—43—
Frankie moved on autopilot. It was only hours after she had ashamedly left Sunny’s home, and she felt empty. She reached into her bag, pulled out her train pass and tapped onto the waiting tram. She shuffled towards an empty seat and slumped down onto it, barely registering her surroundings. A dark, ominous cloud had descended around her and she couldn’t shake the immense feeling of loss. She was so buried in her thoughts, Frankie failed to notice the tattered copy of Still Alice sitting unaccompanied on the seat next to her. If she had, she might have picked it up, flipped through it and discovered her own handwriting scrawled on the seventh-last page. A few weeks ago this serendipitous train ride would have brought her immense excitement, but now, all she felt while riding public transport was the echo of her latest string of bad decisions.
Frankie was on her way to visit Cat and baby Jin Soo. Cat would be leaving hospital the next day and had insisted that Frankie take a break from being stand-in bookstore manager to be there for the final baby-bath demonstration with the midwife. ‘As godmother, you need to know the basics of baby care,’ Cat had told her over the phone. ‘Lesson number one: when to know when Mamma needs some alone time.’ Cat had been behaving even more erratically than usual these last few days; all sunshine and smiles one moment and then a ball of tears the next. Claud had been texting Frankie incessantly, asking her what he should be doing to support his turbulent wife. Ordinarily, Claud adored Cat’s eccentric mood swings and latest obsessions, but now that there was another human in the picture, and one for whom he was responsible, he was desperate to cocoon his new family in knitted wool. But fatherhood, it seemed, had injected him not only with a new warmth but also, somewhat loveably, uncertainty. Feeling completely out of his depth, he was questioning even his most basic intuitions. Frankie had tried to console him by insisting that he was doing a great job and that it was just the post-labour hormonal rollercoaster. She advised that he make himself useful by ensuring an on-tap array of coffee and soft cheeses, and also to support Cat during each extremely confronting and painful postpartum bowel movement. Frankie hoped that Cat would, in turn, settle once back home, but she feared her friend’s feelings ran much deeper than a hormonal imbalance.
The tram jolted to a stop and Frankie flew forward, knocking her head against the metal pole in front of her. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what is. Rubbing her head, she grabbed her bag, threw a half-hearted glare towards the conductor’s seat and jumped off. Navigating her way towards the hospital, she obsessively refreshed each one of the apps on her phone: Mail, Facebook, Messages, WhatsApp, Snapchat, and even Calendar alerts, in the hope that Sunny had contacted her. Closing each empty app, one after the other, was like another nail in the coffin.
Frankie wound down the corridor of the maternity ward until she arrived outside Cat’s room. The door was just slightly ajar and from it escaped the sound of muffled wails. Frankie smiled at this new noise, which pulled deeply at her heartstrings. She heard Cat’s feet shuffling back and forth, and over the noise of the distressed baby, bits and pieces of one half of her friend’s phone conversation wafted towards her.
‘I can’t keep this a secret anymore,’ she hissed.
Pause.
‘I know you’re not ready for this, but guess what? We can hardly ask for a refund.’
Pause. Heavy breathing. Crying.
Frankie tentatively propped open the door and slid inside. She planted a kiss on Cat’s cheek and took little Jin from her arms, breathing in his delicious baby smell.
‘I better go. I’ll call you later.’ Cat hung up the phone and carefully lowered herself onto the armchair that sat next to the only window in the room. The bench alongside her was littered with an array of flowers, nappies, baby clothes, baby bottles and dummies; all the paraphernalia for Cat’s new life.
Frankie smothered Jin Soo with kisses, managing to love his gurgling cries into submission until she was able to gaze down at his scrunched-up face and marvel at the touch of his silky skin.
‘I just want to eat him,’ she cooed.
‘I’ll tell you what I want to eat …’ Cat didn’t need to finish her sentence; Frankie had already kicked her handbag over to her. Cat clapped her hands with delight, bent over with a small wince, and riffled through its contents. She pulled out a small paper bag containing fresh salmon sushi, holding it above her head like she’d just won the Australian Open. ‘You are an absolute godsend. I’ve never loved you more!’ she said, chowing down on one of the rolls. Between mouthfuls of rice she absentmindedly whipped out her left boob and began squeezing it absentmindedly. Frankie looked on in horror.
‘What are you doing?’ Frankie nodded towards her chest.
‘Just your average colostrum massage. Got to get these boobs working,’ Cat replied, beginning to massage her right boob.
‘Does it hurt?’
‘Well, it’s no trip to the Caribbean, but it’s okay.’ Cat tore at the second roll of sushi.
‘And you don’t mind getting the girls out in front of people?’ Frankie ran her index finger along Jin Soo’s silky baby hair, entranced. She had never felt anything more velvety.
‘Firstly, you’re hardly people.’ She chewed. ‘And secondly, flying body parts is just a fact of birth and babies. I’m constantly naked these days.’
‘So, nothing much’s changed, then?’
Cat smirked.
Jin Soo stirred in Frankie’s arms, stirring a deep longing in her. She leaned down and kissed his warm forehead. Without taking her eyes off him, she inquired casually, ‘Who was on the phone just now?’
Cat slowly swallowed her last bite. ‘Jin Soo.’
‘He’s very advanced, that Jin Soo. He already knows how to work an iPhone?’
‘Well, he wasn’t born yesterday,’ Cat retorted, slowly easing back into the chair.
Frankie laughed. ‘So, what’s going on with you two?’
‘Frank, I don’t know what to do.’ Cat sniffed.
Frankie looked up. She had never seen her friend look so terrified.
‘I can’t keep this lie up forever,’ she said, sucking in her breath.
Frankie gazed down at the little baby cradled in her arms. How could something so innocent and sweet already be at the centre of a situation so complicated? ‘It’s a wonder Claud hasn’t cottoned on yet. You know, in cavemen days, if the baby didn’t look like the father, he’d just kill it. That’s why newborns always look so much like their dad,’ Frankie said. ‘But right now, Claud’s just seeing everything through rose-coloured glasses, he’s so smitten. We have to come up with a game plan.’
‘I’m not talking about Claud.’ Cat resumed her rigid pose in the armchair, eyes averted.
‘What are you talking about?’ Frankie asked as she rose from the edge of the bed, bobbing up and down in soothing, rhythmic movements.
‘I’m talking about you, Frankie,’ Cat said quietly. ‘I haven’t been totally honest with you.’
‘You shat during the birth, didn’t you? I knew it. You won’t get a single poo past me!’ Frankie chuckled into Jin Soo’s opening eyes, trying to elicit a smile from her suddenly solemn friend.
‘I’m being serious, Frankie. I haven’t been completely honest about Jin Soo and me.’
Frankie glanced at Cat, who was nervously rearranging packets of nappies as she pulled her top back on. Finally sorted, she walked over to Frankie and lovingly scooped the baby back into her arms.
‘Armour,’ she said, nodding down at Jin Soo. ‘Now you can’t get mad at me.’
Frankie’s arms fell to her sides. She suddenly felt even emptier. ‘What’s going on, Cat?’
‘Jin Soo and I weren’t exactly a one-time thing,’ she said almost inaudibly as she started to turn away.
‘What was that?’ Frankie gently took Cat’s shoulders and turned her back so she could look her in the eye. ‘Cat?’
‘Jin Soo and I weren’t a one-time thing!’ Cat said, sniffing loudly. ‘I lied. I lied about it being just once.’
Frankie felt her jaw drop. ‘What are you talking about? So, what – you did the dirty, two, three times?’ Frankie asked, her eyebrows raised at her mute friend. ‘Five times?’
Cat’s eyes dashed back and forth, looking for somewhere, anywhere other than Frankie’s face to rest on.
‘Oh my God, Cat, how many times did you two do it?’
‘I couldn’t tell you exactly.’ Cat rocked the baby side to side, clearly regretting jumping down this rabbit hole.
‘You better get out your calculator and tell me this instant, young lady.’ Frankie was beginning to lose her patience.
‘I can’t tell you how many times, because it’s too many to count!’ Cat’s voice rose a fraction. ‘We’ve been on-again, off-again for months.’
Frankie sat down hard on the edge of the bed, unable to believe what she was hearing. Months? Her friend – her pregnant friend – had been unfaithful to her husband for months? And she had kept all of this from her? Cat and Frankie told each other everything. Everything. Frankie had been the first to know when Cat lost her virginity. Cat had texted her mere moments after finishing: ‘Deed is done. Why doesn’t anybody ever talk about how sticky it is?’ And it had been Frankie who was first on the scene when Cat’s mum abandoned her and she was insisting that she was ‘seriously fine’. Frankie and Cat just didn’t keep secrets from each other. And when it came to emotional breakdowns, they definitely did not miss a beat. Have I been too caught up in my own love life and flailing career to notice that my best friend really needed me? God, I am a terrible person!
‘Jesus, Cat. I don’t know what to say.’
‘I’ve fucked up, Frankie. Big time.’ Cat attempted to cover Jin Soo’s ears at the mention of the ‘f’ word. ‘And Jin Soo keeps calling, saying he wants to be in his son’s life and that he loves me and wants to be with me. But he has no idea what I have at stake here! Or what it actually means to have a child. A child that is going to be around forever. Forever is a fucking long time, Frankie.’ Tears began to stream down Cat’s face, a couple ricocheting off Jin Soo’s plump baby cheeks. Frankie rose from the bed and went to balance on the arm of Cat’s chair, wrapping her arms tightly around her blubbering friend.
‘I don’t know what to do, Frankie. All I’ve ever known is Claud. And he may be far from perfect, but he’s my Claud: the handsome man I fell in love with when I was barely old enough to know better and then vowed to be faithful to for the rest of my life.’ Cat leaned her head against Frankie’s shoulder. Frankie could feel her cries ripple through her. ‘God, look at me, I’m a bigger baby than this little tot!’
‘Cat, it’s totally understandable for you to feel this way,’ Frankie said as soothingly as she could. ‘You’ve just had a baby. I mean, you’ve freaking pushed a real, live human being out of your vagina! And now you’re faced with this awful dilemma.’
‘Yeah, the awful dilemma that I got my stupid self into.’
‘And look what came from it.’ They both looked down wistfully at Jin Soo. ‘It could be worse.’
They sat, leaning against each other, staring at the culmination of passion and longing and confusion. Jin Soo slept on peacefully, not yet aware of the turmoil that was unravelling around him.
‘Look at him,’ Cat finally said. ‘He’s just so beautiful. How could I be so cruel as to welcome him into a world filled with my problems? Hello daddy issues!’
Frankie simultaneously rubbed Cat’s back and the bottom of Jin Soo’s feet.
‘I’m already the worst mum in the world,’ Cat cried.
‘That is so far from the truth. Just look at him! He’s warm and happy and loved. I mean, so beyond loved! And he has not one, but two fathers who adore him and want to be in his life.’
‘Extra dads don’t generally mean that kids turn out extra well adjusted. What have I done?’
‘You will make this work. You just need to come clean.’
‘I can’t. Claud will be devastated. He’ll never forgive me!’
‘I’m not talking about Claud, Cat. I’m talking about you. It’s time you were honest with yourself. You need to decide what you want. Who you want. Make a decision and stick to it. Nurture your baby with love, stability and attention, and you’ll have yourself a winner.’
Cat smiled for the first time. ‘When did you get so wise, Rose?’
Frankie smiled at Cat. ‘You’re going to be okay, Catty. And so will Jin Soo.’
During Frankie’s visit, the sky had cleared and now shone a bright blue. The air still nipped at her, but as Frankie headed home she felt healed by the presence of the sun. By the time she had left, Cat had regained her composure and was sitting happily in bed, nursing her new baby. Frankie had no idea whom Cat would choose, which life she intended to pursue. But she knew that she trusted her friend to make the right decision, not just for herself, but for her child. Out of habit, she pulled her phone from her back pocket and flashed the screen on, searching for any sign of contact from Sunny.
Head buried in her hunt, she didn’t notice a man step out from the doorway of a cafe. As she raced past, Frankie tripped on his outstretched foot and toppled onto the footpath.
‘Jesus Christ, man,’ Frankie berated. Still flat on the ground, she turned over and squinted up.
‘Are you all right? I am so sorry.’ The man stepped into her line of sight, his face shadowed by the glare of the sun. He cradled two takeaway cups on top of each other and put out his hand, half-pulling, half-lifting Frankie up off the footpath.
Frankie brushed herself off, grumbling under her breath.
‘Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need ice? Are you bleeding?’
‘No, thanks.’ Frankie inspected her hands before shielding her eyes with them. ‘Oh my God, Jin Soo?’
‘Sorry, do I know you?’ a slightly startled Jin Soo replied.
‘I’m Frankie, Cat’s Frankie. I’ve been to your class. I was just visiting your b— Ah, visiting Cat in hospital.’
Jin Soo shifted the coffee cups nervously in his hands.
‘It’s okay. I know everything.’
Jin Soo looked at her with a sudden intensity. ‘You know, I really love her. It’s been so much more than some casual fling,’ he breathed. ‘I can’t live without her. Or him. Isn’t he just gorgeous?’
Frankie blinked twice before staring him coolly in the eye. ‘Yes, he is. I know his father, Claud, thinks so too.’ And she stepped around him and made her way back along the street.
As Frankie waited for the pedestrian light to turn green she leaned forward, peering down Church Street. Just a couple of blocks away from her apartment, she was anxious to get home, to get lost in her copy of The Gulf. She watched a tram lumber down the street, ringing its bell to signal its approach. At the stop sat a man reading The Dry by Jane Harper. He was so engrossed that he didn’t notice when the tram pulled up alongside him. Frankie yearned to escape to another world, to fall prey to the pages of somebody else’s sorrow, jubilation, loss and redemption. Redemption. The word resounded in her mind. She needed absolution. But how? She watched the man jump as the tram tolled its bell once again, the clang sounding loud and impatient. He stuffed his book under his arm and jumped on, and from where Frankie stood she could see him sit down and curl back into the pages of his book.
She half-smiled at the thought that just a couple of months ago she probably would have chased him down, egging on this travelling bookworm to find one of her books. A reader of high-quality Australian fiction? Sign me up! She scolded herself under her breath for being so deluded, so superficial, so immature. Now, she was absorbed by thoughts of only one (Young Adult) bookworm. What she would give for him to discover her trail of stories and be compelled to call her. Or text her. Or email her. Even if it were just to accuse her of breaking his heart all over again. She craved his contact like Amy March craved pickled limes.
How could she make him listen, forgive, forget? The tram whizzed past her, the force of it tossing her hair back.