Chapter Six: Stop Being So Sweet and Shirtless
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Cole move faster than when he’s tugging at my arm and walking us both out of the club. Palpable excitement bubbles though my chest, and any effect that the alcohol may have had on me is quickly disappearing. Cole Stone is definitely more intoxicating. He keeps shooting glances back at me, like he thinks I’m going to vanish at any given second, but I smile at him reassuringly, basically telling him that this girl isn’t going anywhere. It’s funny how my feelings for him are always all over the place. I can go from hating him immensely to loving him with just as much extremity in a matter of seconds. That’s definitely not going to be the tagline of a functional relationship, but, hey, to each his own.
Outside it’s a warm summer night, and there are still lines of people waiting to get inside the club. A few, okay a lot of them whistle and yell not-so-polite things at me as we pass them by. Cole glares at the source of each and every, er, comment, and they pipe down pretty quickly. Scowling, he spins and asks me, “Couldn’t you wear a coat or something?”
I should be offended at such a caveman mentality, and a small part of me is. It’s not my fault that men are such constant horn dogs, and I shouldn’t have to cover up in order to save myself from their perverse looks, but that’s a battle I’ll fight another day. Right now, I can’t help but laugh at how adorable he looks.
“You want me to wear a coat, in this temperature? Seriously?”
“It’s either that or I’m going to have to go knock that guy’s teeth out,” he yells at someone who had apparently been checking out my backside. All of a sudden, I start laughing and laughing hysterically. It’s all so ridiculous, men leering over me. If they’d seen me a couple of years ago, I’m pretty sure they would have reacted differently. The fact that guys would find me sexually attractive is baffling on its own, and having a boyfriend like Cole threaten them away is even more mind-numbing.
“What’s so funny?” Cole pouts as he pulls me to his side, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. God, I love it when he’s all possessive. I try to stop laughing, but the side effects of alcohol linger, making the situation funnier than it actually is. Clutching my sides, I lean into Cole and stifle my laughter into his shirt.
“It’s just…” I gasp, still feeling a bit hysterical, “this time last year I was in bed in my Scooby pajamas, gorging on chocolate therapy, hoping Jay would notice me. It’s just funny how different everything is now.”
His entire body stiffens, and I’m pretty sure mentioning Jay was a big mistake. But he recovers quickly, squeezing me tightly and kissing the top of my head. “It’s a new summer, baby, we’ll make plenty of new memories, and none of them will involve my deadbeat brother.”
I melt into him, kissing the spot over his heart, and close my eyes while he hails a cab. Everything is already so much better. It’s miraculous how much of a difference it makes being with and without him. It’s not healthy, that kind of dependency on a person, and I’ve suffered the consequence of being so addicted to him. The wounds are still fresh, the memories still traumatic, and a wiser person would be cautious before plunging headfirst into a relationship, but that person’s not me. I’m tired of being cautious, of holding myself back when I know that the kind of happiness Cole brings me can’t be matched by anything else. The small voice at the back of my mind nags me, though, reminding me that the heartache Cole brings is unparalleled, too. I give that voice a proverbial middle finger.
When we finally manage to get a cab, Cole literally has to drag me inside, I feel that tired, but everything changes once we get in an enclosed space. As Cole tells the driver the address to the penthouse, the excitement and thrill from the club comes rushing back. The tension between us is palpable, especially when Cole captures my hand with his and then places them both on my thigh. He grins at me mischievously before using his thumb to trace circles on the bare skin that the bottom of my dress doesn’t quite reach. My breath hitches and I sneak a look at the cabbie. He seems oblivious to the fact that I’m losing my mind over some innocent caressing. But then as Cole’s fingers begin to move higher, I realize that it’s not so innocent and that he’s enjoying my squirming. I swat his hands away and try discreetly nodding toward the driver. He grins and leans in as if he’s going to kiss me, and my heart nearly barrels through my chest. He still hasn’t kissed me on the lips, and I don’t know how I feel about it happening in the back seat of a New York City taxi with a cab driver who has now started glancing warily in our direction from the front mirror. But just as I prepare myself to say screw it and kiss the life out of Cole, the man is question changes direction and places his lips next to my ear.
“We can’t have an audience for what I’m planning, Tessie.” He kisses the sensitive spot beneath my ear and then moves away, casually resting against his seat like he hasn’t just unhinged me to the core.
Jerk.
I narrow my eyes at him and then turn my head stubbornly in the opposite direction, watching the city pass by us in blurred images. I hear him chuckle, but he doesn’t attempt to touch me again and I’m glad. Being so on edge, if he made another move, I would self-destruct if he didn’t go through with it. And everything feels more, more vivid, more consuming. Maybe it’s the wait; maybe it’s the fact that it’s been so long since we’ve been together like this and known that it might lead to something bigger. There’s no ax hanging over our heads, no guilt or distrust on either side. A weight feels like it’s been lifted, and the freedom that comes with it makes this moment so much sweeter.
As we get dropped off and pay the cab driver, who looks relieved to get rid of us, Cole and I enter the lobby of the building and head for the elevator. There’s no rush this time, though, but our measured movement perhaps more symbolic of how we’re actually feeling. There are nerves, definitely, but there’s also this underlying expectation and perhaps acceptance that things need to or are about to change in the best way possible.
We are alone in the elevator leading up to our floor, and it’s understandable, seeing how it’s so late and the tenants are mostly wealthy early risers from the corporate sector. Cole and I stand on opposite sides and watch the numbers go up. The silence is thick with expectancy, and I have chills running up and down the length of my body.
“I was with Lan and the guys,” he says quietly, taking me by surprise. I wasn’t expecting an immediate explanation and had prepared myself to shove the questions onto the back burner for now. But it seems like Cole has other ideas. He leans his head against the side of the elevator, looking up at the ceiling and expelling a frustrated sigh.
“They want to help, come up with some master plan that’ll help me figure out what the hell happened that night. I know…I know that I was drunk enough to not realize what the hell I was doing or with whom, but that doesn’t make it okay. The look on your face when I told you about what I had done, God, it’ll haunt me for the rest of my life.”
I open my mouth to interrupt but he shakes his head, begging me to let him finish.
“I need to know everything about that night, Tessie. If I don’t, then I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not I was weak enough to do that to you. Because some part of me believes that I would never do that to you, that I would rather die than cause you so much pain.”
Blinking back tears, I ask him gently, “And did you? Did you get the answers you wanted?”
Because how could he get answers without talking to the only person that had them? The thought of him with Erica in any capacity made my stomach churn. If he’d gone to see her and not told me, then I did not know what I would do, and the prospect made me tremble.
He exhales heavily. “She’s been trying to talk to me for a while, I guess. The day I went to see her before the graduation party, she tried so hard to avoid talking about that night, and that’s what made me suspicious. But she left town the next day, and there’s been no words from her since. I guess we could put it behind us since I didn’t sleep with her,” he grimaces and his face scrunches up like he’s swallowed something bitter, “But I need…”
“Closure—we both need that,” I affirm.
A bell chimes, alerting us to the fact that we’ve arrived at our floor, and Cole walks us out with a hand at the small of my back. Unlocking the door, I lead us inside and head straight for the fridge, the clicking of my heels magnified by the silence. Grabbing a water bottle, I gulp down the entire thing, attempting both to draw out the conversation and soothe my parched throat. I need to be less buzzed in order to deal with what Cole is going to say.
He leans against the kitchen counter, his eyes never wavering from my face. “Lan’s been digging around for me.” He stops and lets out a laugh. “He was always convinced that Erica belonged in the nut house. He’s having one hell of a time making me feel like shit now.”
“You couldn’t have known that she was a psychotic bitch any more than the next person,” I say, and Cole grins. Only a few people manage to bring out my vindictive side, and his personal crazy lady is right on top of my shit list now, with Nicole definitely knocked down from that spot.
“Well, now I know, and we’ve been trying to find her. I should let it go; God knows I never want to see her again, but there are so many questions in my head, and I can’t look at you without feeling like a complete asshole that doesn’t deserve an ounce of your loyalty.”
“I get it, Cole; you don’t have to sneak around behind my back while you’re looking for whatever answers you need. It’s important to both of us, and I’ll try not to have a complete meltdown if you ever have to confront her again. You might have to persuade her to wear bulletproof clothing, though.”
His face breaks into a huge smile and so does mine. He seems relieved that I’m not ending us again just on the basis of the fact that he needs to know why we put ourselves through months of misery. Maybe I’ve been prone to overreaction; maybe it’s totally justified that I have. Whatever the deal is, we both need time to fully convince ourselves that the other isn’t going anywhere. The fear is still there, haunting us and making us fearful of the loss we’ve already had to face once, but then I guess that’s what love is. Love means to be brave despite knowing the kind of agony that comes with a broken heart.
And I think it’s about time to put on my big-girl panties.
“So, was this the conversation you were so worried about?” I tease, and watch as his eyes turn a shade darker than their usual mesmerizing ocean-blue. I gulp as he strides toward me, like a confident predator. He gently removes the water bottle from my hand and throws the empty bottle in the trash, making a perfect shot in the can without even looking.
I raise my eyebrows at him. “Impressive.”
He grins, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me to his chest. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”
And then he kisses me.
Like really kisses me, smack-dab on the lips.
I moan as he presses his lips to mine in a kiss that starts out slow, sweet, and poignant but quickly turns into frantic and wild, passionate and searing. The time apart makes this a bittersweet moment. Of course, there’s happiness in coming back to each other, but the desperation behind our kiss hints at the pain we’ve gone through. I tug at Cole’s hair as he bites and nips at my lips, running his tongue over them, soothing and salving the sting. I push my hands under his shirt, tugging at the hem. Cole gets the point, breaking away only to pull the shirt off and then going right back into kissing me.
My hands greedily explore his chest, fingers trailing over his shoulders, his incredible abs, and the taut skin of his waist. His muscles strain beneath my touch, and he groans into my mouth. In one fell swoop he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the room he’s staying in, kissing me wildly all the while. Abruptly, he drops me on the bed. We’re both out of breath and panting like crazy. But I don’t care; I need him to kiss me some more. And perhaps touch me, all over and right now.
He looks at me longingly, like he’s in pain, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
“Why did you stop?” I say breathlessly, and he groans a little.
“We’ve both been drinking, Tessie. What if you regret this in the morning? We should wait…maybe when you’re sober.” He gulps and looks away, shoving his hands in his hair.
I fall onto the pillows with a loud thud. “You’ve got to be kidding me. I thought you wanted to…at the club and in the taxi, you were all…this is so embarrassing,” I whine, covering my face with my arm. My heart rate is slowly going down, but now my face is as red as can be. What did I think? That we’d do the deed tonight? I’d so brazenly attacked him that I didn’t even consider that Cole would hesitate, that he would never take such an important step when we’d both obviously been drinking.
I didn’t mind, though, and that in itself should make me feel ashamed. Didn’t girls usually want to be completely sober during their first times? Though I have no idea why, alcohol would totally help with the pain.
Oh well.
I feel the bed shift as Cole lies down next to me, removing my arm from across my face. He’s still shirtless and not helping the situation in any way.
“Are you disappointed?” he asks as he kisses me softly.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s for the best; we did talk about baby steps, right?”
“You blew that when you wore this dress, babe.” He grins and I blush, ridiculous, considering how I’d just been mauling him a few minutes ago.
“So, we definitely suck at taking things slowly. It’s either nothing or full throttle, huh?”
“It’s never nothing with us and it never will be.”
“Stop being so sweet and shirtless; you’re making me horny.”
Shit, did I just say that? I clasp my hand over my mouth as Cole bursts out laughing and continue to do so for at least five minutes as I lie there in utter humiliation. Why, oh why, did I drink? It is totally ruining my game here. This time I push myself up from the bed and pretend to need to use the bathroom. I hide in there for a good ten minutes, running the faucet for longer than I need to take my makeup off. Cole knocks much later than I expected him to and comes right in without waiting for permission. He looks a bit apologetic and still shirtless.
“I shouldn’t have laughed; I’m sorry.”
Biting my lip, I hop onto the counter and study the tiled floor. I’m beyond embarrassed. It seems like the only thing on my mind is sleeping with him, while he couldn’t be less interested. In reality, I know that that’s not necessarily true. For a girl who has spent her entire life seemingly loving people more than they love her, his reaction brings out my insecurities, which are always itching to resurface. Those little, blood-sucking leeches.
“It’s okay,” I mumble, twiddling my thumbs.
It’s stupid and immature to be hurt by this, he’d only been joking, but like I said, my insecurities seem to like sucking the joy out of everything.
“How do I keep managing to screw things up with you?” he says hoarsely, coming to stand in front of me and tilting my chin up to look at him.
“This isn’t about you; I just need a minute, okay? I’ll be right out.” I smile at him, but he sees right through it. Pain darkens his features as he closes in on me. “I hurt your feelings, and that’s not okay.”
“Cole, please, it’s not a big deal. You were just trying to do the right thing, and here I am acting like some sex addict with a one-track mind. I made a fool out of myself out there; anyone would have laughed.”
I’m blushing furiously as I say this, humiliation washing all over me. But when I look at Cole, I don’t find pity or disgust at my behavior; he looks almost angry as he takes my mouth in a punishing kiss. Spreading my thighs, he moves into the space between them and moves me so that I sit at the very edge of the counter. The kiss is meant to affirm, to tell me how he feels, and it’s doing a pretty good job of that. We break apart after a while, lost in a lust-filled haze as Cole nuzzles his face into my neck.
“I love you so much, Tessie, and I want you like crazy. You drive me insane; whenever you’re around, I can’t think straight. Whatever control I have is hanging by a very thin thread right now. If I wasn’t so fucking terrified of somehow losing you again, I’d make love to you right now. But I won’t, not because I don’t want to but because I know the wait will be worth it. When I’ll be with you, it’ll both rip me apart and make me whole at the same time.”
If he feels how fast my heart is racing, he makes no mention of it. But damn, it’s a miracle that I’m still upright. Goose bumps form over my skin, and I shiver due to the power of his words. I’ve never been spoken to like that, not even by him. His words are so raw, so passionate, and so unbelievably romantic that I want to cry. In fact, I do tear up, but that’s just routine now.
“Cole?” I say after we just hold each other for a while.
“Yeah?” he asks, kissing my neck.
“You should take me to bed now and cuddle. I would really like to cuddle right now.”
“Anything you want, Tessie, anything.”
And so, he carries me out, settling me on the bed as if I were made of glass. He then proceeds to get pajamas for me, the Scooby ones I never threw out, and undresses me without ever looking away from my eyes. It’s the most erotic experience of my life. We fall asleep with my back pressed to his chest and his arm slung over me, our legs tangled together and his head buried in the crook of my neck. We vaguely hear our friends stumble in, in the early morning. But I don’t even pretend to worry about what they might think.
I’m in heaven.