chapter 33

i need my girl

“Do you think you’re capable of forgiving your father?” Dr. Russell inquires in a voice that’s neither intrusive nor judgmental.

I told him everything, poured my heart out to him and allowed him to watch me bleed. I hate feeling so exposed and vulnerable. I hate that my parents’ actions have made me feel this way. They were supposed to love and protect me, but instead, they lied to me my entire life. I thought I’d finally found myself, but then I was thrown right back onto my ass. I wonder if I ever knew who I was. My life feels so foreign to me because it’s filled with so much deception and unanswered questions. Part of me wants to search for answers while another part of me is terrified of what I might find. I want to be the strong and courageous man Ronnie believes me to be—so I’ll be able to look at things for what they truly are. But the coward in me wonders if I’ll actually be able to be at peace now that I know the truth.

I ponder Dr. Russell’s question. Can I forgive my dad? I think about unconditional love and wish I could practice it with him, yet, at the same time, I’m filled with so much fucking anger. If he loved me, how could he lie to me? Every day he went without telling me the truth was a fucking lie. Every. Single. Day. My entire life has been a lie because of him. Still, that man has forgiven me for so much of the shit I’ve done. It makes me feel like I owe him this. I know I should at least try. However, saying I forgive him and truly feeling that forgiveness are two totally different things. How ironic would it be for me to lie about forgiving him for lying?

“I want to,” I answer honestly, as I watch Grey, who’s sitting on my lap quietly sucking his thumb.

“What’s holding you back?”

“He didn’t tell me the truth about my biological mother!” I raise my voice in disbelief. Does he really have to ask me that after all I’ve told him? My dad mind-fucked me—whether it was intentionally done or not.

Dr. Russell nods his head at my fair assessment of the situation. “Nevertheless, you want a relationship with him?”

Of course, I do. Despite what he’s done he was a great father. He has his faults, but don’t we all? “Yes,” I quietly answer his question.

“Then, you’re going to have to forgive him at some point. You can’t continue to harbor this anger towards him,” he reasons.

I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this. I want to be strong. I want to forgive him and go back to feeling the way I always felt about him. However, things have changed so drastically. He was the one person I looked up to and the one person who always cared for me. Even when I didn’t want to accept his love, I knew it was there. But for some reason I just can’t ever seem to do the “right” thing. I’ve always chosen the easy way out, with Grey being the only exception. Even when I try so hard with things—I always feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. I put so much effort into being a good man, but it seems like I’m always coming up short. Why can’t I win for once? There’s a part of me that believes if I were a better man, I’d be able to understand his faults and forgive him. I must be a fucking asshole because I can’t find it within myself to do so.

Thinking about him makes me so fucking angry. I just want to hit something until the wounds on my knuckles open up again and I bleed out all the hurt. Even then, I know the pain will still be simmering inside of me. Now that my despondency over the whole the situation has lifted, all I can feel is fucking rage towards my father. I hate feeling so riled up. I’m so scared I’ll end up losing myself again if I don’t gain control of my emotions soon. I don’t want to go back to being my old, asshole self. That one drink showed me just how easy it would be to pick up my old vices again.

“I just need time,” I finally say. “I don’t feel ready to let this go. I can’t seem to move past this.”

I’ve erected a wall, so I can fucking protect myself. I used drugs and alcohol to fight all my demons in the past. They were the greatest means of escaping reality—even if it was only for a little while. Every pill I swallowed, every bottle I drowned myself in, and every bit of powder I snorted was like a greeting from an old friend. Having to deal with my demons completely sober is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done, hands down. It’s easier to avoid vices when things are going good, but when things go bad it feels nearly impossible. I look down at Grey again. He’s one of my reasons for fighting every day, and he smiles up at me before putting his thumb back into his mouth. Hopefully, my love for him and Ronnie—along with my strong desire to change—will be enough.

“Trevor, you’re doing very well. You should be proud of yourself. Would you have been able to handle this situation the same way when you first arrived home?”

I know I wouldn’t have been able to endure it. I would’ve crumbled if I found out about all this back then. I was under so much fucking pressure and was so completely overwhelmed. Now, I have Ronnie and my son—a family that means the absolute world to me. I wouldn’t be seeking help like this in the first place if it weren’t for them. I’ve always been a “suffer in silence” type, but I know I can’t do that anymore.

“I would’ve handled things completely differently,” I admit in a small voice.

“Then you should feel proud of your progress, Trevor.”

“I know.” Self-loathing just feels so much more natural. “I need to talk to my dad. I know there’s got to be more to this story. I’d just been too angry at the time to let him finish.”

“Talk to him. Hearing the truth, no matter what it may be, can be freeing.”

I want to know exactly what he was “protecting” me from. What could have possibly been so bad that years of mental abuse paled in fucking comparison? My mom—Evelyn, I suppose I should call her that now—had treated me like a rotten fucking step-child my entire life. Now, I can see why. I wasn’t hers, and she would’ve been reminded of my dad’s indiscretion every single time she looked at me. Knowing that almost makes me want to go easier on her, but she enjoyed being a bitch to me. I might not have been her flesh and blood, but I was still a child. I was an innocent fucking kid who wanted to be loved by his mom. Just thinking about it makes me so fucking angry because anger feels so much more controllable than despair.

Why had my dad subjected me to that mental fuckery for so long? Had he truly not noticed it? Had he really been that blind? Of course, he was away for work a lot while I was growing up. Maybe that had all been an excuse for him to escape Evelyn. When he was actually around, he’d give me enough love to make up for his wife’s lack of warmth toward me. Yet, I had always yearned for a mom, and I never felt like I truly had that with her—even when I believed she was the only mother I would ever have. I can only remember a handful of times when she actually showed me a sliver of warmth. On those occasions, she always seemed to have forgotten herself. She would ramble on until she finally realized she was talking to me, then, she’d give me a strange look and turn back into her usual icy self. Even during those “good” times with her, I knew she hadn’t loved me—she’d just been putting up with me.

“I want to get to know Felicity,” I say, surprised as the words escape my mouth without a second thought. I want to know her, and I want to understand why she abandoned me.

“Then get to know her.”

I’ll have to talk to my dad because I have no idea how to get in touch with her. Of course, I could dig up a phone book and try searching for her that way—but it feels like such a strange way of getting in contact with my mom. My mom. God, it’s weird to think of someone else filling that role. I don’t think I’ll be able to refer to her as mom, though because she hasn’t ever truly been a “mother” to me. Having a child doesn’t automatically make you a parent. Raising them and supporting them every day of their life does. Felicity sure as hell didn’t do that.

I leave Dr. Russell’s office feeling emotionally exhausted. While it feels exhilarating to get some of that shit off my chest, it doesn’t make me feel any less lost. I try to direct my focus on something positive, like my plan to go shopping for an engagement ring this afternoon. My past is completely fucked, so all I can do is focus on the future. And my future revolves around Ronnie and Greyson.

 

 

I bring Grey to a local jeweler in town with me. Just being here makes me anxious, like whatever I come up with for Ronnie won’t be anything more than mediocre. I feel that gestures like this have to be on a grand scale. I’ll remember popping the question to her for the rest of my life. Therefore, I want to make it as perfect as possible. My girl deserves the best. I’ll do just about anything to give her what she deserves. Although, I’m sure whatever I do won’t be good enough. It still baffles me when I think, out of all of the men in the world, my girl chose to be with me. I want the world to know that she’s mine and I belong to her.

I want this proposal to be entirely out of left field. I want Ronnie to be completely and utterly surprised. Luckily, Grey is still so young—so I don’t have to worry about him babbling to her about it. Still, I want to do all of my planning on the down-low so there’s no way she’ll catch a whiff of what I’m up to.

Grey is now wide awake and animated as we walk into the jewelry store. He instantly garners every bit of female attention in the room. I had forgone his stroller and decided just to carry him. He’s dressed in his elephant T-shirt and a pair of jeans and looks pretty fucking adorable. He waves at everyone we pass. I can’t help but laugh at him. He’s a ladies’ man already.

One woman, who looks particularly flustered, quickly moves around the counter and makes her way toward us. She’s attractive… in an artificial kind of way, with hair that looks really rough and fake. I cringe as she smiles at me, preparing myself to feel extremely fucking annoyed. She flirts with me, which I consider quite odd considering the circumstances. For fuck’s sake—I’m here buying a fucking engagement ring. Obviously, I’m taken; so, I don’t really see the point of all her efforts. I do my best to ignore her and focus all of my attention on the ring selections. They’re all so beautiful, but I begin to panic as I look at the price tags. As stupid as it sounds, I had no idea how expensive engagement rings were. I have a bit of money, but not enough to buy my girl something impressive. Nonetheless, I ask to see a few rings to get Grey’s opinion. I want him to have a hand in picking out his new mommy’s ring.

“What do you think of this one, buddy?” I ask, holding up a simple ring.

It’s a small diamond with a gold band. It’s not flashy, but it’s within my price range. Grey giggles, looking at the shiny object, then grabs my hand and tries to bring the ring to his mouth. He’s a giggling, slobbering mess, but he’s still very… cute. I smile at him and pull the ring away from his reach.

“You like this one, Grey?”

Grey laughs but doesn’t seem too interested in the ring. Instead, he reaches for me until I place him against my shoulder and hold him close.

“Would you like to see another one, sir?” The saleswoman asks me in a flirtatious tone.

What the fuck is it with this chick? I roll my eyes and nod. She shows me a few more simple rings—all traditional with gold bands and diamonds. They’re all right, but they don’t seem fitting for my girl. She just doesn’t seem like the type to want some basic ring. I want something beautiful, rare, and special—just like her. Finally, my eyes fall on a ring that looks extraordinary compared to the others. It’s so different, yet so fitting for my girl. I pray it’s in my price range as I ask the saleswoman to pull it from the case.

“This engagement ring is fourteen carat white gold with a freshwater pearl surrounded by white diamonds.”

I’m thrilled to see it’s just over a grand. I turn to my son and show him the ring. “What do you think about this for mommy?”

“Mama!” Grey yells before clapping his little hands together excitedly.

“Does that mean ‘yes,’ buddy?”

Grey squeals with laughter, and drools against my shirt before promptly closing his eyes and falling to sleep. I suppose the excitement was too much for my little guy. I chuckle and look back at the ring, imagining it on Ronnie’s slim finger. My heart speeds up at the thought of her wearing my ring. I’ve never been one to dream about marriage, kids, and all of that shit, but now that I’ve found a girl I’m in love with—the thought seems fucking blissful.

The future I see for myself now is so different than what it once was. In all honesty, I never looked ahead. Drugs find a way to keep you living in the moment and the only thing you think ahead about is how and when you’ll get your next fix. I never gave a second thought about getting an education, getting a good job, or finding a good woman to settle down with. I thought I was happy all of those years. Now, I see I was just too impaired to see the truth in my reality. I’m still struggling and I know I’ll be struggling for a while. Nevertheless, for the first time in a long time I feel as though I’m taking steps in the right direction.

I purchase the ring with the last of the money my dad had gifted me. I couldn’t imagine spending the money on anything more important. If things go well, Ronnie will be wearing this ring for the rest of her life. I leave the store with a ridiculous smile on my face. Grey must sense my contentment because he’s awake and smiling, too. As I admire his chubby grin, I wonder if I should incorporate him in my proposal. My proposal… how the fuck am I going to come up with something perfect for my girl? I want him to be part of it because we’re definitely a packaged deal. Not only will I be getting a wife, I’ll be giving my son a mom. The saying “killing two birds with one stone” comes to mind.  

My mind is filled with ideas concerning how to propose. Unfortunately, most of them are shit. How on Earth do men come up with this crap? Do they ask around for help or research proposals online? There’s always the cliché ideas I could easily employ, but I want to do something that’s right for me. Something that screams “Trevor.” Suddenly, an idea that isn’t complete shit comes to mind and I relax. I strap Grey into his car seat and make a call. I’m going to need help with this one.