boyfriend a couple of days ago. I almost laugh at how nervous they are, given the fact that they see Cole all the time.
When all he gets is star-struck smiles and a partly manic wave, Cole turns to me and gathers me in his arms. “You all set?”
We’re going home this weekend because it’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve seen our families. It’s also the only week Megan and Alex can come down and visit, so it seems as good a time as any. Cole and I have also been struggling to find some time to spend together, and this feels like the perfect time. Even though being on campus has started growing on me and I’ve met people I get along with, there’s an excitement coursing through me at the prospect of being home and with my friends.
Yes, the same town that I couldn’t wait to run from is now home, strange times indeed.
Telling the girls goodbye, Cole and I walk to his car that’s parked outside my dorm. Now that Cami’s made me aware of it, I do see how much people stare at us when we’re together. Half of the time I’m trying to figure out whether they’re looking at Cole and having the obvious reaction to his enormous presence, or whether they’re looking at me and wondering why he’s with me. But I need to constantly remind myself to not think about other people and not allow them to affect my relationship; I’d made that mistake before, and it wasn’t happening again.
Cole is oblivious to my mental tug-of-war and is unaware of the number of eyes following us. I only breathe easier once we’re in the car, having loaded our things. When we finally pull away from campus, I relax and let Travis know we’re on our way.
***
“So, my parents were wondering if you’d have dinner with us tomorrow. Do you have any plans with your dad?”
Cole’s hand rests on my knees as he drives, and it’s exhilarating to know that he finds ways to touch me whenever he’s near. I lean back in my seat, put my book aside, and hum contently.
“No, well, not anything formal. I’ll have dinner with him tonight, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be with his girlfriend tomorrow.”
I don’t even cringe at the word girlfriend anymore. My father is honest-to-god trying to be a better man, and it’s good for him to be with someone other than the vicious person my mother has become. This someone may be over ten years younger than him and possibly be after his money, but hey, at least he’s back in the game.
“Great, I’ll tell them to keep their hands to themselves and not embarrass me.”
I smack his arm. “Your parents are cute and crazy in love! It gives me hope for the future, so don’t you dare say anything.”
He grins at me. “You’re hoping I’ll be like my dad, a romantic sap, in about twenty years’ time?”
I don’t let on how much happiness I get from the fact that he always talks about our future so assuredly. “You’re a romantic sap now; I doubt that’ll ever change.”
“What can I say? You bring out the best in me.”
“And you say your dad is mushy, jeez.”
But he’s so perfect, and I doubt he can’t see the big fat smile on my face. As always, my eyes go to the charm bracelet on my wrist, a birthday present from Cole. Among other things on there that symbolize our relationship, there’s also a ring charm, subtle enough not to make me freak out but still a constant reminder of where he sees us going, and I’m so on board.
“So, Jay’s going to be there as well,” Cole tells me quickly, and I smile thinking about his stepbrother, my friend and former crush. Jay and I don’t have the best history, and our friendship is tentative at best, but he was around during a tough time in my life, when I thought Cole had cheated on me. He was there as a constant support, and I do feel like I owe him for that, regardless of our past.
“That’s nice; I haven’t seen him for months.”
Cole grunts; things are still a bit tense between him and Jay. Not as bad as they were before, back when Cole thought I would forever be in love with his brother and that he would come second. It took a lot of time and persuading to show him that what I felt for Jay was never love and that what I feel for him is infinitely stronger. Of course, he doesn’t doubt my feelings now, at least I hope so, but he still thinks Jay wants me, which of course leads to things being really awkward in the Stone household.
“He texts you enough to not let that be a problem.”
Once, just once Cole caught a text from Jay, and he’s taken it to mean that we’re the best of buds. Yes, Jay does send the occasional text asking me how I’m doing, and I give the acceptable reply and that’s the end of it. But trying to convince Cole is about as useful as playing tennis with a brick wall.
“Do you really want to go there? Need I remind you of the number of girls that text you because they need your help with their ‘homework’?”
“Come on, they have my number on the class roster, how am I supposed to stop them?”
“Exactly! How can I just ask Jay to stop texting me? We’re…friends.”
“But he wants more.”
“He’s a baseball player in college, for Christ’s sake, it’s not like he’s going to be lacking female attention and pining for me.”
“You seriously underestimate yourself, don’t you? If I were in his place, and I thank my lucky stars that I’m not, I’d do everything in my power to make you mine.”
I blush; even after all this time, I blush. Placing my palms against my cheeks, I feel how heated they are and look over to Cole, who’s looking at me with an intensity in his eyes that makes my skin feel like it’s on fire.
“What?” I ask, feeling a little breathless.
“I just really love you, you know that, right?”
I place my hand over his on my knee and squeeze it.
“Yeah, I do, and I love you, too.”
***
When we get home, it’s around six in the evening, and Cole drops me off at my house, telling me he’ll be back in around fifteen minutes. I let myself into my empty home, but with a stocked fridge courtesy of the housekeeper. Now in my room, I’m sifting through my clothes and trying to find something good to change into when I’m attacked from both sides by what feels like twin poster children for a Chanel perfume, and the next thing I know, I’m lying on the floor, the air being squeezed out my lungs by two very overenthusiastic huggers.
“Guys! Can’t breathe here.” I choke as my best friends continue to shriek and laugh. The lack of oxygen stops mattering, and soon I crack up, too, as Megan and Beth roll onto either side of me.
“What was that?” I ask between laughs.
“An ambush.”
“Our strategy was to barge in with our eyes closed so that we wouldn’t catch you and your man with his hands all over you.”
“Hey! We do have some restraint, you know.” We are all laughing breathlessly at this point for no reason, and it’s the best feeling ever. I stretch my arms on either side so that I’m giving them both a one-armed hug, “God, I’ve missed you guys.”
Because Cole doesn’t show up immediately, I know he’s giving me space with my friends, which I appreciate a lot. Skyping is never the same as being in the presence of these two, and now that we’re back to those days when we’d just sit on my bed and talk for hours, it feels like we were never that far away from one another.
“I didn’t think it was possible to laugh that much.” Megan clutches her stomach as she falls onto her back on the bed. “Did that really happen?”
Beth snorts. “Yes, I almost beat the shit out of my boyfriend because he tried to spoon me. In my defense, I’d worked a twelve-hour shift and was completely knocked out when Mr. I-like-cuddling-unsuspecting-people tried to make a move on me.”
My eyes start to water at the image; of course, Travis hadn’t mentioned that Beth had given him a black eye.
“Well, at least you get to spend the night with your boyfriend. Alex and I hardly ever get to do that with our roommates around.”
I hadn’t quite realized how lucky I am that Cole found an apartment and didn’t live in the dorms because, given the struggle we have now to spend time together, it’d be a nightmare if that were the case.
“But you guys still find time to hang out, right?”
Alex plays for the state university’s football team, and if anyone knows and understands the pressures of dating a jock, it’s Megan. I’ve confided in her a lot because Beth tends to dismiss my insecurities as being stupid. I like to think that if she’d been with Travis in high school, she’d understand my situation much better.
“It’s really hard to find time between studying and work, but we make it work. Alex is…” she sighs dreamily, “he’s perfect for me. I never thought a guy would put up with how neurotic I can get about school, but he’s so understanding. I know how frustrated he feels when I cancel plans because I need to complete a paper, edit an essay, study for a test, whatever, but he never shows it, even if I miss a game. So, we’re okay; we’re going to be okay.”
We’re quiet for a bit, trying to process the seriousness of the moment and trying to process how far we’ve come. At this point last year, I was struggling to come to terms with my feelings for Cole, still held back by the opinions of other people and haunted by my abandonment issues. My friends suffered right alongside me, for something they never deserved to be punished for, but they stuck by me. We’re at such different places right now, but it feels like the only thing that’s changed is how we feel about ourselves.
“Wow, who would’ve thought we’d have relationships, much less relationship problems.” Beth echoes my thoughts. “Who knew I’d not only fall in love with someone but end up moving in with him, too; it’s crazy.”
“But crazy good, right? I’ve never seen you or my brother happier.” I hug me knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. The charms in my bracelet glitter under the lights, and I’m blinded once again by the sight of the ring.
“I am, you know, happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Sometimes it feels too good to be true; yeah, I had a rough year, and it’s still difficult to remember to breathe at times.” She stops, blinks rapidly, trying to get rid of her tears like she always tries to do. Beth’s mom passed away in a drunk driving accident over six months ago, and despite the fact that she doesn’t like talking about it, we know she still battles guilt over her death every single day since it happened. My brother’s been really good for her; he knows a lot about using communication as a means to fight those feelings of helplessness, and he’s definitely done a great job of making Beth be at peace with what happened.
She clears her throat and chucks a pillow at me. “Now that you’re done psychoanalyzing me, tell me about these Yolandas that seem to be sucking the joy right out of you.”
It feels a bit petty now to whine about something that doesn’t really require whining. I need to remind myself about how lucky Cole and I are to have each other and to have the opportunity to be together, so the Yolandas can keel over and die; I’m not bothered.
“Wait, who’s Yolanda?”
We turn our heads to see Cole and Travis standing at the door. Ignoring Cole’s question, I run over and hug my brother tightly. I’d missed him so badly, especially these last few days.
“So good to see you, Tess.” He hugs me back before we release each other. Looking at him just fills me with warmth and a sense of family and home.
“I just can’t get over you not living here.” It feels so weird, even though it shouldn’t. He’s twenty-two now, more than old enough to live with his girlfriend and not under his parents’ roof. And even though I’m not home most of the time, it feels so strange to come here and not have him in the room down the hall.
“I think we should both be glad that I’m not down the hall anymore.”
It doesn’t come as a surprise when Cole and I both hit him, and Beth throws yet another pillow.
***
The girls and I go out to the local grocery store to stock up on our favorite items for our sleepover. Five bags of junk food and a handful of DVDs later, we’re setting up in my bedroom when I hear Cole call for me. He’s been out with Travis and Alex, presumably doing guy stuff. I dare not suggest he include Jay in his plans.
“Hey, what’s up?”
“Cute PJ’s, Tessie.”
Yes, they’re the Scooby-Doo ones I still get horribly embarrassed by in front of Cole. There are some things your boyfriend doesn’t need to see you wearing; pajamas that make you look twelve would be one of them.
“I thought you were spending the night at Travis’s?” I walk down the stairs cautiously as he extends his hand toward me. When I reach him, he pulls me closer and tucks me under his chin. I have a feeling I’m not about to hear the greatest news.
“You know how we have a really important game next week?”
Uh-oh.
“Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.” I start to pull away but he only holds on tighter.
“You know I don’t want to leave, right? But the guys want to practice, watch tapes. They have these unofficial practices all the time and…”
“You have to go.” I try not sounding angry. It’s okay; I mean, it’s not like we won’t see each other again come Monday. But that’s the thing, we haven’t been able to see each other a lot, not with his crazy practice schedule and me trying to keep up with my classes. I wanted to have this weekend so that we could catch up, and I would be able to get rid of this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, but clearly that’s not going to happen.
“Do you have to go now?”
“Yeah, all day tomorrow as well.” He bites his lip and looks at me worriedly, afraid that I’ll freak out, but hey, talking to Megan has made me try to deal with this situation differently. Instead of being mad, I’ll be cool, calm, and collected.
Because that’s just who I am, right?
“Oh, okay, I’ll get Travis to give me ride then.”
“No! I wasn’t going to just leave you here. I’ll come back for you on Sunday; we can go together.”
I move away from him and lean against a wall, crossing my arms over my chest protectively.
“You’ll be tired, and it’s pointless for you to make the same trip four times. I’ll manage.”
“No,” he comes closer, cups my cheek in his hand, “You’re mad; please, don’t be mad. I can come take you, it’s—”
“Not a big deal, Cole.” I force a smile and place a hand against his chest, silently pushing him away. “Duty calls. You have to go, and I don’t want you to have to worry about me, so go. I’m not mad; I just think this is a good thing, right? I get to spend some more time with the girls.”
He backs away and has the nerve to look wounded.
“If that’s what you want, then yeah, just let me know if you need the ride.”
Still looking hurt, he walks away from me, toward the front door, and I feel like I should say something to try to salvage this disaster.
“Am I still having dinner with your parents tomorrow?” I call out in a moment of utter stupidity.
“Do whatever you want, Tessie.”
He slams the door when he leaves.
Jesus Christ, what am I even doing right now?
***
“That did not sound good.” Beth stands by my door with a hand placed on her hip, looking quite intimidating.
“Did you guys hear all of it?”
“Well, you weren’t exactly being subtle. What the hell was that about?”
“Nothing, it was stupid. He wanted to come pick me up on Sunday, and I didn’t because gas is expensive, you know?” I feel the hysteria building up inside me. “We’re good.”
“And are we just supposed to overlook the fact that you’re shaking like crazy, or that Cole slammed the door so loud, your next-door neighbor heard the noise?” Megan grabs my trembling palm to show me.
“I said it’s nothing. We fight at times; all couples do, right?”
“Yeah, they do, but Cole goes the extra mile to try to not let that happen, not after everything. So, what’s this about?”
Deep breaths, Tessa, just don’t have a panic attack and we’ll be fine.
“I…I…try so hard to keep up with the person he’s becoming, the person other people think he is. Most of the time, it feels like they’d do anything to get rid of me, and that’s not the part that has me terrified. I know he loves me, I know he’ll never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but everything’s changed so much. I’m worried that I’ll hurt him because I can’t handle it.”
They’re both quiet for a while as I process my own thoughts. I may have overreacted with Cole, but I have my reasons. Recently, it’s starting to happen more and more often that he has commitments that cause him to cancel our plans, and I know that he hates it, but I’m getting tired of being disappointed all the time.
It tends to take a toll on you.
The girls attempt to distract me for the remainder of the night, and I try not to let my dark mood affect what’s supposed to be a great time. I also do my damned best not to check my phone, but in the early hours of the morning, when my friends are asleep, I do check it and am once again flooded with disappointment when I see absolutely nothing.
On Saturday, I try not to mope around and instead go to the mall with Megan and Beth. Let’s just say my credit card sees some major action, because there’s no therapy like retail therapy. Of course, I would never be able to afford the things I buy on my own meager savings, but my parents’ guilt money is definitely put to good use.
Those shoes will definitely keep me company in the long, cold winter. And yes, times like these are when I unleash my inner hoarder.
“Why do you need…” Megan pauses to count the contents of my cart, “Fifteen jars of Nutella and eight pints of ice cream?”
“Isn’t it obvious, Meg, Tess here is about to embark on a pilgrimage. One where she finds her true self by getting diabetes and a permanent sugar high, possibly some tooth decay.”
Ignoring them, I scour the aisle for more supplies. I need sugar and I need it stat; I also need to buy a pie for Cassandra.
I will go to that dinner, and I will go proudly bearing pie. Yup, the blueberry one that is Jay’s favorite, I hope he Instagrams the shit out of it so that his meathead brother notices.
I’ve moved on from moping to anger at this point. How dare he bail on me repeatedly and expect me to be patient and understanding all the time? I’ve taken off my pretty dress and makeup enough times for it to hurt quite a lot, so he’ll just have to suck it up and deal with my reaction.
“Wait, do you really need the extra-large can of whipped cream?”
Yes, yes, I do.
Dinner goes reasonably well, and I try my hardest not to get myself banned from future dinner invitations. It’s always nice to see Cassandra, who’d been like a mother to me when mine bailed. Sheriff Stone is an intimidating man, something his job requires, but it’s quite easy to guess where Cole gets his charm from. Once you win the man’s approval, the sheriff is just about as hard not to like as his son is.
Speaking of his son, Cole’s rarely mentioned after an awkward slip from Jay, who, as per usual, is clueless as to my feelings. It’s embarrassing to know that the Stones know about our fight, but they never bring it up, and Cassandra even gives me a casserole to take home, so I take it as a good sign.
Jay offers to walk me home.
He still looks the same, and it’s extraordinary how those looks do nothing for me now. His hair’s too blond, his eyes are the completely wrong shade of blue, and his smile lacks that deviousness that makes my insides do backflips.
God, I miss Cole.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He shoves his hands deep inside his pockets and walks leisurely besides me, when all I want to do is race to my bedroom and hide inside my blankets.
Cringing, I give him a weak smile. “Not really.”
“Well, you know where to find me if you need to talk. Also, if you need someone to drive you to school…”
I pause, because seriously, how is it that he still says these things?
“You and I both know how well that’s going to go down.”
He sighs. “Yeah, I do. But why does it always have to be about what he wants? Why can’t we be better friends without worrying about hurting his feelings?”
“Hey! Stop making it sound like he’s the bad guy. You and I are never going to be best friends because of how I feel, not because of Cole. I appreciate that you’ve been there for me during some pretty tough times, but it’s not going to make all those years of you taking advantage of my feelings go away.”
“Tessa…I’m sorry; I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Just don’t say things like that about him and we’ll be fine.”
Having completely ruined the prospect of walking me home, Jay stands there awkwardly as I leave. Jerkhole, he’s always had the worst timing.
I’m supposed to be meeting up with Travis so that he can look for a birthday present for Beth, but I have an hour to fume, and I plan to use it well.
I grab my phone and dial, lesson for everyone out there, angry dialing is way worse than drunk dialing. You may actually end up saying something nice when you’re drunk, but there’s nothing nice about what’s going to happen.
“Tessie, are you okay?”
“No, you asshole, I’m not! I just had dinner with your parents, Jay’s being a jerk, and I’ve gone absolutely mental—this is all your fault.”
Yes, I’ve officially lost it. On the other end, he’s eerily quiet.
“What did he say to you?”
I groan; of course, it’s the only part that he picks out.
“I don’t care about what he said, what I care about is that I have no idea how you feel, and you’re shutting me out, Cole.”
“It’s not me who decided to put a wall between us. You don’t want to talk about what you’re feeling, and I don’t know what to do.” He’s breathing heavily, and I want to wrap my arms around him, tell him that we’ll be fine.
Someone calls his name on the other end and I freeze.
Because it’s a girl.
“Who was that?” I don’t want to jump to conclusions; he’d never do that to me…again. But trust works in funny ways.
“Just a teammate’s girlfriend, they’re setting up for the game. Wait…who did you think it was? Tessie…”
It’s my quick intake of breath that tells him exactly what I’d been thinking.
“I think I should hang up now.”
“Yeah, maybe you should.” Cole’s voice is emotionless and somehow manages to drain all of mine, too. I just feel tired now.
“I guess I’ll see you on Monday.”
“Yeah.”
He doesn’t even let me hang up first.