—24—
The Stalker in the Rye
Okay, here we go again! A few nights ago, I collected my silk top from the dry cleaner, armed myself with tissues and a bottle of Valium (just in case) and braced myself for another train date.
Before you ask, yes, I’m still seeing Edward Cullen. Then why go on this date? (#brokenrecord) Well, as the revered philosopher Samantha Jones once noted, you’re a free agent until he says he loves you. (Plus, since being burned in the past, when shit starts to feel real, I prefer to run for the hills/self-sabotage/suppress any deep emotions. Yep, I’m a walking contradiction. Please forgive me.)
This brings me to Jai. He reached out to me after discovering my copy of Man’s Search for Meaning. (If you take anything from this blustering blog, it’s read this book. Already read it? Read it again.) According to our email correspondence, Jai is a school teacher with a penchant for historical fiction and Latin dancing. And he is very much looking for love.
We met on the roof of Bomba, a tapas bar crammed among the hustle and bustle of Lonsdale Street. I don’t usually do tapas. I like my food burly (#bangforyourbuck), but finding my blind date sitting in a corner with a selection of tiny treats spread out as an offering (bless his cotton socks) suddenly made this bite-sized food a little more palatable. Points for thoughtfulness, but make sure to keep them coming!
First impressions? Jai had delicious loose locks, bright eyes and a stubble-framed smile. He rose to greet me and had hands the size of entree plates. Now let’s get to the crux of the date. Conversation flowed freely. And in most cases, you’d say, ‘Great. Conversation flowed freely!’ But in this particular instance, I mean that Jai happily broke down all conventional first-date boundaries. Yes, conversation went from polite, to upbeat, to deep, then quickly to let’s-tone-it-down-a-notch-Jai. Here’s a little rundown.
1. Polite Jai
We discussed pets and professions. I gushed about Winnie and he showed off pictures of his French Bulldog. He gave me funny insights into parent–teacher conferences, and I steered him away from any discussion of internet memes.
2. Upbeat Jai
I can now reenact the first three steps of the rumba. Boy, did I get schooled!
3. Deep Jai
I know that he is very close with his mother. Very close. Still keeps in touch with most of his high-school teachers. Knows the entire soundtrack to Les Miserables. Would like three children by the time he is thirty-five (better get a wriggle on then, Jai), and is afraid of bats.
4. Too intense, Jai
No, I can’t tell you the last time I ovulated. I don’t know if I have a family history of hip dysplasia. And I appreciate that you’ve done your research, but how do you know I regularly take the Route 86 tram?
It took a matter of ninety minutes for our date to quickly spiral from cute and quirky to intense and inappropriate. After brushing off an examination of my dental cavities, I casually popped the last of the hors d’oeuvres in my mouth, muttered an excuse and got the hell out of there. Since ending the date THREE DAYS AGO, I have received thirty-eight (unsolicited) messages from Jai. Here are some of the highlights.
Jai: Hey Frankie, you sure are a strong, independent woman not letting me taxi you home! I can see you made it in safely. Thanks again for the great night. Jai x
Jai: Morning Frankie, how did you sleep? I’ve been awake most of the night consumed by thoughts of you. It’s not often you meet somebody who’s easy to talk to AND easy on the eyes. When can I see you next? Jai x
Jai: Hey Frankie, I know you just arrived at work and I hate to bother you, but I was scrolling through the upcoming Comedy Festival line-up and wanted to know if you’re free to see Tommy Little on March 22nd? Jai xx
Jai: Sorry, that sounded ridiculous. March? I’m getting ahead of myself.
Jai: I can see you’ve checked your phone since my last message. Have I offended you? Jai xx
Jai: What are you watching? Jai xxx
Jai: I can’t stop thinking about you.
Jai: My therapist tells me I come on too strong, but when I see a good thing I can’t risk letting it get away. I think we have a really special connection. Let me take you out one more time! Jai xx PS You looked really beautiful in that dress this morning. Red really suits you.
[21 February, 4.12pm]: Missed call from Jai
[21 February, 7.42pm]: Missed call from Jai
[21 February, 8.05pm]: Missed call from Jai
[21 February, 8.43pm]: Missed call from Jai
[21 February, 10.27pm]: Missed call from Jai
[22 February, 4.18am]: Missed call from DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ANSWER THIS NUMBER
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ANSWER THIS NUMBER: Are you okay? I think you might have slept through your alarm. I’ll ring the doorbell just in case.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ANSWER THIS NUMBER: My heart bleeds for you.
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ANSWER THIS NUMBER: Please just tell me what I did wrong.
It turns out Jai has been, ahem, ‘lovingly’ stalking five or so women after swiping them on Tinder. Over the last seven months, he has been on a dating rampage, showering women with platitudes and flowers, and peeking through curtained windows. His dating activity is now being closely monitored by police. They are currently debating whether he needs to be placed on a predator watchlist.
Sometimes being single isn’t so bad after all.
Until next time, my dears.
After all, tomorrow is another date.
Scarlett O’ xx
Leave a comment (1434)
No offence but … > @StephenPrince, he sounds like you. A STALKER!
Stephen Prince > @Nooffencebut … OUCH.
Cat in the Hat > I’m legitimately scared for you.
Fat Foodie > I want to hear more about the tapas. Details please?