The Test
Something was off. At first, Amanda couldn’t really explain it. She just felt tired. Her body was sore. She’d thought she was coming down with something, but she never did. Then she realized what it was.
She was late. By over two weeks.
The realization had prompted a frantic trip into Boulder. She’d told Jason she was getting art supplies. Paints and what not. In reality, she drove straight to a pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test.
She hadn’t wanted to take the test in some gas station bathroom so instead she’d opted for a restaurant bathroom. Like that was so much better.
Her hand shook as she tucked herself into the stall. It was a nice bathroom. Modern, the stone tiles extending from the floor to half way up the walls. She’d noticed the sleek black vanity on her way in and the modern, square lighting overhead.
None of it mattered. It didn’t truly register with her. Nothing did. Nothing but the test she took out of her purse. She opened the top flap of the box with a shaking hand.
How many of these had she taken over the years with Phil? This might be nothing. Her cycle wasn’t always regular. She could be late because she was on a leaner diet, working harder… or for any other reason in the world. She might not be pregnant.
Oh god, please don’t let me be pregnant.
The test looked like all the other she’d used in the past, when a pregnancy would have been the most welcome news in the world. She uncapped the white stick. She held it in one hand while she undid her jeans and slipped them down her thighs. She sat. Her whole body trembled as she held the stick, waiting.
Of course she couldn’t pee. Not even one drop. She was so wound up, a thousand knots squeezing her stomach and chest, it was nearly impossible to even draw a breath.
Finally it happened. A couple drops of urine squeezed out, enough to wet the test stick.
Amanda recapped it and set it aside. She stood, adjusted her clothing, and leaned against the stall. She rested her forehead against the cool metal of the door, uncaring that she was in a public bathroom and it probably wasn’t sanitary.
A few deep breaths in and out calmed her. She counted to a hundred then she counted again. Finally she whirled and picked the test off the back of the toilet tank.
Two pink lines stared back at her.
Oh no. Oh god no. Not this.
It wasn’t fair, but nothing in life ever really was. A few months ago, with Phil, she would have welcomed this news. Or at least, she thought she would have. Now she wasn’t sure. Maybe it would have been more of a relief than actual joy on her part, but at least she would have accepted the pregnancy and welcomed the life that grew inside of her.
And now? How could she be anything but horrified? She’d told Jason she was infertile! She hadn’t lied to him. She truly thought she was. She knew what the doctor had said, that they couldn’t find a reason on their tests that she wasn’t getting pregnant, but she also knew the reality of her situation. That she and Phil had tried for two years and it hadn’t happened. That he’d been cleared by the specialist he saw. That really left her as the problem. He’d hurled those accusations at her and she’d thought, after some reflection, that he must have been right.
She almost didn’t believe it was real. Maybe the test was wrong, but that was impossible. Tests gave false negatives, not false positives.
Amanda slowly opened the lid of the garbage can in the corner of the stall. The test fell from her hand without a sound. She let the lid fall shut. She felt sick to her stomach. Bile rose in her throat and she stared at the toilet, willing herself not to be sick in a public washroom.
She had to go home. Home. Where is that exactly? Jason’s place? After he found out she was pregnant, she was sure that it wasn’t going to be her home for much longer. She was supposed to be working for him, damn it. No matter how much they enjoyed each other, they’d known each other for a month. Not more. Certainly not enough time to have created a life together. Well, obviously it was, but not really. Physically yes, emotional, mentally, no. Neither of them were ready for it.
She would have to tell him. Discuss it with him and see what he wanted to do before she made any decisions about her future and what exactly that was going to look like.
If Jason kicked her out, she could always go to her mother’s. It was really the only place left to her. Or she could get a long term stay motel room until she found an apartment. Maybe move to a city where rent was cheaper. Find a job… and then what? Raise a child? On her own?
Amanda shook her head. The pressure pounding at her temples was so painful it was nearly blinding. She couldn’t think about it or she was going to go insane. She had to force herself to remain focused. She still had an hour drive ahead of her.
Hopefully it was enough time for her to come up with words she never thought she’d get the chance to say.