Words That Change Everything
The swing of the ax, heavy and methodical as it split logs, was the only sound that disturbed the quiet of the woods. There was no breeze. The sun shone done, filtered through the trees, hot overhead in a cloudless, crystal clear blue sky.
Beads of sweat rolled off Jason’s forehead. They slid down his nose and dripped into his eyes in little stinging bursts. He reached up and mopped his brow with the back of sleeve of his cotton plaid shirt.
The afternoon was sticky despite the shelter of the trees overhead. They cast a shadow over him but their cooling boughs weren’t enough. Not when there was no wind and he was slaving away, cutting and stacking logs. It was funny, when it was so warm out it was hard for him to imagine a time when winter ever settled in, cold fingers choking the life from the land. A time when he’d need all the firewood he cut. He and Amanda.
It felt strange, to include her name after his. Like normal people did, but he was beginning to think of her being a fixture in his life. She’d said she wanted to stay the winter, so that meant more wood, if nothing else.
Eventually, after an hour more of hard work, he straightened. His back ached and his shirt was drenched in sweat. He thought about a quick dip in the cold creek, but his stomach rumbled, reminding him that he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast.
He wondered if Amanda would be back from Boulder yet. She’d left early, right after she’d made him eggs and bacon.
An odd stirring sensation gripped Jason’s chest. His heart beat a little faster whenever he thought of Amanda, but he was used to that. He’d made his peace with his body’s physical to her. The hard want, the burning need that never quite went away, no matter how many times they’d had each other. What he hadn’t banked on was the feeling that flooded his chest. He couldn’t really describe it. It was somewhere between a fierce protectiveness and a desire to make Amanda happy. He basically lived to see her smile, to watch her eyes light up. How pathetic was that?
Jason stomped over to the woodshed. He pulled open the door and the rusty hinges protested madly. Their shrill squeak rent the quiet of the woods. He placed the ax back in the holder on the wall. he stared at it for just a minute before he turned, closed up the shed and started up the path towards his cabin.
Amanda’s car, the black, sleek sedan that her ex had bought her, was parked in the drive. Ever since she’d told him about that car, he’d wanted to sell it. Or rather, urge her to get rid of it and get something cheaper and more practical. Of course he hadn’t voiced his opinion. One didn’t just say things like that. It wasn’t just a car. To him it symbolized another man in Amanda’s life and, even though it was irrational since he accepted everyone had a past, it made him jealous as hell.
A flash of movement appeared in the front window of his cabin and his heart leapt hard. Amanda. She was there, probably preparing dinner. Even that made Jason feel funny. Not quite in a good way, either. He liked having her there in his cabin, far more than he should. This was how it started. Love. And love made you a fool. It made you vulnerable and irrational.
Jason gave himself a shake as he stalked up the stairs onto the porch. He pushed open the door and stepped inside. The smell of bread, probably still baking and some kind of roast, filled up the cabin.
Not only was she back, she’d been back for a while.
The minute Jason walked through the kitchen door, Amanda spotted him. She whirled around, a fleeting look of guilt on her face, like he’d caught her red handed at something she shouldn’t be doing. She was peeling potatoes, standing over the counter, collecting the peelings in one of those tin pails.
Jason walked up behind her. Her eyes dropped away to the peeler in her hands and she stiffened unnaturally when he wrapped his arms around her waist. He pulled her in against his chest, but she didn’t melt against him like she normally did.
The hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. Something was wrong, or at least, something wasn’t right.
“Amanda?”
“Jason,” she whispered. The peeler fell from her hands and clattered noisily onto the counter. She turned slowly and his hands fell away from her waist. When she looked up at him, her eyes were filled with pain and uncertainty.
His heart stopped mid-beat. It was obvious that she was afraid. Something, maybe everything, had changed between them. For a second he was afraid she had found out about him. His past. The real Jason Strathmore. He rejected that idea after a moment’s contemplation. There was no way she would know. If she knew, she probably would have come back, packed her stuff and disappeared without so much as a goodbye.
“I need to talk to you,” Amanda whispered, her voice breathy and broken by uncertainty.
“Alright.” Jason swallowed hard, forcing his own tone to be strong and sure though he felt neither of those things. His chest ached. He could barely coordinate his limbs enough to stumble over to the table and pull out a chair.
Amanda pulled out the chair beside him. The smell of bread filled up the kitchen, so homey and at odds with the hard stab of fear that filled his chest. Was she leaving him? Is that what she was going to tell him?
“I… I went into the city this morning,” Amanda mumbled. She studied her hands, folded tightly in her lap.
“I know. To get art supplies.”
“It wasn’t to get art supplies.” She finally looked up and her green eyes burned with guilt.
Jason’s gut tightened. “What did you do then?”
“I… I took a test. I’m pregnant, Jason.”
The world narrowed and spun violently when her words finally sunk in. The whole cabin tilted and black spots hit his vision hard. “I’m sorry… what?” Jason finally forced out.
“I’m pregnant,” Amanda whispered. She didn’t need to tell him again. He’d heard her the first time.
“How is that possible? You said… is it mine?”
“Yes. It’s yours. I… I don’t know how it’s possible. It didn’t happen before. We tried for two years… Phil and I. He said it was my fault. We both saw specialists and he was cleared. They couldn’t find a reason I couldn’t get pregnant but Phil said it was my fault and I accepted that. I know sometimes these things don’t show up on a test, but now… I don’t know what to think.”
“No- no fucking way.” Her eyes flew to his face and he saw the light of alarm in the mossy green depths. Guilt stabbed at his chest, but he pushed it away, the anger rising enough to close his throat and force words that he didn’t know if truly meant or not. “You said you couldn’t get pregnant when you knew full well there was nothing wrong with you. You tricked me into this. You think that if you get pregnant that I’ll look after you? Give you a place to stay? Take care of you?”
“No, of course not!” Indignation twisted Amanda’s features.
Jason wanted to stop. He knew he should stop, but he couldn’t. “You’re a liar, Amanda. A liar and a con artist. God, you’re one of the best aren’t you? You went from one relationship to another. When he dumped you, you needed someone else to latch onto. It’s easier than facing the real world, having someone else take care of you, isn’t it, darling? I should have known better, when I looked at those white, smooth hands of yours, to trust you. To give you a job and let you into my life. You played me. You played me like a real fool and I fell for it.” He shook his head at the same time he shoved his chair back roughly. It scraped loudly across the floor. “No more. You can pack your shit and get out.”
“You don’t mean that,” Amanda whispered. Her eyes were round and wide with fright. All the color had drained out of her face.
“I do mean it.” He didn’t mean it at all. He didn’t truly want her to leave, he just knew he couldn’t voice those thoughts. He couldn’t open himself up any further. Weakness was his greatest enemy and at the moment he was as weak as he had ever been. He’d let her into his heart, allowed her to crack through the armored wall into a part that was fleshy and had feeling. It had been a mistake.
He couldn’t sit there and speak to her rationally. His anger was so great his throat closed completely. His head and chest both felt like they were going to explode. He needed to go out. To drive and not look back. To find a place where he could vent his rage silently, without her there to watch. Then he’d come back. Then they would talk. He’d probably tell her he didn’t want her to leave at all. That they would figure it out together, their next step. The life inside of her, they would figure that out too. Dear god, the life inside of her.
Jason stomped through the kitchen and out of the cabin. He nearly fell going down the steps, his feet so heavy they were like lead weights. He managed to throw himself into his truck, start the old thing up and tear out of the driveway.
He didn’t know where he was going or how long it was going to take before he could be rational again. He just knew he had to get out of there.
A few miles away from the house, the gravel dust filtering in through the cracks and crevices in the truck, choking him as it always did, the realization set in.
Amanda was a part of him now. She was in his heart. Even though he was a stranger to love, he knew she would be with him until the day he died. He saw it all. Her face, those wide eyes filled with hurt, her ashen complexion, and himself, walking out on her. Hoping like hell he could change the past, powerless to change the future, walking out on it all, because that’s what he’d always done best. Run.