Chapter 14

wide open

“I wanted to show you something.” Ronnie’s holding a picture frame against her stomach as she slowly approaches me. She insisted I come over with Grey, stating she didn’t want us to be alone tonight. I don’t know what she’s about to say, but she looks so incredibly nervous. Her body gently shakes as she comes over and sits down next to me on the couch, then hands me the photograph. “This is the last picture I ever took of her.” Her voice wavers and she pauses for a moment, collecting herself as she looks at Grey, who’s playing with his stuffed bear on her living room floor.

“Hey, please don’t feel like you’ve got to tell me anything, Ronnie.”

“No, I—I want to.” She stares at me, her eyes filled with unshed tears. “You’ve got to know that you’re not alone with this sort of pain, Trev. I’ve been dealing with it myself for so many years.”

I lean forward and kiss her again, wanting to provide her with the only comfort I know how to give. The kiss is chaste and as soon as I feel her body relax, I pull away. She’s quiet for a moment, as if she were looking for the right words to say. As she seems to contemplate this, I take a moment to look at the photo she handed me. The woman in the picture is beautiful, with short brown hair, hazel eyes, and a smile that’s just like Ronnie’s. This is her mother.

“She’s gorgeous, Ronnie.”

“Thanks,” she smiles, wiping away a tear before it has a chance to trail down her cheek. “This was the last picture she let us take of her. She’s wearing the wig I picked out for her. I chose my hair color so she and I could match,” she tells me with a shaky voice.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and wish I could absorb some of her pain. I fucking hate seeing her like this.

“She passed away when I was twelve. She’d been suffering for a long time and while my dad was sad—he said it was good because her passing meant she was no longer in pain. However, as a pre-teen I didn’t see it that way. I was angry for such a long time. I was constantly looking for someone to blame. I blamed the doctors, nurses, my family… until I realized there wasn’t a single person left to point the finger at. Things like that just happen. Life doesn’t care if it’s being unfair, Trev.”

“How did you deal with her death? How’d you get better again?”

She gives me a small smile, her eyes filled with empathy. “You never really ‘get better’ again. Not fully. I’ll always bear a scar—the weight of her death. I just learned to carry it. You go on because you have to. My mother wouldn’t have wanted me to wallow in my sorrow or self-pity. She would’ve wanted me to live, to be happy and accomplish all of my dreams. It took me a while to realize that, but once I did, I moved forward with my life and did everything I could to make her proud.” She looks at me for a moment and then looks back toward Grey. “It’s just like what you’re doing, Trevor. Grey’s your brother’s son, isn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“You’re doing the right thing. Your brother, Dean, would be so proud of you.”

I don’t know why, but her words rip me open. My calm demeanor crumbles and I bury my face in my hands, crying like I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. The release feels too good for me to be embarrassed in front of her. While I’ve shed quite a few fucking tears, I’ve never allowed myself to lose control like this. I cry for Dean; I cry for Cat; I cry for my parents; I cry for Grey. With whatever left over energy I have—I cry for myself. I cry because Ronnie is just as broken as I am. I feel her arms wrap around me and she gently brings my head to rest against her chest. She holds me for a moment, but as soon as I hear Grey’s cries, she kisses my head and leaves me to retrieve him. I manage to pull myself together by the time she returns to the couch with him in her arms. I wipe away my tears and turn to find him reaching for me, looking absolutely devastated.

“I’m sure all the emotion in this room is overwhelming him,” Ronnie says as she hands Grey over to me.

He stares up at my face as though he was trying to figure out if I was all right. I’ve never seen him look so shaken up and I know he’s never seen me look so fucking devastated. I hold him close and pat his back as I wait for him to settle down from his crying jag. Finally, they turn into faint whimpers; I pull him away from my chest, so I can kiss away a few of the tears from his wet cheeks. “I’m okay, buddy. Everything is going to be just fine. I promise you, Greyson.” He looks up at me with wide, curious eyes and as soon as he sees I’m not crying anymore—a small smile graces his pink face.

“I’m sorry I broke down like that,” I say, feeling foolish all of a sudden. I fucking hate that she saw me like that, but I love how close I feel to her right now. “I don’t know what the hell came over me.”

“It’s okay,” she says with a tender smile. “You haven’t had any time to grieve, have you? You’ve been thrust into the role of a parent before you really had the time to say goodbye and grieve your brother.”

One of the things I love about Ronnie is she fucking gets me. She sees the truth inside of me and understands it more than I do. I don’t have to tell her everything for her to know everything. It’s like we’ve known each other all of our lives.

“Thanks for telling me about your mom. I know that must’ve been hard for you.”

“It’s not as hard anymore. It’s personal to me, but you’re part of my life, Trev. I want you to know about my past.”

“I want to tell you everything, Ronnie. I’ve just got to wait until I’m ready. I just don’t want you to think…”
“Don’t want me to think what?”

“I don’t want you to think that I’m fucking weak.”

“I could never think that.”

“But you don’t know everything about me. Once you do, you might not look at me the same way.”

“No matter what you tell me—I know nothing would ever change the way I feel about you.”

How do you feel about me? I wanted to ask. God, I’d love to tell her that I think I love her. I only say “think” because I’m not sure I really know what romantic love is. Even after all the thought I’ve put into it, it’s still a mystery to me. I want her desperately and I can’t imagine her not in my life… Is that love?

“Nothing you could ever say would change my feelings for you, as well,” I tell her, although, I want to say more.

Grey emits a huge yawn and I smile down at his sleepy face. He’s as over this day as I am. While it’s barely past dinner-time, I want to lock myself in my bedroom, draw the blinds, and not come out until it’s daylight tomorrow. Ronnie seems to be on the same page.

“I think I’m going to head back to my place and call it a night.” I wish I could invite her over, but I’m sure she’d think it was inappropriate or far too soon.

“Can I stay with you? I just don’t want to be alone tonight.”

She’s not only on the same page as me, but apparently, she’s on the same fucking word, too. I won’t press her to do anything physical. After the emotional roller coaster of a day I’ve had, I’m not sure if I’m that horny anyway. Besides, she deserves to be wined and dined, and not a quick fuck after a night of watching me cry like a fucking kid. 

“Of course. As long as you don’t mind a crying baby throughout the night.”

“I wouldn’t mind, Trev.”

She goes to the bathroom to get ready for bed and comes out in the cutest set of pajamas I’ve ever fucking seen. She blushes as she finds me watching her and follows me out of her apartment and over to mine. She doesn’t look out of place here, in fact, seeing her in her pajamas in my apartment feels as though it were something which was perfectly normal. It warms my fucking heart to see her like this.

“I was going to read Grey a quick story before he goes to bed.”              

“Do you mind if I listen?” she inquires as she looks toward his nursery.

“Of course not,” I say, feeling embarrassed by the idea of her listening to me read a children’s book. “His favorite is Where the Wild Things Are. Usually by the time that one’s finished he’s sound asleep.”

 

 

True to my word, Grey falls asleep on my lap ten minutes later. Some nights he’s only able to stay awake through one book, but others he’s energetic enough to demand I read several to him. He’ll get fussy until I find another book from his bookshelf. I would complain, but I like the fact that he’s into books already. Hopefully, he grows up to be a smart kid because of it.

“See, right on cue.” I smile as I stand up and carry Grey to his crib.

“Do you want to order a pizza or something? I’m starving,” Ronnie asks as she reaches for her phone.

“That’s cool. I was too upset earlier to realize how hungry I am.”

She smiles at this and opens up an app on her phone. “Great story by the way,” she says conversationally as she orders the pizza. “I never knew someone could sound so sexy reading Maurice Sendak.”

I snort, thanking her. “Maybe I could read one of your books to you. I’m sure I’d sound sexy while reading about ‘throbbing cocks’ and ‘heaving bosoms.’ ”

Her eyes widen at this and she asks, “What books do you mean? I don’t have books like that.”

“Whatever you say my little liar. I checked out the books on your bookshelves the first night you had us over.”

“Well, I only read those every now and then.”

“For recreational purposes?” I ask, cocking my brow at her.

Now, it’s her turn to snort. “They happen to be great stories, thank you very much.”

“I’ve got no doubt about that.”

“I guess you can read them to me. You know, practice your oral skills.”

I nearly choke on my saliva at her comment.

“I ordered a pizza,” she says, smoothly changing the subject. “It’ll be here in about twenty minutes. Want to watch a movie or something while we wait?”

I’d rather do the “or something” but I’m sure my version of that and her version of that are two very different things. However, if her comments were any indication of how she feels about me, I’m sure she wouldn’t be too opposed to my version of “or something.”

We end up on my couch in front of the television, curled up as we watch the opening credits of The Shining. She shivers next to me, causing me to hold her closer so she can absorb some of my warmth.

“The song in the opening credits always freak me out,” she admits in a small voice.

“Are you okay to watch this movie? I thought you’d said you liked this one.”

“I do like it. I just find it eerie, Trev,” she says as she settles more comfortably against my side.

I can’t describe how nice this is. I can forget everything and get lost in a movie. Get lost in her. We watch the movie in a comfortable silence and when the pizza is delivered, I quickly offer to pay. She protests for a moment—claiming it was her idea in the first place—but obliges when I give her no choice and hand the delivery guy a few bills, including a generous tip, before closing the door. We watch the movie as we eat. I steal a glance in her direction every now and then to see if she likes the movie as much as she claims. It turns out that she does. She must truly love this movie because she knows half the lines. Of course, she shudders at the bathroom scene—the one with the creepy old woman with saggy tits. As Danny escapes the hedges maze and finds his mother, she’s smiling.

“I love that movie even though it’s nothing like the book,” she comments as I take out the DVD and reach for another to replace it with.

“You a big Stephen King fan?” I ask, remembering a few of his books next to the plethora of romance novels on one of her bookshelves.

“Yes, I love all of his classics. I haven’t gotten the opportunity to read any of his new stuff though, since I’ve been so swamped at work.”

“I can’t remember the last time I read something that wasn’t a kid’s book,” I say honestly as I pop Basket Case into the DVD player.

“Well, you should get back into it! It’s so relaxing. You can get lost in another world,” she muses with a lovely smile.

I join her on the couch and wrap my arms around her, getting comfortable as if this was a position we’ve been in time and time again. I remember the first time cuddling with a girl like this was incredibly fucking awkward. Of course, I always wanted to do more back then than simply watch a movie. While I want to do that stuff with Ronnie—I’m not going to push her into anything she isn’t ready to do. She seems perfectly content with just laying here, cuddling with me. So, that’s what we’re going to do, despite the swelling in my pants as a result of her warm, luscious body nestled against mine. As we watch the movie, my problem intensifies, but I don’t want to fuck her on the couch like she’s some random chick. So, I try to think of anything that’ll douse the fire like a bucket of ice water to keep my cock under control. 

“You really want to stay the night?” I ask as soon as the movie’s over. I want nothing more, but I don’t want her to feel pressured into anything even though it was originally her idea.

She blushes and gives me a shy smile before nodding. “Is that all right? I wouldn’t want to impose.”

“Of course, it’s all right,” I grin, extending my hand for her to take.

I show her to my bedroom, which I know isn’t much. There’s a desk I barely use in the corner, the shitty old television from my childhood room on top of my dresser, and a king-sized bed I got from the guest bedroom from my parents’ basement. I never noticed how empty my room looked until Ronnie’s energy filled it. It barely looks lived in at all.

“Well, this is it,” I say with an abashed smile. “You can go ahead and get into bed if you want, I’ve just got to change into my pajama pants and brush my teeth. The sheets are clean,” I awkwardly state, wishing I’d known she was coming so I could’ve washed them yesterday to make sure they smelled fresh. “And feel free to turn on the TV. I know it’s old, but it still works.”

“I haven’t seen a CRT TV since I was a kid,” Ronnie says with a snort as she climbs up on my bed.

Fuck, it’s nice seeing her there. It’s where she belongs. I barely care about her insult because I’m too busy admiring her presence. Fuck my old television—I’ve only got eyes for one thing.

“It’s really cool, though,” she goes on to say as she slips beneath my covers.

I look away and head to the bathroom before I get any ideas. Seeing her look all nonchalant and cozy in my bed causes my imagination to run rampant. I know I’m being rude by walking away without answering, but I have to get ahold of myself. I quickly gather my stuff before locking the bathroom door and quickly take care of my “problem” that begs for relief. I change into my pajama bottoms and throw on a white T-shirt so she doesn’t think I’m trying to send her any sort of “suggestive messages.” Upon my return, I find her snuggled up under the covers watching cartoons. The illuminations from the television lights up her makeup free face—causing her to be so fucking captivating I can’t bring myself to move or look away. She tilts her head and gives me a smile which radiates from the inside out. I smile back, wondering how I got so fucking lucky.

“You coming to bed? I thought you were tired.” She pats the empty space beside her.

I stare at her for a moment longer before joining her in bed. It feels like we’ve done this thousands of times and is in no way awkward like I thought it’d be. I don’t know what to say, so instead of saying anything I just wrap my arms around her, pulling her close against my frame. A shiver shoots through her body before she settles against mine. The connection between us is stronger than it ever was before. Talking about our ghosts seems to have brought us closer together. We lay in bed silently—soaking up each other’s energy and enjoying each other’s presence. We lay like this for a long time—neither of us going to sleep but remaining quiet as the faint sound of the television fills the room. I could honestly stay like this forever, but Grey’s cries resonate from down the hall and I know I’ve got to go to him.

“Do you mind if I bring his crib in here?” I ask as I bolt out of bed. “I do it most nights so I don’t have to keep going back and forth between his room and mine.”

Ronnie gives me a sleepy smile and nods. She hops up to use the bathroom, as I leave to retrieve Grey. He’s fussy and from the smell in his nursery I know I’ve got to change him. I get him into a clean diaper before wheeling his crib into my room—placing it at the foot of my bed. Ronnie comes out of the bathroom and smiles at me.

“I used your tooth brush. I hope you don’t mind,” she says before standing next to the crib and looking down at Grey. She picks him up and kisses his forehead. She’s so sweet… so fucking perfect to him.

“He likes you a lot,” I comment as I watch her interact with my little guy.

“Well, that’s good because I love him, too.”

She coos at him as she plays with the fuzzy hair on his head. They’re so smitten with each other and I’m so fucking glad Grey has another person in this life to love him. I can’t give him everything—as much as I want to—but I can give him Ronnie. Well, I hope I can give him Ronnie. She’s not even my girlfriend and I’m already thinking of her as a motherly figure for him. That’s not why I want her, though. I want her because I fucking love her. I might be too chicken-shit to admit it out loud, but I’m certain it’s the way I feel. If this is love, I can see why some tend to shy away from it because it’s so fucking consuming. If this doesn’t work out, I’d be crushed and so fucking lost. In the brief time I’ve known Ronnie, she’s become a prominent part of my world. She and Grey give my life meaning. As I watch her holding Grey, I feel something I haven’t felt in a very long time: happiness.

I want to be strong for them because they mean the world to me. I don’t want thoughts of drugs and alcohol to plague me anymore; I don’t want my emotions to get the best of me; I don’t want my depression to weigh me down any longer. I feel like I’ve been depressed my entire fucking life and only in moments like these—when I’m experiencing true fucking happiness—do I realize how glum my normal days are. I need to talk to someone. I need to overcome my issues and deal with my brother’s death face on. I’ve never considered counseling, but maybe it’s what I need. I love talking to Ronnie, but I don’t want to weigh her down with all my problems. I feel like I need some professional help. I’ll research therapists tomorrow, but tonight I’ll just enjoy the company of the two people who mean more to me than my own life.

Grey falls asleep in her arms, freeing Ronnie up to join me in bed. “He’s such a good baby,” she comments as she gives him one last look before putting him back in the crib and joining me under the covers.

“He’s not always like that,” I comment, remembering the way he used to screech sometimes when my mother would hold him. “I think it’s just you.” Ronnie smiles at this. “Hey, how about tomorrow night I take you out? Just you and I? I could ask my parents if they’d watch Grey.” She smiles again, this time it lights up her entire face.

“I’d like that,” she says with a little yawn as she snuggled against my side.

As I wrap my arms around her, I realize she’s the first girl I’ve ever held like this. Resting my head against the top of her head, I inhale, enjoying the scent of what I believe must be her strawberry shampoo. I know it’s fucking creepy, but I just can’t help it. She feels good, she smells fucking delicious, and the closeness causes my cock to stir again. It’s taking all my self-control to not rub my hard-on against her. I close my eyes and try to focus on something undesirable, but feeling her soft body nuzzled against mine is too much of a turn-on.

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom, Ronnie. I’ll be right back.” I feel awkward as I walk away, trying my best to hide my erection as I head to the bathroom. I take care of it as quickly as I can. My mind conjures images of her. I try not to think about the fact that she’s nestled in my bed, just a few feet away in the other room. After I’m finished, I wash up feeling fucking stupid for acting like a kid who just hit puberty. I think the last time I jerked off like this was when I first found out how to do it! I walk out to my bedroom to find her fast asleep. Watching her for a moment, part of me wants to pull out my phone and snap a picture of her so I can remember this image forever. However, if I play my cards right, maybe I’ll be able to see this every night. I can’t fuck this up the way I fuck-up everything else. I won’t lose her. I promise her that and… I promise myself.

 

 

Never wanting to miss an opportunity to show-off Grey to her wealth of friends—Mother is more than happy to watch him for the evening. My days off usually free my mother’s days up since I don’t need her to watch Grey—but tonight she’s having a dinner party and wanted to present her grandson to everyone who hasn’t already met him. At least, that’s what my dad said when I spoke to him on the phone this morning. As soon as I told him about my date with Ronnie, he became just as excited as I fucking am. He gave me suggestions as to where I should take her and ideas of what we should do after dinner. I felt fucking embarrassed since he was speaking to me as if I were a teenager going on his very first date, but I appreciated the advice since I had no idea where the fuck to go.

I’ve got a good chunk of money to take Ronnie out on a “proper” date. Some of it is money I’ve put aside for “safe keeping,” while another chunk of it is money my dad insisted on transferring into my bank account for tonight. I feel a little humiliated about taking money from my dad, but I guess he believes I deserve it because I’ve taken “such good care” of his grandson. Or at least, that’s what he told me before transferring the cash. Maybe he’s just desperate for me to finally find a girl, or maybe he just wants me to be happy. Whatever the reason—I’m grateful for him.

As soon as I drop off Grey at my parents’ house, I come back to my apartment to spend some time getting ready. I feel like a fucking girl as I fuss over what I’m going to wear, but I want to look nice for her tonight. I select a navy blue button-up—it’s one of the few shirts I own that doesn’t have any holes from cigarette burns—and a pair of jeans that I haven’t ruined by wearing to work. I should probably go shopping for a new wardrobe, but I don’t have any extra money for that right now. I’ve got an apartment to pay for and Grey to provide for. Any extra money I have gets spent on the baby; whether it’s buying him clothes, toys, books, or a movie I think he’ll like. It’s hard to justify spending any money on myself when I know his face will light up when I give him something new. I know I shouldn’t overindulge him too much, but he’s mine to indulge. Hell, he’s been through enough in his short life, so, I believe he’s entitled to be spoiled once and a while.  

I shave my five o’clock shadow and try my best to tame my unruly hair. I don’t want to look like a giant fuck-up, although, I know Ronnie doesn’t see me that way. At least I hope she doesn’t and this isn’t a fucking pity date to her. As much as I hate myself most of the time, I shouldn’t think so poorly of her. If she didn’t want to date me—she wouldn’t date me. Maybe I can talk about my self-contempt at one of my therapy sessions. I scheduled an appointment for early this week and I have no idea what the fuck to expect. I have a shit-ton of problems to discuss, so I don’t know how this therapist is going to “fix me.” Hell, I don’t even know what’s really wrong with me. I have no idea when my self-hatred began, or where it could’ve possibly stemmed from, but there’s this constant feeling of inferiority that’s always nagging at me. Like there’s this little annoying fucking voice in my head which constantly reminds me of all my shortcomings and every single set-back I’ve ever had. I’m sure it’s not healthy, but how can I ignore a voice that sounds so logical?

I decide to shake off the feelings which validate my self-doubt and focus all my energy on having a good night with my girl. Well, she isn’t my girl. At least, not yet. I know my baggage won’t be attractive to everyone, but, Ronnie seems to know what’s inside my heart as though it’s a matching puzzle piece of her own. Just thinking about her puts a smile on my face. It’s so nice to have that sort of connection with someone; I never thought it was possible for me before now.

I finish getting ready, rolling the sleeves of my dress shirt up to showcase my tattoos before I give myself one final once-over in the bathroom mirror. I can’t believe how fucking excited I look. Maybe I’m just not used to seeing myself this happy. Tonight, I’ve got a date with a beautiful woman and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I’ve got plenty to be happy about. We’re going to Abejas, which is a short drive away in Golden, and afterward we’re seeing a movie. I’m going to be a perfect gentleman in hopes that my good behavior will make her fall for me even more. I’m not going to try any shit with her; I’m making it my mission to treat her like a princess. After giving myself a little pep-talk, I lock up my apartment then cross the hall to knock on her door.

She appears at the door a few seconds later looking like sin incarnate. Jesus, she takes my breath away. It’s like I’m seeing her for the very first time. She looks so innocent, yet, so fucking sexy. She’s dressed in a light green dress, topped with a jean jacket perfect for the early September weather. It fits her body like a glove. I give myself a moment to appreciate her curves before realizing that I’m gawking at her like a complete asshole.

“Is this all right for where we’re going?” she asks, obviously unsure of herself as she plays with the bottom of her dress, which lands a good few inches above her knee.

“It’s perfect, Ronnie.” Hell, it’s more than perfect. I don’t know how I’m going to keep my hands to myself. “You ready to get going?”

She blushes and goes to grab her purse before hurrying back to me. Although I’m doing my best to be a gentleman, I can’t help but notice the way her tits bounce with her movements. I lick my lips before I can stop myself, and step back into the hallway before I get any ideas I can’t act on. I fist my hands at my side as I feel her walk up to me. She smiles, causing my entire body to relax, and reaches out to take my hand in hers.

“I’ve been thinking about tonight all day,” she says as we walk out to the parking lot to my truck. “I did manage to get a lot done today, though. I guess I was just really well rested after last night.”

I nearly choke on air at her comment. “Same here.” I want to say “babe” but think that it’s just too soon considering she’s not actually my girl—yet. “Maybe we can do it again?”

She laughs loudly and squeezes my hand. “We can sleep together whenever you want, Trev.”

“You shouldn’t say that to me,” I say, my voiced strained, before opening the passenger door for her. “It’s going to give me certain ideas and I’m trying my best to do things the right way.”

She pauses for a moment and gazes over at me where I’ve gotten into the driver’s seat, before saying, “I know you are, Trev, and I really appreciate it.”

The truck roars to life, loudly playing a song from a playlist I’m certain Ronnie isn’t going to like. Aurelio Voltaire fills my truck and I gaze over to my date to gauge her reaction. When I move to change it, she stops me, waving my hand away from the dial while saying, “It’s fine. I’m curious about what sort of music you listen to.”

I shrug, keeping it on, although, she doesn’t strike me as the girl who’d like a dark cabaret band. The ride is shorter than I’d imagine, so we end up listening to my playlist the entire drive. I keep shooting curious looks her way, wondering what she’s thinking as she listens to the different songs. She’s smiling, so I assume she’s enjoying them. I decide that when we’re heading to the movie theater, I’ll let her pick what we listen to.

“What band is this?”

“Coheed and Cambria,” I say, earning a smile of approval from her.

“They’re really good,” she comments as she reaches for the dial to turns up the volume.

So far, I’ve learned that not only does she love classic and independent rock, but she’s also into skate punk and even fucking ska. Could a woman be more perfect for me? Being with her is like a dream and I’m afraid that one day I’ll wake up and realize none of it was real. I just can’t believe a woman like Ronnie exists in the world. She’s probably original—one of a fucking kind; she’s just so perfect for me I can’t imagine there’s another girl out there like her. I wonder if she thinks I’m perfect for her, as well. Maybe I was wrong when I imagined the type of guy she would want to be with. I thought she’d be into a mature, wealthy, and handsome fucker—but maybe I’m her type, after all. Hell, she’s on a date with me, so that should count for something.

By the time we arrive at the restaurant, I’m feeling confident about the way this is going to go. I park and jump out of my truck to scurry around to open Ronnie’s door for her. I’m eager to start this night off right. As soon as she steps out, she slips her hand in mind. Her palm is warm and a little slick, causing me to wonder if she’s just as nervous as I am. She doesn’t look it, but then again, she always looks beautiful and incredibly collected.

My chest swells with pride as we walk into the restaurant. It’s fucking incredible and I can’t believe I’m actually taking her here. She looks surprised as we take in the prestigious décor. She’s practically glowing at my side as we’re ushered to our reserved table in the corner. I’m glad I had the foresight to make a reservation because this restaurant is apparently always booked to capacity. As soon as we sit down we’re presented with menus and the wine list. My body tenses as I look over the choices; I feel sick as I realize how fucking desperately I desire a drink. What I wouldn’t give for a bottle of wine. Fuck, I know something I wouldn’t give up for any alcohol: Grey and Ronnie. If I fall back into my old habits I know I’ll lose them both. I was a mess when I was constantly drunk and I know I can’t go back to that shit. I push the drink menu aside and look up to find Ronnie looking curiously at me. What do I tell her? “Hey, Ronnie. Did you know that I used to be a drunk?” I shudder at the thought.

“Are you all right, Trev?” she asks, reaching across the table to hold my hand in hers.

I feel ashamed. I don’t want her to know about this part of me yet. I don’t want to potentially ruin what we have. What if she rejects me once she finds out? I don’t know if I could deal with that.

“Trev, it’s all right if you don’t want to order a drink. I don’t really drink much and if you don’t either that’s completely okay with me.”

I give her a tight smile and squeeze her hand like a lifeline. “It’s just—” I stop, not knowing if I should be telling her this. I just don’t want secrets between us. She needs to know. “It’s just that I’ve had problems with alcohol in the past.” I sound so fucking ashamed of myself. I am ashamed.

“I understand,” she says after a pregnant silence. “I’ve watched people struggle with addictions. I know it’s hard. Just know that having a problem like that doesn’t make you weak—nor does it make me think any less of you, Trevor. You’re overcoming it and you should be proud of yourself.”

I snort. I don’t feel proud of myself and I tell her so.

“Well, I’m proud of you.”

She doesn’t say anything else, but she doesn’t have to. I haven’t bared my entire soul to this woman, yet, she already accepts me—needing no explanation. She sees me. She looks at me and she sees past the rough exterior, past my bullshit past, and manages to see me in a way I can’t see myself. What on Earth did I do to deserve a woman like her? She’s so beyond my reach, and yet, she’s right here. The only way this couldn’t work out is if I fuck it up. Knowing she accepts me like this… I know there’s no way I can let myself ruin what we have begun.