chapter 40

sound of silence

“Trevor?”

                         I look up to find Ronnie standing in the doorway, watching me with curious eyes and an open expression. Per usual, she knows just when to push and when it’s best to hold back. Even at times when I believed I couldn’t possibly open up—seeing Ronnie’s face made me want to bear my fucking soul to her. I give her a soft smile, not wanting to say anything that may disturb Grey—who’s resting on my chest—from his sleep. Ronnie returns my tired smile and walks in the room, taking a seat across from me on the sofa. She doesn’t ask any questions, waiting for me to speak when I’m ready. I stare at her for a moment, conveying that I need to be alone for a moment—I won’t be able to hold myself together. I take a deep breath and slowly rise to my feet—gently carrying Grey to his room and lying him in his crib. I find Ronnie patiently waiting in the living room for my return. As soon as I take a seat on the couch beside her, she molds her body against mine. The smell of her lavender body lotion and vanilla shampoo causes all the negative energy within me to dissipate. I take a long, deep breath, before I am finally able to begin.

                         “The folder my dad gave to me was filled with all this shit he and my mom had kept over the years. I guess they kept in touch behind their spouses’ backs. Dad would send her as many updates about me as he could manage to sneak past Evelyn. Apparently, she had a condition on agreeing to take me in: Felicity was to stay out of our lives. But they found a way to stay in touch without her knowing. It was weird reading all that shit. It was like I was seeing myself through their eyes.”

                         Ronnie’s silent for a moment, running her fingers along the cuts of my abdominal muscles through my cotton shirt before lifting her head to say, “I bet a little insight was nice. Was it all good things?”

                      I can hear the hesitancy in her voice. She’s used to all the shit in my life, I guess.

                         “For the most part. Sad things, if I’m being completely honest. I can’t believe the pain my parents endured. It was obvious they truly loved each other. I don’t know. It’s just so fucking sad—so unbelievable.”

                         “Well, at least you’re all together now,” she replies optimistically.

                         “Yeah,” I agree with a sigh, rubbing the rough stubble on my cheeks. “This truly is a fresh start for me. I feel like a totally different person. I went from being a drugged-up alcoholic deadbeat, to a father and fiancé—a man who has parents who are actually fucking proud of him. It’s just… it’s a lot to take in, babe.”

                         “I know,” she agrees as she nestles her head against my chest. “But you always find a way to handle everything so well.” She catches the dubious look I’m giving her out of the corner of her eyes. Which causes her to laugh before she continues. “Trevor, you handle stuff so much better than you think you do. You never give yourself enough credit. I’ve seen you struggle, Trev. I know how hard you’ve fought to be the man you are today, and I believe in you. I just can’t wait for the day you finally believe in yourself—the day when you can see yourself the way I see you because I’ve never met a man I’ve believed in more.”

                         Fuck, tonight has already been an emotional roller coaster. I’m overwhelmed enough, and now Ronnie’s saying shit that’s making me want to breakdown and cry like a baby all over again. Thankfully, I hold it together and don’t make an ass out of myself. Wrapping my arms tightly around her body, I respond, “I’m working on it, Ronnie. Trust me. I’m working on it.”

                         “I know.”

                         “I love you, you know?” I ask as I run my fingers through her hair.

                         She smirks before responding, “I know.”

                         We sit in silence for a while. Having a baby in my apartment, it’s rare to have moments like these. The only sound which fills the room is the soft sounds of our breathing. I close my eyes and soak up the feeling, enjoying it while it lasts. My mind begins to wander. I feel a sudden urge to reach out to my mom. After everything I’ve read—I want to hear her voice. I want to tell her how much all this shit means to me, and how thankful I am to have her in my life now.

                         “Do you think I should call my mom?” I wonder aloud.

                         For a moment, I think she’s fallen asleep, since she doesn’t answer my question straightaway. She finally yawns and without opening her eyes, she answers me. “If you feel like you need to do it, then do it. I’m sure it’d make your mom really happy if you reached out to her. I wouldn’t doubt she’s feeling pretty vulnerable right now.”

                         Ronnie’s right—just like she usually is. “Do you mind if I have a few minutes alone, then? I just want to talk to her before I go to bed.”

                         “Isn’t it a little late, Trev?”

                         “I know, but I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t talk to her now. Besides, everything I want to say is so fresh in my mind. I don’t want to chance forgetting anything.”

                         Ronnie sits up and gives me a chaste kiss on the lips before pulling away to smile at me. “Do what you’ve got to do, babe. I’ll be in bed waiting for you.” With that, she leaves me alone to my own devices.

                         Pulling out my phone, I call my mom’s number. I’m surprised when she answers on the third ring.

                         “Trevor?”

                         Exhaustion fills my mom’s tone and suddenly, I feel guilty for waking her up like this. “Hey, Mom. Sorry to call you so late,” I awkwardly begin. I rub my face with my hand—a nervous habit—and take a deep breath before continuing. “I read all of the letters that were in the folder Dad gave me, along with all of your cards…” I trail off.

                         She’s silent for a moment, but right before the silence becomes too awkwardly heavy, she says, “I always thought about you, Trevor. Every day we’ve been apart, you were always on my mind… Constantly wondering if you were happy. I often wondered what type of man you’d become… I’m so sorry this was all kept from you for so long. I never intended that. I just wanted—wanted you to have the best life possible.”

                         “I’m sorry, too,” I say, mostly to myself. “It’s weird. Reading all of those things at once.”

                         I hear a soft laugh from her before she responds, “I bet. This all must feel very surreal.”

                         I laugh as well, because fuck, I just don’t know what to say. It’s beyond fucking weird. In fact, “surreal” is putting it extremely mildly. Everything I thought I knew has been a lie. What’s also strange is the fact that I’m no longer angry. I’ve harbored so much anger in my life, but now, it’s all gone. My anger first turned into sadness; then, I felt completely numb, but now I’ve reached acceptance in all of this shit. I’m not thrilled about the situation, but I certainly can’t change it. I just want something positive in my life. I finally realize I can’t have a positive future if I keep dwelling on the fucked-up shit from my past.

                         “I wish I’d seen them sooner—but I’m happy to have read them now. I can’t imagine how hard it was for you to write me… when you never knew if you would see me again.”

                         I hear a mirthless laugh escape her lips before she says, “It was hard. Leaving you was hard. After I gave you to your father, I hated myself. I felt like such a coward. I’m so, so sorry, sweetheart. I should’ve been there for you. I don’t even recognize the woman I was then. I thought I was doing the best thing for you. I honestly thought leaving you with Arthur was the best decision I could’ve made. I thought if I ran away with you, Vincent would find me. If he found us—I couldn’t begin to imagine what he would’ve done.”

                         I shudder at the thought. If he was capable of abusing a fucking baby… Fuck, I can’t even imagine what else he could have done. Leaving could have been dangerous for the both of us and I know she couldn’t afford to take the chance. I can’t even begin to comprehend what she must’ve gone through; I don’t want to even think about the terror she endured after I was out of the picture.

                         “You did the right thing,” I finally say. “Thank you for that. For having the strength to let me go.” It sounds lame when I say it, but the words are spoken before I can contemplate them.

                         “I wanted to keep you so badly,” she responds with a soft sob. “I was so afraid you would hate me when you found out the truth.”

                         “I could never hate you.” My voice is commanding and colored with truth.

                         Fuck, how could I hate her? I wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for her. She did the best she could for me.

                         “I love you, Trevor.”

                         “I love you, too,” I say without hesitation. “Those cards, though. God, they broke my fuck—” I stop immediately, feeling my cheeks heat up from my discomfort. “Freaking,” I correct myself apologetically, “heart. They were just so sad, I mean. Those children’s book quotes… why did you write that?”

                         “I missed reading to you,” she softly replies. “I used to read to you every night. I missed watching your eyes light up as you would listen to my voice and look at the pictures. The Giving Tree and Winnie-the-Pooh were your favorites. At least, they were my favorite books to read to you. I would read them every night after you were gone. I suppose it was my way of pretending you were still with me. They became so meaningful to me when you were no longer in my life to listen to them. I would read The Giving Tree to an empty room and just weep because I understood the story completely. I’d give you everything I had, Trevor, and after that, I’d still find a way to give you more. I would do anything for you because I loved you so much. Ultimately that’s why I was able to give you to your dad.”

                         I smile at her words, ignoring the tinge of sadness I feel when I think of her reading all alone. Our lives have been complete shit up until this point. Sure, they had their share of good times, but those “good” moments didn’t make up for everything else. Despite it all, we both have the chance to start fresh and make our lives better—together.

                         “You have me now,” I say in a clear voice. I don’t know what else to say, but I want to comfort her. I want to ensure her that everything will be all right. To lighten the melancholy mood, I add, “You can read to Grey anytime you like. He loves to be read to and sometimes I just need a break.”

                         “I would love to do that.” I can hear the smile in her voice. She pauses for a moment before asking, “Do you think you’ll have another baby with Ronnie?”                        

                         Fuck, another baby? I can’t seem to avoid thinking about it. Now that things are moving to the next level with Ronnie, the possibility of a baby is definitely on the table. But the thought of making a baby with her makes me want to pass the fuck out. Well, it’s not the making part that I’m opposed to, but instead, the new baby that would be a result from it is what’s unnerving to me.

                         “I don’t know, Mom,” I finally say.

                         “You two would make beautiful babies,” she insists.

                         I roll my eyes with a laugh. What a “mom thing” to fucking say. I’ve got to smile at the thought because it’s so nice to have a mom to even say those sorts of things to me. Evelyn definitely wouldn’t have said anything like that. However, Felicity seems to be a complete 180 degrees from her.

                         “Thanks, Mom.” I hear her yawn and I feel bad, once again, for calling her so late. “I’ll let you get back to sleep, Mom. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

                         “It’s fine, Trevor,” she replies in a tired, but happy tone. “I always love talking to you. If you have any questions, you can always call me at any time—day or night. I know those letters were a lot to take in all at once, but I want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what.”

                         “Thanks, Mom. Get some sleep.”

                         “Goodnight, Trevor,” she replies in a quiet, sweet voice.

                         “‘Night, Mom.”

                         After hanging up the phone up, I notice how relaxed my entire body feels. My mind is still reeling from what feels like an information overload but talking to my mom has calmed me down. I feel exhausted all of a sudden and rub the weariness from my eyes before letting my body collapse back against the couch. This day has been such a trip; I just want to close my eyes and sleep until tomorrow afternoon.

                         “Are you ready for bed, babe?”

                         I sit up and turn my head to find Ronnie leaning against the doorframe. She’s in one of the pairs of pajamas I purchased for her with my last paycheck. They look fucking sexy on her, but then again, everything looks fucking sexy on her. “Sorry, baby. Just got off the phone. It feels like I’ve been neglecting you all evening.”

                         She rolls her eyes and gives me a sleepy, yet seductive smirk as she makes her way over to me and sits on my lap. “You haven’t been neglecting me, Trev. I’m okay on my own sometimes, you know? But now that you’re done—I’d love for you to join me. It’s hard falling asleep without you to cuddle with.”

                         I roll my eyes and give her a little smirk of my own. Cuddling—my favorite fucking thing. I guess I don’t mind cuddling so much. Especially, when it’s post sex. However, when she wraps her arms around my neck, all I get is a face full of her hair and an instantaneous erection. Which ends up being neglected and uncomfortable until I manage to fucking tame it. Regardless of all that shit, I guess I do like holding her.

                         “Let me get ready for bed and then I’ll join you,” I give her a nudge to get off me. When she does, I jump off the couch and give her ass a nice slap as I walk past her on my way to the bathroom.

                         Feeling exhausted, I’m quick to get ready. When I finally make it to my bed, I find Ronnie with the covers pulled up to her chin. She looks so adorable like this. Her eyes widen as I make my way toward her completely naked. I have to smirk at her expression. While I do love turning her on—that’s not the only reason I usually sleep in the nude. Mostly, I do it because it’s nice and comfortable. Well, who am I kidding? I also do it because my girl seems to like it.

                         I join her beneath the covers, and she immediately wraps her arms around me, getting comfortable. I thought I wasn’t in the mood for sex due to all the emotional shit I endured an hour before, but when she wraps her warm, soft, little body around me—my cock has other plans. She must sense my desire because I feel her smile against my skin before she begins to nip at my neck. Her lips feel amazing against my flushed skin and my cock becomes rock hard as her lips make their descent down my chest. Any negative feelings I may have had before joining her on this bed seem to fade away. All I can focus on now is how incredible she feels.

                         “Let me take care of you,” she whispers against my chest before her lips move to the place I want her most.

                         She rocks my world and once again, I have to wonder how I can possibly deserve this girl. When she finishes, she licks her lips and crawls her way up my body before settling her head on my chest. “I love you, Trev,” she says with a yawn before rubbing her tired face against my chest.

                         “Want me to reciprocate?” I ask with a smile as I trail my hand up her thigh.

                         “Tonight, was just about you,” she insists, although, she doesn’t stop my fingers as they begin to play with her. “I was thinking,” she casually begins as I slip a finger inside of her wet core, “tomorrow we both have the day off, maybe we could go look at that house I was telling you about?”

                         “So soon?” I ask, although, I’m more focused on her pussy than what she’s fucking saying.

                         “Well, our leases are up pretty soon, and I thought it’d be exciting to just see it.” She moves my hand away from her pussy and I frown like a kid who’s just had his Halloween candy taken away.

                         “That’s fine,” I sigh, wanting to get back to the matter at hand. “Whatever you want, baby.”

                         She smiles and opens her legs wide for me. A deep laugh escapes me as I look at her. God, she’s fucking good. Here I thought I was the one in charge of our relationship but, like always, Ronnie finds a way to prove me wrong.

 

 

“Come on, Trevor. It won’t be that fucking bad. Man-up and get out there!” How pathetic am I? I’m giving myself a pep-talk in my foggy bathroom mirror. Fuck, I’m acting like such a little bitch right now. I took a scalding hot shower, hoping it would release some of my anxiety surrounding this house hunting business, but in reality, it didn’t do shit. I still feel just as nervous as I was when I woke up this morning.

                         I’m not sure what my deal is because we’re only looking at one house. The keys were left under the doormat, so we don’t have to deal with all that realtor business just yet. In all honesty, that was the part that had me really nervous. I got so many judgmental looks when I was apartment hunting; I can’t even imagine the reactions I’ll surely get while house hunting. I don’t exactly seem like the type of man many people want as a neighbor, so I’m sure people would do anything to dissuade me. I know I look like a mess of trouble from the sight of my tattoos, piercings, and the scar above my left eye. If only people knew just how mellow I would really be as their neighbor.

                         “Trev, are you coming?”

                         “I’ll be right out!”

                         I stare at my reflection and take a deep breath. Today will be okay, I’m sure of it. I just have to grow the fuck up and leave my fucking bathroom so we can leave. We’ll just check out the house and then grab some lunch. No big deal, right? I don’t know why I’m stressing so much about this. I run a nervous hand through my hair before opening the bathroom door, flipping off the light, then heading down the hall. I find Ronnie in the living room. She’s wearing a sweater dress and a pair tights that fit her like a second skin. Suddenly, I wish I could just take her to bed and forget about our agenda for the day. I watch as she gets Grey in his winter coat before putting on her own.

                         “You ready to go, babe?” she questions as she turns around to find me watching her.

                         “Yeah,” I tell her while giving her an unapologetic once-over. “Let me just grab my jacket.”

                         Ronnie can obviously sense my tension on the car ride to view the house. She places her hand on my thigh as I drive and talks to me about how cute Grey had been this morning. I’m too anxiety ridden to really listen to her story, but I try to focus on her words, so I can distract myself. Luckily, the house isn’t too far away from our apartment, and we manage to get there in under twenty minutes. The key is under the welcome mat—just like the realtor had promised—so we let ourselves in and begin to look around.

                         The outside of the home is fucking wonderful. The home is built with tanned bricks, and features large, picturesque windows. There’s a bright red entrance door that catches our attention right off the bat. It seems to be perfect for our little family. The inside is even more impressive. Honestly, it quickly exceeds all of my expectations. There’s a large foyer, leading into an open floor plan. The ceilings are high, which makes the home look even bigger. About ten feet away from the front door is a beautiful staircase, which leads down to the basement. It’s like the basement is really the main floor, and the first floor is really the second. It’s unconventional compared to the homes I’ve viewed online, yet, I really like it. This house is completely fucking perfect for us.

                         “What do you think so far?” Ronnie inquires as we take it all in.

                         My eyes scan the rooms within my view: the living room, family room, and a giant kitchen, before my gaze continues down a hallway toward, where I assume, the bedrooms and bathrooms are located. “I love it,” I finally answer, taking her hand and ushering her toward the hallway. “Do you like it?”                  

                         “I love it, too,” she answers with a blissful smile. “It’s so much better than what my sister described.”

                         “How about you, Grey?” I ask as we peek into the first bedroom.

                         “No!” he squeals, cracking himself up.

                         “Well, at least your mommy and I like it,” I tease him as I bounce him in my arms.

                         The bedrooms are perfect, and I can already imagine how I’d like to decorate Grey’s room. I want to give him the best home possible. I just can’t believe he’ll be growing up here. I can’t fully comprehend this is the house we’re going to be a family in. It’s fucking overwhelming. I have to distract myself with checking the remainder of the rooms before I get too fucking emotional.

                         “You ready to see the basement? Eden keeps telling me how phenomenal it is,” Ronnie says. She’s got a smile on her face as we go back down the hallway, making our way to the stairway at the front of the house.

                         Eden was right. This basement is fucking phenomenal. It’s the man cave I never knew I always wanted. Of course, I’ll be sharing it with my family, but it’s still just what I envisioned. It has hardwood floors and enough room for a “mini” theater. I can imagine the leather chairs surrounding a flat screen television right now. As my eyes scan the room, I find a bar situated in the corner and shudder at the thought of how tempting it is to fill that fucker up with liquor.

                         Sensing my unease, Ronnie moves toward the bar as she says, “I was thinking we could get a popcorn machine and have sodas and snacks down here. You know, turn it into our own little concession stand. Like the ones at the movie theaters.”

                         I smile at her clever idea and nod. God, I’m so fucking thankful for her. She practically reads my mind and senses my distress without me having to say a single word. Sometimes, I feel like she must know me better than I know myself.

                         “That’s a great idea, babe.”

                         She smiles at my approval and comes back over to me, taking my hand. “We should check out the backyard. I have so many ideas for what we could do out there,” she says excitedly before leading me up the stairs.

                         The backyard is amazing, as well. Grey seems to agree with me as he takes everything in with wide, curious eyes and a big smile adorning his face. It’s fenced in and big enough for him to run around and play when he gets a little bit older. My favorite part of the whole thing is the large oak tree that’s taken up root in the corner of the yard. It’s fucking majestic. I can already picture myself building a nice treehouse for him.

                         “What are you thinking?” Ronnie asks as she finishes looking around the yard on her own and comes back to my side.

What am I thinking? I feel like I can see my entire fucking future, and for the first time in what feels like fucking forever, the thought of my future doesn't seem horrible. It seems…nice. Better than nice, actually. I can't find a word to really describe it, but everything about this house just feels right. Being a husband, father, and homeowner was never anything I'd imagined for myself. I guess life is just funny like that. We just never know what lies ahead.

“It's perfect,” I hear myself say, but my mind is still occupied with thoughts of playing with my son in the backyard as he gets older.

                         “Daddy, look it! Daddy, I get da ball!”

                         Grey is so fast, I can barely catch him as he zigzags back and forth to evade being caught. I step behind our oak tree so I’m out of sight and sneak up on him as soon as he stops to look for me. He squeals as I pick him up off the ground, his brown hair hitting me in the face as he laughs uncontrollably.

                         “Daddy, stop it! Daddy, down!”

                         I give him a quick kiss on his sweaty, little forehead before placing him safely back on the ground. “Why don’t you go find Mommy?” I suggest.

                         Grey’s face lights up and he runs toward the patio. Ronnie’s reading a book as she sips a cup of tea. She looks so beautiful with her glossy brown hair up in a bun on top of her head, her face lightly made up to show just how naturally fucking exquisite she really is, and her belly round with our baby. Never has she looked so stunning. If only she believed me when I told her so.

                         “Mommy!” He screams as he runs to her. “I got da ball, Mommy!”

                         She gives him a loving smile before dropping her book—marking her page first, of course—and pulling Grey onto her lap. He gives her his Nerf ball and throws his arms around her neck.

                         “That’s awesome, baby. I didn’t know my son was so talented.”

                         He ignores her compliment and asks, “Will brotha play wif me?” Pointing to her pregnant belly.

                         “Of course! He’ll need his big brother to teach him to play!”

                         Grey smiles. “I do that.”

                         “You’ll be the best big brother in the whole wide world,” Ronnie tells him before kissing his cheek.

                         He smiles back then kisses her cheek in return before he gets comfortable on her lap.

                         “Trevor?” Ronnie asks, pulling me from my daydream.

                         Fuck, I was just imagining her pregnant. What the hell? I fucking blush and can’t bring myself to look at her. Where did that even come from? I went from being scared of having a baby of my own to fucking fantasizing about it? Even though my little fantasy takes place years in the future, it still gives me chills.

                         “Trev, what’s wrong? Where’d you go just now?”

                         I shrug, wanting to play it off like nothing happened. I bounce Grey in my arms and say, “Nothing, babe. I was just thinking about the house.”

                         Ronnie gives me a look that illustrates how little of my bullshit she’s buying, before smiling and saying, “I really like it, too. I think it’s perfect for us.”

                         Us. Even though we’ve been planning our future together, hearing her say “us” still makes my heart fucking flutter. I never really understood the whole “butterflies in your stomach” thing until Ronnie says something which makes my breath catch in my throat and my heart race.

                         “Let’s call up the realtor tomorrow.”

                         Ronnie’s entire face lights up and she does a little happy dance before telling me, “Eden’s going to be so excited. It’s her dream for us to live close by so our families could grow together. Ever since our mom died, she’s insisted on us staying as close as possible. Speaking of her being excited… she’s been talking my ear off about getting together for Thanksgiving since it’s just around the corner.”

                         Thanksgiving. That means I’ll be meeting her father soon. I can’t describe how fucking nervous that makes me. I don’t know why because Ronnie assures me that while her father is “rough” and “taciturn” he’ll still love me because she loves me. Somehow, I doubt it’ll be that easy. I’ve never had a girlfriend—therefore, I’ve never met someone’s dad under these awkward fucking circumstances. I know how protective fathers are of their daughters. I mean, I don’t personally know, but I remember a few of my friends getting their asses kicked around the block by their girl’s dad in high school. I just want to make a good first impression. Unfortunately, first impressions are not something I’m good at. I’m the sort of guy you have to really get to know before you can decide whether you like me or not. Hopefully, Ronnie’s dad will like me because I know things will fucking suck if he doesn’t.

                         “You seem worried about something,” she observes with a giggle.

                         I shrug my shoulders, not wanting to admit how nervous meeting her dad makes me.

                         “Trev, my dad is going to love you. Don’t worry about it.”

                         She says this, but she doesn’t seem too convinced herself. It almost sounds like she thinks if she says it enough times out loud, she’ll start to believe it’s true.

                         “Isn’t he a cop or something?” I ask, trying not to sound nervous about the idea.

                         “Fire chief,” she quips with a grin. I can tell she’s trying very hard not to laugh at me. “Babe,” she says, her voice now serious, “it’s going to be fine. You’re my fiancé and you make me incredibly happy. That’s all my dad will care about. If he sees I’m happy, he’ll be happy, too.”

                         Fuck, I hope it’s that easy. My life has felt like a roller coaster lately and I want something to run smoothly.