Chapter 16

as tall as cliffs

It’s so strange, seeing the colorful autumn trees and feeling the cold bite of the air without a single drug in my system. I can’t remember the last September I spent sober. It must’ve been before I entered my sophomore year of high school. I can’t remember the last time I experienced the changes the season brings without every one of my senses being amplified or contorted. Although normalcy still feels foreign to me—I welcome the feeling of control that sobriety gives me.

Grey loves the crisp, Colorado weather and, like always, he takes in the new sights with wide, curious eyes. I’m thrilled that I’ve managed to plan this day for him. I’ve never had the foresight to plan much in advance, and it’s another way to exercise the control I’m desperately craving. While I’m exhausted and my muscles are still sore from a strenuous day of work, I couldn’t pass up a day like this with my two favorite people. It feels like we’re one big happy family as we spend our day on a farm, picking out pumpkins and gorging on caramel apples. Maybe it’s seeing other families around that me makes me sentimental because it’s a glimpse at something I wish I had. Which is something that’s still fucking weird for me to come to terms with.

The pumpkin patch farm is bigger than I expected, and it’s filled with children. Their loud screams as the they chase each other about and play in the hay are overwhelming for Grey. He’s a loner like me and isn’t used to being around this many people. He buries his face against the curve of my neck and whimpers. I kiss his fuzzy little head and give Ronnie a glance, wanting to know that at least one of them is enjoying the day. She looks angelic as she walks by my side with a bright smile on her face. She’s bundled up for the crisp weather the shift in season brings. I’ve never seen a woman look so fucking cute. Despite the large sweater, jean jacket, hat, and scarf she has on, my girl’s still fucking cold. The tip of her nose is red from the chill and I want to do nothing more than kiss it. So, I do just that after stepping in front of her to cease her walking. She startles, then she gives me a shocked smile before she falls back in step with me.

“Maybe we can head over there and have our picnic?” she suggests, gesturing toward a group of tables far removed from everyone else.

“Yeah, Grey definitely needs a break from all the excitement,” I chuckle, before following her towards the picnic tables.

Before work this morning, I woke up early to put together some food for our trip. I wanted to impress Ronnie and show her how good I can be at shit like this. I threw together a salad and made a couple of sandwiches. I know it’s not the most exciting thing in the world, but I’m proud of myself for taking the initiative to arrange it. I could’ve picked up fast food or something, but I wanted her to know I cared enough to go through the trouble. We take a seat and I place Grey comfortably on my lap. I open the old backpack I had since high school and unpack our lunch. I brought hard-boiled eggs and some bread for Grey and he squinches his face in disapproval as soon as he sees the giant sandwiches and chips are not for him. Every time I’m eating dinner while feeding him, he always reaches for my food and watches me with wide, pleading eyes as I place each bite into my mouth instead of his. I tell him that he’ll be eating whatever he wants soon enough but, of course, he doesn’t understand this and cries anyway.

“Thanks for doing this, Trev. I can’t believe you woke up so early to make me lunch,” she says with a pretty blush.

I smile because I’ve barely make lunch for myself ever, let alone another person. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever cooked for another person period. Usually when it’s my turn to provide dinner for Ronnie, I order take-out or take her to a nearby, reasonably priced restaurant. I never attempt to get behind the stove in the kitchen and actually make something. I dish her out some salad and hand her a sub. I try not to look too fucking proud of myself, but Ronnie seems to be proud of me despite it being something anyone with half a brain could do. I guess it’s the fact that I did it that makes it important. I want to treat her like a princess, despite how unimportant some may think my actions are. I just want her to know just how fucking special she is to me. I mean, at times it feels as though my entire world revolves around her.

“So, I thought tonight we could carve pumpkins and watch a scary movie?”

Ronnie smiles and giggles before asking, “Where’d you get all these cute ideas from? You don’t strike me as the type of guy who carves pumpkins in his free time.”

I can’t help but feel fucking awkward as I answer her, “My older brother and I used to do stuff like this when we were kids.”

Her eyes widen and her face flushes as she shifts uncomfortably in her seat. “I’m so sorry, Trev. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s a great idea; I was just teasing you about it.”

I give her a small smile, indicating it’s okay. She didn’t offend me, I just don’t like feeling stupid in front of her. “It’s fine, I just thought it’d be something you’d like to do. And I thought Grey would get a kick out of finger painting.”

Truly, I just wanted to do it because it reminded me of my brother. We grew up doing so much shit together during the fall, and it’s strange to go into the season knowing he’s not alive to be a part of it. Sure, I wasn’t around a lot over the past five years, but I still knew he was out there somewhere and that was all I needed. Now, I don’t know what the fuck to do or how to feel.

“I’d love to do it, Trev. Thanks for thinking of me.” She pauses for a moment and watches me curiously. “I know things are hard without your brother. I was a mess during the holidays after my mother passed away. I was filled with so much hate and anger…” She pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath. “I know you don’t always think you’re strong, but you’re handling this much better than I did.”

“You were a child, though,” I comment, reaching across the table to take her hand in mind.

“It’s hard to deal with death—no matter what age you are,” she says before giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

I begin to feed Grey and Ronnie changes the subject to something happier. I’m grateful for the change. I hope it becomes easier for me to talk about Dean one day. I want to be able to look back on the memories I had with him and not be so depressed about his death. We had some amazing times together and I’ll treasure for every single one of them. We made the most of the time we had together growing up and I’m thankful he was my brother—even though he left my life so incredibly soon. I listen to Ronnie as she talks, but don’t contribute much to the conversation. Whenever I get into this fucking funk I just want to kick myself in the ass. I don’t want to ruin the present because I’m dwelling on the past. Grey becomes restless sitting on my lap, so I grab a blanket from my backpack and we move our picnic to the ground.

As soon as he’s on the ground, he yanks on the sleeve of my jacket and tries to pull himself to his feet. He’s getting stronger every day and I can’t even begin to wrap my head around the fact that he’s going to be up and walking soon. Part of me wants him to stay a little baby forever, but another part can’t wait until he can walk and talk.

“Is he going to stand?” Ronnie asks excitedly as she watches Grey attempt to pull his bottom off the ground.

“I hope so. He stands up all the time, but I’m the only one around to see him do it.”

Grey is concentrating so hard as he sticks out his tongue and puts all his energy into standing. He manages to pull himself up for a moment, and then falls back down on his butt, before quickly trying again. I give him an encouraging smile, and he smiles back at me, momentarily dazed, before he finds the strength to pull himself to his feet.

“Oh my, Gosh! Grey!” Ronnie exclaims, applauding my little guy as he stands before her. She pulls out her phone and takes a quick picture of him.

Grey giggles and his laughter sends him back on his ass. He pouts for a moment before reaching for me to pick him up. He giggles as I settle him in my arms. I find the sound to be the most relaxing and assuring sound in the world. Grabbing my thumb, he puts it in his mouth and begins to gnaw on it.

“Aw, Trev. He loves you so much,” she coos as she crawls across the blanket to get closer to me.

I smile at her, knowing what she’s said is most likely true. It’s weird to think about Grey loving me because it’s weird to think about anyone loving me. After loathing myself for so long, experiencing anything else is a shock to my system. Since he has come into my life, my confidence has grown, and I’ve learned to hate myself a little less. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly love myself, but I do know now that I’m capable of love. Grey means everything to me, and Ronnie… Fuck, I can’t even begin to describe the way I feel about her. I’ve never experienced a romantic love and thinking about feeling that way for her will always be terrifying.

“Grey’s so easy to love,” I comment as I look down at my little guy. “Everyone who meets him can’t help but love him.” Kind of like how everyone who meets you can’t help but love you, Ronnie.

After our picnic, we pack up and head back to the pumpkin patch. The hayrides, caramel apples, and rows of pumpkins in various sizes and shapes brings me back to a happier time with my brother. Mom and Dad used to bring us here every September to pick out a special pumpkin to carve or paint because we both were always too eager to wait for “Halloween time” to do so. I loved it. Especially when I was really little and my dad would let me sit on his shoulders as we walked around the patch. When he would finally put me back on the ground, I’d chase Dean through the fields and we’d play in the hay until my mother came and dragged us out. I can remember it so vividly in my mind as if it were just yesterday.

“Dean, stop it!”

Dean chase me. He scary when jumps. Hay is in my mouth and Dean laughs. He hold his hand out, but I no up. My head hurt.

“Trev, you okay?” Dean sound scared.

Daddy run to me. He look mad. He funny mad. I giggle at him and he stop running.

“Guys, what did I say about roughhousing? You know your mother doesn’t like it and it’s not safe.”

Daddy pick me up and kiss my head. He put me on his shoulders and let me pick pumpkin. I like big orange one. It look funny. Daddy get one for me. He let me down to play with Dean. This time I chase him. He runs away and I roar. Dean laugh and I tackle him. I laugh, too. He funny. I love my brother.

“Stop that!” Mommy say.

She pull me off ground and spank my bottom. Dean frown. He hold my hand.

“Dean, baby, are you okay?” Mommy ask him.

Dean okay, he says. He hold my hand. He bring me to daddy. Mommy and Dean look at pumpkin. Daddy get me apple. He let me sit on his lap. I want to play. Mommy not like it when I play.

“Where’d you go?” Ronnie asks, pulling me away from my thoughts.

“I was just thinking about how I used to come here all the time as a kid,” I tell her, giving her a small smile in hopes that she’ll see everything’s okay.

While she can obviously tell that I’m troubled, Ronnie nods her head and says nothing. She understands that remembering my brother is painful and she’s sweet enough not to press me. However, it’s more than just my memories of Dean that are painful. The memories of the way my mother used to treat me also sting like a bitch. She must sense my unease because she reaches out to take my hand in hers again.

“Do you want me to take a few photos of you and Grey? You know, so you can remember his first trip to the pumpkin patch?”

I’m not one for pictures, but I can’t seem to deny this girl anything. As silly as I feel, I pose with Grey in front of a large pile of pumpkins. He’s giggling as I hold him in my arms and I play with him, and Ronnie is all smiles as she snaps some photos on her smartphone.

“These are all so adorable, Trev. You should see the way he looks at you,” she gushes as she quickly comes to crouch down beside me and slides through the photos on her phone for me to see.

As my eyes scan the pictures, I barely recognized the tattooed man holding a little baby. I’m smiling. I look so fucking happy. I’ve never seen myself look this happy. Hell, I can’t even remember the last time I smiled for a picture. Grey looks even more content, smiling broadly in every photo as he holds onto my finger. We look like the perfect little family. Me and my little guy. There’s one picture where he’s looking up at me that takes my fucking breath away. He looks at me like I’m his world, and considering how small his world is, I suppose I am. His eyes suggest I’m everything to him. My heart feels so fucking full at this moment.

I turn to Ronnie to thank her for taking the pictures, but she stops me with her lips before I can even open my mouth. Her lips are soft and needy against mine and I want her so terribly bad. She slips her tongue inside my mouth and teases me so deliciously before pulling away. She gives me a shy smile and runs a nervous hand through her hair.

“What was that for?”

“I don’t know,” she says, breathlessly. “You’re just so cute with him.”

“I want a few photos of you,” I say as I hand her Grey and pull out my phone. Saying she looks happy is a complete fucking understatement. She holds Grey and smiles proudly at the camera. I snap a few pictures, some with her smiling brightly and some that are just silly. We feel so much like a little family, I can see us easily transforming into one.

“How do they look?” she eagerly asks as she gets off the hay covered ground with Grey in her arms. “I never look good in pictures.”

“What are you talking about, Ronnie? You look just as fantastic as you do in real life,” I tell her as I admire her beautiful face on my phone. When I look up at her to show her the photo, she’s blushing at my previous comment. “Come on, you know you’re gorgeous.”

She playfully shoves me and looks down at the picture. “Well, I definitely don’t look as cute as Grey.”

I didn’t know that, like me, she doesn’t know how to take to take a fucking compliment. I bend down to kiss her cheek, feeling more and more comfortable with the physical side of our relationship after the kiss she initiated a few moments ago. I take her hand in mine and together we walk towards a concession stand to buy apple cider and caramel apples—just like I used to do when I was a kid.

“So, you grew up coming here?” Ronnie asks as we take a seat on a nearby hay bale.

“Yeah, I used to love coming here. Closer to Halloween they’d have these awesome hayrides and I’d sit in my dad’s lap, while Dean would sit in my mother’s. We’d get so scared at the littlest things. I would burry my face in my dad’s shirt and stay like that until the ride was over. Dean loved it, though. He’d always get a kick out of anything scary when he was a kid. The only thing he hated was how my mother would make him pose for all these pictures. He hated getting in front of the camera. Even when he was really popular in high school, he never liked getting his picture taken.” I pause, realizing this is the most I’ve talked about him since his death. Sure, I’ve talked about him dying and how desperately I missed my older brother, but I’ve never just talked about him. I haven’t shared a memory without bringing up the fact he’s not here. Doing so feels so freeing and I can tell that the small memory I just shared has really been a big step for me. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t over thinking shit. Maybe Ronnie caught me off guard since I’m so relaxed around her and I couldn’t help but want to share. Whatever the reason, I’m glad I talked about him. Now, she knows a little bit about the type of man my brother truly was.

She smiles, seeming to be just as proud of me as I am. “So, your mom never made you take any pictures.”

“No, not really. I was usually off doing something with my dad.”

“Well, hopefully there’s some photos of you. I’d love to see what little Trevor looked like,” she teases me.

“I looked a little like my brother, Dean. Just a little rougher around the edges, I suppose. He was clean cut and straight edge and I was his complete opposite. But everyone said we had the same eyes and smile. Dean looked a lot more like my mom, though, where as I look nothing like her at all. My aunt used to tease me about being adopted,” I say with a laugh.

While I looked a little like Dean—I didn’t look exactly like anyone in my family. Which I suppose is fitting, considering I grew up being the outcast. It’s funny because my aunt would tease me about being adopted because I used to feel like I didn’t belong. I suppose I felt more like a stepchild. My brother was the apple of their eyes and I was just a nuisance.

“I’m sure you were very handsome,” Ronnie says with a smile. “Just like Grey.”

 

 

Completely spent by the enjoyable, yet, emotionally draining day, we end up watching movies at Ronnie’s apartment instead of going through with my plan to carve pumpkins with our little guy. He doesn’t seem to mind, though. In fact, he fell asleep on my lap after the first Disney movie of the night. Knowing he’s asleep causes the tension in the room to become fucking palpable. I want to touch Ronnie so desperately, yet, I restrain myself. God, she’s beautiful. Someday soon, I hope to show her physically just how much I care for her—just how much she means to me.