Chapter 8

Honey and the moon

Grey’s going to get his first tooth. He’ll get his first tooth and my brother won’t be here to see it. I can’t describe how that makes me feel. I can’t suppress the lump in my throat or the tears that which my tired eyes. Past the sadness, past all the longing, all I can feel is rage. Bitter. Fucking. Rage. Someone took Dean away and no matter what I say or do, I’ll never get him back. There’s an entire life he’ll miss out on, just because someone was too fucking selfish to stop and help him and his wife. Too fucking selfish to look outside themselves for one fucking millisecond and see how that shit situation would affect others. They didn’t give a fuck about anything.

That person is still out there somewhere, and that fact ices me to the core. As I hold Grey, all I can think about is what I’ve lost. In the past month and a half my entire life has changed into something I don’t recognize. Sometimes I look at my mug in the mirror and wonder if this is all just a charade, if this “transformation” is really me just pretending to be someone I’m not. I think that’s what worries me the most. It’s the reason I find it so hard to sleep at night. I’m afraid I’ll wake-up one day and switch back to the man I’ve grown to hate. My former self.

Grey must sense my stress and begins to move in my arms to get a better look at me. I know I’m acting childish. I know I should stand up and be the type of father-figure Grey needs, but sometimes I just want to throw everyone out, press my face against a pillow and fucking scream. I know I should talk to someone, anyone, but I’ve always been a “suffer in silence” type. I’d rather deal with my problems myself than having to voice all my weaknesses aloud to someone else.

Grey makes a few noises, as if he were trying desperately to communicate something to me, before he grabs my thumb and starts chewing on it. I force a smile on my face, trying to appear strong for him. Since Ronnie went back to her apartment, I’ve completely fallen apart. She was a wonderful distraction, but the moment she left I started to think of Grey. I thought about his first tooth, his inevitable first steps, first day of school, his graduation… Every first he has my brother is going to fucking miss. I wish Ronnie weren’t busy. I wish she could come right back and distract me from everything. Although I’ve only just learned her name today, she has this way about her… like she could make me forget about all the terrible shit in my life with a snap of her fingers.

“You’re getting your first tooth!” I cheer with forced enthusiasm. “Are you excited, little man?”

He gives me a quizzical look, then smiles around my thumb.

“Your daddy would be so proud of you, Grey. You’re going to grow up to be everything he could’ve ever wanted,” I assure him, although, I know he can’t understand me. “I know your parents loved you so much, buddy.”

He giggles at this and holds my thumb tighter in his grip. I stare at him for a long time, wishing I could convey how deeply my brother loved him, but I know no words could ever do that love justice. I can tell him about his parents, show him pictures once he’s old enough to understand, but I know he’ll never truly remember them. Maybe deep down he’ll remember glimpses of them, but that’s all I can hope for. All I can do is love him in their place. Fuck, all of this just makes me want a drink. Maybe I should go across the hall and beg my beautiful neighbor to distract me a little longer. I hold Grey in my arms and close my eyes, imagining a world where everything in my life was how it once was.

The sounds he makes rouses me from my thoughts and since he isn’t interested in his bottle, we watch morning cartoons on the carpeted living room floor. His laughter soothes my anger and after a few episodes, I finally have control of myself again. My bouts of grief seem to come and go. Something random will trigger me and whatever it was has the power to make me feel completely lost and utterly alone. Thankfully, Grey is here to bring me out of it. I know he shouldn’t have the weight of that responsibility on his shoulders. I know I need to talk to someone—a professional, perhaps. I can’t share all my secrets with a six-month-old baby. However, it’s so easy to open up when he’s dozing off in my arms. I can see my reflection in his eyes and I feel like I can tell him all of my secrets.

“One more episode, buddy?” I ask him, reaching for the remote.

He gives me a bright smile and giggles, giving me my answer. I play another episode of one of his favorite cartoons and watch him as he watches the television. He’s so animated. You can tell everything that’s going on in that little head of his by just looking at the expressions on his chubby face. Halfway through the episode there’s a knock on the door, and he grows fussy as I carry him away from the television to answer it.

“Come on, buddy. No more tears. I just have to see who’s knocking on our door,” I assure him before kissing him on the forehead to calm a potential tantrum.

I swing the door open to find none other than my beautiful neighbor. She looks very different than she did this morning. She’s now wearing a jean dress that hugs her curves. Her hair hangs in soft curls and her natural beauty is highlight with makeup. She’s a fucking knock-out and despite her shy exterior, I’m sure she knows this.

“I just wanted to check on you and Greyson,” she says with a hint of a blush.

I return her small smile, thrilled she’s here. I’m honestly surprised she’s talking to me at all. Maybe she just likes to be around cute babies? This visit can’t just be to see me. I step aside and open the door fully, gesturing for her to come in.             

“He’s doing much better. Thanks for your suggestion earlier. You’re a life saver,” I tell her as I usher her into the living room.

“It’s no problem,” she says with a bashful smile which I’m finding more and more appealing by the second. “I babysit my niece, Harper, all the time. You’re my new neighbor, so helping you out is the least I can do.”

I smile at her words and laugh as Grey wiggles his body in my arms, wanting to get closer to the television. “We were just watching cartoons if you wanted to join us,” I say as I take a seat on the couch and gesture for her to do the same. Realizing it’s a weekday and I’m not a work, I quickly add, “I took today off work to take care of Grey.” I just fucking stammered like an idiot. I sink into the couch and take a deep breath, hoping this chick doesn’t notice my awkwardness. I’m usually smooth with women, but Ronnie has me feeling like an inexperienced son of a bitch.

“Having weekdays off are the best,” she agrees with a smile.

“What do you do?” I ask conversationally, wanting to know more about this intriguing girl.

“I work from home as an editor. It’s my dream job.” She laughs, as if there was some inside joke I was missing. When I give her a curious look, she continues, “I’ve never been too keen on working with tons of people. I used to work at an office, but with all the office drama and cliques, it was absolutely terrible. I’m just happy to be free of that.”

“I know what you mean. I usually keep to myself when I’m at work and just think about what I want to do when I get home.”

“And what is that?”

“Play with Grey, of course,” I say as I poke his chubby, little stomach. He throws his head back and giggles before nestling his face against my chest.

“I understand that. When I worked in an office, all I thought about was my cat.” She pauses for a moment, blushing before she continues to say, “Wow, how sad is that? You probably think I’m some crazy loner cat lady.”

I scoff. “Never.” You’re too fucking hot to be a crazy cat lady. Although, if I had my way, I’d see just how crazy she really is. “What kind of cat do you have?”

“She was a black cat named Salem,” she tells me with a smile similar to the one I get when I’m thinking about Grey.

“Salem? You a big Sabrina the Teenage Witch fan?”

“Well, I was when I was twelve. That’s when I named her,” she informs me with a giggle. God, her laugh is fucking pretty. All of her is fucking pretty.

“I never had any cats or dogs growing up. I guess my parents didn’t want them messing up our house,” I tell her, remembering the one time we had a dog for a week before she tore up the carpet and we were forced to give her up. “I had a hamster, though. He was pretty cool. My brother named him Finn.”

“Finn? That’s a cool name. Where’d he get that from?”

The fact that I’m openly talking about my brother to a stranger, hits me like a fucking wrecking ball. Of course, I’m not talking about his death or anything too traumatizing, but since he’s died, I haven’t talked about him at all. My dad was the only one I really opened up to since my return, but other than that, I’ve avoided mentioning Dean completely. Mainly, I’m afraid someone will want to know more about him. I don’t want to delve into my personal life and bring up all the horrible shit that’s happened in my family. I’d rather just keep things light. For my own fucking sake.

“I’m not sure,” I say, hating myself for being so short with her. I turn my attention back to Grey and hope she changes the subject. Thankfully, she does and we fall into an easy conversation. I feel different when I talk to Ronnie. She doesn’t make me feel inferior like other people do. I don’t have to put on a façade around her because she doesn’t know the type of man I once was. I can’t even stomach the thought of her seeing who I was last year: a man who was never fucking sober and spent his nights deep inside some random chick. If it could make any difference now, I’d go back in time and take all that stuff back, just so I could be the type of man Ronnie would want to date.

An hour flies by before either of us realize it. An hour with her feels more like a minute around her. Not only is she sexy, she’s smart and has an amazing sense of humor, as well. She has managed to get a few smiles out of me—which seems pretty rare these days. Not much makes me smile, aside from Grey. The kid could make anyone smile.

“Shit!” Ronnie curses, taking me off guard. This girl has a mouth on her and I like it. “Sorry,” she blushes, “It’s just that I have a deadline later this afternoon and I’ve got to get back. I’d forgotten all about it.”

She stands up so quickly her tits bounce and I can’t help but watch, captivated, as she runs a hand nervously through her long hair.

“Well, I’m glad you stopped by,” I say, standing as well. “It’s nice having another adult to talk to,” I tease as I walk her awkwardly to the door, not wanting her to leave just yet. “I love Grey, but he’s not much of a conversationalist.”

Ronnie snorts and stops as we reach the door. She gives me an appraising once-over, before giving a warm smile to Grey. “Would you two like to come over for dinner?” she asks with a hint of discomfort in her tone. I wonder if she’s nervous. I can’t imagine why.

“That’d be great,” I say, jumping on the opportunity before this beauty changes her mind. “I can’t remember the last time I had a homecooked meal. It’s been microwavable dinners ever since I moved into this apartment.”

“Aw, that’s too bad,” she says with an adorable pout. “You never order takeout?”

“No, too expensive,” I explain while looking down at Grey. “His baby food is pretty costly and I can’t afford to be throwing money away on pizza and Chinese food all the time.”

“I totally understand that. I go to the store with a giant stack of coupons because otherwise I wouldn’t be able to afford half the stuff I want.” She takes a deep breath and smiles at me, leaning against my front door. “Sorry, I’m rambling again.” Fuck, talk all day, beautiful. “Is five o’clock too early for you to come over?”

I shake my head, mentally kicking myself for seeming so damn eager. I can’t help it. My fuck-hot neighbor is making me a home cooked meal. What more could a man like me want? This is more than I could’ve ever hoped for. When I moved into this apartment, I thought I’d just get glimpses of her now and again. Hell, I was even going to take up running just to have an excuse to bump into her. Although, it seems like fate had other plans. Fate isn’t really something I put too much stock in—but there must be something powering my good fortune with this chick. Maybe I shouldn’t be getting too ahead of myself. We’ve only just started talking and I’m acting as if we have some sort of relationship. I haven’t even bagged this girl yet and I’m already thinking about a future with her. Hell, once she sees me for what I am—or what I once was—she might kick me like a bad habit. I may not know much, but I know her leaving would gut me. She’s the type of girl you want to stick around.

As soon as Ronnie leaves, I take Grey to his room to see if he’s ready for a nap. He didn’t sleep well last night and he hasn’t really eaten this morning. Maybe a nap would do him some good. He starts to fuss as soon as I lay him in his crib and wails until I pick him back up. I pull the tube of ointment out of my pocket and gently rub some on his gums, hoping the gel will soothe him. Grey’s cries intensify and he grabs my shirt, fisting it in his little hand.

“Come on, buddy. What can I do to make it better?” I ask in a hushed tone as I run a hand through his wild hair in an effort to soothe him.

I would do anything to take the pain from him so I could carry its weight as my own. However, I know all I can do is give him comfort. I rock him in my arms and try to talk to him—as if I could coax him into silence. Tears continue to stream down his face and he begins to kick at me. I give him my finger to grasp onto and sit down in the rocking chair in the corner of his nursery. The rocking helps calm him down and as we sway back and forth, I meditate on what sort of things usually soothe a crying baby.

I remember my mom singing to me when I was a baby. Well, I don’t actually remember it myself, but I did see a video once, confirming the moment existed. I would’ve never believed it otherwise. She’s always been so frigid toward me—growing worse with age—so it’s weird to imagine a time where that wasn’t the case. I think my dad showed me the video to illustrate that there was a time when my mom really liked me. He didn’t say as much—but why else would you show a teenager that sort of video?

Not knowing a better option, I decide to try singing to Grey. My voice isn’t the best, too low and raw to be considered alluring, but he seems to enjoy it. As soon as I begin singing, his eyes are on me, watching my mouth as it moves from one lyric to the next. His cries cease as I finish the song and he looks expectantly at me before I move onto another one of my favorites songs. The corners of his mouth begin to twitch until he’s finally smiling at me, watching me intently as I sing an old Simon & Garfunkel favorite. As soon as I see tears swimming in his eyes, I stop singing.

“I thought you liked my singing? Why are you crying?” I ask as I adjust him on my lap so I can get a better look at his face.

Despite his tears, he’s still grinning at me. He brings his hand to his mouth to suck on as his eyes seem to urge me to continue singing. As soon as I begin a new song, tears slip down his face and he takes his hand from his mouth to smile at me again. I’ve never seen him look so happy before and I can’t bring myself to stop singing. I feel incredible, knowing I’m the source of his happiness. He looks at me as if I were his whole world. Seeing someone look at me this way is better than any high I’ve ever felt. Nothing has ever made me feel so elated.